My story + needing advice

[tengu]

Hello! I'm new to this forum thing. After browsing through various "ex bf recovery" help websites , I decided I needed a more personal approach. So I decided to join this website in hope of some insight on various things I'm currently struggling with. With my self and my Ex relationship.

 

How we met/Got together> met my ex when I was 15 my freshman year, he was a senior and just turned 18 when we started to become friends. I was getting over my first bf still (we only dated a week....my poor freshman girl heart. lmao.) mind you this was like maybe 2 or 3 months after. Let's call my current ex B. We met through this crazy guy who was a mutual friend. (who we ended up both not wanting to be friends with in the end lol) This happened through the last half of the school year and our friendship dragged into summer. B really liked me , like a love at first sight type deal but he was a REALLY shy and passive person , and with also still having feelings for first bf , I honestly didn't like him romantically, or was even attracted to him. We got closer throughout the summer and it started to show that B really....liked me. He was extremely clingy and it bothered me a lot since I was involved or had my thoughts elsewhere. (my how the tables have turned) I would have denied it then, but I started to develop feelings for him as well since he was genuinely kind to me and really seemed to care about me. However, I kept pushing those feelings away because I was still hurt and had trust issues from my first relationship. I also kind of felt like he was being a coward and if he really liked me, he would be more aggressive or actually try to ask me out in person. Sophomore year is coming around and there was this guy, L , who liked me as well as he was my classmate and he asked me to homecoming , now while I started to develop feelings for B , I wasn't 100% sure about him since I was still in denial of my feelings about him. So I went to homecoming with L. We ended up going out for about a month which broke B's heart. I felt awful and realized that I don't really like L because he didn't treat me right and started to go back to B. I ended it with L and then B finally asked me out in person (didn't give up on me) and we got together. That was the start of our 4 year relationship. B was my first serious relationship and my first for many things.

 

Our Relationship>He spoiled me a lot and I honestly didn't respect him as much as I should have but I was young and stupid. I'm still looking back at the small things and I'm honestly kind of dissapointed in myself for how I acted most of the relationship. The first 2 years weren't so bad , I don't recall having actual fights or anything but there were issues where he had to move to his dad's place which caused distance and he needed a job. It caused friction but we still fought for each other and he tried his best to make it work out. This is B's first relationship btw. I don't remember how long the "honey-moon phase" for him initially lasted. maybe a bit more than a year. I could have sworn he wanted to marry me when we first started dating....which I think the pressure of it over time started to damage my feelings for the relationship since I was not ready for that commitment. (I'm in high school-transitioning into getting my life together ....like....wat) around the 2nd year in our relationship or sometime in between, there was an incident with a coworker that had issues with. This new girl got hired into his job and they became friends (he didn't have many friends because he never connected with people from high school. so he mainly had me and coworkers as friends and my friends occasionally.) I was a little jealous because this girl was really pretty... and I wasn't going to stop him from hanging out with her or anything but I started to make myself insecure and say like , "oh, why don't you just go out with her now"...like... it was so stupid of me. The time that really ed me up was when him and his coworkers were planning to go cosmic bowling, which was cool. but later that night when I was talking with him , I found out that his other coworkers bailed, so it was just him and her. ALONE. 2am going bowling. I don't even know if he really had feelings for her but she was pretty and new so maybe that's why I felt so upset over this. He lied about other people being there because he wanted to go and didn't want me to be mad.

I was arguing with how I felt about it with him and this was the first time he has said anything about wanting to break up with me , but we continued to talk and fix things. Of course, things only went downhill from here, and I let my anxiety and insecurities talk for me.

 

it was also from that point that I realized how much I actually wanted to be with him.... because my feelings for him were so strong. I just started to have issues with trusting him, I was also dependent on him because I don't have my driving license. I was in this weird transitioning part of my life where I was getting out of high school and needing to find a job and go to college. It put a LOT of stress on me, and I took out so much on him and wasn't very understanding when he was going through issues as well. I can tell just from looking through old conversations with B. We had SO many communication problems. I had so many of my own problems that I didn't know how to deal with. I put all of that weight on him and it was messed up. I would be fighting with him, he wouldn't really fight back but push it aside or not be responsive. He would make up with me and everything would seem fine but the cycle would continue. He was meeting new people online and getting his own social life and I was just getting worse and feeling worse but blaming it on him. when really, it was all me. Despite everything he was still able to make me feel better and support me. I appreciate that so much from him, words can not express how greatful I am for him dealing with all the I put him through. Even now I want to cry just thinking about it.

 

now getting to the actual break up, we hit the 4 year mark and everything seemed to settle and things were ok, though the on and off one sided fights still occurred, I was still selfish as ever. People were asking me where this relationship was headed, which is reasonable. considering we have been together for a LONG time. I never knew what to say , because I always thought of it logically. I really hate getting asked whether he was "the one" or about marriage. I don't even want to think about moving out right now, I don't have the financial stability or funds to do that. I'm not ready. I loved him, but like, love doesn't pay bills. Things cost money, and at the time I wasn't happy with the relationship yet didn't know how to tackle the issues because I thought he would just "get it". known fact: people can't read minds. Honestly, it was hard to see a future with someone who wasn't really inspired to set his life in a direction of financial security. I want to be with someone who is responsible you know? It's ed up , because I was thinking about breaking up with him as well, and even said stuff when he was making future plans like, "if we even make it that far..." Just....so many communication...problems. We never had a serious talk about where the relationship was headed. Which made things kind of go into a limbo.

 

Breaking Up>We broke up at the end of February. Things were starting to pick up for him in his life but I was still in this emotional rut and still taking things out on him so I wasn't as supportive as I should have been.

The Saturday of the last week of February was the last time we hung out before the breakup, and it was a really ty day. He had a habit of coming over and just being on his phone playing app games and such or falling asleep which pissed me off, because it was our "US" time. but other than that I didn't think anything weird was up. The week that followed he was busy with filling out paper work for the new job he got and I was getting ready to see my friend come down to visit from another state. Then things felt more off than usual. He was planning to hangout and meet up with his online friends. He was being EXTREMELY unresponsive to me, and avoided anything regarding me asking about him when he was going to see me next. (which made me panic of course) The weekend rolls by and I just feel horrible and anxious and it's hard to eat or sleep. He was going to Vegas with his online friends (some were pretty girls. stupid insecure me) but they were going to be drinking... and I don't know his friends. He tells me about them but would avoid introducing me from them. (I can go into that more if anyone wants to know) So I didn't trust the situation...and it's not like I felt like I didn't want him to go, that would be stupid and unfair. I want him to have a good time, but I couldn't help feeling that way and that's understandable?? isn't it?

 

So I go full panic mode and call him/text him constantly to no avail. I needed to know what was going on since he wouldn't reply to literally anything. I even asked his MOM when he would be coming home because we really needed to talk. Honestly I was just planning to dump all his stuff and leave a break up letter, but I knew I couldn't be that immature. We talked and he told me that when he was talking to his friends about their relationships how he had a friend who was in a six year relationship that ended , and how he didn't want to hurt me or have more time for things to hurt more if we stayed together (which would have been the case if we continued where we were) He asked me if we had a future together or if I see a future with him. To really think about it. So much pressure all in one day, emotions were still intense as . I talked to him later that night about it some more and he was pushing me away because I was essentially begging. Things were over and I was in denial.

 

Things were so rough after that for me. I did NC and it worked, he contacted me a few times once about his grandma dying and the next was at the end of the month about bringing my stuff to me. We met up so I could get my stuff back from him and we caught up a little bit and he resisted me at first but then after warming up to me HE wanted to keep talking. I had no intentions of kissing or doing anything intimate that day, I just wanted to chat. When I was letting him go , He just stared at me and I felt like he wanted to hug goodbye, so we hugged but he held me there....for so long. He was shaking, and his heart was beating so hard. I was so confused and not expecting it. He then kissed me and I resisted at first but gave in (clearly I still want him) and one thing led to another but it didn't feel right. I didn't want that stuff to happen but it did and later that night I get a message from him about how he thinks things still won't work out and how he is talking to someone else and doesn't want to "lose this chance". So I get mad, feel disrespected and not even over the fact that there is another girl, it's not my business, but like...why would he do that if he is talking with someone?

that blows over, I tell him it was a mistake and we can move on from it, I still wanted to hangout with him and he said he still wanted to hangout with me. The second time we hungout there was a lot of silence , on his end and things just feel kind of awkward but I was trying to make things not awkward but no help from him? I admit to being pretty emotional but it was about something else. later that day he was talking with me and he asked me about our relationship, I told him that I had to go to work soon and it wasn't the right time to talk about it. But he insisted, so all I did was apologize for the way I have been and told him how much I appreciated all the things he has done for me and has put up with. How I feel like he is very important to me and how he inspires me to be a better person.

So that's that , and after we chat a few times about the situation I was stressing over (doctor related) and everything seems fine. I bring up wanting to hangout again and we try to set up a date. So we settled on one and the day comes around and he bails because his stomach was upset when he woke up.(we were going to get breakfast, this didn't bother me because his stomach had issues when we were in a relationship so it wasn't to unheard of. I wasn't as forgiving back then though LOL) He says we should reschedule, so we do. that day comes around, no response from him for like a whole day. I leave the message with open to reply, asking him to tell me when a good day would be for him. He responds saying sorry, he was busy etc. and ends it saying he doesn't know when a good day would be for him. So I kind of back off and just talk about other things.

 

Now here is where I need your input. I understand why he may be avoiding hanging out, I'm not a priority so I won't force him to see me. I'm just worried that I have been too emotional the last few times we hung out, but I made sure not to beg for him or anything like that. I was mainly upset over the doctor situation. Right now wouldn't be a good time to get back together for me regardless so I'm glad we are just working on being friends.

I don't know if B is still talking to that one girl he told me about, So I'm not sure if his lack of response is stemming from that or avoiding seeing me. When I say lack of response. I mean content of his replies. He usually always responds at some point or another it just takes a long time. (like a whole day or two.) he will reply 2-3 times if I respond and then silence. He doesn't reply with one word responses but there is no excitement, which I guess I should be expecting.

I make sure my messages aren't too long, but not too short because to me, it seems really boring/pointless. I'm not sure how he is feeling so I don't know how to gauge things. Or be more into his personal life if he will even let me in.

I'm going to try a different approach and see where it goes. slow progress is just hard to deal with and slightly discouraging. I'm sure a lot of you guys can relate.

 

So that's my current ex situation.

 

Personal Advice> I would also like to know how to get out of an emotional rut. I'm kind of "trapped" right now in my life because I still don't have my license so I can't go out and do things I need/want to do. I'm working on it but the DMV sucks so its kind of on hold till next month. I also have a hard time focusing my energy on myself and fixing things with my inner conflicts/issues. Focusing too much on getting my ex back which is good but I know its also not helping me get him back.... you know? Like if I were to explain it, I'm too "boring" ??? Since I lost myself in my relationship , I need to get that back. But focusing all my energy into this makes this the only current thing I'm about, So hanging out with B in person will be awkward, because I'm not doing anything, thus making me boring. Other than that , I work , and hangout with friends occasionally...but not motivated enough for myself, which is really important because I do want to change.

 

I would take walks and stuff after we broke up but I kind of stopped. I'm going to start walking again. I need to fix my bad habits, and when I get my license I'm planning on going to therapy and maybe get a gym membership or something! what have you guys done that helps you bring yourself back to YOU? I think I have a form of depression because doing things I like to do just seem really hard or I just DON'T do them. It's been getting hard to get out of bed as well.

taking the time to write this stuff out was hard too! So I feel like I'm accomplishing something by coming to this site! If you managed to read this far, thank you! ask any questions if you have any, I would type more but my mind is all over the place at this point and my hands are tired.... u _ u

[mhowe]

Your ex is done...and hanging out won't bring him back. And it sounds like he has developed an I terest in another girl which is why he is hesitant to hang out anymore with you.

 

As to your rut...you aren't depressed, you are just a bit lazy. Because you have been focusing your energy on the ex situation you've let everything else slide. So...make a list of things you want to get done before July 4th and get to it. Its hard to have find a bf if you are kinda boring to be with.

 

Chin up and focus on making a great summer happen.