How do I learn to trust again?

[lovelygirl2010]

I am a 43-year old woman, I consider myself a happy, smart and easygoing person. I happen to be in a relationship now with this wonderful man and we just came from a fantastic holiday, and I have never been this happy before.

 

The problem is the more we get intimate the more old fears arise...I had two very problematic relationships in the past, which somehow shaped this fear in my mind. These two traumatic relationships ended up really badly (one of them, included physical abuse, and I had to call the police), and both of them cheated on me.

 

So now, this guy who is treating me so well, I find myself being incredibly suspicious sometimes of him, with no reason whatsoever. I even ordered a background report on him, because I couldn't stop this suspicious feelings.

 

Please, Help!!

[DoF]

If you allow your past toxic or negative relationship effect YOU or the future of your current relationship......than the scumbags that did this to you are winning.

 

Read: it would be the worst thing you can possibly do!

 

Ignore your fears, it's the devil talking...

[bulletproof]

How long have you been dating this new guy? And how long did you wait between your last situation to get together with the new guy?

I'm curious because it might help if you took things extremely slow. If you're getting background checks on someone, that makes me think you don't know him too well or you haven't met too many people that do, etc.

Are you able to go to a therapist? I think fears should be addressed, no matter what they are.

[ParisPaulette]

Really, this comes down to you trusting yourself, not anyone else but yourself.

 

And I say that as someone who has been in your shoes before. You will forever fear things can be taken away, that good can go bad, until the day you can look yourself in the mirror and decide, "You know what? I cannot control others actions, only my own. And I am strong enough and my life is good enough that if someone else wants to F that up it's on them, not me. I'll be gone."

 

And you let the other person know that, not by being confrontational or nasty, but a simple "These are my boundaries and the terms of being with me if you want to stay." And you both understand those are the boundaries and if they violate them your only action is a simple, "I told you what would happen, you need to go and never come back."

 

Then you grieve and heal and move on, secure that the person you need to be by your side and have your back most is still with you--you.

 

Because in the end I'm sorry, that's who you need to trust the most. And funny how when people know that you aren't dependent on them for all your happiness, and that you have strong boundaries in place, they will either quickly exit your life or usually work hard not to mess things up. It's how my husband and I are together, but prior to him no. I had the same fears and I kept getting messed about, because I"m sure the guys all knew I was desperate to let someone else be the reason for my happiness. And they kind of preyed on that and I let them, because I just didn't have enough confidence in my own ability to be happy on my own to move forward regardless.

 

Counseling helps, so does having your own life outside of a relationship. Make your own happiness, enjoy someone else sharing it with you, but trust and maintain the position that no matter what your boundaries are yours and yours alone, and your life and happiness are yours alone. He just gets to go along for the ride and you trust yourself not to stay if things should turn bad.

 

You wouldn't think it, but trusting yourself most of all is the very best thing for you. After that you learn to trust others completely and judge them only on their own actions towards you, and throughout time, rather than fears of what someone else in the past did.