Faking Orgasms

[MEdwords]

I have been involved in a wonderful relationship with a great guy for over 5 years. I have never had an orgasm and to save face I have been faking them since the start. Now that we are talking about marriage I am torn as to whether I should tell him or not. I need some advice on what I should do.

[ang3l2004]

Well not telling him for that long may hurt him a little because he always thought all along he was pleasing you,Now if you tell him atleast you would be being honest instead of keeping it in,I think you need to do what you feel is the right thing,Coming to ask for advice about it is the first step I think you want to tell him U just dont know how right?

[cleverme123]

I think I would just let well enough alone because it may give him a real kick in his ego to know you have been faking it all this time.

 

Have you tried other stuff to get off? Make suggestions to him and maybe you won't have to fake it any more.

[tanned_production]

I think that telling him now would really hurt him...

All along he thought you were being satisfied, and you really werent...

Maybe try new things to try and get off, so you will actually be satisfied...

But as another poster has said, leave it alone...

Hope everything works out...

 

[Iceman26]

Have you ever had an orgasm?

[Beec]

How to tell him is the question, right? And dropping the bomb all at once is just not going to work, or at least it is dangerous.

 

I guess the first question to you would be why not? Why don't you orgasm? I know some women who never have during intercourse, but can during oral, masturbation, etc. How can you fix it? Then how to make him want to fix it.

 

I would first stop faking it. Myabe not do it so often, then stop entirely, then he should be getting a message and want to try to help fix it. If he does not, then you talk to him.

 

This si why I don't ever get women faking it. It makes no sense, unless you jsut want it over for the night. But to do it every ngiht, that's jsut lying. You can enjoy it without orgasm and tell us, you can tell us it only works when ____, or whatever. Don't lie all the time.

[CarterJonas]

I wouldn't tell him because I'm sure it would destroy his confidence and possibly sex drive. If you haven't experienced this problem with previous boyfriends what I would do is encourage him to do things that you like. This you get what you want without destroying his confidence

[sexygrl19]

I have the same exact problem!My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and I have never had an orgasm during sexual intercourse.But yet I can come when he is giving me oral.And I can also cum during masturbation.I've tried to masturbate during sexual intercourse but that doesn't work either.He is the first person I've ever been with,so I don't know if that's the problem or not.But I've also faked it since day 1.And I am never going to tell him.It would just crush him too much.I'm not saying that's what you should do but that's something that I'm never going to confess to him.I still enjoy having sex with him even though I never orgasm.I guess I've just learned to look past it.And just to let you know,I have heard of some women who never had an orgasm until they were in their thirty's!I hope your situation works out though.Let us know what happens.Good luck!

[11flower]

Well, if I were you, I'd not tell him right off. I agree with several here who say that it might really hurt him. He may feel betrayed to a small degree.

 

You probably faked this because you thought it would please him. Maybe it's kind of a performance orientation thing where you just don't own up till you've "performed" and had an orgasm.

 

How about this: Say something like, "Hey, let's try something new." Tell him what you want till you get it to where you have one. I have a book that says that women who don't have orgasms can do things like take a bath, light a candle, and find out what feels good to them. I don't masturbate because I don't prefer it, and don't need to, being married and husband available most of the time, visa versa. But this might be a good way for you to find out what works for you if you don't exactly know this.

 

Now, when you find what feels good to you and you orgasm, tell him what you want. When you start really having orgasms, he may wonder at the difference, but at least it will be real.

 

[/i]Then tell him after the fact. You could tell him that up until a certain time, it wasn't happening, and you're sorry, but you just felt obligated to fake it. (I agree with Beec--find out why you are not having them). And tell him he's the best lover in the world and how pleased you are with him and how great he's done for you, etc. Let him know! Maybe that will lessen the pain of your having presented something other than what happened.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to get to where you are living what actually is happening and don't feel bad for feeling pressured to not do so.

You can make changes any time and it's never too late. I bet your man will understand because he loves you and wants to understand and forgive you.

 

11flower

[11flower]

Sorry for the continuous "calligraphy" in the last 2 paragraphs. They look distracting to me. I thought I'd clicked them off!

 

11Flower

[11flower]

Oh, and by the way, it's unrealistic to expect that women will orgasm every time. It's nothing to worry about or feel less for. Maybe just enjoy being close to one another and do something different and be creative.

 

11F.

[MEdwords]

I can give myself orgasms but have never had one with another person. I worry constantly about taking too long and if he is getting tired. My b/f enjoys receiving oral sex but will not give so that's not a possibility for me.

[HeavenLee]

Why won't he return the favour? That sounds rather selfish to me... I'd stop giving it to him first of all.

 

Hmmm, I don't know if it's such a good idea to tell him that you've been faking. Guys can be fragile with their egos and sexual prowess, and the consequences can be quite unexpected. Maybe you could tell him that you don't ALWAYS orgasm if you really have to get it off your chest, and try to work on ways to up the odds for you. But to tell him you've never orgasmed.... OUCH, what a kick in the gut for him... although he deserves it for accepting oral but not giving it!!! If you don't really have to tell him, then as the other posters have said, maybe ask for different things or try different things that will help you to achieve orgasm. And most importantly, learn to RELAX!!! It's never going to happen when you are concentrating on it too much or worrying about if it will take too long etc etc etc...

 

Good luck!!!

[jaiva]

It would probably hurt him since you lead him to believe he was pleasing you but would you want to marry someone who couldn't please you? The best thing to do would be to sit down and talk about what pleases you. You all should experiment, while having sex tell him what pleases you and what you don't particularly care for. Hope I helped.

Jaiva

[fallslikerain]

I think 5 years is a terribly wrong time to be lieing to a person, if I was him I would break up with you in a heartbeat. If you haven't orgasmed in this long I would consider it your fault, unless he isn't trying to please you at all, but in 5 years it does'nt sound like your trying hard to find out what you like and how to achieve it together.

[AlleyCat]

If you're satisfied with your sex life, then you don't have to tell him. After all, he would probably be crushed.

 

However, I almost always believe that honesty is the best policy. In this case, I don't think you'll ever learn what works for you if you don't come clean - at least that was the case for me. I didn't have an orgasm for a couple of years with my current b/f. Finally, I decided that that wasn't helping the situation and I just stopped faking. In your case, it might be better to do it gradually, but I stopped altogether. Finally, once we figured out what worked for me, I came clean. By then, it had been months and months since I had faked, so it really wasn't as big a deal as it could have been. Yes, he was upset, but he got over it. I know he was frustrated when I stopped faking (because he didn't know that I had been), but I'm reeeeeeally glad I stopped. Sex is oh so much better now that we've learned what actually works.

[Jecto]

I, speaking from a guy's perspective, think you should tell him, I mean sure, it wouldn't feel good to know that my gf had been faking it for so long, but it would have let me know that I have to do something different. At least he'll know that he needs to do something different, and maybe he'll even take it as a challenge I know I would.

As for the him not giving you oral thing, I believe that is straight-up selfish, and you should really talk about that, especially if you choose to tell him about having not had an orgasm, because oral sometimes is the only way for some women to have an orgasm from another person.

[Daddyslilgrlx0]

I wouldnt tell him the truth... I think you need to find ways to help you have a real orgasm, find ways you can have a orgasm and then say hunny i wanna try some new stuff in bed? Thats might work... and it wont seem bad at all because youll be trying new stuff that might make you orgasm and you wont have to fake them anymore or feel guilty you have been faking them.

[MEdwords]

Several months ago I wrote for advice regarding an orgasm issue. At that time I was involved in a 5 yr relationship with a wonderful man with whom I had been faking orgasms. I have never had an orgasm and don't have the slightest idea about how to have one or what they feel like. At that time we had been talking about marriage and I felt conflicted as to whether I should tell him or not. I did tell him and he left me. And I feel particularly bad because I always had his feelings in mind with everything I did.

[whatfor]

dont blame yourself, i think you did the right thing by telling him the truth. you were going to get married, and partners need to be honest, especially when it was just a start of your marriage. Also it seemed weird that you couldnt be honest with each other... making love is about 2 persons who are in love, and it seems like you couldnt even be open enough to talk about making love, how you want it, that you would like to receive from him too.. and he sounds like a selfish man not to want to please you with oral? Or think you actually need that too??? Well i hope you are not hurting, but that relationship didnt sound right (that part of it).

As about orgasms... have you tried achieving one yourself?

And just a note.. when you are with someone you love, making love, you need to forget about getting that orgasm, you need to just relax and enjoy everything you do together, and once again, a loving partner would want to please you first. Never fake it again, cause how would he know something is wrong or that he isnt doing it right if you fake it? By faking it you show that everything is perfectly fine, which is wrong.

Hope you can find the right partner who will please you.