my tale

[Duarts]

So here's my story...this could easily go into the shy forum, as I am as shy as they come. I met a girl at a bar about 3 months ago, and we connect! I'm never able to talk to ... anyone, especially not girls...but I can talk to her. I get her number and am able to call her. Our connection is still strong over the few times we talked before hanging out again. I know she has to have felt it...she was wanting me to go with her to a wedding in her hometown (about 3 hours away) after we had only talked on the phone a few times and had only seen each other twice (stupid me didn't go with her though.) She was the one who kissed me first too...the 3rd time we saw each other.

 

I'm 20 and had never had a girlfriend, never done anything with a girl (like I said...extremely shy).

She's 22, was engaged until about a year before we met.

 

Well, I wanted to be with her all the time...I called her often, we end up just talking and I'm not able to ask her to come over or anything...we live less than 5 minutes from each other, and she's only been over like 5 times, and I've been over there about the same (over the course of ~3 months.) Yeah, so I'm pretty slow...but the times we shared together were great... Well, the past few weeks I could tell she was less interested in me. She'd be gone for a week and didn't call at all…and the last time I went over she was kind of leaning the other way on the couch...and when she would do something showing affection (putting her leg on mine) she'd quickly pull away. So it's been coming for awhile, but last Friday she officially told me that we shouldn't have a relationship anymore...she's trying to deal with school right now wouldn't have much time for me...she says "she has a fear of commitment and long term relationships" and what-not (due to what her ex-fiance did to her)...and she says we could still be friends and hang out sometimes...

 

She's the only girl I've ever liked enough to pursue despite my extreme shyness…I'm not sure if I love her…she'd be my first love so I may be mistaking feelings...but honestly, when I wake up in the mornings to my alarm, she's the first thing I think of before I can even shut off my alarm. I gave her a letter saying how much her friendship would mean to me since I haven't had many people in my life that I could talk to…

 

So now I need other people's opinions…I don't want to be "that guy" …should I just leave it alone since she doesn't want to be with me, or should I call once in awhile and try to stay good friends (since that really would make me happier than never talking to her again…or at least not often, we may randomly bump into each other sometime), or should I tell her how I really feel (possibly hurting chances of even a friendship).

 

also, one more thing...in an email she wrote "Anyhoo, I just wanted to let you know a bit more about how I felt and let you know that I still think that you are a fabulous guy I just don't think we're right for each other..."

where I think we're almost perfect for eachother...but then again, I probably know a lot more about her than she does me, since she talks more than me (as most girls do)

[Celadon]

Hi Duarts - thanks for posting. I think your situation is a tough call. First, let me say that it's always great to find someone you connect with. That's a rare thing, and we have to be thankful whenever it happens. I hope you and she can stay friends.

 

Judging from what she said to you about you two not being right for each other, I would say that the question now is...does she even want to be friends? I know, this is hard to ask, but from experience I've learned that some people only want to date the opposite sex, not be good friends with them. Or sometimes a girl will think that she's leading you on if she stays friends with you.

 

So, if you want to stay friends, you'll probably want to tell her that, in a low-pressure but positive sort of way. To be perfectly clear, you might want to let her know you totally respect how she feels and that you will always wish her the best in love. Tell her you sure could use a best woman-friend, and would like it if she'd be that person.

 

Finally, though, you have to ask yourself if you've really accepted that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you -- or if you're just hanging on hoping she'll change her mind. If you're hanging on, you might want to take a step back for a time till you feel you can be friends with her without getting overly emotionally attached.

 

Thanks again for posting. Let us know how it goes, Duarts.