Winning back the heart of the Girl of My Dreams

[AndyTeg]

This is going to be quite a long post, because the incident started nearly a month ago. I really need your advice people. PLEASE. There are various factors at play here, so please advise me on what to do.

 

I have been in a relationship with a beautiful girl (Miss L) for 3 years. It was a week to go, before it would have been 3 years and 6 months.

 

I went to see her on Tuesday (5th August) and she said she had fallen out of love with me. I don't know what to do. I am devastated and confused. I know that we hadn't seen much of each other recently but I was making an effort to change that. She is off on holiday tomorrow and I am hoping that the following happens.

 

She will see other couples on holiday and miss me. More importantly she will miss what we had and want to get back with me when she gets back.

 

Of course, the fool that I am, I have taken the rejection badly and last night, tried to meet up. I was told that I aws crowding her and that she needed space. I have apologised for my actions, and told her to forget all about it. I told her to enjoy her holiday, have a great time and that I would see her afterwards.

 

What should I do? I now have around 12 days to build up my self-esteem. I am busy, so will not be sitting at home moping. I have friends that listen to me and cheer me up when I go and see them.

 

Has anyone, been in a similar situation? How did it work out for you? Do I have a good chance of winning her back? How should I approach her when she gets back from holiday? Methods which will lead me to success?

 

This is hurting me very badly, as I am quite lonely and isolated at the moment. Your advice would be much appreciated!

 

You know when you have that feeling deep inside that this special someone, is the ONE. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Well this is how I feel for this young lady

 

More info...

 

Well we are both 20 years old and we got together at during our first year at college, back in 1999. We have been through a lot together. We go to different universities in the same city. While at University our relationship took a big leap, and we were practically living together. Although, of course we had our space when we needed it.

 

It is really hard. For both of us, this is our first serious relationship and although I understand that you should have new experiences with new people. I believe deep down inside that even she knows that what we have (had) she will never be able to have with someone else. Of course, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who didn't love me back, but I am sure she does.

 

I am trying to keep myself busy, but most of my friends are either very far from my home town or on holiday. I in the third year of my degree, which involves a sandwhich placement.

 

The other thing is, when I went to see her, on Tuesday last week. I sensed that this was really the end because she talked about giving all my stuff (clothes and little things) back to me and arranging this. Plus, also the diamond ring which I had bought for her on our first Christmas together (quite expensive). Well she has degraded it to a 'friendship' ring, but she is still going to wear it so that means that she still has me in her heart. Plus, she also said that she would keep a photograph of me. She says that she is to blame for the relationship going off the rails. She has fallen out of love with me. Now, come on, after 3 and half years, you can't simply fall out of love with someone. I know that she needs time to think, space, to relax and that hopefully she will come back.

 

I thought the picture was perfect. I had just bought a new car, new job, money and my beautiful girlfriend. I was at a point in my life where I could say, "I've made it! I've achieved!"

 

I am a true gentleman, and although I will meet girls no problem. I don't want to take it any further. Although L is on holiday, I know that she will too not 'pull' any blokes because that will confuse her further. Although she will meet new ladz, she is on holiday with her family, not her friends.

 

Just to keep you updated on the situation and on my progress.

Call one of my friends from Uni, who is quite close to L. We chatted for about 30 minutes, and I must say I felt a lot better after being on the phone and speaking.

 

I woke up this morning, not feeling the great. But I switched on my phone and to my delight, L has sent me text at 23 just before she was about to board the plane on Monday 12th August. It read:

 

"Have a good 2 weeks. See you when I get back

 

So... what does this mean? She is obviously missing me, thinking about me! Any advice, whether to forget it or to persue would be greatly appreciated.

 

How should I approach contacting her when she gets back? I don't want to be in her face straight away... and although I would like to send flowers and stuff, I think it would best not to.

I have been very busy, so the only time I have thought of L, is before going to sleep, and when I wake up. I do think of her during the day, but it is not for long periods, only now and again. When I am busy, there are so many other things that are going on, that I have to be giving 100% concentration or it is not worth it.

 

I hope that it all works out. I am sure that it will. There is just the thought, that she comes back, and just carries on with her life, forgetting about me. Or that she has already met someone else (before holiday) and that she gets together with him.

 

But I am not letting stupid thoughts like that, get to me. I know what I have to do, I know how I have changed myself from a miserable wreck, to a person with an air of confidence within a matter of a few days. I am sure that L, will notice this on her arrival back to the UK.

 

The only bad thing now, is the waiting. I keep glancing at my phone to see if I have a message, or waiting for the e-mail to come through. I suppose, it will be better in the long run, if she makes the first move.

 

I just hope she does make the right one.

 

Check out my website for further details about me.

 

Just a quick message to let you all know the current situation.

 

L got back from holiday yesterday afternoon and text me. We were texting most of the evening. It was quite friendly. Then I asked what her plans were for the next few weeks. Then she replied, "Why, do you want to get together?" RESULT!

 

Going out for a meal on Thursday evening. She obviously still cares about me. I just hope that things work out tomorrow night. She says that we are best mates (but I am sure that it is more than that!)

 

What should I do? How should I approach this? I don't want to appear to desperate or pushy (or try too hard!) But then again, I don't want to appear uninterested in rescuing the relationship!

[AndyTeg]

Well it went well. Sort of.

 

There is another bloke. Wayne. She is seeing him in London on Sunday. So I will take it from there.

 

Many things were discussed, many emotions came to the surface. In the end, I think I achieved the right happy medium. I will enjoy my weekend, and take it from there.

 

So what do I do guys?

 

The low down on Wayne. They bumped into each other in a club in Leicester towards the end of Uni last year. I had gone home a week earlier, and L was enjoying the last few days of Uni. They chatted and he was keen on her and wanted her number. She explained that she was spoken for but took his number.

 

They texted as friends for the next few months. Then of course, the relationship with me ended and Wayne was in the ideal situation to pounce. They get on really well, from what L tells me and have loads loads in common. We will have to see what happens.

 

L has promised me this. That she has not got her hopes up that things will work out with Wayne or me, or anyone else. So that is something.

 

I would really appreciate to hear anyone's advice on this matter, as you can understand, I am quite hurt that there is someone else in the frame.

 

But like before, I am sure she will make the right decision in the end.

 

 

Anyway, the reason I am so rational is because of the following.

 

I am letting my head rule my heart. Of course it hurst when you get dumbed. But it hurts even more when you get dumbed and then your ex, goes (or is going) into the arms of another bloke. Of course, last night was hell. My hearts was fluttering up and down and my feelings for L were stronger than ever.

 

But I am being positive (look at the signature to all my messages!) I have to be. I can't mope around the house. I am going to keep busy over the weekend, and coming weeks.

 

L is meeting Wayne as friends, who is to know what will or will not happen. They could just remain friends.

 

I will wait to hear from Laura on Sunday evening to find out how it went. If we are to remain friends, fair play. If we work on it to become something stronger, cool. No problems.

 

The other reason why I am being so rational is that I have been through this before (check out posting on the BBC site for more details)

I was dumped, then L tested the water with a guy she had met thinking he was the best thing since sliced bread. Then the following day, I got the text message: "Do you still love me?" and we got back together.

 

Who is to say that this may not happen again? Afterall, you always think that the grass is greener on the other side but when you actually jump over the fence, you realise that you have made a very big big mistake.

 

What do you think? How do you think I should approach this? What would you do if you were in my shoes? You had strong feelings for a girl and she dumped you out of the blue, and seeked a relationship with someone else! You have to understand, as the old saying goes, "You don't realise what you've got until its gone!" Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Have I got a chance? What do you think, I am asking for your honest opinion! Or is my head in the clouds?

 

This is what I am going to do. Just try and forget about the whole thing for the rest of the weekend. I've been through this before and I know that although today will not be too much of a problem, tomorrow will be a bit of mission to get through.

 

I am not sure why I am worrying so much about it. Wayne and L are meeting as friends. Its the first time they are meeting to be frank. They have been texting each other for about 2 months, and only in the last 3 weeks has this been on an intimate/personal level. She says they have loads in common, and that she finds things about him attractive. I don't think you can make decisions like that, without meeting someone in the flesh and making up your mind. Via text message he may appear to me the best thing since sliced bread, but when she meets him tomorrow I am sure that she will see his faults and his good points. Then with the full picture she will make up her mind.

 

I have 3 and half great years with L. We have (or had) something special that can't been taken away just like that. What has Wayne got? He is an opportunist, who is just trying to get L on the rebound. As much as I hate, this and it hurts me deeply that it is happening, I am sure L will see through this facade.

 

On Sunday evening, I am sure L will text me to let me know how it went. Personally of course, I hope it goes they it went last year. That she sees him as just a friend, and then gets the time to herself, to sort out her feelings.

 

There was signs on Thursday night, that deep down inside, L still has strong feelings for me, but these have been clouded by Wayne, texting her and confusing. Like you said, making her feel better about herself. When we hugged, cuddled and kissed, there was passion there, not just as a friend but more than that.

 

Of course, there is the possibility that she and Wayne get together. As devastating as that maybe, I think there is hope that things don't work out. I am sure deep down inside, that she will not be truly happy with him.

 

Tomorrow is going to be hard, no matter how busy I keep myself I am sure I will thinking of L, and how her day is going with Wayne. Please text me, with your thoughts, and help me get through this. Of course, I hope that as you have been saying, it all works out in the end.

 

The first two weeks were tough. Several reasons really, Laura was on holiday and I have very few people, close to me, who I could talk to about it face to face. Some where on holiday, others were just too far away. Although a phone call can help, interacting on a personal level with someone face to face means so much more.

 

But, I've picked myself up. I know that there is little more I can do. Of course, like with your boyfriend, we have agreed to remain the best of friends.

 

Having this Wayne character in the frame does not help matters (from both my aspect, and for her to heal before going into another relationship)

 

I know that by tomorrow evening L will have decided the following:

 

* Start a relationship with Wayne

* Just stay friends with Wayne and stay single (fair dos!)

* Stay friends with Wayne and come back to me

 

Of course the first option is what I don't want to happen but its all out my hands. Its in L's hands. She has to make the decision she feels most comfortable with.

 

I think too, that given time, L and me will regain the lost 'spark' and everything will get back together.

 

How would you get through tomorrow? Knowing your boyfriend was meeting a girl he had been texting for 2 months and intimately for the last three weeks? I just want to know if there is anything that will bring L back to me. There is hope. There is always hope. Without hope there would be no point looking forward to tomorrow with such optimism.

 

Well, mixed news again people.

 

L text me yesterday morning. Asking about my weekend and stuff. She had a good time, and enjoyed her weekend. I called her during my lunch hour but she was busy, and I would call her at 3pm during her break.

 

But I didn't want to appear so available, so I told her, I was busy and call her in the evening. I did, and was glad that we had a little chat about her weekend and what she got up to.

 

She had a good time with Wayne. They had breakfast, when shopping, went on the London Eye, went to Pella Pasta for lunch and then spent the afternoon in St. James Park. So, I think she had great expectations and that it didn't all work out.

 

Anyway, going to see her on Thursday. Going to the movies, her choice.

Want to play it cool again, and win her back.

 

What should I do? How should I approach the subject of Wayne and the potential relationship there? How should behave? Can I win her back?

Is there hope? I believe there is a good deal of hope?

 

No gifts, no flowers, nothing this time. Just going to dress up to impress and make sure she knows what she is missing!

 

Further developments, on the way home from work.

 

I had text Laura at Lunch time, to find out what movie she wanted to see. She didn't reply until she finished work at 5.30pm.

 

We then texted for a good hour and 30 minutes.

She wants me to surprise me and I said that I would. Then I slipped in a question: "So, how is Wayne?"

 

The reply I got was: "He's Lovely! He can't wait for me to get back to Leicester"

 

Of course, my heart sank at this message. So I asked how she was, how her friends thought about Wayne just trying to tease out whether on Sunday, they had kissed, and how far it had gone.The reply I got to this was: "They r all gr8! They think he sounds lovely and that I should do wateva makes me happy"

 

Again, my heart sank.

Then, I asked about her plans for the weekend. I asked how she felt. The reply to this, was a long list of things she was doing, followed by, "I am happy"

 

Then, I offered to come over on Sunday and help sort out her stuff for Uni (She leaves on Sunday 15th - so I don't have much time!) I don't want her and Wayne to get together, as you can understand!

 

Her reply to this, gave me and my heart great joy!

"Y not. sounds ok "

 

So, I said, cool, and that I would look forward to seeing her on Thursday and signed off.

 

I so miss the 'I Love You' at the end of text messages and voicemails.

 

WHAT DO I DO? Please please please please please help!

 

I am thinking of surprising her, by taking to see The Sweetest Thing, at the cinema. What do I do? I don't want to buy any gifts, but also I don't want to be totally uninterested.

 

I want this girl, she is the one. I love her, so much. Please help.

[Jack123456789]

Hi.

 

My name is Jack and I have been going through exactly the same thing that you have so your not alone mate!

 

My ex of almost 4 years recentley broke up with me using the old 'love you but not in love with you' phrase. Things hadn't been going well for about 5-6 months but I thought that we'd always pull through. She tells me that I am her soul mate, her best friend and that she will never meet anyone like me again in her life. She keeps saying that she is scared of making a massive mistake. When it first happened I quizzed her over the fact that she had been spending a lot of time with another bloke. She told me that they were just friends and that it allowed her to get away from everybody else as they were quizzing her about what had happened between us. I want to believe her, because I've always been quite trusting of her and she is the most anti-betrayal person I have ever met. However, since we broke up (about a month now) she has gone to London with this other guy for a couple of weeks. It's horrible thinking up whats happening in your head - i know - but you can't let it take over your life. We decided to not stay in contact because I couldn't pretend that I didn't have feelings for her and that it wasn't healthy for me. Although the thought of never seeing her again tore me apart. Anyway, she goes to London and 3 days later she rings me. To be honest I thought she was going to say that she was with this other bloke now, but in fact she rang to say what a crap time she was having! But I stayed realistic - sometimes we never know the 'real' reasons why people's feelings change. I know I never will, and I know that that is hard - probably for you too. I agree that the worst thing is that it seems like all the time you spent together was worth nothing to her! I like to think that that can't possibly be true. People always think the grass is greener etc. and especially girls. In my case I am confused because I always think that any problem can be sorted - but I don't think she will ever come back to me. She told me that she knows that one day she will suddenly realise that she should be with me and realise the mistake she made. This is sometimes what its all about, people think that because they have been with someone for a long time then they are 'missing out'. They meet new people who excite them because they are 'new' and forget the reasons why they were in the other relationship. But people who think this way need to make mistakes to learn - there's no other way! The way I deal with all the pain, paranoid thoughts and anger is this: Remember that YOU did nothing wrong - if the worst comes to the worst and she had been seeing someone else behind your back (as I sometimes think my ex had) then that is on HER consciouss. She will have to deal with the fact, one day, that she hurt and betrayed someone who gave her all the love they could give. And believe me, that will stick with her for good. And remember people that act that way will always have problems in relationships it all comes back around! But if you believe that she is the one for you, just think like I think - If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Maybe not now, maybe in months or even years. Only time, and maybe experience of other relationships, will make her realise what she threw away! Any furthermore, maybe by the time she does realise you will have moved on yourself and be even happier than you ever were. The biggest problem with relationships is that we put all our efforts into someone else - we neglect ourselves! And remember that its YOU that she fell for - so my advice - concentrate on YOU and good things will happen. I still hope that my ex will realise her mistake but I am also realisitic - I may never know why she left, I may never see her again. You have to come to terms with these things.

 

J.

[AndyTeg]

J,

 

Thanks for your help mate. I understand, I sympathize. Alot of people (on messages boards in particular) 'sort of' went through the same thing and tell you to just GET OVER IT!

 

Well, thanks for taking the time to read my thread! Long isn't it!

 

But I am going to the cinema with her tomorrow night. She wants me to surprise her with the choice of movie. So we are going to see THE SWEETEST THING. How do you think I should approach this?

 

It is so, true that girls, get amazed by new people and forget what their boyfriend really means. I think this guy is only interested in one thing.

 

She says that she fancies him, but I think she still has feelings for me deep down inside.

 

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Andy

[Jack123456789]

Hi there.

 

If I were you I'd just be real careful. I have tried to avoid contact with my ex but cant stop myself sending her texts (damn mobile phones!). Whilst she replies sometimes often she doesn't. There is a danger that you (or I!) may push our repsective ex's away by putting too much pressure on them. If she is in a state where she doesn't really know what she wants she may the take the easy route (i.e. the other guy because there's no stress involved, it's just simple). That's what's happening with my ex, she spends time with the other guy because she doesn't have to talk about 'feelings' and 'whys' and painful stuff she can just be 'normal'. So what's the solution? I'm not really sure, all I can say is try to be as subtle and sensitive as possible. If things are going ok, remind of why you were together in the first place and why it would be stupis to let all you've built go away simply because she's met someone else. Remind her that she'll probably meet other blokes in the future too (be sure to say that you will meet girls!) and may ahve to go through all this again. Don't push her into anything - she probably doesn't want to think about it all! Also, be wary of the fact that she may be doing all this to 'protect' your feelings (although i KNOW that it makes it worse!) - maybe challenge her on this - but be careful! Stand up for yourself - make her realise what she's letting go! But, believe me, you CANT change how people feel. I know. And it's tearing me apart.

 

Best of Luck.

 

Jack.

[gefiltepez]

I am going throuhg the exact same tihng right now. My girlfriend and I broke up 2 months ago and it has been a living hell ever since She says she doesn't really know why she can't be with me right now but that she loves me and thinks I am the most amazing person she has ever met.

 

We were best friends before me started dating and both know that we are soul mates. I have tried to stay friends with her but she is dating other people and it is just too painful. I have since told her that I cannot be friends with her now. I hope that one day we will have some sort of relationship but that is truly up to her. She needs to decide if I am important to her. I am confident that she will realize what she has given up, but I fear that my trust in her may nave been too violated.

 

I will always remember her as my first love and as much as I want to be with her, I know it could not be a healthy relationship. She has commitment issues to work out stemming from a fatherless childhood. I would rather risk losing her forever than get involved in a cycle of betrayal and hurt. It is in her hands now and there is nothing I can do about it but move on and hope that she is OK.

 

In my opinion, the best thing to do is to truly love her and truly wish her all the happiness that she deserves as a great person, but realize that you deserve to b with someone who can love you the way you love them. I n my heart that she realizes her mistake, but sometimes these things have nothing to do with us, it is all about them. It hurts more than anything, but such is life.

 

I have to say that Jack's poast is right on. Exactly how I feel.

[Jack123456789]

Hey Guys.

 

So what do we all do now? Who knows.

 

Just heard from my ex today. Says she misses me and thinks of me all the time but doesn't know whether the 'reasons' why she misses me are the 'right' reasons.

 

Right now I think like this:

 

1. She responds to my contact because it makes her feel better about what she ended.

 

2. She responds to my contact because she's not sure what she wants.

 

3. She contacted me because she needed to, and want's to remind herself that someone wants her.

 

4. The lie continues and she is just digging herself into a deeper hole because she can't admit that she is with this other guy.

 

5. She has realised that the 'grass' isn't 'greener'.

 

Who knows?

 

My answer.

No-one knows.

 

Stay strong.

Jack.

[AndyTeg]

Sorry guys that I haven't replied for ages.

 

I will update you on all the happenings over the weekend.

 

Be strong. Have faith!

 

Andy

[AndyTeg]

How is it going?

What is the latest news?

 

My situation is bad. She texts and e-mails now and again. I ignore it, and play the whole bastard role.

 

She has decided not to come to my work Christmas do (going to a surprise do with her new man Wayne) And she is too busy to come to my birthday party (21st) on Saturday night on this coming Saturday 23rd Nov.

 

However, she just came down this weekend, with Wayne for her friend's 21st birthday. Is this how you treat your apparent best friend?

 

She is very sorry for hurting me but continues to. She could have called me to explain about not coming to my work do. Instead she texts me at 11pm at night, avoiding me.

 

I don't know what to do. Been very strong up until now. Now, she's even ruined my 21st birthday.

 

Andy

xxx