11 days NC today... feeling okay!

[Heartbrok3n445]

11 days NC today. I've actually found it quite easy I think due to the fact that the last time I contacted him he ignored me!

 

I'm having urges though... except I know that contacting him will bring me nothing but further setbacks. Sometimes I type out what I would say in my phone then just delete it. Is that weird?

 

I just keep reminding myself of the last time I msg'd him over facebook... I was begging him to just tell me 'it's DONE for good' and he kept seeing my msgs but wasn't responding. Literally seeing them as I sent them but nothing. I was almost hoping he'd just block me just so I could feel some sort of doneness (not a word but anyway).

 

As in my previous post he made a comment about how happy he is being single so that kind of kicked me in the butt a bit... made me miserable as well.

 

I have okay days and really bad days. Not too many good days yet. I'm getting more use to the break up now.

 

11 days of NC feels like weeks, and almost a month BU feels like 3 months! It's like time is going sooo slowly.

 

I'm starting to have those realisation feelings of if he hasn't contacted me yet he most likely won't contact me at all.

 

I guess I'm just going through the stages. I'm sick at the moment so hoping to get better so I can get back to the gym.

 

I've slacked off in my life. This BU has really hit me much more than I ever expected. Although one thing that I've actually taken from this is that I now appreciate things a lot more... kind of like nothing can be as bad or painful as what I've gone through so nothing is thaaat bad. I don't know.

 

When I feel fine I honestly believe he will regret how he treated me and try to get me back... but then I try to remind myself that that will never happen so I can crush that hope. But it's a natural thought that just sits there and I can't explain why.

 

That's why I look at his fb, or allow people to tell me things, because I think that it will help crush my 'hope'.

 

My friends are telling me to just chill and allow myself to relax and jusr FEEL whatever I'm feeling without questioning it 24/7 or thinking negatively 24/7 (although I call it being realistic).

 

I'm going to try that... and hopefully with time I will get better and the hope or whatever feeling I feel about him coming back will just go away.

 

BUT the point is... I'm trying! I'm not moping, I'm keeping myself busy, and I am feeling a tiny bit better AND I'm sticking to NC!

[rich46]

Hey,

 

Been following your story and so pleased that you are finding strength and making great progress! It is a slow process, and you will have good days and bad days, but over time the good days will increase and the bad days will become rarer. Go with it! The healing process is not linear...it is up and down up and down, but while you stay in NC then the general direction will be up!

 

I think I quoted an old post for you last week, and below is another one from the same poster (not stalking him!!). Honestly though, he spoke a lot of sense when he frequented these boards, so I have read a lot and gained so much insight. Here is one about the passage of time for dumpers and dumpees...might explaining why 11 days of NC feels like a lifetime. Two months for me, and yeah it seems more like six months plus:

 

 

 

This reply was interesting too:

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks Rich! They are some interesting posts.

 

Do you feel a lot stronger after two months than you did before?

 

I'm so confused with how I'm feeling sometimes with everything. I'm an over analyser and over thinker, always have been, and it's definitely come out a lot more during this break up!

 

I want to allow myself to just chill and feel okay... but with that comes that sense/feeling of 'knowing' that he will want me back (regardless of whether I was to go back or not), then I over analyse and over think why I feel that way and remind myself that it is probably false hope and then I just feel down and confused again.

 

I keep reminding myself of the comments that were said on his fb about how great it was to be single, etc to try and be realistic.

 

My head/mind is crazy!

[rich46]

Thanks Rich! They are some interesting posts.

 

Do you feel a lot stronger after two months than you did before?

 

I'm so confused with how I'm feeling sometimes with everything. I'm an over analyser and over thinker, always have been, and it's definitely come out a lot more during this break up!

 

I want to allow myself to just chill and feel okay... but with that comes that sense/feeling of 'knowing' that he will want me back (regardless of whether I was to go back or not), then I over analyse and over think why I feel that way and remind myself that it is probably false hope and then I just feel down and confused again.

 

I keep reminding myself of the comments that were said on his fb about how great it was to be single, etc to try and be realistic.

 

My head/mind is crazy!

Certainly feels like it in the initial days and weeks, but nobody is crazy here...we are legitimately going through the grieving process, and of course it is not going to be easy. Probably a majority of posters on these forums share the 'overanalyse' trait, otherwise we probably wouldn't have searched for "break up forum" on google in the first place. So relax, you are no different to anyone else here...we have all been through the exact same thing, and most probably sstill are or they wouldn't still be here in all likelihood.

 

I live in Japan and am quite isolated, so it was difficult in the beginning, but skyping my family in the initial few weeks got me through it, as well as gradually looking ahead to the future possibilities. previous experience of going through break ups has made me stronger too. My first break up in 2004...well, I will never get as bad as that again.

 

So to answer your question, yeah I feel sooooo much better and stronger now. The panic has gone. I remember my heart beating so hard in the first few days of NC, making it very difficult to sleep. Had to physically take deep breaths to try and relax myself. But slowly getting out and about, travelling, making plans, has made me start to restore my self confidence, and exercise has helped as well as I am already seeing the benefits. Not going to lie though, I still think and wonder about my ex a lot, but the sadness that comes with these thoughts has reduced drastically since eight weeks ago, and slowly I am beginning to almost pity her for what she has thrown away.

 

Chin up!

[Katryn]

I get where you're coming from, I went thorugh the same thing last summer.

 

I went full on NC. I haven't contacted him since, neither has he. But have heard through acquaintances that he has been missing me (drunk talk). He ended the relationship on vague terms. But in a way it made things easier, I just didn't see him as the person I fell in love with. I mean come on, we were together 4+ years, so the least you could do is be honest, but he couldn't do that. Maybe there was someone else, maybe not, I have no idea and nor do I care anymore.

 

It DOES get better and easier, believe me! Don't mask your emotions, deal with them.. went for a while, cry if you need to. I started feeling "normal" about 3 months after the break-up. I have a new boyfriend and I am happy.

 

Take it as life lesson and move on. : )

[Heartbrok3n445]

Wow 4+ years and couldnt even give you an honest explanation? I will never understand why people who supposedly love/d us can't respect us enough to be honest with us!

 

I am trying to change the things I feel I needed to change, and would like him to know/see that but idk how he would be able to when I'm NC. I'm hoping NC shows him that I am moving on with my life and not waiting around, but sometimes I honestly believe he doesn't even notice I'm not contacting him! Lol

 

I do hope I get the opportunity to actually have him contact me and want to talk/meet up so I am able to say what I would like to as I know sending a msg will be pointless as he wont read it anyway because it would be quite long - plus I think the only way he'd really listen is if it was in person anyway.

 

Tonight I kind of feel like even if he came back I really dont think I could go back. Not just because of the way he's treated me but because I really dont want the type of relationship I'd have if I went back. Before it was just the first reason, but now the second one is becoming more clear.

 

Maybe this is the start of me moving on!

[TownPrincess]

11 days NC today. I've actually found it quite easy I think due to the fact that the last time I contacted him he ignored me!

 

"When a relationship ends, your interest isn't returned, or you're dealing with a commitment-shy person, the sense of rejection that results tends to cause us to continue to engage with them for attention and validation in the hope of a happy ending. Instead we create more pain for ourselves and are unable to move on."

 

Reference: The No Contact Rule: by Natalie on May 14,2007

 

Ah, the sweet NC rule... relationships are hard to make work in today's society. Idk why people like to play so many head games I can relate as I (40F) am in a relationship with a man (39m) who doesn't have a whole lot of emotion and is not always a cuddly person and I am. I also do things backwards which is a bad habit, lol. When I don't talk to my boyfriend for a while (NC), I start to feel like myself again and then BAM he contacts me. It's weird and I've thought ALOT about breaking it off for good as he is pretty toxic. But I always have faith and pray because people CAN change but ya don't want to waste too much of your life and heart on someone that might be just using you until something better comes along. I guess that is why I said relationships are hard to make work in today's society. It seems like I see the same sort of problems. Back in the day say (30-40 years ago). Things were different. We didn't have all this technology and distraction and many things that are accepted in today's society weren't even heard of. I hope things work out for you my friend, and I am sorry you are going through this. Keep your head up sweetie, things will get better. Time heals all wounds. Also, the NC rule does help

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks for your responses!

 

I am definitely struggling with NC today - I really feel the urge to contact him today but am holding back. I just want to message him explaining things and say that I'm changing and that he needs to realise that he wasn't great either. I know I can't do that but I realllllllly want to.

 

I even have this feeling that he would reply but I don't want to risk it. I don't want to ruin all this time of NC.

 

I feel like he is forgetting me and that he will never talk to me again, and I'll never get to tell him some things that I still have on my chest.

 

I need to stick to NC. 12 days today!

[rich46]

 

I even have this feeling that he would reply but I don't want to risk it. I don't want to ruin all this time of NC.

 

I feel like he is forgetting me and that he will never talk to me again, and I'll never get to tell him some things that I still have on my chest.

Even if he did reply, it wouldn't mean a great deal at such an early stage. You both need lots of time in NC to figure out your emotions.

 

I sympathise with your feelings of thinking he will forget you, as I have had those feelings today as well, after two months NC. I never get tempted to break NC though, for many reasons.

 

One such reason that I have read about is that after a break up, the dumper sees the dumpee as a threat, someone who is trying to pull him back to a painful time. This just causes him to pull away even more. It may seem abnormal to pull away, ignore, be angry, shut off completely, etc etc but if you think about it, it is human nature to react in such a way when there is a potential threat. Survival! Ignore! Run away!

 

Only after weeks and more likely months have passed might he begin to reevaluate, and the threat may then diminish somewhat. Only then might he re-establish contact, but if he does so and you haven't moved on in your life, made a better version of yourself, showed strength of character...well, it won't work the second time. And if he never reestablishes contact? Then it was never meant to be, and the new and improved version of yourself will be ready to find someone better.

[Katryn]

But what does it matter what he thinks anymore? If you want change, great, you're doing it for yourself, not for him. And stating that you want NC to show him that you're not waiting around, when in fact in that mindset you are.

I started feeling better when I stopped proving "something" to my ex - Facebook tags, check-in's and pictures of me dolled up, it was just a mask of showing how well I coped with the break-up, when in fact I wasn't doing well.

 

Heal, keep your head up and know that you're worth the best.. stop fussing about him and just take babysteps towards a better future. : )

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thank you Rich! It's true, not enough time has passed anyway. I guess I just think if I said what I was thinking then it might make him realise?

 

And I think because it feels so much longer to me its different than it would be for him.

 

I don't want to set myself back again. Hopefully me sticking with NC will show him I've changed, as it eill show him I'm no longer reacting or panicking, etc.

 

I also know that if he were to realise anything that he needs time, and maybe he needs more than four weeks! Lol

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks Katryn! I know I shouldnt care but it's hard not too!

 

I am feeling better than usual though which is good! And I have not broken NC and feel confident that I will be able to stick to it!

 

We do have a joint loan that we werent able to split at rhe start of the break up. Eventually, we will need to be in contact to try and split it again (its quite a long term loan). But I'm trying not to worry about that yet.

[rich46]

I guess I just think if I said what I was thinking then it might make him realise?

This is a completely normal reaction as we try to convince ourselves to make contact! You are doing great though...it starts to feel empowering when you get to certain milestones, like a month NC, then two months, etc.

 

Regarding this apparent need to explain to him, I always remember a phrase that I read on here that compares trying to reason with a recent dumper as "negotiating with death" - you will not win! Even if you make complete sense, it will just push him away further. In fact, reading one thread on here had a dumper commenting that the more sense the dumpee made, the more it pushed the dumper away! Goes against logic, but that is the way it is.

 

Time and space for both of you