Is she pushing me away?

[rayfutz]

Maybe its not what I think. I need outside perspective. I can give more detail if anyone needs. I guess I just notice pattern changes. We love being together and usually she tries to see me like every other night I am available. But, is it normal for example:

 

to take a girl you have been dating for several months on a nice date, everything goes fine, she has a good time and you talk closely about what you mean to each other. Really a nice date, almost like a first date. Its great! You express your feelings and commitment for each other. I could go on, just a really good time.

 

But after the date you hardly seem to hear from her. Several days. Things she normally does daily seem to stop, such as : asking how your day is going, has the night or weekend off normally spent with you but instead wants to be alone. Zones out in watching tv or something and never really contacts you unless you contact her. Basically days go by and its like she is avoiding you.

 

Just seems off. I don't get it. She is the type that needs lots of contact time and attention from me normally, which I can give and love to.. but lately has seemed like she does not want it. I feel pushed away and without reason. I cant get much out of her either. I ask what's on your mind or things like how do you think we are doing or you know, things like this to see what she is thinking. She always says things like she is 100% happy and thinks we are great and I am the greatest ever and etc etc. So maybe I am overthinking. Any suggestions? What should I say? What should I do or not do? The answer I usually hear is "just talk to her" I agree.. but what do I ask. I want to know more specifically what I can ask her for a direct answer.

[nuttybuddy]

I think you should voice your concerns. cuz a good relationship is built on good communication. yes, you tried to find out if she's doing ok cuz u feel that something's off, but she says she's fine and yet doesn't seem like it's forthcoming. u need to tell her specifically what's bothering you. like how she seems to zone out or doesn't contact u like she used to etc..... find out what her responses are to those specific things.

 

also, when you asked her what she thinks of your relationship and she's so fine with it, did she even ask u back what YOU thought? did she even wonder WHY you were asking that? if she's not curious to know what you're thinking, the relationship is a little skewed.... one sided.... so maybe you could talk to her about that.

[rayfutz]

@nuttybutty Sometimes she will ask me what I am thinking. Thats the same as asking me what's on my mind concerning us.

 

As far as being built on good communication, I totally agree. Thats why Im posting this cause I as stumped and am interested in trying to find a solution. Her reply is always that everything is fine and great etc etc. Its almost like she is scared to voice er opinion or fears.

[ATTS20]

Maybe its not what I think. I need outside perspective. I can give more detail if anyone needs. I guess I just notice pattern changes. We love being together and usually she tries to see me like every other night I am available. But, is it normal for example:

 

to take a girl you have been dating for several months on a nice date, everything goes fine, she has a good time and you talk closely about what you mean to each other. Really a nice date, almost like a first date. Its great! You express your feelings and commitment for each other. I could go on, just a really good time.

 

 

But after the date you hardly seem to hear from her. Several days. Things she normally does daily seem to stop, such as : asking how your day is going, has the night or weekend off normally spent with you but instead wants to be alone. Zones out in watching tv or something and never really contacts you unless you contact her. Basically days go by and its like she is avoiding you.

 

Just seems off. I don't get it. She is the type that needs lots of contact time and attention from me normally, which I can give and love to.. but lately has seemed like she does not want it. I feel pushed away and without reason. I cant get much out of her either. I ask what's on your mind or things like how do you think we are doing or you know, things like this to see what she is thinking. She always says things like she is 100% happy and thinks we are great and I am the greatest ever and etc etc. So maybe I am overthinking. Any suggestions? What should I say? What should I do or not do? The answer I usually hear is "just talk to her" I agree.. but what do I ask. I want to know more specifically what I can ask her for a direct answer.

 

 

You're suffering from the case of sharing your feelings and being available too much. You need to be a challenge for her, but instead you're doing all the chasing. You must let her do 100% of the chasing from now on. That means no contact until she contacts you. When she does, just make a definite date. Learn this principal "Women like a man more when his feelings for them are unclear" Never tell a woman how you "feel" about her, show her. And stop asking about your relationship, you're coming across needy and insecure which is turning her off.

 

Woman are like cats, when they get distant, you must let them. Then they will miss you and come running back. She's testing your man-hood by doing these things. And most importantly, never judge a woman by what she tells you, because what she tells you is only true in the moment she told you. Stop chasing her, let her always communicate with you first. And stop sharing how you feel.

 

Good luck

[rayfutz]

 

"Women like a man more when his feelings for them are unclear"

 

I will give more detail then: she has been cheated on many times in the past. Every boyfriend. She as a result Hates to be ignored. Its easy to make her feel like you have a lack of interest even if that is 100% not the case.

 

Woman are like cats, when they get distant, you must let them. Then they will miss you and come running back.

 

So its a tough call. I can let her walk around and do her own thing acting like I am not bothered so I do not look clingy, and she will feel unimportant and ignored. As a result of being cheated on and blindsided hurt from past boyfriends, she will quickly meet a new guy who will give her attention to battle off what she perceives to be a lack of interest or an impending breakup.

[lostlove76]

Hi. I've read a bunch of threads just like this, EXCEPT that it's always the guy who is behaving this way. This is the first time I've seen that behavior from a girl (that I can recall).

 

Is she an introvert? Some people just need time to themselves, and feel very drained after a lot of interaction.

 

Then there are some people who have intimacy fears and back away when things get too close. My ex did what you described, for this reason. He was very commitment-phobic.

 

Sometimes it's mind games, playing hot/cold to keep control.

 

And sometimes, some people just don't need every day contact and are happy with a few times a week, and don't need to talk the rest of the time.

 

It could be any or none of the above, I'm just making guesses without knowing her.

 

I can empathize with your confusion though. It will drive you crazy if it continues and she doesn't explain it.

[rayfutz]

 

Is she an introvert? Some people just need time to themselves, and feel very drained after a lot of interaction.

 

Then there are some people who have intimacy fears and back away when things get too close. My ex did what you described, for this reason. He was very commitment-phobic.

 

Sometimes it's mind games, playing hot/cold to keep control.

 

And sometimes, some people just don't need every day contact and are happy with a few times a week, and don't need to talk the rest of the time.

 

Good points. She is somewhat introverted. Im just confused cause Im not sure what changed and she isn't saying much. My guess is she wants to spend more time with her friends?? But she sees them. And the past few days of this pattern change I don't think she did anything with them at all.

 

Id say 50% of the time, if not more, its her wanting to get together with me. Weekends usually are a great time. But lately .. nothing. That and just communication in general and asking about my day, or texting throughout seems light to nothing unless I her about her day first. Just seems like she is not interested. I guess my real thought is maybe how long has this been going on and is it just now showing?

[lostlove76]

Those do seem like signs of losing interest; however, if things are great in person, then I would think this would be the case. What you're describing really is exactly how my ex was, for two years. When we were together, it was beyond amazing. When he wanted to talk on the phone, he was very loving and engaged and we talked for hours. But the rest of the time, nothing. It was very hurtful and very confusing, and I never totally figured it out. He was just very commitment-phobic, and it really did my head in. Maybe that's what's going on with your girl. Or maybe she just wants everything on her terms - she wants it when she wants it, but just wants to be left alone the rest of the time. Which isn't fair to you at all.

[rayfutz]

Who the hell knows anymore Everyone is different. Maybe she is commitment phobic, maybe we see each other too much, maybe her cat died and she didnt tell me. Who knows

[lostlove76]

I agree it's frustrating.

 

I made a typo in my post. I meant to say "Those do seem like signs of losing interest; however, if things are great in person, then I wouldn't think this would be the case."

 

Sorry about that.

[ATTS20]

I will give more detail then: she has been cheated on many times in the past. Every boyfriend. She as a result Hates to be ignored. Its easy to make her feel like you have a lack of interest even if that is 100% not the case.

 

 

So its a tough call. I can let her walk around and do her own thing acting like I am not bothered so I do not look clingy, and she will feel unimportant and ignored. As a result of being cheated on and blindsided hurt from past boyfriends, she will quickly meet a new guy who will give her attention to battle off what she perceives to be a lack of interest or an impending breakup.

 

This is you thinking rationally. The bottom line, her past is not your problem. Don't take her words as truth, look at her actions. She wants to come and go as she pleases. The only thing she needs from you is to be there for her when she needs/wants you to.

 

If she meets a new guy and runs off, then she has 0 integrity and you don't want that anyway. Be a man, don't try to let your fear of her walking out on you keep you from being a challenge to her. Her past is of no consequence to this relationship. You should treat her no different than any other woman. Allow her to come to you.

 

Good luck

[Jibralta]

How long have you been dating?

[rayfutz]

How long have you been dating?

 

Maybe 8 or 9 months I guess

[rayfutz]

I see what you are saying on a few things there. But this I would disagree with

Her past is of no consequence to this relationship.

 

If someone is cheated on in the past, and multiple times, It changes them and makes them feel vulnerable to having it repeat.

 

So her past does has consequence to a current running relationship, very much

[ATTS20]

I see what you are saying on a few things there. But this I would disagree with

 

 

If someone is cheated on in the past, and multiple times, It changes them and makes them feel vulnerable to having it repeat.

 

So her past does has consequence to a current running relationship, very much

 

Are you them? Are you a professional therapist who has deep insight into this specific woman? The point is, it's your assertion. It does not make it true! She can tell you all she wants about how sensitive she is to signs of cheating. Here is the point, you being a challenge to her does NOT mean and/or imply in anyway that you're cheating on her or have run off with another woman. If she thinks that, then she's insecure and there isn't AnYTHING you can do shy of turning into a therapist and spending the rest of your life trying to fix her.

 

This is a simple issue. You've created this story in your head that this woman is vulnerable to cheating and so to prove to her you're not that person, you've smothered her with your feminine feelings. This of course has turned her off, which has caused her (by her actions) to pull back from you. In turn, you've decided it must mean you need to try EXTRA hard to win her approval (approval seeking behavior) by contacting her and constantly asking how things are going with her feelings and how the relationship is going (because you FEAR losing her).

 

What you're missing is that your neediness and insecurity/fear of losing her and thus wrongly over chasing her has caused her interest in you to further drop. I know it's difficult to fathom this, but you need to do a 180 here. In fact every time you want to reach out, do exactly the opposite and don't. Let her come to you!

[rayfutz]

Thanks for your incite, and definitely understand your personal point. Im interested to hear what others think about my situation