Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?

[sharp1184]

I hate courtship, probably because I'm so bad at it. But I can't really even say that, because I never even get the chance to begin that process. It seems like every move I make anymore is wrong, and I'm beginning to feel hopeless; I'm beginning to feel that I should just stop looking for a companion and just find a way to deal with spending the rest of my life alone.

 

Let me explain...

 

I'm in my early twenties and I've never had a girlfriend. I know what people usually respond with when they hear this. It's actually a classic line. In fact, someone probably has it copyrighted. It's usually to the effect of: "Don't worry, you're young. The right one will come along some day." I wish Someday was a day our calendar week, because I've been waiting for this day to roll along since junior high.

 

I won't bore you with the details of all the girls I've asked out on dates, or even expressed an interest in, for that matter. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that the number is quite high.

 

I will tell you, though, that in the past year, I've asked out 5 different girls on dates, and every one of these "ventures" ended in complete disaster. Needless to say, I haven't gone out on even a single date with any of them. I exchanged numbers with them, but then I find the interest isn't mutual, or the girl is so messed up, she just trys to take any person she can get. I can deal with girls that have been addicted to alcohol or even drugs that have decided to turn their life around, but the pasts of some of the ones I thought I had an interest in were just atrocious.

 

No, I don't believe I'm terribly ugly. I sometimes do get compliments about being attractive (and not just from my mother, attempting to boost my self-esteem). I work out all the time. I used to be skinny and weak, but I recently have developed a physique that I really am quite proud of. I have graduated from college, I have a great job, and I think I really have done quite well for myself, considering my age. I'd like to think I'd be great "boyfriend material," but this simply isn't the case.

 

Am I coming on as being too needy? No, I follow all the "textbook procedures" of dating. For example, I wait a few days to call, I only talk on the phone for a few minutes (so as to talk more during a date, and to not appear as being interested in mere friendship), I keep eye contact with a positive attitude when I see the girl, ect. You name it, I've read it, and I've followed it.

 

My problem now is this: it just seems like there aren't any girls left to ask out. I know this sounds ridiculous (with the whole fish in the sea thing), but this is now how I feel. I feel hopeless, and with all my previous failures, I feel even worse. What can I do to finally find someone who takes an interest in me, and meets my expectations (similar likes, dislikes, ect.)?

 

I don't have a lot of friends anymore. Most of my old friends moved away, are still at college, or have wronged me in some way. thereforeeee, I generally don't go anywhere. I hate the bar scene. I want to take a girl out to a bar (or anywhere), not try to pick one up there. I see it as the girls that have been hanging out at the bar have probably been hit on by different guys all night. Going to church (for use as a catalyst for meeting people) doesn't work either because it seems like only older people go to churches where I live. I won't even mention anything about online personals.

 

So, finally, this takes us to the point at which I'm at now. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being turned down by girls, yet still seeing my friends succeed with long-lasting relationships. I don't want people to tell me that in time, everything will all work out, because I'm starting to believe that a female companionship can't be part of the "working out" formula. I suppose in a way, things have already worked out for me...except I still feel empty, lonely, and depressed. I've grown wearly of my own life. I'm ashamed that I even have to post a message like this. I need help. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If there is anyone out there among you who feels as I do and would be compelled to write, I invite you to at least reply. After all, this Web site's motto is "You are not alone." I surely hope I am not, though I feel as if I am.

[sonjam]

sharp1184, and hungryhippo

 

I know everyone always have the "textbok" answer ready, and you are tired of hearing it.

 

The only things I can think of to say is - alter your state of mind. Stop reading on the "perfect" way to do things. BE YOURSELF. And stop trying so hard!

 

How about taking a totally different route, like joining the gym, or taking a pottery/art class, get a dog and go to the park, whatever!. Do this to enrich your own life, not to meet girls (but these are good places to meet them). Build friendships with girls, that could turn out to be potential relationships.

 

To be in a relationship with a girl, you need to be able to communicate, and be a friend. Why not start with the friends part, and try and sustain relationships with friends? The relationship part of it is bound to follow.

 

 

My 0.02 cents, I don't know if this is helpfull... but it is worth a shot right?

[Caldus]

Well first of all, don't be ashamed that you wrote that post.

 

I think that if you take the time to look through some other topics in this forum, you will notice that there are several other guys in your position. There are a few people around their twenties and a couple in their thirties who are having the same issue as you. So yes, you are not alone.

 

Are you part of any clubs or organizations in your town? What kind of interests do you have? What kind of hobbies? Maybe you can find a group of people that you would be really compatible with. I'm not saying to join some club just to meet girls as that would be the wrong reason to join. You should join so that you can meet people who are similar to you in one or more ways. It would be much easier to make friends at a setting like that. It would also be easier for you to meet girls at these clubs too.

 

I know you've probably heard of the above suggestion before, but just thought that I would try to help. I just don't think about relationships as much as I used to anymore. I keep myself busy for most of the day with clubs, friends, homework, and my other interests/hobbies. Oh yeah, and working out a few times a week really makes you feel better too. Go to a local gym. That would also be a good place to meet some people or even meet some girls. I find that every time I finish working out, I just feel better for the rest of the day.

 

I'm not going to say anything like "your time will come" but I will say good luck.

 

[EDIT: I agree with sonjam. Do these things with the intention to enrich your life.]

[ForAnother]

Hey buddy, I think your views on things may be a bit pessamistic. Your friends have gone away and you don't have friends?.... ok something is wrong there, try and rekindle your friendships, laugh have fun party with the guys. Learn how your friends are relaxed when they are around girls... watch how they turn from the joking matter, to the flirtatious matter... notice how they forget that the men are around and turn into a giddy girl themselves...

 

Learn that you may be doing the wrong things. Try this, when you are with a buddy of yours and with a girl or two, listen to what your buddy is saying, analyze why and how he is saying it. What is making him ask the questions he is, how interested is he... maybe watch what is keeping the girl interested... keep asking yourself questions in your head. If they ask you something, kindly respond... NEVER show any pessamism... huge turn off. Don't give away opinions on things such as films or books... keep them in unless they are positive comments. If a film is brought up talk briefly about your fav. part and why it is incredible.

 

Small tidbits of positive thoughts go a long way.

 

ForAnother

[single4good]

Wow sounds like you are in my shoes, I am 24 and never had a g/f or ever really had any girl take interest in me. I cant explain why either...I also am relatively good looking and have been told it a fair few times but girls just dont want to know me...or you either it seems. I also find it very annoying people telling me ohh dont worry your time will come....waiting 8 years I would have thought was long enough. This saying particularly annoys me coming from people who have never been in this situation. Try being single for your entire life and see how positive you are. All I can say is try to stay positive at least whilst you are around girls because it is all one vicious cycle once you let it get on top of you. Sure... vent all you like on here I think that is healthy. I also have more or less given up hope of ever meeting anyone. I go out at night but have no expectations at all. I am certainly never surprised. I am not sure if watching the habits of others helps at all. I have watched a few of my friends who are great at meeting girls. Only thing I see different in them is they will go up to about 30 girls a night and try to spark up conversation. Sure it works out for them but this is a hard thing to do particularly if you are shy. All I can say is best of luck I hope something comes your way soon and at least you know there is other people out there just like you. Its hard to imagine but its true.

[ForAnother]

I was just thinkin how lucky you guys are... so much better not to hurt as much as some people have. Relationships never really cure, they only cause more confusion and typically make people change, and turn for the bad (well in bad instances)... I would consider yourself lucky... cuz you are who you really are... not some BS guy trying to get girls left and right.

 

ForAnother

[sharp1184]

ForAnother:

 

Thanks. It's true. I have never felt the pain of breaking up with someone after being together with them for a lenghty amount of time. For that, I suppose I am lucky. But my luck only goes so far.

 

I agree that sometimes relationships may cause more trouble than was originally intended, but I respectfully disagree with the statement: "Relationships never really cure..." On the contrary, I'm sure I read that holding hands with another person, or even the slightest touch to another person's skin is enough for the brain to release more endorphins than any other stimuli. So as for improving my emotional health (even for a short while), a relationship with a girl seems like a reasonable enough cure for me.

 

I know what you're saying though. Some people have had their lives ripped apart by some of the relationships they've been in. Perhaps this is why I am so cautious about the girls I approach. But this is a pandora's box, because the ones I make myself believe are right end up being wrong when all is said and done, anyway.

 

I keep wanting to think that because I'm scrupulous I'll one day have no problem finding someone. But then I look around at all the guys that don't care about anyone or anything, and yet they are the ones who end up with the most desirable girls. They may not be together for very long, but I still believe (though now it has become cliche) Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best:

 

"I hold it true, whate'er befall

I feel it, when I sorrow most

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."

[single4good]

Unfortunately this is not the case ForAnother....Sure I may have never had a g/f but that is not to say I have not felt like I have had my heart ripped out by girls. That is what makes it even worst. I feel as though I have experienced none of the pleasures of being with a female (the fun times) but only the side of being told I am not wanted or had another person chosen directly over me. And last but not least is the saying which I completely agree with.....It is better to have loved than never to have loved at all.

 

Sharp>> I agree completely, I also will not just throw myself at any girl who comes along. I have to feel some kind of connection and attraction at least but most of the guys I know have no standards, they wouldnt care who she is as long as she is female.....yet they are the ones who seem to end up with the girls I would like to see and I am the one left with nothing at all.

[PrincessLinzay]

I can understand why you feel this way, however, these problems you've had could have just been based on circumstance.

 

One of my brothers is 24, incredibly good looking, has his own apartment, good job, college grad, and no girlfriend. He's had short spurts with girls, but never anything serious. He's incredibly smart, and people are constantly telling me how hot my brother is, and "why doesn't he have a girlfriend" or better yet, assuming he has one.

 

Have you ever considered that you're intimidating? Lots of girls may assume that you're not really interested, that you couldn't possibly be interested in them. That if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. My brother has the same exact problem. And girls have dumped him. Can't figure it out. Sometimes having all the good can count against you.

 

Hang in there. I won't give you a textbook answer, but you really have no choice but to keep waiting.

[strippyshirtman]

what calsus says is so true; about enjoying your life. do this stuff because it's what you want to do, to have an enjoyable life: languages, travel, food, films, music, what ever.

 

but i do know that so much of that seems so empty when you don't have anyone to share your joy and excitement with. it's easy to say "enjoy it for you own sake". and whilst that is certainly true, there is that point where i know i feel, "but whats the point?" and sometimes that's a pointed and painful question.

 

i don't know if there is any obvious answer; certainly no magic pill.

 

a few points to make:

1) friendships and aquantances are really important. they don't usually have the time/intimacy factor of a close relationship, but do contribute to the value and rishness of your life. i have found that I have developed some meaningful friendships with people i just would never have guessed. (maybe in part because there are qualities in myself that i don't recognise/value). cherish any such moment.

 

2) i'm increasingly coming to the point of beleiving we've been sold such a load of crap about relationships: that we all need them, that we're nothing with out them, that if we're not getting any then we're worth nothing. it's bad enough here (NZ). i don't know how people in the US cope (with valentines since primary/elementary school; if you never get any, what does that repeatedlly tell you about yourself). and yet that message is such a part of our subconscious as a culture that we dump upon others (those without) and ourselves, feel ourselves to be inferior somehow.

 

i want to congradualte you. you know what you want in a relatioship, and you have't dived into a destructive relationship to try and meet those needs (which are mostly, by te way, essential to our wellbeing, especially touch). you might say "so what, there just wasn't a a relatioship there". yet there are just so many people who are in destructive relationships because they find don't feel able to cope by themselves (just read these forums). it's not easy being by yourself. i've never had a g/f either.

 

3) have you considered doing something like Volunteer Service Abroad. i don't know about you, but for me this whole empty relatioship space has lead me to question what things are really about, and fuelled a desire to do something more with my life. (you've mentioned church, so i guess you have some belief in sense of spiritual quality. that could be doing something you really enjoy/are good at, in an environment where your experince counts for much more than linning your companies pockets).

 

i dont know if these ideas are helpful too you. i have noticed my own responses, as well intentionaed as they are, often miss a little on empathy.

 

i don't know if i can articulate my empathy or compassion for you (in fact i'm sure that i can't). i do know that this is perhaps one of the most difficult times in your life. and i know it seems as though it will never end. (i am at a very similar point). cry, yell, scream, kick the door; do whatever you need to help with your wellbeing. i don't know if anything can lessen the pain and abandonment you might feel. if you want to you can PM me. i don't really know whether i can give you advice, but i do have a deep understanding of where you're coming from.

 

i know this might seem third-rate, but seeing a councillor/therapist can really help. i've been seeing one for some time now, simply because i don't have the kind of ongoing support i need at times. he's my paid friend. the key is to find someone you get along with. often someone of a similar age is often good, or someone who reminds you of someone you like.