I hate my life. I need help

[colesmom]

I haven't posted in a long time but my life is an all new hell. I have been married for just over a year and a half. I am 20 years old with a one year old. I got married when I was three months pregnant so that was the first mistake. I been a stay-at-home and don't have any problem cleaning cooking etc. He doesn't have to do a thing. However, he has no involvment with his son whatsoever and i can't stand it. He never changes diapers, feeds, cleans, plays anything. I figured we would be 50/50 in raising him but no. He spends all of his time home on his laptop or with his other son (not mine) We never have sex and he never lets me go out and do anything by myself, and if I do I hear about it forever. He won't even watch his own son if i have to go to the grocery store. I am miserable, I fantasize about living on my own and making my own money and at least enjoy my life with my son. my husband makes me feel worthless and that I can't do anything right. I don't get any sleep and I am so unhappy. all he wants to do is sit home. and thats what i do all day everyday. I have no money but am currently looking for a job. I have left before and then he said he would change things and he did for a week and then back to the way he was before and its been 6 months since then. I am very upset, very unhappy, and I just want out. I never should have married him in the first place. I think hes not a good person, does not have his priorities in line and could care less about anything except his laptop, I need some serious advice, should I just pack my things now?

thanks for listenening,

Kat

[Roasted Carrots]

I'm sorry your new marriage is not working out for the better. Have you ever considered counsoling? Is there a church or other organization that offers the service for free?

 

If your husband will not go, go without him. It takes two people to solve marriage problems, and it certainly sounds like it's your husband who's dragging his feet, not you. But at least you can benefit from understanding why he acts this way and what you can do.

 

It's possiable that your marriage is saveable and your husband will turn around. Then again, maybe it's not. Try once more to work things out and give it a fresh start.

 

But once you've had enough and it's clear he will not change, follow through! Move out (possibly back in with your parents), get a job, follow your dreams. Is it possiable he will neglect his own son once you leave? If so, notifiy the authorities, or take him with you. (If you have the legal right to do that.)

 

I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best. Be strong, and good luck!

[Strictly4MyGrind]

He obviously doesnt treat you right at all and your not happy so i think that if you really dont think it can work then just file for divorce before it becomes too long file for divorce now and take what is yours i mean financially your prolly entitled to half of what is his so take what you can and leave move on and find someone new and be happy in your life!.......

[DN]

try not to think of this as a matter of what you are entitled to. It's a sad world when relationships seem to come down to what you can get out of it financially.

 

At least get some counselling first.

[colesmom]

I actually have suggested cousneling and I have told my husband that I was to see a therapist but he just blows off thinking I am crazy. I really don't care about whats his whats mine. I would want my stuff and he can have his and split everything else. I am an independent person or at least i used to be. And there is no doubt in my mind that my son will be with me. I won't leave anywhere without him. I have thought about moving to my parents but Im not sure. Sometimes I wonder if I should stick around here get a job and save up some money and get my own place I just don't know which would be best

[Roasted Carrots]

I think that sticking in this marriage with this man is not working, and the sooner you leave, the sooner you will find peace of mind. I wouldn't reccomend staying even for money purposes, because it is possiable for your husband have access to your money, especially if you have joint checking and all that.

 

I have no doubt that you will take care of your son, I was asking about the second child - your husband's "other son". Sorry for the confusion. I'm just worried about leaving a child with an irresponsible man.

 

I also think that living with your parents for awhile is a good idea...at least until you get a few things sorted out. You won't have to worry about rent for a few monthes while you look and train for a job, get your son settled in, and your life back in order. Plus, you'll have the support of your parents during the divorce process.

 

Again, good luck. We'll be here if you need us!

[OceanEyes]

Hi Colesmom,

 

There are a couple of things here that you haven't mentioned, that I'm curious about.

 

1. Are you still in love with him? Or do you find that your sentiments toward him are more like obligation and comfort?

 

2. Do you feel that spending the next year or two of your life trying to repair things broken by pleading with him to attend therapy, feeling ignored and worthless, and basically living in a state of unhappiness and doubt is worth it?

 

3. Why does he need to spend so much time on his laptop? Is he somewhat of a workaholic?

 

Just because you are a "stay-at-home" doesn't mean that you don't have a voice in your marriage. You still maintain his home life and take care of his son, don't you? In my opinion, this job is just as important as making the money; you need money to live, but any home needs care and structure, especially if there is a little one.

 

I'm sorry to say, but if he continues to stonewall you and ignore your needs, then what other option do you have than to leave the marriage? I don't believe in people staying together for the sake of the children, and also the concept that "a woman should stick by her man, no matter what" (which may be true if she is honoured as well). It's your choice whether or not you stay and continue to be miserable, or if you want to start making things happen for yourself and find something that makes you happy.

[DN]

my post was really a reply to the other one. I admire your independence

[DN]

When problems strike in a marriage it is easy to say "to hell with it, I'm getting a divorce" and plenty do -about 50%. Which is really sad both for personal and societal reasons.

 

I have been married now for quite a while - and we have both had many issues over the years and have both thought about divorce, and have come really close to it. But, demonstrably, we have stuck together.

 

Marriage is not all beer and skittles. It takes commitment and work on both sides. At the moment it seems he is not all that into the idea of marriage and is withdrawing to his laptop because something there is making him more comfortable. Essentially, he is trying to escape something. It maybe you, it may be the kids, it is more than possible it is nothing to do with you as such but something else: work, other family members. Perhaps he is depressed.

 

You both need to talk. Calmly, quietly, without accusation and anger and all that negative stuff. Tell him you are unhappy (without attaching blame, remember, to keep this non-aggressive). Ask him to help you to be happy again, the way he used to make you feel. Tell him what you need - use phrases like "I feel lonely" rather than "you are neglecting me".

 

Let him feel that this is a problem that you can both solve together, not something that is his fault, your fault or whatever. It's not a question of fault, it's question of fixing a problem. When the bath is overflowing you need to turn the faucets off, not find out who left them on.

 

If this doesn't work, tell him you want counselling, together and possibly separately. If he won't go, then that is the time to say that you are thinking of leaving. Tell him that if he won't go with you, you will probably have to leave him.

 

The trick to solving marital issues is to ttry to make the resolution as non-confrontational as possible.

 

Is it worth it - well, you loved him at one time. My own experience is that it was worth it.

[colesmom]

Ocean Eyes,

Your questions made me think. I do not believe I am still in love with him. I believe it is obligation. I look to my future even six months from now and don't see him there. I do feel like I am wasting my life away. i want to be a good mom and be happy but he is dragging me down. Yes, he is a workaholic and that is his life. Even if he doesn't work, he still have the laptop and I just sit there and do nothing. It is awful to say but I do not trust him with our son. He has no idea what to do, even with his ex they broke up when his other son was 8 months old who is now 6 and he never had custody. I did love him once upon time, but I feel like marriage was more of an obligation because I was pregnant, and I wanted out before the baby was even born, and the here he came and things were happy, with a new baby who wouldn't be. I know I should go back to my parents but I'd hate to crowd them. I know they probably want me to come home but it would be a big change for them until I do find my own place, since I do have debts on my own to pay. My husband and I sit in silence a lot and i don't know how to say anything to not make it turn into a screaming match. Any suggestions?

Thank-you all for the advice.

[sisterlynch]

There have been some good points being made, and you are definitely in a tough place with a guy that is just not making any effort to be real with you. If the two of you can't talk with out it turning ugly, and he is just waisting every after noon, just sitting around day dreaming, then he isn't plugged in to the marriage.

 

If he would not get counseling, you can go on your own. Eventually he will have to start to hear reality spoken to him, and he will listen, it just takes time when there are bad habbits being formed to change people. But you can change your own out look on life, and that will cause him to make changes too.

 

Exercise is probably something that will help that too. I noticed that you were having trouble sleeping and that could be from worry or that the hormones have changed in your body.

 

I think that he will change eventually, but you are going to have to make some reasons for him to change...you will have to change first, that is the hardest part.