Please help....Desperately need advice.......

[FuriousSam]

Haven't you ever been clueless when you've been in love? I know that I have...

 

And that's why you try the hardest to help them out, to make them see what you have seen and what you have been through, no? Many times my parents has let me try things out on my own and I do consider it the best way of learning instead of hearing it from someone else, but relationships does not work that way. Just as you said with the blinders, if you don't see it and keeps falling deeper and deeper, it can be dangerous.

[HeavenLee]

Hi FuriousSam,

 

Whilst I don't want to change the nature of this thread, I just wanted to say that yes, we have all been clueless. So telling him that he is just clueless is not really helping him - he would just feel like no one understands and it will undermine his confidence, and may even turn him off coming here for advice - which it seems may have happened. Constructive advice, even if it has to be repeated over and over again, may be the only way to help him see the reality of the situation. And it is what he came here for. I know that he also has to help himself, but he is just looking for a bit of support from us because he is going through a tough time. I have nothing against being blunt and to the point if it will help him, but telling him that he is clueless is not really helping him I don't think.

 

Again, i'm sorry to bring this up, but he is struggling with a problem and seems hesitant to come back here now.

[Iceman26]

While we all have been clueless in our lives, this situation is not a clueless one. All the facts are on the table and are for the most part being ignored.

 

This situation is a potentially dangerous one, and the longer Glen stays in it, the more damage it could potentially cause emotionally, as well as physically, if the so called "ex" is sleeping around with bangtails, sleeping with the girl in question who is in turn possibly sleeping with Glen.

 

This girl says she loves her ex, and she is living with him. How many more clues are needed to leave?

 

The advice I gave prior to this was constructive, and perhaps by pointing out that he seemed clueless was a wake up call, not an insult.

[HeavenLee]

Hi Iceman!

 

I totally respect what you are saying. I have read many of your posts and find you highly insightful and very helpful to many people. I actually agree with your post very much... the facts are, I agree, quite visible to us. Glen is just having a hard time seeing that at the moment, and it is quite a disturbing situation that hopefully we can help him resolve for himself. I feel that he just needs the confidence to see what is best for him, and that he deserves better treatment. I realise that you have only the best intentions, but the written word does not always come accross as we think it will, and I was only asking to not be quite as harsh in judgement of him (not the situation) as it seems to have scared him off a little.

 

Please don't feel that I am having a shot at anyone, truly, it is not my intention as I agree with you all fully. It just takes some people a little longer to see the truth and be brave enough to know what the right thing to do is. Hopefully Glen will take note of what we are trying to help him with, and will make the best decisions for himself so that he can be truly happy and be with someone who will truly appreciate the good person that he is.

[Iceman26]

Hi HeavenLee,

 

No worries, I didnt think you were taking a shot at anybody in particular, and thank you for the compliment.

 

You are probably right about being harsh, and I will most likely stop posting here as I am harsh, because it is extremely difficult to hide my irritation for people that are getting pushed around and are in denial and they make weak excuses like "but I love her" about it. In turn, it is also hard for me NOT saying something, because I feel guilty that I could have helped prevent something if I had said something....its a never ending battle I suppose.

[HeavenLee]

No, no, no... please do not stop posting here! It would be to the detriment of many people who could really benefit from your help and perspective!

 

PS. I've been known to be a little too blunt myself sometimes.. but it usually ebbs and flows with the comings and goings of PMS!!!

[Iceman26]

Oh my bad, I meant I would probably stop posting on this topic, I am not going anywhere.

 

Tats pretty funny heavenlee

[glen]

We saw each other over the weekend, she seems happy with me. Met for lunch on V'day.....gave her flowers, later she told me ,ex wanna have dinner with me on V'day, at that spur of moment told her not to see me again if she wanna go dinner with him, she say she hasnt decided yet, told me its her last dinner with him so she might wanna go. I do not want to push her, but tell her its hurting me and she got decide what she wants. Maybe its the time I should let her go and decide what she wants.

[glen]

Told her whatever she do, I would be happy for her, just let me know if she wanna go with him.

[FuriousSam]

No! No! No! You just made a big mistake by telling her that you will be happy for her for whatever she wants and you asked her to tell you if she wants you? You said you love her, that's fine. You said you want to be with her, that's fine. You are now saying that you will be her doormat? That's not good! Love is not a one way street, what about your happiness? What about your needs? Hope is great but it can also hurt us if we believe in it too much. Sometimes you have to separate your emotions, take a step back and look at the whole situation. You have to be selfish sometimes and put your happiness in front of hers.

 

-- Sam

 

P.S. If I am too blunt and have become harsh to you let me know Glen. I will stop posting in this thread.

[glen]

No Sam, you are not blunt. Sometimes right things are difficult to swallow.

She has already decided to leave him but just wanted this last V'day dinner with him, when you love someone his/her happiness does matters.

I can see the pain in her eyes when I had lunch with her, she called me in the evening before she went for dinner, we talk for a while and then I just wish her best of luck, got a sms within 2 hrs that she back home. I was really missing her all this while, but she needed this dinner more than I do.

[DragonGirl724]

lee,

 

hes not calling glen clueless you called him clueless in your post right before the one i quoted. go check it out yourself. the advice we're all gving him is the advice the dude needs to hear. there is no time in life that should be wasted on bull* sugar coating. sorry but i strongly believe glen needs to take in everything sam, iceman & i are saying to him. we're not bashing him calling him clueless we have been giving him constructive advice & giving him a 3rd person perspective. emotions & feelings should come 2nd to the real deal. when put into situations like this one should look it for what it is, not from this lovey dovey mind set. thats how people get too drawn in & hurt. we are trying to help him see it that way.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

i have the blunt issue as well. but you know if i was posting on here about my life i owuldnt want it any other way. so i dish it out too sometimes. & at times i may get a lil out of hand b/c it is very frustrating.

 

glen,

 

in all seriousness what is the deal w/ you? i have a feeling this all goes a lot deeper than just your ex. your willing to be wait for someone who is in love w/ someone else, w/ a man who sleeps w/ hookers, & who lives w/ her. i think some self analyzation is deeply called for. youre gonna have to move on from this chick. youre gonna get your heart shattered...whatever is left of it. people treat others the way they allow them to. if you continue accepting her to treat you as her doormat that she can walk all over she will continue to do just that. youre wasting your time & energy.

 

-DG724

[glen]

I want to move on, but she is stuck in between us..........this what she msg me last nt.

 

From her-

 

I took him as soulmate ,until he doesnt want to marry me , I was convinced that he was wasting my life that when I met you.

I want someone who wants me, and and focus on what what i want, I dare not think of him that time.But getting hint he dont want me and seeing in front me are totally different. Never in my life I except to that ( he in bed with prostitute), my eyes are wet whenever I think of that. I wana move on with him but frankly dont know how anymore, I cant turn my back at what I feel, there are so many hints that I am not the one who he wants initially, I dont know why he want me now. I am stupid to drag I know, but i do know I will never love him again once I let go, I dont want that day to come, but it will come I know, cos I cant move on with him. I cant forgive him for what happen. I am sorry to drag you in.I am not sure how long I am gonna be like this, maybe one day I will just wake up, its meaningless to see you and him now, I want time alone.

 

 

These were the sms's I got from her last night, I know she is stuck, no matter what I do maynot effect her at this moment.

 

I am stuck ..want her ..but really dont know how, I know she likes me, but ...I cant understand her.

[HeavenLee]

I am beginning to think you are pretty clueless.

 

Dragongirl,

 

I was referring to this quote and the subsequent one. As you've probably read, Iceman and I have discussed it and it has been put to bed. There is nothing wrong with being blunt or giving constructive criticism, in fact I actually encouraged it. I was just saying that quoting that he was clueless does not help glen's situation, nor would it make him feel very good. I know that it was not Iceman's intention, but the written word can be misconstrued, and when someone who is hurting comes and sees someone saying they are clueless, I would feel that it would pack a punch to their already shaky self esteem.

 

It was not my intention for it to become a huge deal, I just wanted to mention that we all feel a little clueless sometimes (that's why we come here), and it can hurt for that to be rubbed in. Maybe that's just my take on it though...

 

I hope I haven't offended anyone.

[HeavenLee]

Okay, back to you now Glen...

 

I understand that you love her very much and would love nothing more than to be with her. But the fact is, you can not change or control her actions, only she can. The only thing you do have control over, is yourself and how you react to the way she is behaving. You mentioned before that she made a choice back in the beginning and she chose you. I'm afraid she didn't really, because she is still hanging in there and trying to make a go of it with the ex. She is very afraid of hurting his feelings, but she does not seem to concerned about hurting yours (although I'm sure she says she is - but her actions show otherwise). You need to accept that the way she is treating you is not right. If she wants to try and make things work with the ex, then she must leave you alone and concentrate on him. If she knows that things will not work out with the ex, then she must leave him and concentrate on you. There is really nothing to be confused about on her part. Moving on is never easy for anyone, but millions of people go through it every day. She needs to make a decision, and can not string both you and the ex along. She can't have it both ways, or use either one of you for a safety net in case the other one isn't successful. It's actually quite selfish of her to expect that.

 

The point is this though, she will continue this behaviour while you keep letting her. When you put a stop to it and make a call on what you will or won't put up with, that is when things will change for you. What she decides to do, or how she treats people is out of your control... how you allow her to treat you, is thoroughly in your control.

 

I know it's hard, and that it will hurt you to make a stand... but her behaviour is hurting you already. Do not allow her to have so little respect for you and your feelings, otherwise if you do end up with her, it will always be like that. She really put herself in this mess herself, and only she can get herself out of it. If she understands that it is not going to work with the ex, then she needs to suck it up and make a clean break. If she can't, then she should stop playing with your feelings. You have done all you can and been waaaaaaay too understanding and compassionate already... if she can't see that, then I feel sad for her.

 

Be brave glen, and make the choice for yourself...

[FuriousSam]

Jen, it's ok.

 

Heaven, your point has been taken and I understand your concern. We are all here to help Glen and that is what we'll do.

 

Now, I want to focus on those lines in bold.

 

 

 

Are you with me Glen?

[DragonGirl724]

oops posted in the wrong topic. thats a first in over 1300 posts! wow! lol

 

-DG724

[glen]

Hi Sam ,

I am here, what do conclude from those in bold lines? I was hoping some reply on those lines.

[FuriousSam]

I missed quoting a line. Anyway, this is what I see in the message that are red flags.

 

 

 

I took him as soulmate, I was convinced that he was wasting my life But getting hint he dont want me and seeing in front me are totally different. my eyes are wet whenever I think of that. I wana move on with him but frankly dont know how anymore, I cant turn my back at what I feel. I am stupid to drag I know, but I dont want that day to come. I am not sure how long I am gonna be like this. its meaningless to see you and him now, I want time alone.