Seven months for nothing

[Maddyb12]

Have you ever expressed interest in going to root the team he coaches on, and then joining him for dinner (the nights that the team doesn't all go somewhere together)? 75 hours a week of work and school is hard for him to work around if he is finished teaching at 2:30-3, has a game at 6:00, etc. Would you have ever considered driving out to root his team on one night and then meeting him for dinner after if its a home game (so he doesn't have to worry about getting the kids back to the school)? because he doesn't have time to run your way in the middle? Would he be willing to come your day on a weekend when there wasn't a game? Even if that meant that you needed to switch a shift?

 

I don't see this is one sided as far as who is at fault. I see a guy who is very set in his routine (and has a very admirable job) and is very committed to what he does and needs someone who is willing to work around that and I see a young woman who is too busy to have a relationship unless he lives really close by and is content for his dates to be just flopping on the couch at either place after she is finally home.

 

Nagging someone doesn't help anything get accomplished, either. You either are flexible around the team schedule or you are not, meeting him with a smile and a coffee. He is either willing to drive just for the chance of seeing his favorite person for an hour. Or he is not.

 

So I think its best to end this.

 

No I haven't I guess. But I have expressed that if he ever wanted me to come his way I would be more than willing to. I have always said my schedule and if he had any time to see one another to let me know. When he's had games in the area I've offered for him to come by my restaurant job to get some free food. I'm not sure his issue or why he has blown off seeing me, part of me thinks he's insecure I can admit that I am better looking than him and he's often brought this up that he's not good enough etc. I think he has some commitment phobias and he's a bit insecure. I'm willing to be flexible around his schedule but he really never allowed for me to do these things.

[catfeeder]

It wasn't 7 months 'for' nothing, it was 7 months OF nothing.

 

Don't waste time online building fantasies 'about' people. Use apps to set up quick coffee meets with men who are local to you--in person--to check one another out. Most people are NOT our match, so roll with it until you stumble across someone with whom you click. Neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invitation. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if not, no response is necessary.

 

If you don't use the tools you have to connect with people in real life, then you're living in your head, and anyone who would engage that with you isn't worth the fantasy.

 

I'd chalk this up to a valuable lesson learned, and I'd place my focus on building the kind of healthy social life with my friends, family and new friends to keep me balanced and not inclined to invest in anyone who isn't worth the time.

 

Head high, and move forward.

[loly369]

I understand you. I had a long distance relationship but it was on and off for about a year or so. He dated other girls while it was off. I get that you wanted to communicate daily, my actual boyfriend and I communicate daily and see each other like 3 times a week and he makes the effort to see me more and that shows that he cares

Don't be sad about someone that didn't care enough to simply call you every night or just text you bc he's not worth it

[Stay_home]

Hello all.. Been a while since I have been able to get the courage to log back on her but I find myself heart broken all over something I probably shouldn't even be effected by.

 

I met someone through match and for seven months we have talked everyday, video chatted (not a catfish) we live about an hour and a half from me. Long story short we both have crazy busy schedules and our "relationship" primarily was via texting and phone calls which caused the main issues here.

He kept saying his schedule would change soon and he would have more time to see me etc. he hasn't had a girlfriend since Highschool (he's 26) he's unhappy with his job and generally doesn't know how to be with someone. The last month we've fighter significantly over our amount of contact, I expressed if we weren't able to see eachother I needed daily communication he thought otherwise. We just don't see eye to eye on this. At this point I've become an annoyance to him and he's just hurting me. Tonight we ended things well I ended it with him citing that I need more and though I believe he's not seeing anyone else and that he's genuinely busy I feel if he cared enough he could make more of an effort to help us work. He was sad when I ended it and tried to fight it but in trying to stay strong because I know I deserve to find someone who is willing to make an effort with me.

 

All I wanted was for him to care about me enough to call me every night but he sees this as me being insecure that we don't need to communicate everyday. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel if we aren't spending quality time together then I need to text more because it's all I have to go off of. Anyways I guess what's done is done I ended it and am going to leave him be. I'm not sure why this is hitting me so hard or why it hurts so bad but it just does. For whatever reason he is the only guy I want. If he had just given me a real chance I know we could be happy.

 

I'm not really sure the purpose of this post I guess I'm just so hurt and I don't even really know why. We don't have real memories or experiences so this should be easy but it's not. All I want is to be with him but he's not willing to make a real effort so I know I need to move on. Maybe this is just me venting I'm not sure but any advice or insight is appreciated.

 

Long distance relationships never workout. Find someone who lives closer to you to date.

[Maddyb12]

I don't know why I'm so sad over this. Can't seem to shake it

[catfeeder]

I don't know why I'm so sad over this. Can't seem to shake it

 

It's understandable. Most of what we're grieving after a breakup is our loss of the fantasy we've built 'around' someone rather than the person themselves. Our mind is the strongest force we'll ever need to deal with, and we get to decide whether we'll use it in our own favor or against ourselves. Letting go of a fantasy is difficult enough, even for people who are healthy in their interactions with the outside world. Add to that the power of a focused fantasy without any real life distractions of physical meeting, and that's one potent mind clamp.

 

Consider what you'd suggest to anyone who has worked themselves into a painful crush on a celebrity who they'll never meet beyond blending in with some cries and screams from a large audience. You'd be compassionate even while you'd be clear that this person needs to get out more to break their single-minded focus.

 

Same for you. I don't mean that in a patronizing way, but consider the degree of isolation that's gone into building and maintaining this fantasy 'about' someone you've never even met. What steps do you believe that you should take to break that focus in order to learn how to feel healthy and valued in the real life interactions that, unfortunately, can only pale in comparison right now to the vivid illusions you've created in your own mind.

 

The more often you break that focus, the less important it will become, and the more you will discover about how good and valued you can feel with real people in your real life.

 

It's not easy, but you can do it. Head high.