Boyfriend hooked up with a girl when we were broken up

[gilorose]

So here's some background on my story.... I've been with my now ex for 3.5 years. We met in college and were long distance for the first year. Then he moved to be with me and had trouble getting a job in his field when he graduated and ended up at a place an hour north of where I was working and living. He became depressed and miserable pretty fast by not being around his friends and family, having a job where he was stuck at for a few years, didn't like the location he was living at, and was still far away from me and the city. Every chance I got I was up at his place trying to do fun things, staying over, ditching my friends just to make sure he was happy etc. I don't regret it at all because that's what I wanted and I wanted him to be happy again more than anything.

 

This past summer he tried to go on a break with me because he said he needs to find himself again and figure out how to make himself happy again. I tried to fight it because I was so shocked that he thought leaving me would make himself happy after I've been there for him though thick and thin. He ended up going on a vacation with his friends to Vegas that week we separated and when he came back he came begging for me to be back in his life telling him he wanted to propose to me this year. Of course I accepted without hesitation.

 

Three months later the same situation happened. I was supposed to finally move in and we were going to get a new place and a dog etc. He started becoming very distant and telling me he needed space again because he wasn't happy with his life still and needed serious changes. Obviously I was devastated again and felt dumb that I took him back after the first instance. During that week I was so depressed and heartbroken. Literally a mess and when I finally got some courage I texted him a few weeks later to ask if I could come get my stuff from the apartment. He started texting me all of these nice texts saying he wanted to talk. I went there and he begged for me back again. Said he's been a horrible bf this year and hasn't appreciated everything I've done for him and dealing with him being depressed. After a long talk I decided to take him back because I love him and feel bad that hes in such a bad place in life.

 

We both asked if we did anything with others while broken up and both said no. I recently moved in for good and got a job up there and we were finally going to start the rest of our lives. A few weeks passed and started showing the same trends he did in the past when he broke up with me. I felt very insecure and was wondering if I was going to get hurt again. I didn't wanna nag him or ask him and for some reason felt the need to figure out of there was anything else going on.

 

The other day he left his phone home and i decided to look at his texts. I know it was wrong but I had this gut feeling something wasn't right. Come to find out he was having sex with this girl regularly when we were broken up, had a tinder, went on multiple other dates etc. I was devastated again at the fact I was lied to and felt so stupid. When he came home I confronted him and he freaked out asking why I felt the need to go through his phone. I told him my reasoning and apologized but that's all he was focusing on. He admitted to doing everything but said he hit a low point in his life where he just lashed out and didn't know what he was doing anymore. Even though we weren't technically together he did this the weekend we broke up. I just still feel betrayed and don't know why he would have the desire to do that if he actually loved me. I'm a forgiving person and he knows that so I told him I'd be willing to forgive and forget and we need to just focus on this relationship to get it back how it used to. He broke down and said he doesn't deserve me, he cant look me in the eye after all the stuff he's done to me, he's been a horrible person etc. He decided that it was best we break up for good cuz now the trust is broken since I know what he did over our breakup and thinks I will throw that in his face in future fights and not trust him. And he was extremely mad I went on his phone but I had my suspicions and they were true. He told me he lied about it cuz he really loves me and wanted to put it in the past and it was a mistake and wanted to move on with the relationship but now its just too tainted. I moved back to my parents house and am now commuting up where he lives for work. But hes so devastated and has been crying about this too cuz he cant believe he messed up this whole relationship and ruined what we had. But still hopes to get together in the late future cuz he can still see me as his wife one day.

 

I cant help but feeling dumb. How could this man that moved here to be with me and love me so much cause me this much pain? How could I have taken him back both twice and still get hurt again. In some ways I wish I never went through his phone and continued to live life not knowing what happened. But then I also feel like i deserve to know the truth and shouldn't be with someone who just jumps in bed with a new girl the next day. I just would like to hear someones opinion of what they would feel or do in my situation.

[mhowe]

I would feel betrayed and I would look for a new job so that you aren't commuting to where he lives. He is not boyfriend material.

 

He moved up to where you were because he never pit on his big boy pants after college and used you as a crutch. And then decided that "finding g himself" meant sleeping around.

[kevinm]

Your relationship didn't weather the transition between college and the outside world. This happens to a lot of people. I watched both of my older brothers go through this. My next oldest brother actually ended up marrying his college sweetheart. That lasted about six months before they were divorced. It's a time of huge transition, and the relationship kinda has to be redefined as both individuals find their way in the world.

 

This guy is definitely not quality. He's got a lot of growing up to do. The fact that he is holding secrets from you is weak. He should be able to hand over his phone at any given time and not worry about what you'll find. While yes, you can argue that it's a violation of privacy... this isn't a court of law, this is your relationship. He needs to be an active participant in the health of the relationship. Having a tinder account and wanting a hall pass to go to Vegas to have random sex is not participating in the health of the relationship. Quite the opposite. His actions are those of one who wants to dismantle a relationship.

 

I'm sorry you're heart is aching, but you've dodged a real bullet here. You're years ahead of him in terms of maturity. I'd start extracting myself now. Definitely find another job. This relationship is done. Try not to beat yourself up over this. I don't think you did anything wrong. Not even when you looked at his phone. Try not to allow this experience to cause you to become withdrawn or jaded. There are men out there who want just what you have to offer. It's just not going to be this guy. Sorry.

[lilygirl]

I agree with kevinm, you have dodged a bullet here and you are far ahead of him in terms of maturity. Even before he slept with someone else, he was sabotaging your relationship in saying he needs space once things go in the direction of you two moving forward. He is not longterm relationship material.

 

Give yourself some time, focus on you, and in time you will find a far better partner who has both feet in.

[gilorose]

Thank you guys its definitely nice to hear peoples opinions from an outside view besides my friends and family. I agree with you about the transition from college to real life. We've got through so much other stuff like me living in North Carolina training for my job for 3 months to him being in the police academy for a summer and we made it through both of that.

 

My thoughts just keep running through my mind of being sad to mad to thinking its my fault and maybe I pushed him away somehow in trying so hard to make him happy.

 

He just kept saying I never trusted him. When we first started dating he had a very immature mindset where he would get extremely jealous of me and get mad when I went out and always wanted to know what I was doing since we were long distance. I was never like that before him but started to take on those traits he was showing to me and become the jealous type too. After a year or so he stopped those behaviors and kind of matured but I still had them. He would call me psycho and how I have to learn to trust him etc. But I couldn't help but feel manipulated that he kind of molded me that way and when he changed he was not loving the way I was acting. I tried my hardest to become back to how I used to be but still had this mindset of "well if hes not getting jealous etc of me then something might be up" and my anxiety will kill me. I've done a lot of growing up since then and tend not to have those jealous traits but with how he broke it off with me those 2 times and was being distant made me have some sort of relationship anxiety and was always looking for some reassurance.

 

I just know he can get back on focus with his life and be happy again and its killing me to think when that time comes it wont be with me. Do you think if we both gave it some time maybe we'd get find our way back together?

[mhowe]

Its not worth thinking about. You're both transitioning into adulthood and your shared journey is over. Look to your future and address your insecurities so you don't bring them Intl the next relationship.

 

Jealousy is not a sign that someone cares about your actions. It is a sign of insecurity from the person exhibiting the behavior.

[alc16]

Leave him in the past, this will repeat itself like it has so far. He is a child not ready to grow up.. Finding yourself does not involve sleeping around and joining hook up apps.

 

It the beginning it absolutely kills you to think your ex is happy with someone else, or moving on, but it really does get better. Like others have said, college to real life transition is hard and not many couples make it through. Leave him behind, break contact and block him so he can't lure you back in like he has this far. He is immature and not showing any signs of growing up. Let him be and don't jeopardize any chances at happiness by wondering about him and getting back together - it will be the same thing over again.

[gilorose]

Do you think that if we give each other time to forgive and forget that some day we could start fresh? It's just such a shame that so much has had to happen from the transition from college to real life that we let it destroy us when we always thought nothing would break us up. Idk I guess im just thinking too much and over analyzing things but it makes me feel better talking to people on this forum and hearing their advice.

[mhowe]

Do you really think you are going to forget this --- let alone forgive it?

 

It isn't that he hooked up while "broken up".

Come to find out he was having sex with this girl regularly when we were broken up, had a tinder, went on multiple other dates etc. I was devastated again at the fact I was lied to and felt so stupid.

 

So much does happen in the transition to adulthood --- and THIS is how he handled it. Thinking that nothing would break "us" apart is noble --- but bold faced lying and deception are allowable exceptions.

[gilorose]

Yeah youre right. I just dont get why he would say he still loves me though and this needs to end if we wanna come back to each other in the future. But then he goes out and does all the stuff like hes happy being single. It gives me such mixed singles like I should be waiting and hoping one day we'll be together but i know i wont heal in that mindset. I just have to realize i shouldnt want to be with a man that makes me feel like this in the first place but its just so hard when someone was so close to you.

[mhowe]

When you heal, and take this lesson with you, you will find a man that treats you with respect and trust. Your ex will never be that man.