Heartbrok3n445 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 I've been NC for almost 4 weeks now but we I haven't actually spoken for about 5 weeks as he ignored me the last time I broke NC. Help me not to break NC! Because I have been struggling. My urges are still there and I've felt very down and sad the last week which has made it worse. I am so upset he hasn't even contacted me at all. I want to talk to him but am scared of either being ignored, him being rude/cold to me and it just not benefiting me at all. I've had time to reflect and I have so much I feel I need to say. The thought he may never get in contact with me kills me. I've changed a lot of the things I did wrong and I also want him to know that. Help me stick to NC. I need advice Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 If he ignored you before, is it going to make you feel any better if he ignored you again? I'm probably around 2 months NC myself. I was so crazy for her. She meant the world to me. Try to remember that he made both a choice to break the relationship and rather be without you, and also to not attempt to return your attempt for contact. As hard as it is.. And I know first hand and still, let him come to you but assume he won't. Take this time to try to be kind to yourself and take as much time as possible for yourself. You were happy before you met him.. In time you'll be okay again. I'm still hurting from time to time but me attempting to contact her wont do any good. Link to comment
rich46 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 I've had time to reflect and I have so much I feel I need to say. I've changed a lot of the things I did wrong and I also want him to know that. He won't listen. Too early. And as mentioned before, it is not enough time for you to have really changed all that much. Or him, for that matter. You need an extended break, as in months plural, not month singular. The thought he may never get in contact with me kills me. Try not to think so drastically...easier said than done, I know. Six months down the line, things may change. But a month of NC, while it is a great achievement for you, is not much time in the grand scheme of things, and it will only seem like a heartbeat to him. Keep going, you are doing so well and it will feel awful if you go back to NC Day 1! Link to comment
Heartbrok3n445 Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 Thanks everyone. I'm trying to focus on myself, throwing myself into work which helps distract me throughout the day. I know it hasn't been that long but I compare this break up to our first break up - and he contacted me after a month of NC and two months break up. I'm around the same time NC but shorter break up but I still believe if he was going to than he would have by now. I know I need to stay strong though but I feel like I'm just coping but not really moving forward. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 As hard as it is to hear ...breaking NC will achieve nothing , well no that's not true ..it can start to make the dumper actually hate the dumpee .... a dumper will start to view the dumpee as nothing more than a pain in the ass . From there point of view they have chosen not to have someone in their life .. and that is the top and bottom of it ..so for that person to then keep bothering them , they start to feel annoyed , irritated and even a loathing can set in if it is continual ....I know your havent bothered him like that , but just speaking in general terms . Everybody feels they have learnt so much and has so much to say , they feel they have changed and be a better person and want the dumper to know ..honestly darling everyone goes through these same emotions and feelings . Right now you feel desperate and truly awful , we all know this feeling and we all know it will pass .....believe us . If your ex has a change of heart , he will have that because there is no contact and he himself has had time on his own to reflect and think about things , sadly there is only a small minority this happens to ..but if it is going to happen , only time and space will help ..and not getting contacted by the dumpee. Just cry , laugh , scream , jump , dance , eat , smoke your way through this agonising pain and you will be so glad you did . Link to comment
rich46 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Thanks everyone. I'm trying to focus on myself, throwing myself into work which helps distract me throughout the day. I know it hasn't been that long but I compare this break up to our first break up - and he contacted me after a month of NC and two months break up. I'm around the same time NC but shorter break up but I still believe if he was going to than he would have by now. I know I need to stay strong though but I feel like I'm just coping but not really moving forward. There is no point him coming back after one, or even two months, as yes you could get back together but the exact same scenario would play out again. And again. As proved in the past. Do you want that? A repetitive cycle of heartbreak. The only way you could ever have a long term chance together is if you both have a long time apart, and I am thinking 6-12 months here at the very least, and start a completely fresh relationship somewhere down the line. But the ball is very much in his court after he ignored your last attempt at contact (as did my ex 2.5 months ago). It is tough feeling so powerless, but you still have full power over yourself, so focus on that rather than your ex. Link to comment
rich46 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 "Negotiating with a dumper is like negotiating with death - you can't win" I read words to that effect on these forums, and sad to say it is true. NC all the way! Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 You aren't coping because you are believing that this is just another break up/make up as before. And I think he has decided that he doesn't want to play any more. Nothing changes...you get back together...and break up again. Time to call it a day. Link to comment
BrookeHx Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Focus on why your doing no contact. It's not for him it's for you. A big part of no contact is accepting that he may not ever get back in touch with you and if he doesn't then that in itself is a blessing. Don't take a step back now when your doing so well. Try not to count the days either as your not counting down to a definite event...him coming back to you, him making contact etc Your moving forward to a better life for yourself. Link to comment
lilygirl Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 One of the many crappy things about heartbreak is the fact that the one person you want to make you feel better is totally incapable of doing that. If he has ignored you once, he will ignore you again, and it will feel worse a second time. I have said it before and I will say it again, heartbreak is like addiction, and maybe it helps to think of it like that. It is hard to think clearly without your "fix," you may feel panicked because you want to fix it and there is so much to say, but you have to take it a day at a time and do your best. When you feel like contacting him, take a pause and a breath and remember it will provide you with momentary relief only as you send a message but the disappointment/hurt/regret will follow soon after. Hang in there. Link to comment
Heartbrok3n445 Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 Thanks everyone! I didn't break it... I felt a lot better today... I had a think about how far I'VE come. Even though it's tiny progress I just made myself think about how little progress is better than none. I'm able to stick to NC no matter how sad or hard it is, I've focused heaps on work (everyone at work actually thinks I've grown a lot and am getting stronger although they don't see me in my own time haha!). I actually can concentrate on my work even if he pops into my head I'm able to push him out. Hopefully with time I'll be able to do that outside of work too. Deep down I know I'll be fine no matter what happens. It's just sucky right now. I'm very impatient which is something I've realised, I also put a lot of pressure on myself so I want to try and work on that. But I appreciate all the responses. I really hope to look back one day and be able to see this was the best thing to happen because that's what everyone else in my life seems to think Link to comment
johnnib24 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Hang in there. I was and kinda still am there but you should just focus on you. What everybody said above is true. If it is meant to be he will come back to you and if not then someone better will take his place. Until then live your life and find and what makes you happy because time is precious. Link to comment
blanco Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Any time you feel these urges, ask yourself, "What do I hope to get from communication with this person?" If it's a matter of validation (i.e. knowing that the person is thinking about you), then understand that it's natural to want that, BUT for NC to really work its magic, you have to get to a place where this person's validation does not make or break you. I'm going through a similar thing, except I don't want to get back with my ex. But I do feel a bit rejected, even if she didn't outright choose the new guy over me. I know that us being in contact right now would be of no benefit to me. I would like to eventually be on friendly terms with her, but I know that on my end, that can't happen until I'm OK with her being with someone else. I'm not there yet. And that's the biggest reason I'm doing NC. Link to comment
rich46 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Wow, sounds like you are doing great! Be patient, and trust that little by little, you are getting through this. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Baby steps, hang in there. I feel dumb for still feeling the way i do about her, but i am slowly getting better the longer i go without seeing or talking with her. Link to comment
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