Help Me Stop! Compelled to contact Ex....

[Myknosis]

It's been almost two weeks since I've been in contact with my ex. I miss her so much and I feel like I need to let her know that I love her and am thinking of her.

 

She did a 180 degree turn over 5 weeks ago and left me to "find herself and connect spiritually". Since then she filed for divorce, moved out into her own apartment, and had maintained almost no contact (just business stuff). My head was spinning because I did not see this coming.

 

Everyone here has been saying to not contact her - no e-mail, no phone, no sight. But today I am feeling strongly compelled to reach out to her. She is in Utah visiting family and doing a workshop and I was thinking about just sending her a short e-mail to let her know I am still here.

 

I know I will feel terrible afterwards though. Why? Because I am trying to give her space, time and freedom from me. And if she doesn't write back, I'll only get hurt again. Man, I feel like I'm going to explode!!!

 

Somebody - girls or anyone who has been through this - please help me to understand what she is going through during this time too - and what I can do to reduce my tension.

[giggirl]

im sure she's probably trying her best not to pick up the phone and call

you,

but the way I see it girls want to be swept off their feet( and yes still

after marriage) see the usual reason women leave their spouses is

because they feel their not appreciated as much as they would like to be

but what I think you should do after a certain amount of time tell her

how much you feel for her and that you didnt really apreciate her for who

she is and wants to be,(I'm sure you believe you do appeciate her but

she probably dosent think so) just remember to tell her your feelings

and not be analitical towards her. Im really just talking out of my ###!

but if you read this book it helped me with peoples feelings it's

called how to win friends & influnece people by dale carnagie,

I know it sounds cheesy, but at least try and see where she's coming from as far as why she left

hopefully this will help you or at least give you a different perspective

good luck

[bzborow1]

Hi there,

 

Well about 5 weeks ago my then GF did then exact same thing. Moved out to "find herself", only difference being she decided to sleep around first. Anyways. Does she have depression?? Because my ex does, and I've heard people with depression will do this kind of stuff (run off thinking it will solve all their problems)???

 

I'm going through what you're going through so I know just how hard it is to cut contact with your ex. I know you want to work it out with her, but for the kind of commitment you're seeking from her, the only the you can do is let her know your feelings for her. You've done that, and now is the hardest part, she's got to come and find her way to you.

[Myknosis]

Yeah I have a Psychiatrist friend who asked the same exact thing about whether my ex-wife has depression. she actually has family history of that and she was definitely depressed. That could be the cause.

 

The probelm is I can't do anything to heal her and in the meantime I'm dying out here.

 

What do you do when you feel so compelled to reach out to the person that you invested so much time, energy, emotions, hopes, dreams, and love with?

[solstice48]

It must be an epidemic out there because along with myself I've seen so many relationships fall apart because women want to find themselves. How did they get lost & why can't they find what they're looking for by working within a loving relationship? Out of the blue my wife (now ex) does the same 180, says she doesn't love me & wants to find herself after being together 25 yrs. I would have gladly helped her look & probably found something of myself & what was missing in our relationship as well. I know it was real difficult for me to not have any contact but I think it helps quite a lot. It seemed to me my ex didn't have any trouble at all staying away from me in all ways. You've probably told her the way you feel in all this but I think there's a few reasons you might consider before you think about contacting her. As a lot of us do you might go weak & start pleading/begging her to come back & that is going to lower you self esteem & you'll end up feeling real bad afterwards. Another point is that the more you push your ex the greater the distance is going to be between you & her, so if there's any chance she's even considering getting back together it won't help by your contacting her. In my case, my ex pretty much saw everything in black or white, once her decision was made there was no consideration of anything else. As she said whats done is done. I know what your going through hurts so much its as you said you feel like you'll explode. But try to be strong & think twice before you make any decision to contact her & how your going to feel if you get back what you probably know you will. Good luck & know that no matter how you feel now you'll be ok!

[bzborow1]

Perhaps i'm jumping the gun in saying this, but you should know that none of this is really your fault. When she decided to "figure things out for herself", that meant it's her problem. I had that problem as well, trying to help my ex. But then if you try to heal her it's really more like taking from you to give to her, and you won't even know if at the end of it she'll be there for you (since she's filed for divorce). Plus too, I've learned the hard way, but you want someone who's comfortable with themself, that way they can offer more of themselves to you...there may be someone else out there for you, or it may take some time for you two to get back.

 

To stop feeling compelled to contact her? That's really hard. For me the biggest thing was deleting my ex off MSN. I could yell at her, argue with her, but I just couldn't cut her off totally. That's the first step. The next step I found is to be around other women. I'm not talking dating them, just as friends to talk to. It's really weird cause once you start doing that you start to realize there could be someone else out there for me.

 

After that I just tried to keep busy, I got rededicated to an exercise program, started playing in a men's basketball league, walked the dog a lot...just anything to keep me from sitting at home.

 

It really is tough to move on, and to be completely honest with you I'm struggling myself with this. There's always a part of you that wishes lightning would strike some sense into her, and there's always a part of you that will miss the memories of the good times. But know this, being around her in any way will bring you down. Better to be healthy and alone then sick and with someone.

 

Also try and have faith that all things happen for a reason. The time apart from her could make you two realize how much you miss each other and want to be together, or you two may realize that space was the best thing. Also, this could have happened because there is someone else out there for you.

[StillLoveHer]

Depressed women do this alot. Like my wife.. I'm just trying to do everything she wants until the pills kick in.

[pcardoso]

Hi,

 

I'm in the same boat. My ex-boyfriend, who also has some depression and anxiety problems, also broke up because he need to find himself and couldn't made me suffer. The problem here is… I didn't give him all the space he needed. I mean, I gave him space (in what relationship concerns) but at the same time tried and tried to help him as a friend… so much that he run away. Now, we stop all contact and he is seeing another girl.

Today, I realize that sometimes we can't help people we love; and probably the best option is to set them free and hope one day they could find their way back home. In the meantime, we have to move on.

 

So my advice learned by the hardest way: give her space; I know this sounds awful, but at this point you can't do much, only give her all your support when or if she decides come back.

 

Good Luck

[Myknosis]

I thought that I was the only one out here that experienced this kind of thing. It's amazing that good people like all of us can get hurt so commonly. What is the answer to the hurt problem?

 

I know that there is so much promise and hope out there because love I am beginning to discover is merely a choice. I chose to love my ex-wife. It's in the choosing to not love her that is hard. I never had a choice. That is truly the foundation of my frustration.

 

The fact that she left took away any choice that I might have had is so wrong. Her leaving without notice and so suddenly created an instant sense of rejection, frustration, helplessness, and hopelessness.

 

I guess the best way to respond is to become flexbile and move with the flow of this directional change. I can get a handle on what I can control - myself. I can find acceptance among friends and family. I can remove my frustration by clearing obstacles in other areas of my life. I can empower myself and others.

 

To all of us out here who suffer the devastation of an unexpected breakup, take heart because we have gained the respect of all who have and are experiecing the same storm!

[DealingWithIt]

Hi

 

Just try to occupy yourself whenever you feel that need to call your ex. I know its easier said than done but its the only way. Give her the space she wants and see what happens. I talked to my ex a couple of months after we officially broke up. From time to time, I had the need to call him but didn't. I was surprised when he called me. Now, we're just friends...who knows what will happen in the future.

 

I wish you luck and be strong!

[Myknosis]

you know the worse thing I did - I looked thorugh old pictures of vacations we shared together. It made me so sad. She was so beautiful and we were so happy. I have no idea why I did it. I guess it's becasue I'm beginning to forget how she looks now. She is so different now. Someone please help me get a grip.....

[cobro]

I know exactly what you mean, I have removed my ex from my cell phone book, speed dial, I turn my phone off when I sleep at night so as to not accidently call during a dream It's hard, I don't know if I'll ever talk to her again, but as the days pass I find myself crying in the morning and feeling alot better in the afternoons and nights. It's weird. The only thing that helps is knowing that everything happens for a reason, I have little to no hope anymore that she will call me, or come back to me. The best thing you can do right now is to not contact her, if you do you will look desperate and weak, I know because that is what happened to me. Called the ex back after she left a voicemail, told her that I would do anything for her, come back to me, why are you with him, blah blah. That made her mind up, she called me a week later and said we had no future and she was happy with the new guy and not going to talk to me for a while. So, if you call her you risk driving her further away. Make her wonder what's going on in your life, I wish I would have done this, but for some reason I didn't. Only God knows why. So good luck to you and know that you are NOT the only one going through this. Stay strong.

 

cobro

[Myknosis]

Man, I'm sorry to hear that there is no hope in your situation. It only makes me realize that I need to truly shut the door on any hope that I might have because it will only serve to hurt me.

 

I decided to send my ex a simple code we had - no words - just * * * which meant "I Love You". I felt better for sending it but of course she never responded. She knows what it means and I didn't have to say it. I had no sign off line just those three symbols. That will be the extent of my contact with her.

 

I actually tried writing her a letter - two of them actually - not so much to send but for me to vent. It seemed to help a little.

 

I think I need to disconnect my phones and move away from this town. What do you think everyone - is that a good idea?

[reborn]

I know the pain and confusion you are going through. Be strong. My boyfriend broke up with me cuase he needed to concentrate on his career and found relationship to be too stifflying for him. I didn´t call, I bit the bullet, as they say, and he did call back to be friends. I have mixed feelings about this because sometimes it can do more harm than good when you are not ready.

 

The only thing I can tell you is to try to calm down. Talk about it, get a support group. I know it is imposible not to give in to the overwhelming craving to contact her but try not to, at least for now. Something that helps me control my self is this: He is still alive and around, right now I am not well, even though I yearn for him if I contact him now I will probably end up saying something really stupid, out of sink with what he is feeling. I will contact him but I will do it later, in 2 weeks when I feel bettter. I don´t deny myself the posibility of contacting him, because if you need clousure and need to express somethings then you need to do it. This is as much your relationship as it was hers and you also have a right to be at peace with it. For her it may be distance for you talking. But just wait a while until she is more receptive.

 

Right now, it doesn´t sound like she is too receptive and as many others wisely adviced you, by having gone through similar experiences, she will probably closed off more.

 

Patience, Self containment, and wait out until this makes more sense to you and you have more self control. You will thank your self for it. After you not only want to vent out those feelings, but for her to get your message. Right now she is closed off to you no matter what sings or what words you say. Imagine she is temporarily apdopted by an alien being who took over her body. She won´t recognize you and what you say to her will be like chenese and she will just automatically rejected. So, wait until she reaches you. She will. It may take time, but she will and with everyday you will be stronger to wait it out a litte. Also, if she doesn´t when you feel more mentally stable, then talk to her and tell her what you need to get your clousure. Remamber, you were also part of this relationship and you have this right. But do it only when your words will have power right now by how crazy you are feeling and how closed off she is they have no power.

 

Read the article of the author that wrote Don´t Call that Man, in this website. In your case its Don´t Call that Woman but the tecniques she gives are good and also the reasons for doing them.

 

Good luck to you. I am not talking fluff here, I am in so much pain as you controlling my self each moment not to call the man I love but who now treats me as a stranger even though he says he now loves me as a family. Whatever. I don´t know what hurst more, not to be loved or to have their romantic love morph into some fraternal bull.

 

Keep Strong, and repeat in your head: I can do it! Make that your mantra.

[Myknosis]

The thing that gets me is that a person can go from love and happiness to total stranger and distance. I think you are right when you say that I need to give some distance. I just wish she would come around. If a girl is truly just trying to find herself, why file divorce, move out, and change your name?