Relationship crisis - need advice

[trez]

Hi All,

 

I decided to post because I need your advice. I've been in a relationship with a girl I truly love for over three years. We've had some problems, at the beginning it was on and off because of me - I found it difficult to fully commit, I had a son with another woman and was feeling as if I was doing something wrong, couldn't really come to terms with the new situation. As the time passed it was becoming easier, I moved in to her apartment and we've had some really great time together. However, it started getting worse couple of months ago, something I apparently overlooked until it became clear recently. I know it was my fault, I think I took her for granted and didn't pay enough attention to our relationship. Was spending a lot of time with my son, whom she doesn't know. At the beginning she wanted to meet him but I wasn't really ready. Then, when I was committed enough to make this step (introduce her to my son) she said she was afraid and didn't really want to. Also, the topic of having a child together (with my current partner) was brought up couple of times. She said she didn't want to have kids at that moment and I usually replied I didn't want either. I think she didn't really meant what she thought (that's how she usually is and she even admits it). Think I should have been more alert and read between the lines, but I didn't (maybe because it was easier). Recently we began having arguments about little things. We left for vacation and we had some really big, emotionally draining arguments, tears. When we came back things initially didn't look bad but deteriorated steadily. One day we went for a concert and she met her ex. She was utterly frightened. It was really surprising and rough for me. He must have been in her heart in some way, even though they broke up eight years ago. I couldn't really bear it. The night after the concert was horrible. We tried to break up but couldn't. On the next day we agreed we need to separate for some time. She said her ex was not the reason, it was all between me and her. So, couple of days later I moved out. It was not easy, not only because it was painful, but she apparently didn't want me to disappear. I was supposed to take my stuff and we ended up drinking wine and talking till 4 AM. I recognize my faults and really want to change. Actually, I changed my life a lot since it became clear to me there were some unresolved obstacles that made me stuck between her and my older life (my parents who were not fully aware of the situation and stayed in close touch with my ex, my son who wasn't aware I was with another woman, my ex who apparently still hoped we would get back together). I believe I was able to fix all of these, hoping we still have future, so that I could be with her 100% and finally have some real plans for the future. When I was leaving she said she'd had a dream about me, we two were cuddling and it was so soothing for her. Also, she said she noticed the changed and really admired the fact I'd become more determined and decided. Anyway, she said she needed some time during which we wouldn't see each other. She initially proposed to turn our relationship into something 'lighter' (meeting from time to time, having sex, no plans, but now she says she couldn't do that). I rented an apartment. It's been a week now since then. I find it really difficult not to get in touch with her from time to time. Texting, calling. It was Christmas, so I couldn't really resist the urge to call her. She always picks up the phone, we speak a lot. I try not to mention the past and focus on what's going on at the moment (which is positive, in general). We couldn't fully refrain from talking about our relationship, either. She says her mind is not clear. She feels like nothing has changed and this is uncomfortable. She doesn't want to see people at all (not only me), focus on her work (she's a painter). I asked her if I should stop contacting her and she couldn't really answer. She said 'this could be better, I'm not sure'. Do you think I should disappear for some time? It will be difficult but I'm sure I can do it, if there's a chance this would help. We agreed we won't see each other for four weeks. I would do anything to fix our relationship unless there's nothing to fix. I asked her if she thinks it's over, explaining that if it was she'd better tell me. She said, no, it is not. She said it would be sad and would be a big loss. On the other hand she can't commit to our relationship now. She's torn. I'm able to give her enough time, provided there's a chance. I truly love her and I know she truly loves me. She gave me a lot of time in the past to fix my life and I appreciate it. If you have any thoughts to share I would be very thankful. I want to be with her and I'm sure we'd be happy. We've been happy in the past. She keeps looking at the dark side at the moment (bad moments), I know we had problems and I hurt her by not fully committing. I don't want to have 'friends with benefits' kind of relationship with her, it would never work. I truly love her and want to spend my life with her. What should I do? Move on? Give her time? Do you think there's a chance we get through this and be together?

 

Thanks

[Stay_home]

You probably should fall back for a little while and give her some space. I'm not totally sure that she's over you just yet, but it sounds like she's having a hard time trusting you since you would not commit to her. It's going to take a lot of convincing and a lot of changes to prove to her that you're serious. Just remember that it's been three years to this point, not three months. So if anything, she's probably leaning more toward the fact that it's been so long and much hasn't changed since then. So why on earth would things be different now?

 

Good luck.

[trez]

Thank you Stay_home. For some reason I can't help the feeling her need for space is not just the result of our communication/commitment problems but also the fact she can't stop thinking about her ex. She told me he shows up in her dreams and also, when things were bad, she would think about him ("he really loved me"). She dumped him and he's got a girlfriend now, it could have been hard for her to see him. Hmm, there's not enough room for two persons in one heart, if what I think is true that would be another reason to fall back, like you suggested. I was 100% sure she loved me and now this.... will give her some time, anyway, love her too much not to try.

 

Thanks

[Stay_home]

In the future, you may also want to try breaking down your post into groups of paragraphs.

 

If someone clicks on your post and sees a giant wall of text they're not to read it.