The blame game

[Cidmercury]

My fiancé turns into a child when he can't figure something out or it he doesn't like what's happened..

So in the past he blames me. There was a hole in our trampoline and he said it was from a cigarette(I'm the smoker) so he blew up blamed it on me and I fought back told him it was impossible because I don't throw the smoke butts out in that direction... Anyways big fight and he finally realized that the hole was from when he decided to start smoking joints.. In the bathroom and ashing out the window... So he stubbornly apologized..

We had to move the BBQ up 4 concrete stairs.. The BBQ has wobbly wheels on it and it's a huge heavy BBQ.. I was at the bottom of the stairs and he was at the top.. Something happened and it fell down and slide down these 4 stairs and once again he blew up at me said I turned it or pulled it and did whatever and we had a big yelling match to the point where I said fine do it by yourself then and stepped back to watch. And what do you know.. He did it by himself and the same thing happened it rolled and fell down the stairs and he stubbornly apologized(if you can even call it an apology)

Well today he had to take his mothers Xmas present back because it has some defects.. He couldn't find the receipt and again it turned into a screaming match of him saying over and over again that I did it, I lost it I threw it out. It wasn't him so must have been me... This went on for 20 minutes and turned into yelling and swearing so I gave up and told him to go by himself.. So then he got irritated by that and told me to let it go.. Still began repeating in different words that it was me who lost it or whatever. I asked for an apology and to stop blaming it on me and he said no there's nothing he did wrong and no need to say sorry and I'm the one who should be sorry for my childish behaviour and attitude... WHAT???

Am I alone on this or is this ridiculous am I in the wrong for being fed up with this?? Should I have just layed down and taken the blame??

It's his receipt.. I don't throw any of his stuff out because he just hordes it and it turns into a pile of papers and receipts.. The most I do is organize and make it look neat.. I wouldn't have thrown it out.. Not to mention the purchase was in early December so months have passed how does he not know that maybe he did something with it maybe it's in his car some were which is also full of garbage and reciepts and papers, or a jacket/pants pocket somewhere AND we have also moved since then. Soo..I tried to point all that out to him and he just denies that those are possibilities and it just HAS to be my fault.

[Willywagtail]

Um, I think you both need to slow down and have a long talk. Not when one of these situations arises!

 

It sounds as if he can't control his reactions and emotions and then you respond defensively to this. The first thing I would suggest, is that you try and control your defensiveness. Just let him yell and carry on without responding. Walk away or go to another room if you need to. Later when he's calmed down, make an attempt to talk about whatever it is calmly.

 

You need to talk about this dynamic between you and come to some agreement about how you're both going to deal with it. The issues you've raised in your post are reasonably trivial and shouldn't generate 20 minutes of yelling at each other.

 

Someone has to take the first step in this, and the first step if for you to talk about how you will both respond next time a situation like the ones you've described occur.

 

Otherwise, he may need to see someone about managing his anger! How is he going to deal with real problems, or the issues that arise when you have children??

[LC8328]

I agree... whether or not anything was your fault, whether or not you threw out the receipt...is irrelevant.

 

It's about how you communicate. Even if you had thrown it out, even if every single thing was your fault, he has no reason to blow up at you. The fact that he does at the drop of a hat (esp. without bothering to know the facts first or without giving you the benefit of the doubt) means that he doesn't respect you very much.

 

I'm glad you stand up for yourself. Now I have a question for you. Are you okay with this constant bickering?

[catfeeder]

I once had a BF like your partner and I knew that I was done when one day I just responded to an accusation with, "Yeah, sure, babe, it must've been me." And I left him there fuming.

 

So, what? He still figured out he was wrong at some point, and even if he didn't--so what?

 

I TOOK my peace.

 

I noticed that once I stopped defending, there was no fight left--one person can't fight alone.

 

In my case, I figured this out too late because I'd already had one foot out the door, and I never again tolerated a guy who'd pit himself as my adversary instead of playing on the same team.

 

In your case, you need to figure out whether you want to live like this. If not, either shut the argument down by not participating, or shut him down by walking out.

 

Head high.

[Cidmercury]

Thank you for all your input I will definatly go about this differently in the future

He ended up coming home with flowers and apologizing for over reacting.. Not that that justifies his actions but it was a step in the right direction I think to own up to it and acknowledge it this time instead of a half asses apology