Do I stay or let him go?

[RyanLB]

Hi guys,

 

This is my first time doing this. I'm a 22yr old male and I am currently with a 28yr old male. We have been together for 1yr and 2months but are still not out. That doesn't take away the fact that he is my first love, my best friend and I absolutely adore him.

 

That isn't my issue. I have never slept with a guy and have only been with a few girls, my partner however, he has been with in excess of 40 - this makes me extremley uncomfortable. He has slept with friends and was in love with one. He has made memories with the guy he was in love with that I don't we will ever create and I don't believe he will ever love me like he did him. These people are sometimes still around which makes me uncomfortable.

 

This is where my real concern lies...in the beginning of our relationship, he had messaged quite a few people and was very detailed with me about his sexual experiences with other people, even when I asked him not to be. This included him telling me how good people were in bed, their penis sizes etc. This has led me to become very uncomfortable and has made me feel like I'll never live upto his past people sexually as I don't have the experience. I constantly go over these experiences in my head and it is driving me insane. There was one guy who I was very concerned about who I noticed he had been searching on social media which has made me 10x more insecure. When we are in each other's company he is constantly checking out other guys which makes me feel like I just don't do it that much for him. All this causes me to get so annoyed and upset with him to the point that I will turn anything into an argument.

 

I love him so much and I can't imagine my life without him. I want to grow with him as a person and he tells me he wants the same. I just don't know how to stop feeling like this with him?

[Dahl]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

Does it help to try to keep a running thread of companion thoughts to the ones that are plaguing you?

 

He's chosen you. You're worth choosing. Yes, there are other men out there but this applies to you, too, and you're not helplessly tempted so there's no reason to think your SO is. You choose each other, on purpose, every day. Day after day, you are for each other.

 

What does he say about these runaway worries?

[Dahl]

Also, and I'm sure intellectually you know this, so I say it to add to the bad thoughts countermeasure list -

 

You don't have to weigh yourself against past experiences. They're in his past for a reason. You're in his present and you are his choice for the future - also for a reason, and I'll wager a darn good one.

[Hollyj]

I don't see a problem with staying in contact with old lovers, as it seems that all of my gay male friends do it, quite successfully.

 

I do have a HUGE problem with him sharing his sexual exploits and checking out other men. Highly disrespectful!!!!!!! I would never tolerate this from a partner, nor should you!

[Hollyj]

Also, and I'm sure intellectually you know this, so I say it to add to the bad thoughts countermeasure list -

 

You don't have to weigh yourself against past experiences. They're in his past for a reason. You're in his present and you are his choice for the future - also for a reason, and I'll wager a darn good one.

 

Dahl, how would you feel if your partner was always checking out others, and sharing their sexual experiences?

[Dahl]

Personally, I would be super mature and artic chill, clamp my hands over my ears, squeeze my eyes shut tight and start immediately shrieking in rhythmic time to my frantic rocking.

 

But then, I'm what you call a sophisticated girl..

 

No, it really would shred me.

[Hollyj]

Personally, I would be super mature and artic chill, clamp my hands over my ears, squeeze my eyes shut tight and start immediately shrieking in rhythmic time to my frantic rocking.

 

But then, I'm what you call a sophisticated girl..

 

No, it really would shred me.

 

I think it is good to be cool, but it is not good to be with someone if they are openly disrespecting you.

[Dahl]

Upon further reflection, and this is just me, OP, but Holly really made me think -

 

This would be a personal deal breaker, in the moment, insurmountable, turn off, boom, done kinda thing.

 

Not saying it should be that way for anyone else. Can't imagine it being any other way for me.

[RyanLB]

Thank you for replying.

 

He gets extremely frustrated that I even question the love he has for me. This also annoys me because I know myself deep down that he loves me. Everything has just boiled to a point that I'm struggle with it.

[Dahl]

Oh, sorry, Holly, I was teasing in my opening. I should have been clear.

 

I would not personally appreciate, tolerate or be willing to adjust to this.

 

I would find it abominably disrespectful, for myself.

[Dahl]

Thank you for replying.

 

He gets extremely frustrated that I even question the love he has for me. This also annoys me because I know myself deep down that he loves me. Everything has just boiled to a point that I'm struggle with it.

 

Ick. I'm sorry to hear that.

 

And it does lend further credence to Holly's point about the disrespectful element.

 

Is counseling / therapy an option?

[Hollyj]

Thank you for replying.

 

He gets extremely frustrated that I even question the love he has for me. This also annoys me because I know myself deep down that he loves me. Everything has just boiled to a point that I'm struggle with it.

 

I don't care what he is saying, he is not showing it. Why on the hell is he telling you about other men, when you have asked him not to? That is someone trying to hurt you.

[RyanLB]

Thank you for replying.

 

This person isn't necessarily an old lover. It was his best friend who he travelled the world with. They had 'fun' one night and he fell in love with him, but his friend went and got a with a female instead. They're not in contact but they have the same circle of friends so often are around each other. It makes me uncomfortable as no one knows anything about me and I believe given the chance, he would go with him.

 

I understand people are going to check out good looking people, everyone does. What I don't like is the fact he does it in my company. I don't feel like I can have a conversation with him when we are out having a meal without him checking someone else out. There is times when he will even take his glasses off and and I know it is to get a better look at someone.

 

He doesn't tell me about his sexual encounters anymore as I really put my foot down and lost it. Regardless, it doesn't take away the fact that I am now stuck with what he has told me and I don't know if I will ever get past that.

[RyanLB]

Since I have been with him I do feel like I have suddenly become extremely anxious about everything. I am doing stuff that I have never done before, such as looking through his phone which I hate myself for.

 

Counselling is something I would like to try, but giving neither of us are out I don't know if it is something I would be comfortable with.

[Hollyj]

"I believe given the chance, he would go with him." Not good! Why do you believe this? What does he say about this guy?

 

Why are you not out?

 

None of my gay, partnered friends check out others while together. EVER! Stop making excuses. It is disrespectful, and he doesn't care about your feelings. he sounds like a jerk!

[Dahl]

Not just that - mate, it doesn't sound like you are given much of a voice, irrespective of the subject matter.

 

Are you certain that you want to stay in this relationship, if he's not interested in repairing the damage he's done/is doing?

[RyanLB]

I think that is more down to my current insecurities and me being anxious.

 

I have never felt comfortable enough. I spent up until 21 trying to be something I wasn't. I hated the fact I was attracted to men. Now every time I come to the point of being ready, something occurs which makes it more difficult. As for him, I don't think he will ever come out which worries me.

 

I've mentioned it numerous times and he says that he doesn't realise he is doing it. I know I haven't painted a great picture but he is an amazing guy. He has a heart of gold and when we are good we are absolutely amazing.

[RyanLB]

It is now at the point that if I mention something I'm not happy with, he tells me how I am always trying to start an argument, how I don't trust him, etc. It gets turned round like it's my fault when in reality, it is just because it hurts as I love him so much.

[Hollyj]

This is called gas lighting . Look it up.

 

I think that you need to start loving and respecting yourself, as this guy sounds awful.

 

I think you can do much better.

[Hollyj]

I think that is more down to my current insecurities and me being anxious.

 

I have never felt comfortable enough. I spent up until 21 trying to be something I wasn't. I hated the fact I was attracted to men. Now every time I come to the point of being ready, something occurs which makes it more difficult. As for him, I don't think he will ever come out which worries me.

 

I've mentioned it numerous times and he says that he doesn't realise he is doing it. I know I haven't painted a great picture but he is an amazing guy. He has a heart of gold and when we are good we are absolutely amazing.

 

If he is so great, then you wouldn't be here. I love how people change their tune, when others recommend ending an unhealthy relationship.

[Hollyj]

Don't you think you should find someone who is out, then you do not have to live your life in secret?

[RyanLB]

This is something I know I need to do, I'm just unsure whether I am able to do that whilst I am still with him?

 

I know this sounds terrible in writing, but he is a great guy. Besides from the obvious, he has a heart of gold, he always sends me goodmornig messages, arranges to meet, calls me most days. He has tried to prove himself, I just can't forget a lot of the stuff.

 

As said, I have never felt comfortable. Then when I have felt ready to come out, something has popped up which has made it more difficult.

[RyanLB]

I know a lot of this stems from my own personal insecurities though. Yes, he has hasn't helped in the slightest and I am here because of the things he has said and the constant checking out other guys.

It is just so difficult as when we are good we are absolutely amazing and I am ridiculously happy.

[Dahl]

But, Ryan, it's the obvious that's beyond unacceptable, here. At this point, I can't in good conscience personally recommend counseling. This chap sounds like he's thisclose to having a disturbed personality, mate.

[RyanLB]

He says the reason that he told me this and the reason he spoke to guys in the beginning is because he didn't know where he stood with me (I was very hot and cold). He said once he realised he was in love with me and he could see a future with me, that all stopped. I just don't know if I can forget all that and erase those things he has told me.