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Help me please

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I'm a 23 year old girl who's lost and looking for advice.

Where do I begin?

I've always known I've liked girls, but always dated boys. Most likely because I'm a girly girl with a hint of outdoorsy tom boy. (Born and raised in a small town in the mountains in Colorado)Anyways.. I have always been attractive (I guess) to most people so finding someone to date wasn't really an issue. (Not trying to be egotistical just painting a better picture) although being "pretty" was confusing for me because I always fit in better with the minority. Nerds. Druggys. Party crew. So growing up I was also tight knit into the church community from around the ages 12-17 but I think it was mostly just giving me something to do at the time. In that time I became very close friends with about 5-6 kids who I still love very much today. Around 18 I joined the military (where I basically said screw all the rules and mainly just drank and somehow graduated) and stayed in the reserves where I moved back to my home town where I drank.. A lot... I slept around with a lot of guys and basically treated myself like crap.


Let's back track. My mother raised me by herself with two other siblings while marrying and divorcing 3 men while she raised me. That was hard. I had a different father figure every year and my own dad was in my life but I hardly spent time with him.. Growing up I was a troubled kid. Very smart but disruptive. I got bored easily and would talk a lot and make jokes and got kicked out of school often. I eventually dropped out my soho more year and between then and when I joined the military I mostly just partied and slept around.


Ok now. When I got back I dated a few guys on and off but nothin too serious. I was living with my best friend Kathy at the time (2013) when Cindy came into my life. Well she was always there. Cindy and I went to school together since the 4th grade but never really got along or talked. It was just one of those things where our groups didn't get along and we just didn't talk. But after I got back and we had "grown up" some she came back into my life. I always knew she was gay and she dated a girl before me. I heard that Cindy had slept with my sisters fiancé. I was furious so I hunted her down to ask questions. She asked me to give her a chance to explain so I went on a drive with her which included alcohol. We drank and she explained that my sister was drunk and actually asking for a three some and that it wasn't their fault. My dumb drunk and young self decided to accept this and I ended up taking her home and sleeping with her that night. After this she never left. We got a place together and my sister and the rest of my family (rightfully) disowned me. I worked while Cindy smoked weed with her friends and basically I fell head over heals obsessively in love with her. I lost all of my close friends and family because I was so blinded by her that I consumed everything in my life with her. I quit jobs for her. I quit the military for her. I gave up opportunities and trips and so many other things just because I wanted to be around her.

But it wasn't just that. I was obsessed with proving that she was cheating on me. Because she has. 2-3 times and I've forgiven her for each one. Everything my life is surrounds her. I moved from my home town to North Dakota to be with her and I hate it. All we do is fight and she controls me. We only do what she wants to do ever. We eat what she wants, watch what she wants, everything. But that's just it! I know i need to leave. Thankfully my friends who I lost along the way are willing to have me come back with open arms to take me in when I get there. But why can't I leave? What's holding me back? She's awful but I love her! Please someone just tell me how to just go and make that 16 hour drive back home alone. How do j stay strong enough not to turn around? Please...

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