cassiana Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 I have seen this trend where an ex dumps the other and is completely cold. Then after behaving coldly, not a card or an email they come back. They could stay away for months even years. I even read in a local paper about a man who cancelled the day before the wedding and came back seven months later. The question I have is what do they think about in between. What process do they go through? How can one blow hot, cold then hot again? Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Abraham Lincoln left his fiance, Mary Todd, standing at the altar. I forget how long after that they got married but it was months if not years. The other interesting thing is why the 'dumpee' takes them back. Link to comment
hazlcha Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 I think it's commitment phobia. When things start looking like they are permanent, people freak. Then, when they realize that loneliness is pretty painful too, they come back. Link to comment
cassiana Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 My ex dumped me ten months ago. Since then hes finished his exams and his apprenticeship and is back packing (aged 33) alone around australia until april. On a scale of one to ten how lonely do you think he will be by the end? Link to comment
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 I have to agree. Commitment can be really scary for a lot of people, like my ex. lol Funny thing is that sometimes when they realize what they are missing they come back. Unfortuneatly, if their fear of commitments aren't properly addressed (like with a therapist or some other professional in extreme cases) they'll just leave again. It's like a vicious circle. As for your ex, who knows? Only he does. If he truly loved you, you will be hearing back from him again. In the meantime, don't put your life on hold for a maybe. Move on and find someone who loves you. If he comes back, you can deal with it then. Link to comment
cassiana Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 I don't know if he loved me but I do know that I made him happier than he had been in years. He has been fairly sad since. We were emailing until he left. He hasn't emailed me while he has been away though hes been sending emails to other people. We didn't stop emailing on bad terms but the fact that we are not emailing now means something. Either he wants rid of me or he doesn't know what he wants in relation to me. I wonder if the silence is to make him think. I wonder if he wants to be employed before he contacts me? Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Exes have a funny way of thinking that if they continue on contacting you on a regular basis that they are in danger of leading you on. They think that they are helping you move on by being absent from your life. They feel they are helping you. That is if they still care about you. I can see the logic in this, but in reality, is it expected that we can just forget about these people that we once so dearly loved? Can the ones that once so dearly loved us, just forget about us, just like that?? NO WAY. Cass, I think this man is trying to do what is, in his mind, right by you. There is something noble in that and I have a level of respect for people that want to hurt us as little as possible. At least he isn't feeding an enormous ego by leading you on to get his rocks off. Take solace in that, if nothing else. Link to comment
cassiana Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 He had no problem emailing me from august to december, even though we broke up last april. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 That was a transition period for him as much as for you. He was "sticking to the routine" for lack of a better explanation. Have you continued sending him e mails...whats your story?? Link to comment
melrich Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Yes I think keefeys right. That was a transition period for him. Travelling like he is is a great way to restart your life. If you have travelled like that you will also know that it is not easy to send emails and make phone calls despite the advent of internet cafes. I live in Oz and I can tell you that internet cafes and the liek are really only accessible in the middle of the major cities. Don't read too much into the fact that he is not responding to emails but do not expect him to be the same person when he gets back. He will be having many amazing experiences and they will change him. Link to comment
cassiana Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 MY ex has an illness that makes it hard for him to cope with stress.When we dated he was very happy and we had a very romantic relationship. Then he had a bad week, migraines, stress at work and he had to start a course in another city. On the thursday all was fine and on the saturday he dumped me. He said that I had been great, good for him and that it had nothing to do with me. I started Nc while he did the course. He emailed me twice and sent me a birthday card but I didn't reply. After 4months I emailed him. We had been emailing since. he complimented me on my emails, which he thought were very witty and should be published. Through friends I know that he has been tired (part of the illness) and down. He was hanging on until he went on this trip around Oz and NZ. Thats what hes doing now. His friend told me that he was very happy when he was with me and had nothing but praise for me. They also said that he was the kind of guy who would like to be in a good relationship. That's my story. I hope when he comes back that he will come back to me. I havent seen him since april. Give me hope. Link to comment
ShuShu Fontana Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Exes have a funny way of thinking that if they continue on contacting you on a regular basis that they are in danger of leading you on. They think that they are helping you move on by being absent from your life. They feel they are helping you. That is if they still care about you. Funny, my ex thought he was helping me by staying in contact with me. That did the *exact* opposite. He just wouldn't leave me alone and I didn't have the strength to tell him. It is very helpful to not be talking to him anymore. NC gives people the time and distance to really see a relationship and a partner for what and who they really are. Contact can cloud those thoughts with fond memories and feelings. To really get clarity I think you need to be alone and out of contact. Only when those rose-colored glasses come off can you come back into a situation like that. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted February 1, 2005 Share Posted February 1, 2005 it shouldn't be important to the dumpee what the thought process is for the dumper. the only thing that should matter to them is how to heal and make their life the best it can possibly be in every way. i had to take a real hard look at myself after i got dumped in mid Dec and i saw a bunch of things i thought needed work. i hit the gym, reconnected with some really great friends, got a new job, and started casually speaking to the opposite sex. after making so much progress in these aspects of my life, how could i not feel that: #1) I deserve somebody better and who can really care about me #2) I'm confident I can go out and find this person All of you in pain can get to this point too. You just have to decide what you want first. Link to comment
trishcollins Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Lots of good points here. I know that the best thing for me to move forward was N/C. My "ex" never attempted to contact me at all in the last 7 months and only responded when I contacted him (except my last email at Christmas, where I basically "let loose" and said some things that I don't regret, but needed to be said). I think he was trying to do the "right" thing and not lead me on, as someone else said. I know he just didn't walk away and suddenly forgot I existed. Although it was hard, in the end, the distance has really helped me, even though I have to say that I never thought I would never see him or speak to him again. It has really helped me get the distance and perspective I needed to get on with my life. I fear that had we continued to communicate, I would have be "stuck" in limbo, waiting for him to come back. He left me because he was incapable of handling everything on his "plate" and unfortunately I was the scarifical lamb. I was angry about that for a time (and told him so at Christmas), but now I realize he just can't handle things the way I do, and probably never will. And although he has been through some difficult things in his recent past, I realized I can't be with someone who is so unwilling to try and help themselves, and who chooses avoidence rather than dealing with difficult situations. He was probably attracted to my strength, but the bottom line was, he just couldn't cope, and didn't want me to help. In a way, him not contacting me or responding to my last email (at Christmas) has been the closure I needed to move on. I know it's hard when they say things like "you are a wonderful person, with a heart of gold" but then go on to tell you "life is too short and you need to move on and whoever you end up with is some lucky person". It would be better to hear nothing from my perspective. Anyway, people do get "cold feet" or feel "tied down" and it doesn't mean they won't come back someday, but the best thing you can do is move on as though they are gone for good. If they come back and you are available, well then, you can take it from there. Link to comment
ShuShu Fontana Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Bravo, Trish! It sounds like NC is doing exactly for you what it is doing for me. Your ex sounds a lot like mine. Love is not enough. Love does not make a whole relationship. It is a business partnership; you have to be able to work with your partner on a practical level above and beynod romance. I can see things so very much clearer now in the 2-3 months I have had very little contact with my ex. I understand why I loved him, why he still lingers on my mind, what I want out of someone and why he wasn't that person. Keep up the good work! Link to comment
trishcollins Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Love is not enough. Love does not make a whole relationship. It is a business partnership; you have to be able to work with your partner on a practical level above and beynod romance. I couldn't agree more. I told him at Christmas that one of the things I realized is that love is not enough, and that if I was truly his partner, we would have worked through this together - that's what partners do. I told him that love and commitment are two different things, and that although I knew he loved me, he was never 100% committed to me, despite all the things he did. I knew that without that commitment, we didn't stand a chance. Like you, things have become much clearer and I now look back and realize there were other things that I was downplaying, like his single-minded decision making process, where he used rewards or vailed threats to ensure he got his own way. I always felt that I was the one who should compromise, as he had the kids and he had lost his wife. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I always agreed, feeling that the relationship was more important than whatever decision was being made. I look back now and realize that although he went on to say that "if it were up to him, things would have been different", I know it was always up to him and that the reason we are apart now, was his decision, and his alone. Anyway, as those things come out, it doesn't mean I still don't love him. What it means is that I am starting to see him as he is, a real and fallable human being, who has a lot of baggage, and who is in no position to be in a relationship with anyone until he gets some help. Now that I have, in my own mind, taken him down from the pedistal, it makes it easier for me to move on. He's still a nice guy and I still love him, but I finally realized, I can live without him. Link to comment
ShuShu Fontana Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Anyway, as those things come out, it doesn't mean I still don't love him. What it means is that I am starting to see him as he is, a real and fallable human being, who has a lot of baggage, and who is in no position to be in a relationship with anyone until he gets some help. Now that I have, in my own mind, taken him down from the pedistal, it makes it easier for me to move on. He's still a nice guy and I still love him, but I finally realized, I can live without him. And I couldn't agree with you more. I'm honestly amazed at what NC has revealed to me about him and our relationship. My jealousy of his new girlfriend is fading fast and he is off that pedistal. Now I wonder how she can put up with him! Two people with very low self esteem, who are very insecure. I love him for the witty, intelligent, creative and talented person he is. But he does not have it together and I fear he never will. I want more and I have it now. I don't need him or want him anymore. And I never thought I'd say that. Link to comment
trishcollins Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 ShuShu Fontana That is AWESOME. So glad to hear it. I think when we are first "dumped" our ego is so bruised and we feel that there must be something wrong with us and the other person is without fault, even if they really hurt us. I don't know why we are so hard on ourselves, but I think in time we finally get past that, realize that they were not perfect and that perhaps things weren't as wonderful as our memories would have us believe. I often think if I had ended the relationship (when things got really difficult with his daughter), would the situation have been reversed, with him spending months and months hoping I would go back to him, because his ego got bruised Link to comment
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