long story, what would you do?

[Sara87]

Hey all, I want to share my story and get some feedback.

 

I’m going to try to summarise as much as possible, otherwise this will be a novel!

 

Over 3 years ago I met a girl, I’m also a girl. We met online, it was great. I loved her a lot and always enjoyed getting to meet up and spending time together in person.

The only problem we had, I say only, but it was a huge problem, is that she wasn’t accepting of her sexuality.

She was unable to accept that at the least she was bisexual, this caused her a lot of stress because having come from a strict religious family, she felt like she would bring immense shame on to her family, especially her parents who were very active members in their Jewish community. Her mum had been known to comment on so and so’s son who came out gay or felt “sorry” for a friend because her daughter had married a non Jew.

 

Anyway we dated on and off for 2.5 years. What we had together was amazing, she was everything I had ever wanted. Between us, we’ve travelled to 60 + countries, she’s so smart she’s a doctor, I’m a lawyer, and we had the majority of the same views and opinions.

I think its fair to say I’ve never loved or wanted someone as much as I wanted her.

 

However –

We broke up a few times, when the guilt of our relationship got too much for her, she found it difficult.

She loved me but I think now in hindsight I can tell that she didn’t give me her all because she couldn’t see a future with me. Because I went against everything she was raised to believe.

 

We used to argue because I wanted more. I wanted her to accept us but it just wasn’t happening.

The final straw happened about 6 months ago. We broke up and as painful as it was I moved on.

I told myself I had to because there’s nothing more I can offer this girl, she has to figure things out alone and I’m not the gender she wants then theres not much I can do. I guess I realised, if she cant accept who she is then she won’t accept me.

I also reached a point where I had nothing more to give. I’d tried my absolute hardest to show her how much I loved her and what she would lose. But it wasn’t enough.

 

So as I said I decided its time to put myself first- the first couple months I partied too hard, then I had a great family vacation, then I started focussing on myself and just getting myself to the best place I can.

At the start we would message once every week or two but that soon faded to zero communication for around 7 weeks.

 

I also met someone, we both aren’t looking for anything serious, just someone to hang out with, have fun with but its not serious. Although I would usually never recommend a rebound or using someone as a distraction, me being honest about my situation makes me feel better.

 

Anyways the ex text me, we shared a few messages a couple weeks ago, she then text me again last week, again we messaged a little. She admitted she missed me and that she forgot how funny I was.

I asked her if she was seeing someone, she said yes. I said me too.

 

We then talked on the phone and it was just a general catch up.

 

It turns out that her current partner is a girl. Until this point I had been the only girl she’d been with and the only person she’d admitted her feelings to. Since we’ve broken up, she’s come out to her family and has made a lot of changes.

 

I then told her that I needed time to work out how I felt about her dating a girl and that although I have no right to tell her what to do, I can control how things affect me and I needed time to work out if I wanted to be friends with her, if it was indeed something that would benefit me. Or would it sting too much that she now has a gf ( I just want to clarify I expected her to be in a relationship or have moved on but with a man)

 

I asked for space to think things over, she text me the next say asking how I was. I didn’t reply, she then sent me a long apology message. I asked her what she wants, she said she loved me and can finally allow herself to see a future with me. She only wants me and has actually confided in her mum about me and our past relationship.

 

I told her that I find it absurd that she thinks she can lay this all on me especially whilst having a gf.

Last night we spoke again, and she admits she messed up. Even before we talked openly she told me her gf is a very casual thing, it sort of sounds like she has the same thing I have. She told me its me she thinks of constantly, even when with her.

And some of the things she mentions I agree with completely. Like we can literally talk about everything, we never get sick of each other, she respects my opinions and finds me very interesting. All things, shes not getting from her current gf.

So her mess up is, she feels as though she should have got things in order on her end before reaching out to me. She leaves her current job in less than a month and had already planned on ending things with her gf when she moves. When we talked a little, she said she just felt like she couldn’t not tell me any longer.

She had to tell me that she loves me and wants me back, she knew how upset this relationship made me towards the end and she had to tell me how she felt.

 

Am I being stupid?

She told me, that she wants to get things in order and then beg for me back because she finally realises how I’m the right one for her.

 

What do you guys think?

[WithLove]

I think you both need to get your lives in order before you pursue anything. Neither of you should be with someone else and still have the end goal of being with each other.

 

It feels much too soon to me. She came out to her family, which is a huge step, and I think she needs time to herself to be able to own who she is. I don't think the few months that have passed have been enough time to do that.

[Sara87]

I think you both need to get your lives in order before you pursue anything. Neither of you should be with someone else and still have the end goal of being with each other.

 

It feels much too soon to me. She came out to her family, which is a huge step, and I think she needs time to herself to be able to own who she is. I don't think the few months that have passed have been enough time to do that.

 

Thank you for the reply

Yeah maybe, I just feel like the problems that we had are being worked on, wouldn't I be crazy to not see if it could work again?

I've of course made it clear that I won't be talking to her any more while she is seeing someone and that she needs to get things in order.

 

her words basically were " i need to get myself in a good place and beg for you back and work for you" she even told me how she's changed so much now and has accepted her sexuality. She told me, she's so excited for me to see the changes etc...

i just don't know..