Social life disorder

[scorpion91]

Alright, this has been bothering me lately and I'm just asking a general consensus of the people here on the board about this issue I've been dealing with. It's a complicated social life disorder I have in the midst.

 

I have a friend I'll call T. He's 19 and I'm 23. I've known T since last August. We lived in the same aprtmen/dorm complex at the college we attend. Well, we hanged out and we developed a close friendship. Aside from me, T knows people that are around my age as well, so I don't want people to assume I'm the only 20-something guy he knows. And I considered him a close friend, like a younger brother and he considered me a close friend. Well, lately I haven't heard from T in a long time. I mean the last time I chilled with him, was May 9. And I somewhat text him up, and he doesn't hit me up. I'm aware he has a "life" and that's fine, I give him safe. I have a "life": I live an internship, and starting a new part time job. But I just would like to appreciate, if he at least agrees to tell me when he is free to chill. I extend invitations for him to chill and such, but he hasn't taken the time to at least state when he's free.

 

 

I've been getting hearsay from this guy that know T's that he's been "busy" but he never states when he's free you know. I just wanted to know. I even asked our mutual friend R, if he's heard from T, but he's mute on that from some odd reason. Though, R is a close friend I know, but he does respond when I texted him about that UFC fight that Cain Velazquez was on a few weeks back. This had let me to draw some inference, that maybe T and R had some falling out of sorts. Maybe this occurred in May, when R had dealt with some campus issue that involved T that happen a few months prior. And R had to tell his parents about it, and maybe they had some falling out. Because whenever I ask R about T he is just mute or never replies on the subject at all.

 

And my whole world isn't all centered on T and there isn't some weird romantic feeling, I just mentioned previously, that I considered T like a younger brother. I give him space and all that stuff, but I'm unsure if there is something wrong with T. Maybe it's drugs, because I recall T saying he used to do meth and heroin a few years back but's clean from that; but just smokes green and drinks which he tells me never has a problem with. I did partake in smoking and drinking, but not like my days as a undergrad. I somewhat considered myself as looking out for T, and that is somewhat why I spent time with him sometimes; also, I enjoyed being that clique because I felt miserable not having a particular niche in my graduate school peers. They are way too older for me to hang out with. I mean I'm 23, where in the hell will I consider a 30, 40, 50 year old men as "bros" or date 30, or 40 year old women. I mean, there are some people near my age, but I just got the "cold shoulder" vibe from them and the vibe of arrogance from them, and I tended to retreat to my "crew" that I affliated with T and company.

 

I realized, without T and "the crew", my social life is nothing in graduate school. I'll admit that my graduate college experience for the most part, was good and bad. Good, is my overall social life was good, in terms of the "best" social life I had in college in the past 5 years but maybe it was just undergrad college life redux. Bad, I never fit the mold of a mature graduate college social life, if most people are 2x my age and I somewhat as perceived as a little kid; whereas, I feel a slight power or "coolness" when I was within my "crew."

 

Then again, I saw this "crew" as being some way of taping into a "fountain of youth" idealistic manner. I mean honestly, my social life from 18-22 in college sucked through my undergrad days, and hanging out with T and my crew seemed like the best thing that happen to me. I hardly had no issues or crappy times at all; never really burnt bridges with anyone. The question I ask myself: Was hanging out with T, some effort of coping of not trully "fitting in" within grad school or did I like being with T and the crew or both? Maybe a bit of both.

 

I mean, I did hang out with people in grad school, but mostly in situations where we got beers after class. But it wasn't no friendships I established because I never really saw any of the guys in grad school as friends, though I do show respect to them. I mean there are 4 guys in grad school that I know: One ex-Marine guy around 29(I think he has PTSD, but he always gets ticked at people randomly, talks about drinking a lot), this White Hispanic guy(32), he was cool with me but he came somewhat of an obnoxious jerk a little bit and I think he said some negative things about me to a girl I sort of liked in my classes, early 20s Indian guy, he's cool and I respect him but he's never invited me to hang out with him outside class; this mid 30s Hisapnic dude and he works at the registar office here. He's somewhat arrogant here. These two Hispanic girls that I've seen in my class , I consider as somewhat arrogant and I never really felt well received by them. Lastly, this White lady, I put her age about early 50s, she's a teacher, and she somewhat treats me somewhat too materialistic at times. I mean, "Lady, I'm 23, I'm not your kid and you don't pay for my schooling." I didn't sit around all day when I was in class, crying and moaning about people, I did go to class.

 

The things that bother me, is not being well received when I speak and articulate my own thoughts or being befriended by people. I gave up trying to befriend people in graduate school because I felt that the line of drawing friendships have been well established. And I did wanted to talk to Graduate Advisor at my department about this issue, but I didn't want to come as a kid telling on the big kids or some bs, which I'm not. I mean I somewhat did enjoy one class I had last year, and that was cool but maybe I could've befriended some people.

 

The thing I would like to do, is at least be friend 20-something people in graduate school and hang out with them, but I feel that since the "line of friendships" in my department of Graduate School have been drawn, I feel like I would not have any friendships near my age at all. And I feel depressed by that. And at times, I feel that people in my department have mocked me behind my back at times, and I've somewhat have seen that at times, when I'm not "articulate" enough in my own responses that I gave. I do like Graduate School, but it's just the arrogance/elogance of people who are in the Honors Society and people who "up there" that make me feel some degree of interiortiy. My GPA "sucks"(3.28) and I know its crap, but the more I think about it, the more it makes me feel depressed because, if I told any of those "people"(the arrogant Honors people) they would laugh at me. I know this past Spring semester I earned A, A-, B- and that's 3.41 roughly. I know I can probably get all As, so I can prove to them I can be there. I compare myself to those "arrogant" Honors people because they never invite me to hang out with them, and I never felt accepted by them. And this is the reason, why I have "my crew"

 

I do know a girl that's in grad school but she's with a dude, and she's a stoner but she's chill. We had drinks a few times, and I know I'd get with her if she was single, most definitely.

 

My social life with T and the crew I'll summarize: smoking green, drinking, a few parties, almost had a 3 way with T, his FWB close female friend, and me; had sort of foreplay with T's FWB and T somewhat. I mean I "set the bar" so high with hanging out with T, that went beyond any other close friendships I had in the past 5 years. And my friendship with T wasn't all towards partying, we did hang out with other things.

 

Now....I ask everyone the following questions:

 

1. How should I proceed in developing some friendships in Graduate College, despite the degree of this "feeling" of rejection I feel I have from people. I mean, I'm not going to go around and ask people, "Will you be my friend...?" That's freeking weird.

 

2. Is it normal, to keep taping into a "fountain of youth" by hanging out with my "crew" of 18-20 bunch as some safety valve of social life, because I don't really have a social life in grad school per se

3.What can I do about T, despite not hanging out with him in a while?

4.Is it normal for a 23 year old guy, to date/hook up with 18-19 year old girls? I mean, I realized that the single women in my grad school department is slim to none, and that's one reason I choose to hang out with T and my crew. Well, I'm still a virgin and I want to hook up with a girl you know. And I haven't told T that, because I feel embarrassed to divulge that part of my life to him, because it'll devalue my heterosexuality and masculinity

5. Should my grad school life be towards studying or social life or both? I haven't really balanced that a lot.

[Someday_Soon]

I've been through a masters program and there's definitely a different vibe. It's not just you. It's different from the undergrad scene. People have families and are married and work full time while attending school. The only priority seems to be to get the work done and then leave.

 

So anyway, your friendship with T doesn't seem strange in terms of chronology. There's only four years difference. But I'd consider getting your own girl rather than share T's FWB girl, because that could lead to some awkward confrontations especially if you or he develops real feelings for this girl. As for T's recent behavior, who knows? It could be drugs, or he could have decided he doesn't want to hang around you. It could be the incident with R that made him so embarrassed he wants a new set of friends. I can't really help you much there, but I would say that when you have a small social circle, losing just one person really hurts. You need more options than just one person for security. I've been there before and it seems to never end well. Maybe T will come around though. I'd keep shooting a text once a week at him and see if he responds. After a couple of months if you keep getting no response, I'd just drop it and move on.

[scorpion91]

T and his FWB as he told me many times wasn't for romance, it was for sex. She wanted more but he didn't. T had no problems if we had the three way, his Fwb wasn't inclined and she had final say so I dropped it. The incident with R, it was some on campus violation that T had some issue and R was there and they got sanctions. And R had to tell his parents, and maybe that's the falling out from there. Idk.

 

I know that T works and I give him space. I'll text him again maybe in a few days and see what happens.

I don't know if T is back on his old drugs of choice or what. I know he never had a proble with weed or alcohol, but I don't know what he's been doing. I'm checking my ownself and just sticking to some ppl I've got with another clique I've clinched recently