Plush cats and jealousy

[Shadow30]

Hello everyone,

 

Sorry for this long post. Congradulations in advance to whoever read this all...

 

So I basically met this great guy a few months ago. Intelligent, sweet, caring, not afraid of commitment, etc ,etc. We have similar tempers and tastes (both nerdy introverts) and we have a great time together. We’ve been officially a couple for 3 months and have been dating for 2 months before that, we have met family and friends and blah blah blah. To me everything looks great right now, he seems a way better fit than my past relationship. He makes me want to be a better person. I think it is the first person I can honestly say that I fancy to grow old with. I may even consider marriage and children, things I’ve never thought about before, that’s to say how much I care for him and this relationship.

 

However there is this one issue that’s been nagging me for a while. My jealousy. I have never been jealous before in previous relationships, but my new boyfriend seems to have a lot of female friends and acquaintances. I do ask questions from time to time when I feel insecure about the nature of certain relationships, but his answers are always satisfying. I trust him because nothing in his verbal or non verbal response hinted to me that I shouldn’t. I did meet some of these female pals, and nothing felt odd, so my jealous dark is asleep...most of the time...

 

Anyway...here’s my main concern: all of his female buddies seem platonic relations, but one. He did mention when we were dating that he had feelings in the past for one of his friend’s girlfriend, but would never pursue a taken woman. I never asked her name, but I found it quickly enough. First time I met his main group of friends she was there I am sure, the girlfriend of one of his childhood buddy. That first meeting went horribly. He would tease this girl, she would give him some of her food (but not to her own boyfriend), and they would squabble in this friendly, yet possibly flirty way. Quickly enough I felt left out and I truly wanted to disappear (in a closet somewhere far to cry). One of his guy friend even looked at me and said that my bf considered this girl buddy as his sister, but I do have brothers, and my bf has sisters, and that explanation did not feel right.

 

I suppose it should have been a red flag and I should have talked to him about it, but I decided that it was too soon to judge, that it was maybe by own insecurities that were making it seem way worse than it is. I do have low self esteem and I am aware that it can distort my perception of reality. So I let it pass. However, he either noticed that I was mad somehow, or one of his friends told him. We’ve seen this group of friends two times since then, and my bf had changed his behavior a lot. Never stayed far from me, stayed well away from her for most parts (only a few conversations and jokes, nothing suspicious) and playful teasing only with me.

 

One of his old friend told me he is very a very cautious, and loyal person, and that he has all the material to be a great long term boyfriend. And I believe him. But I can’t help but feel something is not right. In the past, because my bf's friends say that he and this girl are so similar, my bf jokingly disguised himself as her for Halloween, he purchased a wig and a plush cat for that. The cat still sits in his bookcase and the wig in his wardrobe (very visible, I do not search through his things). Each times he opens his wardrobe this damn wig is there, silently taunting me. It is hard for me not to comment about it. But I do not want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend.

 

I know my borfriend is devoted, and I know he approves strongly of one of my mantra: you may not control what you feel, but you control your actions. But, as my mantra said, I cannot control these feelings of insecurity and jealousy around this girl. To me he is the full package: intelligent, serious, handsome, but he is very shy with women and I am not sure what exactly drew him into me, except for the fact that I have been earnest and direct about my feelings from the start and did not try any of the silly chasing games that seems to be part of the natural process of dating (he liked that). We’ve developed a great intellectual connection and intimacy, but I know he is also close to this girl. They often converse on facebook. Yet he tries to minimise his friendship with her around me, and if I require his attention in any way he leaves facebook instantly and doesn’t seem to care about leaving this girl in the middle of a conversation.

 

I do not want to be in the way of what could simply be a great friendship. But many clues makes me think that his feelings about her are not so simple. One of my friends told me that I should give him a chance. Even if he had feelings for this girl, he still chose to get involved with me and she commented on the fact that she thinks that he seems to want me as part of his life in the long term. I do agree with her. But still, when I am around this girl buddy of his, my jealous dark side blow me words of how inadequate I am and wonder what would actually happen if this girl would break up with her boyfriend? Sometimes I feel like a consolation prize, or worse, stopgap. But then again, I suppose all of this is irrationnal.

 

I wonder if I should talk to my boyfriend about it, and actually request for the plush cat and the wig to be put away from my sight, but I am afraid that if I do, I will only make things worse by acknowledging this girl as a rival. I kept telling myself that I would talk to him if he ever displays inappropriate behaviour with her again, but it never happened again. In fact, it happened only once! But I feel like if I keep not saying anything, I might blow up eventually. I truly fear that this girl will lead us to our downfall somehow.

 

So here it is Internet. What should I do? Should I confront him about my feelings (and his) and seek answers and reassurance before this relation gets too serious? Or should I make efforts to trust him and give him a chance to prove me wrong? Am I the one at fault? Should I just keep it quiet and work on my self esteem as I've been trying to do until now? I want to know if it's okay for me to be worried, or if I am the one who is wrong not to trust him entirely, even though he is always so sweet and caring with me...

[ThatwasThen]

We’ve seen this group of friends two times since then, and my bf had changed his behavior a lot. Never stayed far from me, stayed well away from her for most parts (only a few conversations and jokes, nothing suspicious) and playful teasing only with me.

This is the respectful (to you) thing to have done. With that "tell" and the fact that he has done nothing to give you reason to think that he wants to be with her and not you, I truly believe that you should stop worrying, chillax and enjoy your union.

 

If you're going to ask him to dump the wig and the cat, then rather then come right out and ask, why not ask him why he keeps them. You wonder because there really is no sentimental value, is there?

Then see what he has to say and then use your logic instead of your (unfounded) fear to come to a conclusion.

 

Be happy.... it sounds like you are the choice of a good man that treats you well, respects and values YOU. Congrats!

[Shadow30]

Thank you. He is indeed very respectful and his change in behaviour is I suppose a good enough proof that I might be worrying for nothing.

 

I did have the impression the other day that he looked in the girl's direction during a public demonstration of affection to her bf, but then again, it might just be me. Maybe the only time that it has gone wrong was enough for my mind to be searching pointlessly for anything remotely suspicious.

 

However, it indeed disturbs me that he keeps the wig and the plush around even though it has been more than a year since that halloween. I suppose that asking about why he keeps them around could be a subtle way to talk about it. However, such an approach would probably encourage him to ask me why I even ask, which could lead to the dreaded conversation I am trying to avoid. It would reassure me if I knew there was absolutely no feeling remaining, but the other way around would certainly worsen my insecurities and have an awful chilling effect on the relation. And I do not want this to happen.

 

Anyway I am not used to feeling jealousy and I find it very frustrating. I am not sure if the cure to this is only in myself or in the facts I could find from a respectful conversation.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you need to relax until you actually see something of importance that would make you think that he has romantic feelings for her. So far, there are zero of those in your accounting of the situation and the fact that he has kept a Halloween costume past Halloween is zero indication of any of the things you fear.

 

I still have several costumes from Halloween and we led them out to others who are going to parties where they won't have been seen before. SHE didn't give him the plush and she didn't buy him the wig. If she had, then there would be a sentimental value to them so please stop your OCD thinking on this. It does you no good.

[Shadow30]

I know I am probably overly anxious about this, but it's not a reason to start calling me OCD either. These items are not the main issue, but they remind me of the odd nature of their relation. I keep halloween costumes as well, but I do not dress as the bf of one of my friend either. There might be history between them I do not understand because I was not there when this happened. But it is odd for a newcomer like me. And having to see these items almost everyday is kinda annoying.

[ThatwasThen]

Hon.. I didn't call you OCD. I said you were OCD "thinking on it." There is a huge difference.

 

If its THAT annoying that you have to start a thread about it then why not ask him to dump the items. All he can do is say "okay" or "no" and possibly ask you why you are annoyed and that would be a good reason to express the very fact that you just don't like the reminder.

 

Good luck. I'm out of ideas and they don't seem to be soothing your fears so I'll bow out now and hopefully others will have something to reassure you.