Maybe someone out there can explain this?

[heartbroken23]

Hi,

 

my ex and I broke up in may of 04. We were together for about 5 years. Little over a month after we broke up, she was dating a guy, who is now her Boyfriend. Here's my question...I ended up going to Ireland in Oct. for 3 months, just got back. When she found out I was there, (I never told her, I just decided I needd to get away) she flipped out. She couldn't believ I had left. She would text me alot to see how things were, she even went as far as telling my Best Friend that she didnt know if things would work out with her new BF and she missed me, etc. She obviously knew that would end up getting back to me. She wrote m eonce saying it was sad we wouldnt be together for the holidays. This and many other things led me to believe that she was not with her BF anymore. Here they are:

 

1. She calls me crying when things were rough in her family (dad and mom seperating) Why not discuss this with new BF instead of me.

 

2. She spent New years with her friend and her friends BF (why be a third wheel? Why not with BF)

 

3. Always mentions moving to cali with her brother. (Why leave new BF behind?)

 

4. Tells my friend that she is scared that I will find someone and she'll be all alone.

 

These among many other little things led me to believe that maybe she was not with him. Before I went to Ireland I decided to cut strings with her. I told her that It was not healthy for me because I obviously still have feelings. She wa very upset and cried. Since I came back from Ireland, I saw her a couple of times and they were good. I never brought up anything relationship wise or asked about her relationship. Well today we met for lunch and had a nice time. Decided to go to her job at th gap accross the street and her boss mistook me for her BF. Thought I was him, lets very very akward and sucked big time...because it was then that I came to the realization that she is still with her BF. Was she messing with my head for the past couple of months or was this my fault for reading too much into things. I definitley think she messed with my head a little. What does anyone out there think? WHY are girls like that?

[DN]

definitely messing with your head. Cut all strings immediately. No one needs this sort of treatment.

 

She's doing it because you let her. So stop letting her.

[ForAnother]

Maybe she is afraid of losing you as a friend... you did share 5 years of your life and she spent 5 years of her life. You guys have a stronger connection than her and her "current BF." I don't think she wants you back, she wants you to stay as a friend... I have yet to see that turn into a successful friendship after breaking up. I think that there is somethign else in the air that makes your decisions and your thoughts alter that can you can't remain the same as you normally are.

 

ForAnother

[detox5]

I dont think its a friend thing, she said she was sad that you werent together at the holiday, you went away and she freaked? well if she just wanted your friendship she would be happy for you that you got away and be pleased for you, not freaking out that she wont see you again, thats strange. shes scared she will be alone forever? she cant be that serious with this guy, does he even exist? Have you met him? has anyone?

 

when you disapeared she freaked, if she IS playing games with you, well lol she might be throwing these tests at you, just keep passing them, maybe even play it back at her, get the word around that you might be going back to ireland, for like alot longer this time see how she reacts.

 

I just dont see this as a friend vibe tbh.

[DN]

IMO what she is probably doing is one or more of the following:

 

she sees you as someone she can settle for if her other relationships fail

 

it feeds her ego to feel, and probably tell her friends, that you are still not over her and that she is more important to you than you are to her

 

she likes the feeling of power/control she has over you

 

she is using you as a means to make her boyfriend jealous.

 

If it is none of the above then it is probably something as unpleasant. She is inconsiderate of your feelings at best. Why would you want to be with someone like that?I think you should find someone who deserves to be with you.

[heartbroken23]

You guys both pretty mych summed up what I thought was going on. I am a security blanket for her. She wants to have me as an option if things don't work out. Well, I guess it is my job to move on and have her see that me as an option is fading.

[lady00]

She is keeping you on the backburner so that if her current relationship doesn't work out, she thinks she can just have you. Sounds like she's playing both you and her bf. I bet her bf would be upset if he knew that she had been talking to you the way she has (her signals have gone way past just friendly). I think you need to distance yourself. If she contacts you you can either ignore her or tell her her behavior is innapropriate. either way, she doesn't deserve to have her cake and eat it too.

[heartbroken23]

Well she called me today asking if I was mad at her about her boss thinking I was her BF. I told her I wasn't mad at all, but it I told her that this was one of the reasons that I thought we shouldn't see each other too ofter. I proceded to tell her that it was also my fault for reading into things too much. Me thinking that she was single based on some of her actions. When I told her this she was very emotional and started to cry. I asked if she was upset with me or and why he was crying. She said she wasn't upset with me, but also said that she didn't know why she was crying, and that she didnt kno wwhat to say. I think she is obviously confused. Any other opinions?

[DN]

I think you should NC so that you can change your name to usedtobeheartbroken23 as soon as possible[/b]

[heartbroken23]

ha ha, thats pretty funny, and your so right.

[kipster]

After reading this post and responding to the other one I say, forget any and everything she says, just go by her behavior (i.e., what she does)

 

For instance, you noted:

 

1. She calls me crying when things were rough in her family (dad and mom seperating) Why not discuss this with new BF instead of me.

 

She's 'crying' but not 'discussing' her new BF instead of you. The way I see it is that she feels some degree of guilt, perhaps for leaving you, but her not discussing the BF to you I'd say suggests that he's INDEED still in the picture. Its like she's trying to rationalize her move by suggesting its coming from everything else but its true source....Her. Her parents breaking up, her new boyfriend, all the tea in china, etc. can't make someone do something they do not want to do. That decision to leave you was HERS and hers alone. Please do not forget that. And not mentioning her BF, IMHO says more about him being around then it does about him not being around. Believe me, if he wasn't there she'd be the first to tell you. Because she knows that wouldn't hurt you...to hear that she doesn't have a man in the picture would be something she wouldn't feel guilty about sharing. Its him still being in the picture and telling you about that which has the potential to make her feel guilty. Sometimes you learn more about a woman by what she doesn't say, than by what she does. Now's a good time to learn that.

 

You also note:

 

2. She spent New years with her friend and her friends BF (why be a third wheel? Why not with BF)

 

She TOLD YOU she spent it with these folks, but you HONESTLY and most likely don't know HOW SHE SPENT. You again are probably going by what she SAYS not by what she DOES. Just like you said, why would she NOT SPEND IT WITH THE BF? Doesn't make much sense right? And if it sounds too good to be true, it probably....IS. Believe me, she spent it with him a new man that has a month with a new woman in the 'exploration phase' is putting in overtime. Believe me. Its later on down the line that the rebound starts to withdraw or that his/her true nature surfaces and the glitz and novelty wear off, not initially. That guys still around and is in the picture, its her guilt talking not her desire to leave him for you.

 

You also note:

 

3. Always mentions moving to cali with her brother. (Why leave new BF behind?)

 

Again, that's what she says. Almost like she seeks sympathy from you as a way of easing her guilt/conscience. Like she wants you to understand that she's got alot on her plate and that her emotions are on over-drive and not to think of her as a bad person. Its like she's almost saying, "look at all the reasons I HAD TO LEAVE YOU. YOU CAN UNDERSTAND, can't you? I'm not a bad person, honest." I wouldn't buy it and think your adherence for NC will be your best weapon to a quick recovery, growth, and a future with a woman that can be honests with you and appreciate all the things that you bring to the table.

 

You then note:

4. Tells my friend that she is scared that I will find someone and she'll be all alone.

 

She's not scared of being alone. She's scared that her gamble might not work. She's more afraid of you finding someone BETTER than her, than she is of you finding someone else. Think about it, she's probably feeling guilty but yet probably more powerful now than she's ever felt when you were with her. She's got two men she perceives as desiring her and she's the center of attention given these problems she has and is expressing to everyone. Trust me, do not get SUCKED INTO this unless you will hurt far more than her. When she recovers, and she will and comes out of her well, you'll be thinking she'll remember you're words of encouragement and good times, but she'll have other plans. As I said before, if she comes back its going to be a LONG time from now and ask yourself, do you really want that kind of headache and internal strife waiting for her?

 

And finally:

 

These among many other little things led me to believe that maybe she was not with him. Before I went to Ireland I decided to cut strings with her. I told her that It was not healthy for me because I obviously still have feelings?

 

She's with him my friend...That's the assumption especially if she's not with you. And if she's not with him, she's trying to be with someone else, that's just the facts. If she wanted to be with you, which is the imporant issue, you wouldn't be on these boards so at least that one thing is clear. I commend you though for cutting those strings and urge you to continue to do so for your own progress. At a later point when you've gained insight to this sitch, then re-evaluate and assess. I think by then, however, you'll have something far greater and less stressful. And then watch how that karma will kick in....

 

Kip

[DN]

well done Kip, you nailed it.

[heartbroken23]

Kip,

 

Alot of what you said made complete sense. There is no question that she never mentioned her new BF with me. I would never have expected her to mention him to me if they were still together because that would be cruel. The part of what you said that was very confusing was the first part. When I said

When things are rough between her parents, why does she call me instead of her BF

Here I mean, why wouldn't she turn to her new BF of 7 months. He is her BFG who is supposed to be there for her. She calls me and talks to me for hours about it. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't talk about this with her BF. But all of what you said makes sense otherwise. I need to do NC and see what happens, most importantly to heal myself. Thanks

[ShuShu Fontana]

Here I mean, why wouldn't she turn to her new BF of 7 months. He is her BFG who is supposed to be there for her. She calls me and talks to me for hours about it. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't talk about this with her BF. But all of what you said makes sense otherwise. I need to do NC and see what happens, most importantly to heal myself. Thanks

 

My ex did this to me, too. He told me he felt he didn't have anyone to talk to about important things going on in his life and things that were going on with his family. This was 9 or 10 months into his new LD relationship. My first thought was, hey, you have a girlfriend! Why aren't you talking to her? And it made me want to believe they weren't that close and he felt closer to me and that it would all end soon and he would come back to me. That was over a year ago.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was emotionally cheating on me like that. And I have no assurance that he didn't do the same thing to me when I was with him.

Your post, this thread, has really opened my eyes to something that has recently become more obvious to me thanks to severly less contact with my ex. Thanks for driving home some important points about what we read into things. It makes me want to appologize to him, though I don't think I'll take it that far just yet.

Keep up the good work and know you're not alone in feeling this way.

[kipster]

Kip,

 

Alot of what you said made complete sense. There is no question that she never mentioned her new BF with me. I would never have expected her to mention him to me if they were still together because that would be cruel. The part of what you said that was very confusing was the first part. When I said

When things are rough between her parents, why does she call me instead of her BF

Here I mean, why wouldn't she turn to her new BF of 7 months. He is her BFG who is supposed to be there for her. She calls me and talks to me for hours about it. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't talk about this with her BF. But all of what you said makes sense otherwise. I need to do NC and see what happens, most importantly to heal myself. Thanks

 

HB23 I believe that its quite clear why your EX is calling you and not her new BF. She's known you for 5 years and him for only 7 months. Would you tell your most intimate secrets to someone that you just met 7 months ago? Particularly if your feelings were paramount to you, as they are to many women? She knows she can trust you, hell she knows everything about you after 5+ years. She knows you won't judge her and that you'll listen. She's yet to gain that kind of data on the new guy as of yet. Its just simply too soon plus she's probably confused with all these other developments going on in her life.

 

But at this point, I'd suggest being alittle selfish with you own feelings since you've got things in your life that are equally as important. For one, you've got some serious healing/growth/development to do to understand what changes (if any) need to be made so that the next great person that you meet gets a fair shot at the real you. And that's not easy to do. In terms of your relationship with her again, I'd say stop all contact. I know it may be therapeutic/cathartic for her, but what about what it does to you? Just in you asking questions about what she SAYS it shows that by her actions she's confusing you, since her words and actions are contradicting themselves. No contact will add some degree of clarity to your sitch by allowing you to see the forest for the trees and not jump to conclusions when she makes an effort to contact you or when she tries to share what's going on in her life. Personally, I'd let her and her new BF sort that out and I'd focus exclusively on me (or you) at this time. Seek spiritual guidance (if that's a part of your belief system) or the assistance of some trusted female friends to guide you. That is, friends that you have no romantic interest in but that you can pour into and they can pour into you in return, with no expectations outside of genuine friendship. Ask them about their relationships and about her behavior and what have been some of the pitfalls that they've run into. I'd suggest women do the same thing with male friends (although its tougher if the male is attracted to you). For me this helped me immensely and you gain a perspective that most men either don't have or aren't willing to accept.

 

Good luck though and I believe you're doing the right thing by severing contact. I wouldn't say another word to her...let her do some growing up.

 

Kip

[a.d.c.]

Hey Kipster, good looking out on all that info you gave heartbroken23. I was reading it and I was applying it to some of the things that happened in my breakup a couple of months back. It really made me see a few things in a totally different perspective.

 

Anyways you got great insight man, for real.

Keep it up, it definetely helps.

Thanks

 

PEACE

[kipster]

Hey Kipster, good looking out on all that info you gave heartbroken23. I was reading it and I was applying it to some of the things that happened in my breakup a couple of months back. It really made me see a few things in a totally different perspective.

 

Anyways you got great insight man, for real.

Keep it up, it definetely helps.

Thanks

 

PEACE

 

No problem a.d.c., I'm glad my words could be of service to you. I know when I was younger, I didn't have someone to pour into me, particularly on how to sustain meaningful relationships. So I continued to spin my wheels and have these long relationships that would fizzle out for one reason or another. When a woman gave me some insight, I'd bristle toward it and listen to other guys who weren't even in the situation that I wanted to be in (that is, men who were alone themselves). And let me save you the trouble, that doesn't work. Not to say that the advice that every woman gives is golden, but the key is to get advice from those that are seasoned and in the type of relationship that you desire. Observe people outside, look at how happy couples touch each other, how they talk to each other, etc. Its just funny how often we (men and women) will put fourth effort into other pursuits (e.g., sports, art, work) but when it comes to our relationship we think its of the 'instant' variety. Relationships take work and you learn far more by listening than by doing in them.

 

As a man, you must be able to read your woman. Know when she's upset, know what makes her happy......STUDY HER. And women, do the same with your man...You'll be amazed at what you'll learn and you'll learn to appreciate them for their uniqueness and not take them for granted...

 

Hope it helps...

[heartbroken23]

Man this girl is definitley confused I think. I called yesterday just to put some closure to the issue (did't think the emails we had were good enough). I basically told her that I wanted her to be happy, but at the same rate I needed to be, and that meant me not wanting to be friends at this point in time. I told her my opinions of her (afraid to be alone, not over me yet, etc). I was not being rude or trying to play myself up in any way at all here, it was me just telling her my opinion based on her actions. I told her that she hasn't been single since before we met (here I mean whenever we broke up, she was in the arms of someone else very quickly, hence not being able to be alone). She agreed with me 100% this time. She said I know her more than anyone else, she said she does miss me, she said that she thinks about me everyday, and also that she is not over me. She also said she fears that I will be "engaged in 6 months". Have no idea where that came from as i am not with anyone right now. I also mentioned the fact that I will not jump into a relationship until I feel I am ready. I said I have dated and will continue to do so, but will not take it to the next level until I know in my heart that I am ready. By chance I asked her hesitantly (for fear the answer would be yes) if she loved him. She said no, and they don't exchange I love you's. That was a relief to me, but I know that may not mean much of anything.

 

I am sticking to my guns about doing the NC. I am not expecting her to just come back to me, but from our conversation, I was happy that alot of the questions I had were confirmed. If anyone has there own thoughts on this, please feel free to comment.

[heartbroken23]

Can anyone else make out what is up with my ex?

[heartbroken23]

anyone??

[Universe]

Just give it some time. Relax. Get on with your life. Focus on making yourself happy. Pretend it's totally over and you're living as you would as if there were no chance for reconciliation whatsoever.

After 2-4 weeks, if you think you can handle hanging out with her, call her. If she calls in the meantime, then it depends on how strong you feel at the time. Whether you want to get over her or get her back, you have to move on with your life as if she's gone for good.

[heartbroken23]

Well thats the advice I plan on taking, but I know it will be a very long time until I am ready to hang out with her. It hurts too much when I do. But my question is what was up with what she told me when we talked on the phone, i.e. She is not over me, thinks about me everyday, misses me, loves me, and does not love her new bf? (after 7 months). I know I may be totally taking what she said the wrong way, but what do any of you guys think?

[panchala23]

going through something similar like you if you check my posts. she says she is still in love with me and all of that but had some sort of relationship with this other guy that she really liked, but at the same time doesnt want to be with me. don't read anything into it beyond that. there is a reason she broke up with you, and she is obviously going to miss you and still love you. its not like she is a terrible person, she is just doing what she feels is best for her, and us as people that love them have to watch them do it. she does care for you and will care for you, but a relationship is much more than that. its hard but try and just shut the door, i am trying to do it. its great that we want to be with them forever, but thats not the way they see it, ya know? i still have an eery feeling we will be together but that is something we will just have to see about.