Can someone please give me insight...PLEASE

[heartbroken23]

So if anyone hasnt heard my story, here is a brief summary.

 

--Ex and I broke up 7 months ago (may) We were together for 5 years

 

--She is dating new guy little over month later (July)

 

--I went to Ireland in september to stay for a few months (didn't tell ex) She flipped and got scared I was not coming back

 

--While in ireland she texts me alot, tells my friends that she doesnt think things will work out with her and new BF and also that she misses me and it is "sooo sad" we are not together. Also calls me crying when things were rough with parents.

 

All of the above led me to assume that she was either a not with her new bf, or b things were not working out.

 

Well last week I met up with the ex and eventually found out that they were still together. I was shocked, because I thought her actions told me differently. I didnt act mad when I found out, just was a bit shocked. I was a bit mad inside because of her mixed signals, but also mad at myself for assuming things.

 

She later wrote me a long email basically saying how she wanted to remain friends and that she loves me and cannot lose me. Yada yada yada, I know she wants the best of both worlds. Here is where it gets interesting. I said need to move on, get over her etc, so not at this time. I mentioned how her actions led me on and that I wasn't mad, it wasn't her fault. I said it was pointless arguing that point, but at this time I need to move on and cannot be her in her life when I am still in love with her. She reacted mad and in a nut shell said she hated me.

 

Next day, she apoligises to me and I said that everything on my mind

 

- I said she is afraid to be alone and she rushes into things way to quickly. She immediatley agreed with me.

She later told me the following

 

- "I love you and dont think I will ever stop loving you"

- "I miss you and think about you every single day." I then told her that in my honest opinion, she is not over me. She agreed and said "I am not over you".

-- "I am scared that you will be engaged, or find some girl and I will be alone".

 

I then asked her a question that I was trully afraid to ask, but need to ask. I asked if she loved her bf. She said "no" and that they don't exchange i love you's. I was relieved. Today I received a card and a letter from her basically reiterating the things she told me on the phone.

 

Here is what is burning me up inside. WHY is she with this guy if she "still loves me, thinks about me everyday, is not over me, and doesn't love him". WHY??? That is really not fair on her bf right? She is definitley confused, but it still annoys me because by what she said to me, I really don't see a point to her being with her bf. What do you guys think?

[twizod]

Of all people on this forum, you have seemed to make the smartest and most mature decisions...so keep up the good work. As for her, it sounds like the girl is codependent and based on what she said to you about you getting a g/f and she being alone, this is a window of her fear. She cannot accept being alone or single like you. Instead of dealing with her issues and grieving, she is using this guy to circumvent it. This is a rebound relationship pure and simple. If you need to get over her you cannot keep communicating with her. She will cling to you for emotional support but never give you what you want. Good luck.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Heartbroken,

 

so when she told you all those things, did you ask her if she wants to get back together with you?

 

If you did and she said no, then I am afraid there is nothing you can do.

 

I dont know if it would be better to still be in her life or go NC, if you want her back. But I think it would be best for you to cut contact, as it is still hurting you so much.

 

Hope you will feel better soon.

[heartbroken23]

Thanks guys for your replies. Any others out there please feel free to comment. Tryingtobestrong, to answer your question, I haven't asked her if she wants to get back together. She knows that I would be open for it. I won't ask her that now with the confusion she is going through, plus she has a BF. I would only ask her that if she was single. I have told her that if she did become single for some reason,that she should be single for a while. I mentioned "a few months" and she basically gasped like that was a long time. She needs to experience being single as she has never been in such a long time. I said she needs to do it for herself. When we broke up, she was right in the arms of the new guy so soon, hence fear of being alone.

[savannahohsavannah]

Well I can see it's not just girls who get jerked around. I wouldn't worry so much about her. She has a new bf after all, and you are wise to question why she would say the things she said to you and still be with him. If it were me, I'd be wondering if this lady was ready to be a gf to anyone! I'd keep a nice safe distance and go out with other girls.

[heartbroken23]

Thanks Savanah, any one else have an opinion, what do u guys think the chances of us maybe being in the future may be....The way she talks, I think there is a pretty good chance, however I am not banking on what I think. I know I have to try and move on and see what happens in the future. WHo knows. maybe she'll come back and I won't want her...

[dancingwithlife]

It really sounds to me like she's afraid. Afraid of letting go of you completely. Afraid of her new relationship not working out. So, she's covering all bases. She probably is telling the new guy she loves him and she's probably crying on his shoulder about all the things you did wrong in your relationship. It's classic.

 

Hey, I have had an ex-husband for four yrs...and get this, technically, he's not an "ex-husband"...I have initiated divorce twice and it gets no where. Long story. But, anyways, he left me for a woman 20 yrs older than me. He played with my emotions for yrs. Constantly crying to me...missing me...loves me...kisses my cheek and on and on and on. He did me wrong and my kids wrong by having the affair with her. Then, he did her and I wrong by not knowing what the hell he's doing. You've heard it...cake and eat it too. The big obstacle in our marriage was his drinking. His addictions cost us our home, his job, him his family, his record...he now has a DWI. His company was awesome...good pay...sent him to rehab...let him take off three additional months with pay...and guess what? He QUIT! And after all the mixed emotions I have felt, he announced at my daughter's 11th birthday how happy he is to be free from my cage where he can smoke pot, do X, pills, etc. when he wants because "life is stressful." Life is very stressful when you are attached to someone who doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility. Anyways, I got off the subject. But, same thing with him...he wants nothing more than his family back. Then, why in 4 yrs did it not occur to him to try to sober up???

 

Stay away from her other than a distant friend until she knows what she's doing and what she wants.

[heartbroken23]

I understand all of your comments, but WHY would she want to be with someone who is just filling a void. Why be with someone when she says she is not over me, loves me, misses me, thinks about me everyday, etc, etc, etc?