we broke up, he kissed someone else and now he wants me back

[mjayne]

Ok here the story...

 

I have been with a guy for a year and a half. It has been the most amazing relationship ever... there were ups and downs but the ups always made the downs worth it.

 

We live together and about a month ago, things just weren't feeling right, he wasn't treating me the way he usually does and even though I asked him he said nothing was wrong. Then about three weeks ago, I finally got it out of him and he said he needed a break - some space. I got very upset and pretty emotional and even though we live together i gave him some space. its was easy because he works at night at i work in the day. The next morning I phoned him and said if its space he needs I'll do that and I asked him if he loves me and he said yes very much.

 

So we did the space thing for a week and then on a saturday morning his friends were at our house and he said to that one of his friends had interrogated him the night before and I asked what about and he said they wanted to know why he had broken up with me. I was dumbstruck and felt humiliated because there was someone else with us at the time. apparently when he said he wanted space... that was him breaking up with me.

 

Anyway we spent the rest of the weekend talking about it - mostly me saying he is making a mistake because i can understand wanting space - its not easy to live together and he kept saying he doesn't want to feel like he is married and have to report to someone the whole time. Then there is the other issue because i have a degree and he doesn't and what he thinks my family thinks of him because of that. Anyway it all ended on the sunday and he bascially said he was doing me a favor.

 

I was devasted because I know a month or 2 ago we were both so happy and because i know he does love me and that i love him. He said he didn't think i should move out. this really confused me but he said i was his best friend. Anyway I have decided to leave that decision for a while until i could figure out where i was going. this break up and leaving means leaving my whole life behind and trying to start new somewhere else.

 

Anyway we have been spending time together and everything is the same as it was before except there is no romance and we sleep in separate beds.

 

Then on thurday this last week we went out for a drink at his work and one of the new guys that doesn't know me said to my boyf/exboyf shame where's your girl tonight? has she gone home?

 

I absolutely flipped out and let rip on him - he says he kissed a girl the on the previous friday - him thinking we were broken up and me thinking we were just giving eachother space. He said it meant nothing, he was drunk and he didn't tell because he knew it would upset me - boy did it upset me!

 

We have always had an extremely honest relationship and i know this because he has told me things that had potential to make me think badly of him, but he risked it for the sake of being honest with me.

 

So despite the fact that i was so angry and hurt and remined him at every opportunity we spent most of the weekend together, but as "friends". I kept getting the impression he was having regrets about breaking up with me. I had started acting as though it didn't bother me as much and if we went out for a drink I chatted happily to other people ( who may have flirted with me a bit) and also I spoke about going overseas ( i know if i left he was expecting me to move back to my parents house)

 

Anyway he worked last night and i phoned and asked if i could pop by to talk to him and he said they were a bit busy and asked in a way that sounded hopeful whether it was about us and I said no. I then said i wanted to know exactly what the storey was with the other girl because i wanted to know exactly how much of a fool i was.

 

Anyway the plan was that we would talk about it tonight.

 

But then.... the spanner in the works:

 

He came home last night and lay on my bed for a while chatting to me, and started to make a move on me. I told him to stop it. which he did.

I said he should rather sleep in his own bed.

 

About an hour later i woke up when he was climbing into my bed and he started kissing me. I asked him what he was trying to do and he kept saying he didn't know and anyway, i love him and i'm probably stupid but it didn't stop with the kissing.

 

So what do i do now? I love him but i feel so betrayed. We had something so special, but he chose to end it. Am i supposed to go running back just because he had a change of heart? But the truth is i do want to be back with him, but so much damage has been done.

 

 

I'm really confused! Anyone have some advice?

[Belinda]

My advice probably isnt what you want to hear. Id suggest you move out of the house, and view this situation from clearer eyes. Youve done well so far, and I totally understand you not being able to say no to him if he crept into your bed at night. That was completely unfair of him.

Before anything like that should happen again, try and get the complete truth out of him. Tell him you are simply NOT inteested in someone who isnt completely open and honest. It should be the truth anyway hey.

The truth hurts, it really does. But it also lets you heal. If youre lucky enough to ever find out the full truth (not many do, but it helps to be persistent) take it on board, and remember no matter how bad the truth is, it look alot of effort on his behalf to be that open about something he knows might hurt you.

Personally he sounds a bit like my ex. Id stay away from him >_

Ge the truth first... then decide wether to try again or move on (depending on what happened)

But seriously consider moving out if you can, him living with you will SERIOUSLY cloud your judgement.

Good luck! *hugs*

[mjayne]

Thanx for the advice.

 

It is probably good advice, but (and there is always a but!) it would be extremely difficult to pack up and leave everything i know - and a month down the line we might figure things out. I'm not clinging on to that and i'm not staying because i think it'll help us to figure things out. I do think there's more chance of us doing that if we don't live together.

 

The good thing is that we do work different hours and i can do things so that i don't really see him.

 

My plan of action is that if things don't work out i'm going overseas. We live in a very small town and it would be too difficult if i stay in the same town. so essentially all of this is a very life changing decision. so i don't want to rush into it too quickly.

 

So tonight i think we must sit down and have a painfully honest chat and take it from there. As much as I love him and want to be with him i am scared of making the wrong decision here.

 

I will keep you posted! And thanks for the advice. I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested!

[providentielle]

I have what may be seen as controversial ideas on fidelity but in my opinion if you have had a fantastic relationship for years the few minutes it took to have a drunken kiss shouldnt cancel all that out. He is obviously confused at the minute, why not take a time out and set a date when you will both make a decision by, it makes it easier when you now how long you will be in limbo for. Just tell him exactly how you feel and say that if he wants to stay i the relationship you are prepared to work at it and if he doesnt then to be honest with you so you can both move on, if he is drawing out the inevitable then it is unfair on both of you. Good luck

[mjayne]

Well last night i planned to talk to him. But i lost my nerve. In a funny way i wanted to fight with him and make him feel bad for confusing the hell out of me. But then all my plans fell apart when he came home with videos and a bottle of wine. How can i pick a fight with him when he is being nice?

 

You see a lot of people would look at that and think is trying to fix things and its quite romantic, and that may be the way it is. But I think it may also be that he is trying to smooth things over to prepare the way for our new found "friendship"

 

Its a rough situation to be in because i was so sure of everything a month ago and now i really have no idea. My mom has gone away to family for a week and i think i;m going to stay with my dad for a while. If i look vaguely unhappy my mom trys too hard to cheer me up and this drives me mad. My dad's attitude is "you know where i am" and otherwise leaves me to my own devices. So I think my mom's vacation is a blessing in disguise!

 

Anyway i think i need to get some nerve because this limbo is not cool!

[EvenInBlackOut]

It seems like he is playing a very twisted game. You have know idea about where you stand.

 

I believe that you deserve better than this. You should be straight with him and i know it is difficult but you need to show him you are not going to be messed about.