Feeling Pretty Worthless...Messed Up Situation

[dino7994]

Ex and I ended on good terms about a year ago after a 4 year relationship. I was at school in a different state, so we were long distance…something my ex always struggled with. It became too much and he broke up with me, but the thought of possibly being together again was always there. Got back in regular contact around December. Ended up going on a date in December and again in January. Went very well, but brought up a lot of feelings for both of us. Ultimately decided we should remain friends until I move home. Both of us talked about how we were going to date others. Friends didn’t work out because there were more feelings there, so we decided we shouldn’t talk until I was home. It was a lot of back and forth and it was difficult for me.

 

This whole time I was talking about this with my best friend on facebook. I was very confused and conflicted and needed an objective outside opinion. I talked to her about our dates and conversations and whatnot and got her advice.

 

Anyway, I have another friend who has had a thing for me for a while, but it unfortunately isn’t mutual. He went through a similar breakup to me last year and I shared my experiences with him to help him through, so he was aware of my ex and how I felt. He asked me on a date a few weeks ago and I politely declined. I should also mention he is schizophrenic, and I recently learned he has not been taking his meds for a while. He ended up sending a bunch of anonymous emails to me, my friends, my ex, and my ex’s new maybe girlfriend. The email he initially anonymously sent me was about my ex’s maybe new girlfriend (who he found out about by stalking my ex’s facebook) and all these negative things. I spoke with my ex about it to see if it held any truth to see if I needed to take the fact that I was getting sketchy emails seriously. Ex ended up getting pissed at me, telling me I was a liar, he couldn’t trust me, and he never wanted to talk to me again. He thought I sent the email myself. Schizophrenic friend also emailed a bunch of my friends ridiculous things. Also found out he hacked my facebook and sent contents of my private messages between me and my best friend to my ex’s potential new girlfriend. About how we had had sex in December and January, about how my ex had recently said he would always have feelings for me, etc. When the police approached schizophrenic friend (because he hacked my facebook and email from a recognized computer) he admitted he was jealous of my relationships with others and wanted to ruin them so that I would turn to him for consolation.

 

I told my ex this and offered to send him police reports when they become available. One, because I am not keen to be called a liar, and also because this has directly involved him. He said that he still never wants to talk to me again because either I’m a liar or I share his personal details with people and he doesn’t like that (I assume in reference to the shared conversations between me and my best friend). He said I almost ruined relationships for him and he isn’t willing to put himself in that position. I was frustrated by this, as those messages were private and never intended to be shared. I have never wanted to destroy or negatively impact any relationship of his. I have only ever wanted the best for him. He said even if it was indirect, it doesn’t matter. I put his relationships at risk and he wants nothing to do with me. Even though I assured him I learned to not confide in friends so personally anymore, he said that my promises to not do it again mean nothing. He wants nothing to do with me, and he said he will never change his mind. He is certain. Even though days ago he was saying he will always have feelings for me, that I’m beautiful, and have changed in so many positive ways.

 

I guess I’m just struggling because this whole situation is so confusing and draining to me. I thought turning to friends for help when you’re confused is normal and acceptable. This whole situation has destroyed numerous relationships for me and has made me quite depressed. My ex went from caring about me to never wanting anything to do with me, even though this isn’t my fault (at least I can't seem to view it as my fault...maybe it is). I just feel pretty worthless at the moment being told that he never wants anything to do with me again, when I’ve only ever tried to do right by him. Clearly these relationships that were almost ruined are more important than caring at all about me, and all the love and respect he had for me days ago is down the drain.

 

I should mention that my friend pointed out that he was somewhat controlling and abusive (gaslighting), though I had never realized. I let him walk all over me.

I guess I’m trying to see whether this is my fault and something I should feel awful about (like I do), and what I should do. I currently feel like a true f***-up that destroys everything. That I’m worthless and everyone is always more significant than me. I’m easily thrown away for others. I guess I just want thoughts...I don't even know anymore...

Thanks everyone.

[gebaird]

This simply isn't true:

I’m worthless

 

You didn't cause this. Yes, you talked to a close friend about a romantic relationship -- who doesn't? How could you have known what would happen?

 

For better or worse, the outcome is what it is. Focus on acceptance and moving on. It's unfortunate this happened, but it would be even more unfortunate if you allowed it to hold you back.

 

Maybe you've escaped a potentially abusive situation. Who knows? Either way, there's nothing you can do to fix it -- all you can do now is put it behind you. It will take time, but closure and understanding will come.

[dino7994]

Thank you for your response. I guess it's hard to think that I am so easily brushed aside and thrown away forever...when just a little while ago he was expressing completely different feelings. Just makes me feel like worthless trash that holds no value. I was trying to do the right thing, and I end up being called a liar, made to feel ridiculously guilty, and shut out forever. It just really hurts.