19 days NC... up & down feelings

[Heartbrok3n445]

I've been NC for 19 days now. NC has helped a lot - it has cleared my head more, help me process things easier, helped me grow and feel stronger and helped me FEEL as though I've gained some of my respect and dignity back.

 

I'm having a set back though. I go back and forth to feeling fine, having urges, feeling sad, knowing whatever happens I will be find, etc. One thing hasn't changed - I still want my ex to want me back. Although in saying that, I feel like if that WAS to happen I would not want it to happen yet anyway? I feel I'm not as emotionally strong as I would want to be and tbh even though I'm sad he hasn't contacted me AT ALL, I feel like if he did I would just feel worse anyway right now and confuse myself more.

 

My urges are there a lot but they've changed from wanting to make contact and know what I want to say, to now wanting to make contact but not even knowing what I would want to say anyway... if that makes any sense?

 

I feel I have come a long way since the start. I am changing a lot of the things I felt I should change and I would like him to know that. I've been told that sticking to NC is showing him I've changed, as usually I would have contacted him or something by now. I hope that's right.

 

I still have half of me that feels like he'll realise and come back soon. I hope that's not hindering my progress though. I try not to think like that but it's automatic feeling, maybe because of what happened last time?

 

The other part of me just cannot see that happening as he has seemed a lot happier (making his how great it is to be single comment previously) and I think if he was having second thoughts he would have contacted me by now.

 

I'm still up and down but I can control it a lot more so I guess I've progressed in that way.

 

I just keep remembering the last time he ignored me to ensure I don't break NC! This time period has felt like forever though.

 

Any opinions/advice would be great!

[rich46]

Well done on keeping NC...just reading your posts, you can tell you have come far in the last couple of weeks. Just think where you will be in another 19 days of NC, then another! You will still probably have ups and downs, but in between will be a lot more stable time as well. So keep at it!

 

Oh, and it is natural to feel like you want the ex to contact you, for him to break NC first, etc even if you don't think a relationship is healthy for you right now. I feel the same, and often think it would be satisfying to get a message from the ex. I don't think this is a healthy mindset, but it will fade in time. As you mentioned, and from previous experience, getting a message from the ex plays havoc with your emotions so it is better to just keep on rolling with NC, seeing the progress.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks Rich! It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling these crazy ride of emotions!

 

I want to contact him SO badly but I'm holding off! I'm too aftaid of no response tbh, and also I just don't want to ruin any of my progress.

 

I guess I'm just feeling sad that he hasn't reached out. It's like I've helped him to just forget me and made everything easier for him

 

But I will stay strong and not contact him. I guess the longer I do NC for the more the realisation sets in that he won't be contacting me either.

[rich46]

I guess I'm just feeling sad that he hasn't reached out. It's like I've helped him to just forget me and made everything easier for him

Again, natural feelings.

 

1. I doubt he has forgotten you.

2. If he has, then the feelings were in no way strong enough to make a success of it anyway.

3. You have to trust that NC is a win-win scenario. Most importantly, as you are slowly realising even at this early stage, is that it empowers you, clears your head and enables healing to take place. Secondly, it may well make it easier for him now, but if he has/had strong feelings for you, then his emptiness will come eventually, maybe months and months down the line...but only if you stick to complete NC. If he doesn't experience that emptiness, then again, it would never have worked long term anyway.

 

Keep it up! 9 or 10 weeks for me and feeling really good!

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks Rich, really appreciate your responses and support.

 

Don't know why but today/tonight has been one of the harder days I've had in a while. I am really missing him at the moment.

[rich46]

Thanks Rich, really appreciate your responses and support.

 

Don't know why but today/tonight has been one of the harder days I've had in a while. I am really missing him at the moment.

My pleasure.

 

Is it because it is a Sunday? That is, or certainly was, the most difficult day for me as that is when I would usually be in Tokyo with her. What have you been doing today? Try to keep busy, and do something that lifts you up, builds your self-esteem, etc.

[blanco]

It's normal. I've been limited contact for a little over three weeks and strict NC for a little over two. It's easily the longest we've gone with no communication since I met her almost four years ago. It's strange to know she's out there and we have zero interaction, but I know it's best for both of us.

 

I've had the ups and downs, too. I felt pretty great Thursday and Friday, but had a dream about her that night and spent a lot of yesterday feeling down. I'm at the point, though, where I know I just miss the IDEA of her. If I'm with friends, I don't find myself thinking that much about her, so I know it's just general loneliness that has me feeling sour.

 

I'm in the same boat regarding her contacting me. For me, I think it's just a continuation of the validation I felt I needed from her during our relationship. I don't want to resume the relationship, but there I haven't had a day yet where a small part of me didn't want her to get a hold of me.

 

Still, I know that's a bad idea. I'm making progress and I assume she's still very much with the new guy. Interaction at this stage would be a disaster.

[LovelyDani87]

You will get those feelings often but with time things will get easier to cope with. Stop counting the days of not contacting him and just live your life. Not contacting someone is not proving anything to them your only proving to yourself that you have accepted reality and have moved forward with healing. Don't drive yourself crazy by over thinking "no contact". Just know he has your number and if wanted to call/text he would. Stay strong!

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks everyone. Idk what is wrong with me these past few days. I want to contact him SO badly but the fear of either no response or a bad response is stopping me... which I think is probably a good thing right now.

 

I felt like I was getting better but now I feel like I am going backwards.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that even if I did contact him, it hasn't really been long enough I guess for either of us to clear our heads (maybe his is, idk, but I don't think mine is).

 

I want to atleast make it to my next counselor appointment which is in two weeks so I can see how I feel then.

 

I just feel like I need to really have a big cry but it's not coming out?

[rich46]

Thanks everyone. Idk what is wrong with me these past few days. I want to contact him SO badly but the fear of either no response or a bad response is stopping me... which I think is probably a good thing right now.

 

I felt like I was getting better but now I feel like I am going backwards.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that even if I did contact him, it hasn't really been long enough I guess for either of us to clear our heads (maybe his is, idk, but I don't think mine is).

 

I want to atleast make it to my next counselor appointment which is in two weeks so I can see how I feel then.

 

I just feel like I need to really have a big cry but it's not coming out?

Yeah it sometimes does feel like we are going backwards when we hit a bump in the recovery, but it is all part of the process...the down days are the ones when healing is taking place through reflection, and your mind is processing what has gone on. So roll with it and yes, a cry will help (although I have only had one tiny cry ever since the break up, so not sure how you can force it out....maybe watch a sad movie?).

[BrookeHx]

Your doing great.

 

I'm just short of three months since the break up and I haven't felt this strong and happy in a long time.

 

My ex started trying to make small talk three times this week and for the first time I wasn't bothered. I didn't need his attention any more. I realised I was fine without him and that I deserve better.

 

You will get there I promise it just takes time. Don't be so hard on yourself either. Take each day at a time and remember your important too.