Is there a hope? Please help! What should I do now?

[miss silent]

I am new here! I am really grateful that I can come here and ask you for your help and opinion.

 

my relationship ended last week. I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I can become really needy and dependant. he is quite an independent person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. He likes to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. When we broke up the first time were still meeting each other but I soon realised it was too hurtful for me. For him it was convenient I think at that time so I decided after about a month or so to end it all with him. He was doing everything to win me back. I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I thought ok i'll give us the chance. This was last year in September. the relationship was much better aferwards and I thought now finally we are going to be together .There were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot. I became so attached to him emotionally.

 

In October our relationship became long-distance. He had to leave becasue he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy between us because of the distance but we were trying. He started his job, became quite busy so I started to feel neglected and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. I was aware that my dependance on him was driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thinking of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! I was really happy to be with him again! We spent a really nice week in his country! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. They liked him a lot too so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept pushing for answers when he is coming to see me. the thing is at that time he had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him. he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention so much! BUt the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. I felt lonely! He was there for me a lot! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! After some time, we reached the feeling of feeling so happy and in love! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! But he kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other.

 

I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came rushing from work to pick me up from the airport and he brought me the most beautiful flower! It was our first year annivesary! I was in heaven. He had my photos near his bed and was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! However, on Saturday he was not in the best mood. He was tired from work. Unfortunately i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other for one month and a half! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row. It was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him,that something has to happen soon otherwise it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said "why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you!" He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard to fight for our relationship but when he saw my indifference about it, he started to cry! When I saw that I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me. The first time I saw him crying! tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted and din't mean it. but he had been really distant with me. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! He said "we failed"! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. I felt devastated! I decided to go and see him last weekend to save it all. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea but I decided to go.

 

I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me that he needed space from me to feel better but I didn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! It was strange between us. There was this uncomfortable feeling between us. we then had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but I could feel he was quite irritated. He said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and we met but he told me "It's over" "It's over" He was so upset! He said "Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it!" I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. He said he wanted to be away from me. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each other and he hugged me so much and said "It's hard for me as well but the only thing I can say is I am sorry!"

 

This is what he told me when we had the open talk:

 

He said it wasn't easy for him as well as for me but he said it's best for both of us. At first I was really upset and hurt and I said to him he betrayed me and so on.. He was quite upset but then when we calmed down he hugged me.. I was crying so much.. He said to me that he wanted to be completely honest with me. he said that he hasn't been feeling good about us for a while. He admitted that if he was sure like me that I was the one for him he would have made more efforts but he said he gave our relationsip lots of energy and effort! he said he hasn't had enough experience in his life and he realised he needed to experience more. He also said he knew I wanted more out of the relatioship than he wanted and he said he is afraid of commitment. He also said that because I am older than him 2 years and have a little bit more experience with relationships. He said he knew I wanted to be more serious but he said he can't give me the stability now. He said that he has just started his job and he said he is not really sure about his own life. He said he is not happy with his own life so he can't love and he can't give me what I deserve. He said he is not happy with his life. He said that he is that kind of person, who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has and always looking for something else out there. So i guess he doens't want to miss out on anything. It's horrible to think I made him feel like this... He said that he really likes me a lot but he wants to be sure I am the girl for him by seeing what else is out there. He said he might be making a mistake but he said even if we kept going he would be always tempted .

 

I was so sad to hear that but I know I can't force him and I said to him that I understand he needs to experience more. I said to him that I actually agree with the idea of experiencing a lot before finding the one.. He was so amazed how understanding I was. He was so grateful for that! He said that he still wants to enjoy his life before becoming serious (He is 24 years old.) But he kept asking me if he will loose me. We agreed not to break up completely where we cut all contacts. We agreed that we will "take a break". He said maybe we will be back together but now he wants to be on his own and have his freedom. He said that of course if I find someone else he will not be happy and he will probably regret his decision but he said he wants me to be happy! He said "maybe I will realised that being on my own is not a good idea and I will want to be with you again but it might be too late and that's the risk I am taking". He said he doesn't want to completely close the door behind us. he said he was sad too. He said he still wants us to be in contact and he is still there for me.

 

What do you all think about it? Does anyone have a similar experience? And has it worked out? He said that we were fighting a lot and so that didn't make him motivated more. He said it made him feel like he wants to see something else.

 

I am sorry about the length! please everyone what do you all think about this? Is there a hope for us?

[MetallicAguy]

Looks like he's not ready for a gf in his life at the moment. Give him some space for a while, if he doesn't find a girl in that time period write him a big apology. Obviously he's kind of like me, a big sensitive emotional guy who doesn't know what he wants out of life. The only way you can get stuff through our heads is to write a big apology if it's good enough and meaningful we can accept it. Well, hope it works out. There is always hope; just make sure you write a big apology.

[Scout]

I hate to say this - it sounds so harsh - but the sad fact is sometimes, we fall for someone who just doesn't have that same feeling of intensity for us, as we do for them. There isn't anything you can do to change it. Asking for more only reinforces their feeling that they just don't want that same level of commitment.

 

That's the tough thing about love - it's not always reciprocal, or at least felt in equal amounts.

 

You will find someone one day who returns your feelings - but it honestly doesn't sound like this guy is the one.

[miss silent]

Thanks so much for your replies! I understand that I made some mitakes and I hurt him a lot but I did apologise and I did go and see him a couple of weeks ago to show him I was sorry and I wanted to make things better. He then told me he wants to "take a break to see what else is out there".

 

It's true that I have become really dependant on him! I think he was holding back emotionally especially at the beginning so I naturally wanted him to feel closer! He then opened up to me quite a lot and I was feeling his love a lot but then as soon as I made the mistake by overreacting to him and saying that it's over, he closed up again! Since then our relationship went down the hill because he has distanced himself so much, it was hard for me to be ok about it and to give him the space he needed I guess!

 

I have not contacted him! I guess I feel really really bad about me! I feel like I was emotionally torturing him and was a bad girlfriend for him!

 

At the same time, I am going through waves - one minute I am thinking I must let him go and I must accept it and try to move on but then I start to think about him and our times and I really miss him! We used to text each other and call each other! Now there is this silence! I still cannot understand how could he just give up? He was the one telling me he wanted me to move closer to him so we can see each other more often and have a proper relationship. He wasn't happy with the distance. Why couldn't he wait a little longer for me? I was supposed to move at the end of June and possibly try to be closer to him! There were times he behaved as if he was really commited to me!! I am sad thinking that he must fell out of love with me after the disastrous weekend when I overreacted with him? I am thinking if things would have been different if I was living clsoer to him? I am thinking if things would have been different if I have taken the relationship slowly and stopped pushing him for more? I didn't look for a marriage! I guess the long-distance was hard for us and I wanted to be closer to him as well! I thought he wanted the same thing? Why did he suddenly change his mind like this? I am so sad thinking that he broke up with me because of the distance and because he wants to have a girl who is closer to him and unfortunately I couldn't do it now because I couldn't just leave the country and move to his. I needed more time and I am sad he couldn't wait. I am aware that we were having arguments a lot but that was mainly because we were so far away from each other and then when we met we had the highest expectations of the weekends.. I miss him terribly! I wonder whether he is happier now without me.

 

he is still coming to see me next weekend for the Easter holiday! What would you advise how to be with him? Do you think I should hope for anything this weekend? My friends told me that they are surprised he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holidays with his family and friends... they say that he must still care so much for me.. In a way it's true that he works now so he doesn't get to see his family very often. I really appreciate he is spending the holiday with me. Why do you think he would still come even if he decided to break up with me? I always thought that if you break up with someone and you don't want to be with them anymore, you want to be far from them at least for now.. I know that we said he would still come here because he doesn't want me to spend the holiday on my own. I live abroad without my family and so he is maybe coming here because he would not like me to be alone.. that's very sweet of him but I am still wondering he would prefer spending the weekend with me knowing that it'll be probably sad and hard for us..

 

What do you all think? How should I be with him when he comes?I still love him and miss him so much! I still hope for a relationship with him to be honest! But at the same time I really want to respect his decision becasue he obviously wasn't happy with me and I want him to be happy! It's just that I still cannot believe he left because not a very long time ago he used to tell me he loves me so much and I was his best girlfriend.. something has changed a lot in such a short time!

 

This is our last conversation: He sent me an email on Friday:

 

i just want to ask u something? are u still sure u want me to come to see u next week? cos i 'm a bit worried for u, i dont know if it's good for u to see me now. i could understand if u prefer to stay alone without seeing me for a while to make u forget a bit and be less sad. Cos i know u re sad now and i m not sure if it can improve the situation if u see me. please tell me the truth

about what u really want? u know if u dont want me to come, it doesnt mean that we wont see later after a while anymore cos i can understand u may need a bit of time to forget and be less sad.Tell me please

 

have a good day

 

xxx

 

 

I said I would like him to come and whether he still wants? He replied:

 

yes i will come if u re ok with it! i'm just worried that u could suffer more if u see me, that's why i 'm asking u that. But yes what we said last week was true!

xxx

 

I said to him:

 

i don't think i will suffer if i see you. i'll be happy to see you. If it was true what we said last week why did you tell me to forget in your email? I thought you told me that you don't want to close the door behind us? I thought we decided that it was taking a break to see how we feel later? xxx

 

He replied:

 

i meant to forget about your sadness.I m not closing any door at all but i dont want u to think that we may be together again cos u may wait for me and it wouldnt be very fair for u cos i never said we will be together again for sure. U know i said that cos helen was in this kind of situation with paul, she

was like waiting for him for 2years and they are finally not together and they may never be together again. so she lost 2years. i dont want to do the same to u, it wouldnt be very fair for u. That's why i prefer to be clear by saying that i dont want to be back with u now and i cant promise u anything for the

future. xxx

 

I said:

 

I appreciate you are so concerned for me. I thought me and you had a different relationship to Helen's and the guy. So you prefer I don't wait and take it as a final break up and not taking a break as we said to each other? So you were just saying things like we can see 6 months later how we feel to make me feel better but you knew that it's over completely for you? Sorry about the questions. xxx

 

He replied:

 

of course it was different between us than with helen's situation cos we stayed more than one year together which is not cecile's case. but i didnt say that to make u feel better cos that's what i thought. but i never said we will be together again. i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and

that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together

 

xxx

 

What do you all think please?? I miss him so much! He says that he still wants us to be in contact. It's breaking my heart the thought of him dating others or being with other girls as he said that he wants to see what else is out there! It hurts!!