Is this relationship hopeless for change should I just continue no contact

[92151794]

Sorry this is a repost, I posted before in a wrong category and didn't know how to change it.

 

I was essentially just his crutch. In the future is it possible that will change

 

Okay heres the scenario about a year ago my ex and I got together he was going through a lot and I was there to support him He had ended a relationship with the mother of his two kids. And shortly after we got together. I know now it was too soon. He had a history of going from relationship to relationship but always had long relationships as a result.So I thought it might be ok. I hadn't dated much before him. And was inexperienced. And he had been my ex bf from h.s and I always wondered what if when I thought of him as what would happen if we date again. 5 years later it happened. He was going through a lot of depression and other feelings because of losing his kids and that relationship as he built a family and never had one growing up as a foster kid and now that was gone too. So I put aside my university work which suffered as a result, my desire for a fresh start where we would do new relationship things together and build getting to know each other. likes interests and me telling himself about me and my life. I put it aside to be there for him as a support when he was sad and had self esteem issues. And at the same time fell madly in love with him. I fell for his gentleness, his kindness towards others as his friends and family. And the way he held/looked at me. I felt he truly loved me too and would say so. He told me he felt love before but felt more for me.

 

 

Eventually I felt I was being taken for granted only expected to be there at his beck and call. Even in the middle of the night for emotional support. I wouldn't get much in return. He made no effort to get to know me. He wouldn't take the relationship seriously. I ended up ending it because I felt taken for granted. He ended up trying to work things out with his ex after the mother of his kids. We kept in contact he was adamant about staying friends. We talked a lot in that time eventually things didn't work with her and as soon as that went downhill. He asked for a second chance and left her then started dating me shortly after. Things were better at first we shared common interests played video games together and worked better on our friendship. It felt like it was going somewhere this time. He barely talked of the ex and cut contact with her. We decided to move in together shortly after It went well the first month he would cook for us every day and we would spend quality time together. It was nice we also found out we were expecting I felt content like everything was falling together. We were connecting doing more together. Then slowly it all fell apart. He would be selfish at times like when we were supposed to hand out resumes together for him he kept me waiting in the cold outside 30 mins while he chose to go to a friend first to get money. And when it was cold out one day I asked to be walked to the bus stop when it was dark and was told no i don't want to freeze out there.

 

This hurt since I always was there for him and when I needed him there he wasn't even when I was having morning sickness one day I was told i can sit on a chair to do the dishes. He didn't take care of me and when the morning sickness kicked in he stopped cooking for us. Pregnancy was new to me I needed support as I gave him in the past I thought he would be there for me in return to no avail. He ended up not really caring about the baby saying oh I know this I know that. Ive seen that before. I know it wasn't new to him but It made me feel like it wasn't important to him. He ended up putting his family/friends first Instead of getting a job to support the child he worked for his mom at night for free. And would come home and stay up all night and sleep all day. I felt like I didn't even have anyone living with me. I felt alone. We ended up not talking as much. I didn't feel important. I wanted him to put us first above all. But that was something you can't force its something someone has to realize I had to second guess if he would be there for me. But he always knew without hesitation that I would always be there for him. Whenever however.

 

Because I loved him so much I still do but I could feel he didn't 100 percent invest in me/love me I felt like I was essentially the backup plan and it didn't help his ex would would taunt me and tell me that. and how he was only with me because it didn't work with her. He didn't exactly deny it. Would say don't think of it that way. Whenever we would have an argument he would walk out usually and then when he would come back bring friends over when the time was crutial to talk. and solve our problems. He didn't feel that way. With my family I only had my mom and he would be lazy all day not doing much. So she would pitch in to help out and was around a bit. Doing dishes and stuff because I was too sick with the morning sickness to do much. He started lashing out at her being paranoid we were talking bad about him and basically disrespected my family. My family didn't approve of him. my bro said he was just living off us It hurt because my family was doing so much for him and I and were never appreciated and instead disrespected by him. He started getting scary having angry outbursts slamming doors and smashing objects in frustration when things didn't go his was. In addition to this He was emotionally abusive saying this to me in the middle of the night like girlfriends come and go but you always keep your spare, and he called me his spare. I was shocked Finally after another attempt at solving things he just walked out I had enough and up and left he was pissed.

 

We talked to try to reconcile and he made it all about him. Then started threatening me harshly saying he was gonna put me in jail. because I took the dog due to his mistreatment of it. he didn't feed it and barely walked it. Causing poop to be all over the apartment. I went NC after that. He only took care of himself really. He didn't ask about the baby post breakup till recently when I had lost it. I was too distraught to tell him myself so had my mom to tell him He showed little sympathy and said once I feel better I am to talk to him about it. And also give him his closure. Now that our baby is gone I don't know if there is any point in trying to patch things up. I was willing to try beforehand. I don't know If he can ever move past his high maintenance of me using as an emotional support. And im not sure if he would ever be there for me truly or love me as much as I love him I really love him but feel like im trying to save things alone. I don't know if theres hope. I wish he would have put us first in the past and am uncertain of that ever changing

[ParisPaulette]

Talk to him about what exactly? I'm sorry, I think his only interest is not in the baby, but in making you continue to feel bad and to keep control over you to pump his own ego up.

 

I'm going to recommend you block, delete, never look back. There is no reason I can see from your writings that show he even owes "closure" since he brought the whole thing on himself.

 

And yes, you are indeed trying to save things alone. It takes two to make a relationship, you knew he had red flags going in, and you hoped those red flags would disappear. They didn't. I'd say they've just multiplied.

 

I'm sorry you lost your baby, but I see absolutely nothing gained by staying with this guy but more misery. And for the way he treated the dog? Yeah, he's the one who belongs in jail. Right there is a very good indication of what sort of father he'd have been. People who can't care for animals and sick partners are generally not going to be good parents either.

 

My advice is you stay NC, disappear where he can't find you, and never look back. Heal and learn from the experience. Love is not enough when you love someone toxic and this guy clearly is all that.