Is there hope, should I open up? Or am I being foolish?

[belugawhale]

My boyfriend and I had been together for 5 years (living together for 1.5), and broke up formally in December 2015, although we were more like roommates as of October (no intimacy, no dates, but still very polite). We broke up because for the last year he started feeling tons of work stress which made him panic about life and feel like he wasn’t where he wanted to be professionally. This morphed into a depression where all he did was play computer games or get high. I tried my best to support him through it but often felt very alone or pushed away. I tried not to take it personally, but it was hard (the lack of intimacy especially). He also said he felt overwhelmed by the relationship (not me, specifically) because he felt it was stressful to worry about my feelings while dealing with his own(although I did nothing to actively contribute to the worry other than communicating that the roommates thing was not okay with me).

 

He moved out in January (mutual decision to break up), and I went NC for about 4 months. Then, we met up about 1.5 months ago. I felt ready to see him because to me, things had been over since October, and my heart felt capable of handling the meetup. He broke down in tears during the meetup saying he felt like a shell of himself, wasn’t seeing friends, etc….he was even worse than when we were still living together. I didn’t say much, but I listened because I still care for him, but I also didn’t want to fall into my role of caring for him and making himself feel better that I became used to. He said he loved me but was afraid of hurting me again. I told him I didn’t see us in a relationship right now due to his issues, and it wasn’t the right time.

 

We have seen each other again twice now (last 2 weekends), and things have been….surreal? He made me feel better than I could have imagined, showing me with his actions how much I mean to him. He talked to me about how he is figuring things out, playing video games less, etc….finding his happiness. He seemed much better too. We made out….and we felt like teenagers. It was unexpected and totally emotionally overwhelming for me. We spoke about dates we’d been on since the breakup, and how awful they were, but nothing related to us or relationships. Although he texts me sweet things in between our dates, and last time, he did mention how he “didn’t know what we were doing, but he was afraid of what would happen”. I told him I was afraid to, but thought we should focus more on the present.

 

I love this man, I never stopped caring for him. And now, that old love feeling is coming back full force (we have always had very strong chemistry), and although he likely feels the same way, I am terrified of saying anything. We have plans for the near future, and I am thinking of telling him I love him and I love going out on dates with him (like I said, dead bedroom and no dates pre-breakup were the worst part for me), and that I want things to stay the way they are and see how they evolve. But I am afraid he will freak out or back off or something…I don’t know. I tend to be anxious and assume the worst. At the same time, I don’t want to keep meeting up with him only to be told down the line “sorry, I’m not ready for a relationship” when it will hurt even more. What should I do? Am I being foolish? Is it too soon? Do I say nothing and wait? Because for once, his actions are speaking louder than his words, he is pursuing me…and it feels so good. He is the man I want to be pursued by. Help!

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's pursuing and wooing you to move back in so you can enable him again and he can go back to getting high, playing video games all day.

 

Unfortunately you sound over-attached and unclear of what you want. For example sweet texts and fun dates etc. are clouding the real issue of his pothead laziness and no attraction toward you, no sex, no intimacy. And these so-called actions are actually nothing more than words or more accurately, empty promises.

we were more like roommates as of October no intimacy all he did was play computer games or get high.