In love with my taken friend

[efr1061]

I met this girl through one of my friends. They started dating almost 3 years ago. She and I became very close because of how much we have in common. It wasn't until this last year that I realized that I developed feelings for her that have grown into something I have never imagined possible. I fell in love with her. She's the greatest thing that has ever entered my life. She knows about my feelings. I kissed her earlier this year after a night of all of us drinking. Which I apologized for the following day, yet she seemed not angry at all.

 

I never want to be one to break up a couple or have any intentions like that. I went back-and-forth with saying I can't be around because of my feelings but she kept saying it was an overreaction of cutting them out of my life. I continue to say how great of a friend she has become, much better than the boyfriend has truly ever been, whom I never really was great friends with to begin with.

 

It's gotten to a point where I can't even be around them together without so much pain. She and I have bonded so much and have talked about so many things with each other, even flirted. We have talked on the phone so many days of the week for months and texted each other every day. She kept telling me that she's trying to fix her relationship and goes back-and-forth saying we can't talk all the time, however she always returns to talking to me a lot. But the reasons of her trying to fix her relationship are because the boyfriend never shows true appreciation for her and doesn't respect her the way she deserves because he's very selfish. She never gets to do anything she wants. He has a tight leash over her. There was one point where he was following her on GPS through his phone keeping track of her every move. And I'm pretty sure he has a hunch that I like her because of how much I talk to her more than him when we all hang out, naturally of course because I have more in common with her than him. She's just a better person. She is the type to blame herself for a lot so when she says fixing her relationship, or working on it, I'm worried she's feeling like she's the problem.

 

Lately I've noticed when I hang out it looks like he intentionally tries to just hold her or kiss her when I'm talking to her or she's in front of me. Sometimes he even pushes her in my line of sight to do these things. I'm not hitting on her at all it's like he's trying to hurt me on purpose. I'll be talking to her and he interrupts and just gets all over her when she's right in my face. And everything I know about him in the relationship, whenever he does these things, it feels like it's phony and it angers me and makes me disrespect him more and more because he does not deserve a wonderful woman like this. He's always constantly trying to hold her and it looks like they are attached at the hip. She has told me about their sex life and how it seems like he doesn't truly appreciate her in that way and she never feels lusted for. And he has a very poor libido. (Which is odd because he has hooked up with so many women before her and i am fairly certain he's been lying to her about his past partners and the number.)

 

My point is, it has got to a point that I cannot handle anymore, she knows my feelings, so I'm not sure what to do. I've always tried to stick around just to be a friend but this guy has just upset me too much where I can't hang out with them like I have almost every week for the last three years. It's always felt like she possibly had reciprocating feelings for me behind her current relationship but she is always trying to work on her current relationship. I have proved to her how much she truly means to me and he never seems to have gotten anywhere near that after nearly 3 years, from just simple gifts I gave her or letters I've written. They truly moved her and she has never seemed to have gotten anything like I gave her before from anyone. These were not necessarily romantic gifts so she wasn't cheating on him in anyway, they were just simple gifts to show her how much she truly is appreciated from someone.

 

So I don't know what to do. I told her I'll always be here for her as a friend but if I just disappear I feel like I betrayed that promise. But it's gotten so painful for me when I hang out with both of them together. It seems like it's always been them and then me for their entire relationship even before I realized my feelings for her. I can't ask her to break up with him because she is too strong of a woman determined to see if she can fix a relationship. But I don't see that happening with the type of person that this guy is. I barely want to call him my friend anymore because of what I have witnessed over time.

 

Last I saw them was a couple days ago I went with them to a music festival. And I just felt so hurt at the end of the day. It was the worst out of all hang outs with the way it seemed like he was treating me. I was led to believe that he enjoys hanging out and wants me around more but I think that's plain lies he has given her. I haven't contacted her at all since. If she contacts me and brings up last time we hung out, she might ask what was wrong with me because at the end of the night it was visible something was bothering me because I was quiet. She and I have both always discussed depression with each other and we can relate on a lot of things along with anxiety and such and we get each other very much. So I'm not sure if I should try and be honest about how I am receiving pain from him. Or if she will just think I'm being biased.

 

Ultimately I wish she would just see it on her own how selfish and disrespectful he is of a person regardless of how small loving gestures he gives like little kisses or holding hands, underneath that is someone who has made me sick overtime because she doesn't deserve any of it. But so much more. I have always felt he is one big lie. I've seen it too; I know he is in certain areas for a fact. So I don't know what to do. I want to walk away from it all but I love her so damn much more than anything in this universe and life.

 

I'm sort of doing a distance/absence type thing, and I wonder if she will miss talking to me because we've talked for so many days for so long in a row. It's been three days now I'm not sure how long I should wait and what I should say when she contacts me next.

 

But I'm in way too much pain because of what this guy is doing to me and how fake he is to her. So this is my venting and I wish I was better at describing the scenario but I tried my best. I'm not just some jealous guy, this boyfriend is legitimately shady in this relationship and I want her to see it. Like I said I am not a homewrecker and I'm not going to butt-in directly but it hurts sitting on the sidelines watching and then being affiliated minorly and hurt directly from him when he continues to claim everything's fine and we are all having a good time. She told me when she hinted that he might be suspicious of my feelings, that his response was that's fine if I did have feelings. Which doesn't make sense because if I'm with someone I would not want any of my friends becoming attached to the girl I'm with.

 

So I'm just over all confused and in a lot of pain and the only thing I know for certain is how much I truly love this girl.

[hyden]

I met this girl through one of my friends. They started dating almost 3 years ago. She and I became very close because of how much we have in common. It wasn't until this last year that I realized that I developed feelings for her that have grown into something I have never imagined possible. I fell in love with her. She's the greatest thing that has ever entered my life. She knows about my feelings. I kissed her earlier this year after a night of all of us drinking. Which I apologized for the following day, yet she seemed not angry at all.

 

I never want to be one to break up a couple or have any intentions like that. I went back-and-forth with saying I can't be around because of my feelings but she kept saying it was an overreaction of cutting them out of my life. I continue to say how great of a friend she has become, much better than the boyfriend has truly ever been, whom I never really was great friends with to begin with.

 

It's gotten to a point where I can't even be around them together without so much pain. She and I have bonded so much and have talked about so many things with each other, even flirted. We have talked on the phone so many days of the week for months and texted each other every day. She kept telling me that she's trying to fix her relationship and goes back-and-forth saying we can't talk all the time, however she always returns to talking to me a lot. But the reasons of her trying to fix her relationship are because the boyfriend never shows true appreciation for her and doesn't respect her the way she deserves because he's very selfish. She never gets to do anything she wants. He has a tight leash over her. There was one point where he was following her on GPS through his phone keeping track of her every move. And I'm pretty sure he has a hunch that I like her because of how much I talk to her more than him when we all hang out, naturally of course because I have more in common with her than him. She's just a better person. She is the type to blame herself for a lot so when she says fixing her relationship, or working on it, I'm worried she's feeling like she's the problem.

 

Lately I've noticed when I hang out it looks like he intentionally tries to just hold her or kiss her when I'm talking to her or she's in front of me. Sometimes he even pushes her in my line of sight to do these things. I'm not hitting on her at all it's like he's trying to hurt me on purpose. I'll be talking to her and he interrupts and just gets all over her when she's right in my face. And everything I know about him in the relationship, whenever he does these things, it feels like it's phony and it angers me and makes me disrespect him more and more because he does not deserve a wonderful woman like this. He's always constantly trying to hold her and it looks like they are attached at the hip. She has told me about their sex life and how it seems like he doesn't truly appreciate her in that way and she never feels lusted for. And he has a very poor libido. (Which is odd because he has hooked up with so many women before her and i am fairly certain he's been lying to her about his past partners and the number.)

 

My point is, it has got to a point that I cannot handle anymore, she knows my feelings, so I'm not sure what to do. I've always tried to stick around just to be a friend but this guy has just upset me too much where I can't hang out with them like I have almost every week for the last three years. It's always felt like she possibly had reciprocating feelings for me behind her current relationship but she is always trying to work on her current relationship. I have proved to her how much she truly means to me and he never seems to have gotten anywhere near that after nearly 3 years, from just simple gifts I gave her or letters I've written. They truly moved her and she has never seemed to have gotten anything like I gave her before from anyone. These were not necessarily romantic gifts so she wasn't cheating on him in anyway, they were just simple gifts to show her how much she truly is appreciated from someone.

 

So I don't know what to do. I told her I'll always be here for her as a friend but if I just disappear I feel like I betrayed that promise. But it's gotten so painful for me when I hang out with both of them together. It seems like it's always been them and then me for their entire relationship even before I realized my feelings for her. I can't ask her to break up with him because she is too strong of a woman determined to see if she can fix a relationship. But I don't see that happening with the type of person that this guy is. I barely want to call him my friend anymore because of what I have witnessed over time.

 

Last I saw them was a couple days ago I went with them to a music festival. And I just felt so hurt at the end of the day. It was the worst out of all hang outs with the way it seemed like he was treating me. I was led to believe that he enjoys hanging out and wants me around more but I think that's plain lies he has given her. I haven't contacted her at all since. If she contacts me and brings up last time we hung out, she might ask what was wrong with me because at the end of the night it was visible something was bothering me because I was quiet. She and I have both always discussed depression with each other and we can relate on a lot of things along with anxiety and such and we get each other very much. So I'm not sure if I should try and be honest about how I am receiving pain from him. Or if she will just think I'm being biased.

 

Ultimately I wish she would just see it on her own how selfish and disrespectful he is of a person regardless of how small loving gestures he gives like little kisses or holding hands, underneath that is someone who has made me sick overtime because she doesn't deserve any of it. But so much more. I have always felt he is one big lie. I've seen it too; I know he is in certain areas for a fact. So I don't know what to do. I want to walk away from it all but I love her so damn much more than anything in this universe and life.

 

I'm sort of doing a distance/absence type thing, and I wonder if she will miss talking to me because we've talked for so many days for so long in a row. It's been three days now I'm not sure how long I should wait and what I should say when she contacts me next.

 

But I'm in way too much pain because of what this guy is doing to me and how fake he is to her. So this is my venting and I wish I was better at describing the scenario but I tried my best. I'm not just some jealous guy, this boyfriend is legitimately shady in this relationship and I want her to see it. Like I said I am not a homewrecker and I'm not going to butt-in directly but it hurts sitting on the sidelines watching and then being affiliated minorly and hurt directly from him when he continues to claim everything's fine and we are all having a good time. She told me when she hinted that he might be suspicious of my feelings, that his response was that's fine if I did have feelings. Which doesn't make sense because if I'm with someone I would not want any of my friends becoming attached to the girl I'm with.

 

So I'm just over all confused and in a lot of pain and the only thing I know for certain is how much I truly love this girl.

 

Duplicate post...10 min after original post...

[efr1061]

Can you delete this thread then? Did not mean to duplicate two threads

[Harrowdown]

Seems like you guys are having an emotional affair. She can't get that deeper emotional connection from her bf and using you to fulfill that void.

 

I've been in a similar situation before and let me tell you.. nothing good can come from this if you decide to hang around and 'be there for her'. In my opinion you should have a chat with her, emphasize how you feel about her and the situation and explain that this is the reason you're deciding to distance yourself from her. Staying in contact with her will just be ongoing torture.

 

Yes I know, it seems impossible to just disappear from her life. Sounds like you care a lot about her but this is really the only way. If she truly cares about you as you do for her then she will realize this when you're gone and the two of u will definitely find a way to be together.

[Liraele]

She's taken, dude, that's all you need to know. She may seem like your dream girl, but she's flirting with you on the side and courting emotional infidelity (at the least.) Distance yourself - but not to get her. To get over her.