Loss of my best friend

[Breakuptomake]

My ex and I have been together on and off for 5 years we recently just broke up a month ago again and I feel like this is it. For me its so painful but our relationship was not the healthiest many would call it toxic even through all the hurt there where some good times and he was there in moments when even my family couldn't be there. Today I got some news that my health is not in good condition and I felt so scared although I have my family and friends I feel like I've lost my best friend and it sucks to feel this way about someone you know your better off without. I'm wondering if anyone has ever felt this way I feel totally alone.

[Willywagtail]

It's always very hard to break up, even if the relationship was toxic, and I'm really sorry to hear about your health issues.

 

Of course you miss him. Particularly now when you're in need of support. That's what it is though - support. You can get it from your family and friends, you just have to ask. I understand that you're missing him, but don't kid yourself that he as your best friend. A toxic relationship does not produce 'best friends'.

[RainyCoast]

I'm very sorry you're having a hard time. Hopefully you'll find some support and clarity here.

 

Yup, people feel that way a lot! Just make sure not to act on it though.

 

The thing with toxic relationships is they're very close, too close even, especially in cases where one or both parties feel like their boundaries are crossed- emotional, physical, you name it. Controlling, manipulative, jealous or confrontational people can make you feel like they are violating your thoughts, feelings, forcefully redefining your sense of Self--it feels like their influence seeps in through your pores and influences you at an intimate level. This becomes what your brain associates with intimacy and is part of the phenomenon referred to as trauma bonding. So when you find yourself in need of some very personal support (a completely legitimate need btw) you're likely to look back at what you've come to call intimacy without questioning it's nature and quality.

 

And the quality of this bond in toxic relationships is...well...toxic. It's common, but erroneous to assume that simply because someone occasionally displays normal behavior (or displays it most of the time with intermittent bouts of toxicity) they are not a "real" abuser/manipulator/toxic person and equally devastating.

 

It takes some time for it to sink in what you've known in a bond isn't a good representation of bonding, and that there is healthier stuff out there, perfectly accessible to you, and of which you are perfectly deserving. Perhaps, seeing as you label the relationship as unhealthy and you're probably aware that you've unintentionally contributed to the dynamic, you're also worried that you'd be unable to keep a relationship healthy on your end with someone who wasn't toxic? I remember this stubborn idea of my own inadequacy being one of my setbacks when recovering from a toxic relationship.

 

You're allowed to feel all that you feel. Just avoid acting on the feelings before you feel like you've genuinely recovered. To avoid slipping into the same painful pattern with this person or another.

 

Keep talking here, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate now.

 

Hugs!