Stuck on the Sidelines

[cremebrulee]

An update on my last post.... I have gone from seeing my partner every day to twice a week and from seeing his son 3 times a week to not at all (all my partners decision). I have backed off and given him his space and although he is now a little more affectionate again he is still being very cold and distant. He was being very friendly and coming over a bit more often but then i invited him and his son to a free symphony in the park (only 1 hour of his time) and he declined saying that he has made a decision not to involve me with his son anymore and that he will not be doing anything like that with me so forget it. I had a very strong bond with him and his child and was about to become his step-parent so not seeing him for almost 2 months is hurting like hell and my partner is just shutting me out and acting like we have broken up and will never be together again even though we are still dating.

 

I'm starting to feel like he's pushed me onto the sidelines and i don't know what to do about it. I love him and his son very much, they are my family, and i want things to go back to what they were like before but he won't budge an inch. I don't want to break up and date other people but i am starting to feel that he will never try to get us back on track.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

[Mun]

How is he doing in his relationship with you? Does he call when he says he will and show up on time for your dates? You say he is affectionate, but do you feel loved? I wonder if he is treating you like his girlfriend....or like a filler until someone else comes along. I'm sorry, I don't mean that to sounds hurtful...just trying to figure this guy out.

 

I would advise first of all...stop asking about the relationship. If you are not happy with the way things are going be less available. Show your discontent by not being around as much. You don't have to argue your side ( he tends to get ugly when you do..doesn't he? ), show him and he will get the message loud and clear.

 

It seems that he is protecting his son, but maybe he is protecting himself. Not wanting to get more involved here than necessary. What do you think?

[cremebrulee]

sorry... i should have given a bit more background info for those that didn't see my last post. We were organising our engagement party in december and we had a few minor arguments during december/january so he decided he wanted to cancel everything and go back to seeing eachother less often. I felt very loved and had a lot of affection but now there is not much of that at all and he says he just doesn't feel like being that way at the moment. He says he doesn't want to see other women and doesn't want me to date other men. He wants to chill out and see how things go. He put things off because he said things felt "right" before but they stopped feeling right and he doesn't want to continue the way things were until it feels "right" again (i think he expects perfection).

 

I know he has been hurt in the past and the situation reminded him of a past event but i have had to overcome my past hurts and get over all the reminders that i have seen.

 

I am not much of a casual dater and i have had 2 long term serious relationships with nothing in-between, i can't be with someone that i am not wholeheartedly in love with and even to be attracted to someone physically is rare for me. I just don't know if i should be waiting for the man i love or trying to find someone new. I know that things with him will progress again eventually but i am finding it very difficult to go from full-on involvement with every aspect of his life to no involvement other than hooking up for coffee and a movie. It is hard to have what i thought would be my family taken away from me. I want to have faith and trust that it will all work out well and he just needs time. Some days i am positive about it all and just relax and let things be as they are, but then i get days where it hurts like hell and i text and he sends a cold reply or says he cant see me for 3 days and i get more upset. I just want things to go back to being like they were before december, i finally had everything i wanted in life (except for my health which is still a bit of an issue) and now i have nothing again.

 

NB: The health concern i have had for 3 years and it is not a factor in our relationship at all it just puts limits on me personally so i can't really go out and about by myself and do my own thing - i think that's why it's makes this really difficult to deal with. I'm also back living with my mother who drives me mad (as mothers do) and when i'm stuck at home with her knowing he has the day off work but wont visit because his son is there i feel really depressed and left out.

[Mun]

I hope you don't mind me asking, what were the arguments about? That might be the reason he felt "disconnected " with you and decided to put things on hold.

 

Also.. did your health cause you to put more pressure on him to give you more of his time or did you ask for more from him as a result of you not being able to go out alone..just wondering.

[cooldude1234]

It sounds like he's questioning everything.

 

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?

 

Maybe you shouldn't apprear so dependant on him(assuming you are coming off that way.)

 

It's hard to say what he's going through. I hope you work things out.

[cremebrulee]

my health doesn't really put any strain on us as i am pretty much self-sufficient and financially take care of myself. I always give him his free time to go cycling or to the gym with friends etc...

The arguments were over silly things really - he was 2 hours late once and didn't text or call to let me know he'd be late and when he turned up i was pissed off, he explained that his son got dropped off later than usual and he didn't realise the time which i understood but i told him that he should at least text to say he'll be a bit late - in my mind it's just common coutesey to do so. He didn't see it that way and got angry because i was upset over something he doesn't feel is important. It is one issue that came up a lot in our relationship. I worked in an industry where being late to an appointment was considered exceptionally rude and it could cost you the clients respect and their business so for me someone being that late and not even apologizing is disrespectful and rude. Silly thing to argue over i know, but at least it wasn't over who got the last oreo! I think his reaction was a little too harsh but what's done is done.

 

He's a bit all over the place at the moment... one day he is really nice and says that he is sure we can work things out then the next day he says that things cant go back to the way they were and if we tried it would turn out the same way in the end. I feel that he doesn't really know what he feels or wants right now. I know deep down he cares a lot for me (says he never loved anyone the way he loved me and is so upset that we aren't the way we were) but i think he is trying to switch off so he doesn't feel anything and cant get hurt. ???? Men are so confusing at times!

[cooldude1234]

Does he have manic depression(bipolar)? If he's back and forth, that's one of the signs

[Mun]

Well I don't think it's silly of you to get mad about him being late. He was rude and inconsiderate at not even calling. You say this happens alot and I suggest next time it does... allow for a delay of 20 minutes and then go do your own thing. Do not wait around for him and do not argue with him about it.. SHOW HIM that you will not wait around and that your time is valuable by not waiting. Next time he will either call or show up on time. He is late(and doesn't call)--he doesn't get to see you--teach him his behavior has consequences .

 

Now you say some days he is sweet and wants to make this work and other day she says he doesn't know. On the days he says he doesn't know...are those days that you ask him how he is feeling? If his response is because you asked--stop asking. Instead focus on how he is making you feel and if he is giving you the attention you want. If he is being loving and attentive then have faith that you are on the right track ... trust...and let him show you with his actions what he is feeling. I don't like asking "do you love me" because I think the answer loses it's worth because its requested. It means so much more when it comes naturally from the other person--not solicited.

 

If on the other hand you feel neglected...then don't give him much of your time.. be less available. If he cares he will start wanting more of your time and he will behave himself with you. When he is being less than gentlemanly--don't stick around, tell him you're tired and leave early.

 

People treat us how we allow them to treat us. Your time is valuable. Show him.