Just ran into my ex

[mrsin627]

So first off I'll justify that this belongs in the "getting back together" section, because right now that is my best case scenario...

 

so... here is my story:

After almost 9 months of dating, My girlfriend (who is a single mother) broke up with me citing the primary reason as “we don’t hang out and just laugh enough.” This is a girl who I’ve had serious talks with about a future and children, even less than one week prior to the break (I'm 29 and she's 30 and it was a serious relationship, so I don't really think that 9 months was too soon for the conversations). The next night we met up to exchange our stuff and talk. I told her that if everything she said was the truth it sounds like something to work on as a couple, not something to end a 9 month relationship over and that every relationship goes through a lull after the honeymoon phase (I didn’t really consider it ‘begging,’ but maybe in a dumper's eyes that's what it was). She mentioned that she doesn’t think it can change with time and that she doesn’t want to risk trying because there is a child involved. We both got pretty emotional and cried while talking about various memories and inside jokes (she started crying first)… and honestly for “not laughing enough” being the reason for the breakup, there was a lot of smiles and laughter in the actual breakup conversation. We seemed to hit every emotion (no anger or name calling, but there was some frustration).

 

After I started crying she asked me to come over and she wrapped her arms around me to comfort me and then we were kissing very passionately. She ended up asking me to stay over cuz she was worried about me driving home and we cuddled through the night... neither of us tried to have sex with the other, but some of my friends suggest that's what she was after... The next morning we woke up like any other morning when we were dating. I helped her pick an outfit for her interview and took care of her pet while she was getting ready. There was no mention of the night before, the breakup, or the relationship at all. We walked down to her car and she kissed me (even more passionately than the night before... like we had just started dating again) and I told her I didn’t want to say good bye and turned and walked away and we haven’t talked since (today is day 21). This was a weird breakup for me and I'm putting a lot of faith in the fact that she cried when I said "you told your sisters that we bicker a lot, but that I'm the person you want to bicker with." And even more faith in the fact that when I said "we want all of the same things, I'm not sure about three girls though, I'd love to stick a boy in there somewhere" and she got this bashful grin on her face like any other time I talked about kids with her... she also hasn't removed me from her "in a relationship" on Facebook... but I'm not trying to read into the kissing, cuddling or Facebook relationship status much.

 

I've never been able to go No Contact on a girl before, but I knew while we were going through the breakup conversation "She needs space and I know that the amount of love I have for this girl will give me the strength to give her that space." I have a pretty good idea what caused the breakup... we lost track of our individual lives (especially her since she was either with her daughter or with me, or both of us... so I had a few days a week to myself that could have easily been used for my own interests)... but the honeymoon phase came to an end and I wasn't the person she fell in love with anymore, but the person she fell in love with wasn't just me putting up a fake front in the beginning... over the course of the relationship I got lazy and comfortable as many people do. So frustrations built up on both ends, we bickered over stupid things (although I always thought it was light hearted bickering), walls got put up, communication got timid/bad and the conversation just wasn't fun/goofy anymore... it really was a snowball effect and I'm hopeful that No Contact will melt that frustration she was feeling at the end of the relationship. A little more information, maybe relevant or not: I was the first guy that she ever introduced to her daughter and I'm the only guy that ever showed interest in meeting her daughter.

 

I've been working on myself... putting myself back into all the hobbies that I did when we first met and getting myself back and reading books on relationships and communication so that I can fix the other issues... the issues that don't really change me, but should be worked on in EVERYBODY and if it doesn't bring me her it will make that part of my relationship with the next girl that much better... at this point I still plan to break No Contact, but not until I know I'm ready... She showed up on Match.com last night (she gets really lonely, especially when her daughter is gone... so I'm not super surprised to see her prowling online dating sites). It ripped through me thought, and it made me realize 1.) I'm not ready to try going on dates with other girls and 2.) I'm not yet ready to break no contact.

 

Anyway... as the title implies, I just ran into her. I went to an open mic night and she was there with her best friend. They saw me, I just said "hey" and sat down behind them... didn't look at them the rest of the night. Now... I believe in honesty so I'll admit I wasn't totally surprised she was there, but I thought the chances of her being there were pretty slim... I was NOT trying to find ways to bump into her. I was the one that told her about this place and so I would have thought SHE would be the one to stay away, not me. Anyway, they saw me and said "hey"... I just said hey back and sat down behind them... no other words exchanged, didn't even acknowledge them the rest of the night.

 

Internally this was a HUGE set back emotionally... externally I'm trying to stay positive. 1.) I didn't display that it was a set back for me 2.) I stood my ground and didn't leave (hopefully shows confidence and assertiveness... maybe?). 3.) I showed NO signs of desperation, we were simply in the same space at the same time. It's true she was cold, but I exchanged the exact same number of words as she gave me (one).

 

Bottom line... this was a terrible experience, but I'm a pretty positive person and I refuse to let this get the best of me.

[feelfreefloat]

As someone who has to see their ex daily, I can totally relate to you. And good for you for just being cordial and not indulging in any conversations! That seriously takes a lot of strength and I totally admire you for it.

 

I don't know how recent the break up is, but you handled it well. I know you are in a lot of pain because I'm there right now. Just accept the setback and move forward from there

[PICCOLLO]

Just saw my ex the other day. Its been three months and I was fine. I suprised myself with how little I felt. Give it time and remember that setbacks arent necessarily failures. Stay in NC and continue putting yourself first.

[mrsin627]

As someone who has to see their ex daily, I can totally relate to you. And good for you for just being cordial and not indulging in any conversations! That seriously takes a lot of strength and I totally admire you for it.

 

I don't know how recent the break up is, but you handled it well. I know you are in a lot of pain because I'm there right now. Just accept the setback and move forward from there

 

The breakup was three weeks ago and it was very amiable (at least I thought so). I have a gut wrenching feeling that there was something else she didn't tell me though... and that would be the case with most breakups so it would be fine, but I feel like the "something else" is a misunderstanding that triggered an insecurity and she should have talked about so it could be cleared up and forgotten.

 

I can obviously work on all the reasons that she gave me (and I honestly am doing it for myself and not to get her back because they are things everybody needs to be good at)... However... If she thinks I cheated on her and I didn't, how can I air that out if she doesn't bring it up?

 

A relationship where somebody gets caught cheating has a better chance of recovering than a relationship where somebody thinks you cheated but won't talk about it...

 

And I do actually have reasons why I have that feeling... it's not entirely just my imagination running rampant.

[feelfreefloat]

Why does she think you cheated?

[mrsin627]

well I can't be 100% certain of that but...

 

1.) There was always an insecurity about the fact that I had girls from dating sites in my phone contacts and facebook friends. She would say things like "it seems like you're keeping them as a backup." And it was totally just out of laziness... after the breakup I deleted all of them, which she'll probably never know I did haha, but I've been gaining perspective after the breakup and that could be an issue with the next girl too and I don't want innocent things causing problems.

 

2.) I delete all of my text conversations out of my phone except for hers (really I deleted hers too, but I waited til it got really long)... because when those conversations get long they take a lot of storage space. So she's said things like "I've had bad experiences with people deleting conversations from their phone." (the bad experience could have been herself, more on that later).

 

3.) It would bug her that I would close my phone and put it down whenever she walked into the room... which I did cuz I felt that she deserved my undivided attention.

 

4.) This is a HUGE one... we met on match... and I cancelled my subscription and deleted my match profile within a month of us starting to date... but match profiles don't actually get deleted until 1 year of no activity. So about a month ago I received an email that said "somebody sent you a message on match" and I freaked out... I didn't have a subscription so I couldn't even see or respond to the message, but I logged in and removed all the content from my profile and deactivated it again. I don't really know how long it was up and visible, but she could have logged in and saw it... her friends could have seen it and told her... anything like that (and I realize if she logged in that's a problem on its own).

 

5.) Also kind of a big one... and I feel bad for even sharing this... her marriage ended because she cheated on her husband. She started talking to a guy, he made her feel good about herself, she realized the marriage was over and she cheated which made her certain she didn't want to be in the marriage anymore... THEN she told him she wanted a divorce. So she wasn't the one cheated on, but she knows how she acted when that was going on in her life and if I displayed the same behaviors it's going to cause an insecurity.

 

All of these situations are akin to the totally innocent guy being convicted of murder and doesn't even know where to begin in explaining his innocence so all he can come up with is "I see why you think that, but it wasn't me. I don't know what else to say."

[Jagg]

well I can't be 100% certain of that but...

 

1.) There was always an insecurity about the fact that I had girls from dating sites in my phone contacts and facebook friends. She would say things like "it seems like you're keeping them as a backup." And it was totally just out of laziness... after the breakup I deleted all of them, which she'll probably never know I did haha, but I've been gaining perspective after the breakup and that could be an issue with the next girl too and I don't want innocent things causing problems.

 

2.) I delete all of my text conversations out of my phone except for hers (really I deleted hers too, but I waited til it got really long)... because when those conversations get long they take a lot of storage space. So she's said things like "I've had bad experiences with people deleting conversations from their phone." (the bad experience could have been herself, more on that later).

 

3.) It would bug her that I would close my phone and put it down whenever she walked into the room... which I did cuz I felt that she deserved my undivided attention.

 

4.) This is a HUGE one... we met on match... and I cancelled my subscription and deleted my match profile within a month of us starting to date... but match profiles don't actually get deleted until 1 year of no activity. So about a month ago I received an email that said "somebody sent you a message on match" and I freaked out... I didn't have a subscription so I couldn't even see or respond to the message, but I logged in and removed all the content from my profile and deactivated it again. I don't really know how long it was up and visible, but she could have logged in and saw it... her friends could have seen it and told her... anything like that (and I realize if she logged in that's a problem on its own).

 

5.) Also kind of a big one... and I feel bad for even sharing this... her marriage ended because she cheated on her husband. She started talking to a guy, he made her feel good about herself, she realized the marriage was over and she cheated which made her certain she didn't want to be in the marriage anymore... THEN she told him she wanted a divorce. So she wasn't the one cheated on, but she knows how she acted when that was going on in her life and if I displayed the same behaviors it's going to cause an insecurity.

 

All of these situations are akin to the totally innocent guy being convicted of murder and doesn't even know where to begin in explaining his innocence so all he can come up with is "I see why you think that, but it wasn't me. I don't know what else to say."

 

Bro, I would never be with a cheater! So disrespectful!! If you don´t want to be with someone anymore, grow a pair and tell them! A lot better than cheating then decide, weak! Let her go man, assume it´s over and if She ever comes back AND you still want to take her back, do it, but oh man, a cheater is no good, no no!

[mrsin627]

Bro, I would never be with a cheater! So disrespectful!! If you don´t want to be with someone anymore, grow a pair and tell them! A lot better than cheating then decide, weak! Let her go man, assume it´s over and if She ever comes back AND you still want to take her back, do it, but oh man, a cheater is no good, no no!

 

Yeah, you're right it is disrespectful. It was a long time before she admitted that to me... and she didn't exactly come out and say it, she said it in a way that made me think "oh she realized she wanted to cheat and that's how she knew the marriage was done and she ended it."... it was a good amount of time after that that she came out and said "no, I CHEATED on him." She said she didn't want to tell him that she cheated because she didn't want him to think she was leaving him for somebody else, because she wasn't, but rather that she realized she married somebody she didn't actually love.

 

There are probably some other issues there leading towards fear of commitment... It seems that she has somewhat lengthy relationships with people and then ends them abruptly realizing they aren't going anywhere. Maybe she never wants to get married again, she talks a lot about people who get married and are miserable and hate each other, but won't divorce because they feel morally obligated to stay together (including her own parents, which I guess her dad gave her some serious grief over the divorce). This is actually interesting to think about, cuz she sorta shies away from marriage talk, but talks openly about wanting more kids.

 

Anyway... I can speculate on those potential emotional issues all day, but I would just be speculating and it's not fair. Both of us definitely have things that should be worked on and I hope she's getting some soul searching done as well.

[Jagg]

Anyway... I can speculate on those potential emotional issues all day, but I would just be speculating and it's not fair. Both of us definitely have things that should be worked on and I hope she's getting some soul searching done as well.

 

Ditto!

 

Adopt a no drama zone attitue and work on yourself! Life is too short to spend it with someone that is not loyal, if He did that to her husband, you can expect her to do it to anyone. A cheater is a cheater and it doesn´t matter the reason, if it was alcohol or something, well, you should`ve be aware that you were vulnerable and you shouldn`t drink so that`s not an excuse. Biiiig red flag bro, also, if She is not ready to commit and marry, don´t waste your time, I mean, I know you like her and love her, but I promise you, there is ALWAYS someone better out there, that´s a fact.

 

Lift some weights, read some new books, run a marathon, listen to different music styles, travel, be kind to people and listen to them, go dating!! Whatever gives you fresh air and makes you a better person! If She ever comes back, you will be better, and if She doesn´t, you will be in a better place to completely move on, but don´t put your life on hold for her!

[mrsin627]

Lift some weights, read some new books, run a marathon, listen to different music styles, travel, be kind to people and listen to them, go dating!! Whatever gives you fresh air and makes you a better person! If She ever comes back, you will be better, and if She doesn´t, you will be in a better place to completely move on, but don´t put your life on hold for her!

 

Exactly what I'm doing. I don't have my life on hold for her AT ALL and I know quite well what I'm worth.

[feelfreefloat]

you feelings any better today?

[mrsin627]

you feelings any better today?

 

Hey thanks for the check in. I am actually feeling really good today. Early last week I planned out my weekend in a pretty fortunate manner... I had a pizza party planned with my friends on Saturday, then had a baseball night with some friends on Saturday night. Then family day on Sunday... And ended up getting a puppy (only mildly impulsive, I've been shopping for a dog for years actually).

 

I'm back to normal at work, aside from the fact that I didn't sleep all weekend (for the fun reasons listed above, not depression).

 

I think the worst moment was Saturday morning I went to sleep after a night of drinking and when I woke up all my friends had already gotten up and left and I was left alone to an empty house (which is a fairly large house to wake up in alone)... But I bounced back. Doesn't seem that Thursday had as much of a negative impact as I initially thought.

 

Still totally in love though, just not in pain.

 

How are you? What position are you in that your stuck seeing your ex regularly? Class, work, kids?

[feelfreefloat]

Hey thanks for the check in. I am actually feeling really good today. Early last week I planned out my weekend in a pretty fortunate manner... I had a pizza party planned with my friends on Saturday, then had a baseball night with some friends on Saturday night. Then family day on Sunday... And ended up getting a puppy (only mildly impulsive, I've been shopping for a dog for years actually).

 

I'm back to normal at work, aside from the fact that I didn't sleep all weekend (for the fun reasons listed above, not depression).

 

I think the worst moment was Saturday morning I went to sleep after a night of drinking and when I woke up all my friends had already gotten up and left and I was left alone to an empty house (which is a fairly large house to wake up in alone)... But I bounced back. Doesn't seem that Thursday had as much of a negative impact as I initially thought.

 

Still totally in love though, just not in pain.

 

How are you? What position are you in that your stuck seeing your ex regularly? Class, work, kids?

 

I'm glad to hear you had an eventful weekend! It definitely helps take the mind off of what's going on. I did the same thing when my ex and I broke up the first time in May- I went and got a pet! Something is very therapeutic about just having a living being in your place. It helped me a lot.

 

Waking up is the hardest me actually so I totally relate to that. But it's great that you feel good about things and were able to bounce back. Getting into the routine of finding ways of picking yourself up is really difficult.

 

I'm pretty sad today. We are both in college together and will be going to the same grad program together next year. He's going to this summer program in a few months and I just keep thinking about all the ...fun.... He's going to have there. It's an amazing program (for us musicians) but it has a reputation of being a pretty sleazy place in terms of partying and socializing. I just miss him a lot.

[mrsin627]

I'm really sorry to hear that and it sucks that you have to have a constant reminder.

 

I miss my ex's daughter (4 years old) and all the silly little games she would make me play with her because I was the only one willing to play them. If I ran into both of them that would have a serious impact on me. I suspect that isn't likely though... I hope.