I'm easily attached.

[TheChosenOne1]

So i'm new to this whole thing. I usually don't tell anyone anything. Not even over the internet. but i'm trying to make some changes in life and i figure this could help.

 

I'm not comfortable disclosing my age, so lets just say early 20's. I live in the United Kingdom. oh and i'm male.

My problem is that i find myself getting attached to people EXTREMELY easy, I don't know whether it's related to bad experiences with my mom not doing well in marriage when i was younger. or whether it's because i've never had a serious relationship, but always wanted one. I guess it could also be stress from work, (I'm in the British Army) As sometimes i feel like i need to tell someone my problems but don't have anyone to turn to. I guess i could tell my family, but then i would appear weak. and to my family i have always been a role model, or a rock to them. However being a rock to so many people means i cant tell people stuff, which in turn makes me extremely lonely. So i guess the loneliness in my job and home life could also be a factor in this attachment problem.

 

So i'm not sure why i have this problem. This is one of many problems i have, but this is one of the most important to me. I guess a few examples could help?

 

A few years back, i met this girl through a family friend. She was amazing. we dated for a month, but at the time i found myself worrying too much on her, and not my own career (i was in the midst of joining the army) So i called it off, respectfully of course. Ever since then i have had the odd 'one night stand' or the odd, short, relationship. And everyone i've been in these short relationships with or had these 'flings' with, I find myself getting attached very quickly. It worries me.

 

Recently i started speaking to a girl from Norway. We have a lot in common! and i think she's wonderful. ( i think i'm attached to her to much too) So it would be a long distance relationship, if it ever got to that point. The point is, it's only been a few weeks. and i'm already thinking about visiting her and things like that. To me, that's overly attached after a couple weeks.

 

So does anyone have any theories on why this 'attachment' scenario keeps happening to me? Responses will be appreciated, If you think i'm being dumb, or childish please feel free to say so. All criticism will be taken as constructive criticism. Thanks

[alli]

First of all, you are not a rock. A rock isn't human. Everyone has feelings. Everyone needs someone to turn to, to express both good and bad feelings to.

 

Have you heard of Chris Kyle? Considered the most lethal (or one of the most lethal) US snipers ever. Even he struggled with functioning at home between his deployments. No one can handle everything in life without emotional support.

 

I think you might just be feeling especially attached in romantic relationships because you don't have any other emotional support. Try opening up to your family members more. Start slow of course & see how they react. You might be surprised. I hope your family is able to support you. If not, do you have any friends you can turn to? Or counselors in the Army?

[catfeeder]

So does anyone have any theories on why this 'attachment' scenario keeps happening to me? Responses will be appreciated, If you think i'm being dumb, or childish please feel free to say so. All criticism will be taken as constructive criticism. Thanks

 

No, you're not being dumb, just extreme. It likely has to do with your inclination to withhold from friends and family--so the women you find attractive become 'targets' for projecting all of your withheld needs.

 

If you can find one confidant, preferably a therapist, clergy or someone older with some psychology background, you may want to explore your association of shame with vulnerability. That's why you cover yours up.

 

People tend to never discuss with anyone the things we're most ashamed of. You've taken such a broad brush to this that you've closed yourself off from typical human disclosure. By closing yourself up you create a pressure cooker for emotions and fantasy, and you've brewed these up to the level of suffering while keeping yourself lonely and cut off from any reasonable outlets to channel such energies.

 

You recognize the problem, which is good, but learning how to manage it may best be served by hiring a professional who has spent years studying this stuff and is trained to help people unlock the places where we get stuck.

 

This would be a worthwhile investment, not only in terms of developing balanced social skills, but also in relieving the deep loneliness that burdens you. It can help you to avoid inappropriately 'dumping' your focus into every prospective GF you meet--and considering that most people, just by nature of odds, are NOT our best match, this can spare you a lot of heartache and prevent you from frightening off potentially 'good' romantic matches.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.