Four months after BU - need to rant

[Lysflower]

Hi everyone,

 

I had been feeling much better recently but have reached a low point again. For those who don't know my story, you can read it here .

 

Long story short my ex broke up with me four months ago after roughly a one year long on and off lesbian relationship - the main reason being in my opinion that unlike me she was not ready to be in a serious and committed relationship, and had just come out of the closet to her friends and parents. We have not been in touch since, although I sent her kind of a farewell email two days after the BU. Never received a reply but am fine with that.

 

Anyway, the first few days were truly awful but I gradually got better with ups and downs along the way. I have been spending time with friends and family, forced myself out my flat to meet new people, kept myself busy at work and have a couple of holidays to look forward to.

 

I have however reached a low point again, and have been feeling down and crying since yesterday. I think this was triggered by her birthday, which fell last Wednesday. I didn't text her or anything. In fact, I promised myself I would NOT get in touch with her. Certainly because there is no point but also out of pride. Not misplaced pride though, as I think that contacting someone who broke up with you twice and didn't wish you a happy birthday would be.. well... weak... and on the verge of pathetic. Another reason is that I remember her saying during the BU that she was immature and I was the grown up. Even though I am not the most grown up person of my age, I am definitely more mature than her. If anything, it's her immaturity and indecisiveness combined with her desire not to "waste my time" that made her bail out. And so I want her to remember me as the "strong" one who graciously accepted the BU and won't stick around. Pride again but I believe I am entitled to it.

 

But it can be so hard to be strong, so hard to resist the natural urge to want and get in touch with the one you genuinely thought was the one. I have no hard feelings against her as she never wronged me in any way. A part of me still thinks that we will find each other again at some point - and frankly, I don't know whether it's a natural self defence mechanism, false hope or an in depth intuition based on shared chemistry or all of the above.

 

Urghhh it really sucks when the person you love with all your heart and soul cannot meet you half way because you got it all wrong on timing.

 

I just need a pep talk today!

[Lysflower]

Urghhh another low day today. Why after feeling fine for a good month do I have to replay the whole BU scene in my head again? Why do I feel angry again? Why do I want to scream my lungs out? Why do I want to yell at her and cuddle her at the same time? This is the second summer in a row I am trying to get my ex out of my head. So F.R.U.S.T.A.T.I.N.G

[AmelieM]

I remember your story, Lysflower. Sorry to hear you've been having a rough few days. I think we are following a similar trajectory. I'm here if you need to vent!

[Lysflower]

I remember your story, Lysflower. Sorry to hear you've been having a rough few days. I think we are following a similar trajectory. I'm here if you need to vent!

 

Thanks for your support and apologies for the late reply, I was away on holiday. I feel better, I have had another date this week but it was really weird. But anyway, I am still doing casually but like the idea of going out on dates for fun! I will ready your thread on your recent dating experience.