Trying to be "just friends" isn't working!

[ocean9]

Good afternoon everyone! Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me!

 

I have been honest with her about my feelings. She knows that I love her and that I am still attracted to her. I haven't ever left her wondering about my feelings or my intentions. She knows that I wanted to build a relationship with her.

 

I don't know if she is a player or if she is really confused/messed up right now...I feel played though. I have talked with her about the hot/cold stuff in the past, and nothing changed for long. She would be consistent for a week or two, then right back to the cold distancing behavior.

 

I don't think she is ready for a mature relationship...if she was, she wouldn't be behaving like she does. I also don't think she knows what she wants, so she has to date other guys to test out what she wants. She is in her mid twenties, I thought by now, most women know what they want. Yes, I think she does compare me to other people, so that she makes the choices that benefits her the most...the thing is, this has been going on for several months, and I think she should know by now if it is me she wants. Maybe she doesn't want anyone, and just wants the attention we provide?

 

She is not into me 'enough' for my liking. I am tired of 'chasing' her...it doesn't work. If she really wanted me, she would be spending this weekend with me, not with him. Her actions speak volumes...and I need to start listening. I am like the man on the side...and I don't want to be that guy. No thanks. It's like I am losing respect for myself, and that's not cool.

[Prosper]

Okay, since you have made up your mind. Then proceed and stay firm in your decision.

 

This is the 1st step to self-respect!

 

So... start to

[ocean9]

I plan on hanging out here a lot this weekend so that I don't mess up and call her!

 

This whole situation is not healthy for me, and I know it...I keep hoping she will change her ways, but I don't really think she will She is who she is. I have to deal with the reality of that! Why would she change when she gets the best of both worlds?

 

...plus, I'm starting to think that even if she wanted to be with me full-time, if some other guy came along that she thought was somehow 'better' than me, she would dump me in a heartbeat! That's NOT the kind of woman I want to invest my time and energy with!

[kate111]

Ocean9:

 

Your ex is most likely not as extreme as the picture I painted for you.

 

She most likely does have some feeling for you. But not enough.

 

I do not think you have to put up with being "played" cos I definitely think that at her age she should know better.

 

But maybe she is too selfish to care. Some people are not selfish to be "bad", they just can't see outside their own life and experiences. They have no empathy.

 

It isn't her fault, she is probably just less thoughtful a person than you.

 

All that you have written on this thread, seems to me, remarkably mature and I think you have a great attitude already. You know what to do yourself and seem to see things clearly.

 

In my opinion the fundamental problem is that she doesn't love you ENOUGH.

 

The cure: Make her love you more (no contact).

 

or get over her (no contact).

 

Why don't you do no contact and work out what YOU want.

[ocean9]

kate,

 

I think that she and I just are not on the same page...and nothing will change that. I want a serious relationship...she is not ready for that. (her actions and choices are showing that) Maybe at first she thought she was ready, but pretty much everytime the intimacy would grow, she would freak out, grow cold, and distance herself. She's got issues...and there is nothing I can do to change that. She seems to prefer 'light' relationships...and I'm not at that stage anymore. I'm ready to settle down...she clearly is not.

 

I actually do know what I want in a relationship, and I know that she cannot give me what I need...not now, and maybe not ever. I think she knows this too...a few times she has broken down and cried and apologized for not being able to give me what I deserve....then she gives more for a little while, then she goes back to flirting with other people. She just isn't consistent at all...and her behavior is wearing me thin!

 

I have to let go of the "dream" that keeps me connected to her...because it just isn't happening, and probably won't happen. It's like I'm attached to this illusion of her, not the 'real' her. I need my heart to catch up to my head. I know that I am just hurting myself by being at her beck and call...and I'm also harming my chances of actually be available for the 'right' woman when she comes along!

 

I thought I could do this whole 'friends' thing...but it is costing me too much, and providing too little. I've got to get myself off of her hook!

 

Yes...no contact may be necessary again. It seems so drastic...and then I start to think I'm being immature by doing that. I don't know. One day at a time!

[kate111]

All of what yu are saying makes perfect sense.

 

No contact is not immature. Being in contact is making your wqund deeper and deeper and preventing you from healing. Do it for YOURSELF not for her.

 

After a while out of sight will become out of mind, trust me.