Honestly, will she ever return? I'm positive, but confused

[Jmal1994]

Dear eNotAlone

 

Right this is my third post this week, let me outline what my situation is...

 

Myself and my ex are both 20, we are each others first real relationship and we were together for 2years and 8months. We were completely devoted to each other in every way, admired each other's flaws and made each other feel secure about ourselves through compliments and reassurance about our future together, this lasted right up until the end. We are both at separate colleges, but both live at home about two minutes away from each other, I am in my final year, she has just started her first after initially rejecting colleges because she wanted to stay at home with myself and her family. We had been on many holidays, I had been the ultimate gentleman when we were out, I even stayed by her throughout the trauma of her nan dying.

 

Five days ago, she broke up with me, citing the reason as she was developing feelings for someone else, a guy from her college who also commutes from his house, she had known him for three months but only started to talk to him a month ago. She also said that she is really confused about her future once she graduates, what courses she should choose next semester etc. she has always been a confused and vulnerable girl for I have to talk her through many sticky situations

 

I had been so attentive and loving towards her until last month when I became heavily involved with a new job, as well as my current one and my college work and theses. I reassured her that I would always be there for her even know I was busy, but she was talking to this other guy and started hanging around him a lot more, texting him more than she would me, even text him when I was with her, I spoke to her about this, and she said there was nothing going on between the two of them. I had caught her deleting messages a few days later from this guy, so I mentioned it again, and she said she didn't want to hurt me, seeing how much she texts him. This guy however, may I add, is only just 18, lives twenty minutes away from her and has just cheated himself out of a previous relationship.

 

I must also admit that I became dependent in the relationship, just as she had done whilst I started at university and she didn't know my new friends, I also understand that I had become a bit too comfortable in the relationship and I think she wanted to experience something new, our sex life was waning due to stress, but she already had a low libido from the start of the relationship, but I didn't care, I loved her beyond that

 

She plans to move out next year closer to college with this guy and other friends, I'm sure that there will be a relationship between the two, she kissed him drunkenly three hours after we broke up, but she says she still loves me and cares for me, and got defensive once I kissed another girl drunkenly a couple of days ago. Her mother has told me she is finding everything hard, but she wants me to forgive her and wants to stay as friends, she says she is still so confused but now carries guilt.

 

I'm learning to move on, I've kept no contact in regards to the relationship, but have spoken to her about our college work and my college future which was knocked, she was the only one who understood. We haven't spoken for three days. I have many questions I wish to ask. I am willing to take her back and rebuild my trust in her after time and setting new ground rules, I will only accept her back if she explicitly says she wants to get back with me and that she acknowledges the hurt that I went through, I'm not living in false hope at all though, I was just wondering if she would ever return? Is this guy a rebound relationship?

 

Ps. I've become stronger since, I've looked at guides that have helped and my close network of friends and family shave also been great, I am positive about moving on, but still want to hold on to her, I can't forget about all of our memories

[Lana0120]

It sounds like you two have had a wonderfully supportive and loving relationship. I understand why you would want to do everything in your power to try and make it work - but without sacrificing your own dignity and self-respect. You seem to have a very healthy attitude here. It seems like she is going through a difficult, transitional period in her life and she is going out into the world and she will begin to change. She needs these experiences to help her grow. My sense is that she could certainly use a friend right now and even if she does have a relationship with this other guy that you speak of, in times of difficulty you may still be someone that she turns to.

 

My suggestion would be to keep active and focus on your own growth for the time being and wait and see as far as she is concerned. I know the advice is commonly to go out and date other women, but in your case I would suggest holding off on this for a while as she is confused. Just be her friend and remind her of your good qualities and just be yourself. The rest is up to fate.

[Denguin]

You need to cut her out of your life completely, and that includes all non-relationship talk as well. Nothing you say or do will bring her back in the short-term. You only have one way to go, and that's down. If you want a chance with this girl in the future, you'll go completely cold turkey. You'll slowly be able to move on, and who knows, maybe she'll start missing the security you've provided.

 

She sounds like she's gotten a bout of the "Grass is Greener Syndrome". If you haven't read about it, I encourage you to - it will promote your understanding of things (link removed).

 

I, myself, have just suffered a break-up due to this. I know it sucks, but it happens. You were both young, and there's a lot of immaturity/uncertainty that always seems to get in the way.

 

Will she come back? I'm sure she will reach out to you sooner or later should you stop talking to her. It does sound like this guy is a rebound for her - he's something exciting that she hasn't had in a while. If he cheated his way out of his last relationship, well, we both know what that says about him. He's 18 years old, and he still has a lot of growing up to do (and by the sounds of it, so does she). With that, a lot of changes will happen, and I doubt that they'll last together.

 

 

My suggestion would be to keep active and focus on your own growth for the time being and wait and see as far as she is concerned. I know the advice is commonly to go out and date other women, but in your case I would suggest holding off on this for a while as she is confused. Just be her friend and remind her of your good qualities and just be yourself. The rest is up to fate.

I have to respectfully disagree with this suggestion. You were together for almost 3 years. That's a long time, and she knows what your good qualities are already. By lingering around, you become her safety net - the one that gets no attention until things go horribly wrong for her. And even then, you'll help her get back up on her feet and she'll run off again.

 

Give her a chance to realize what she's walking away from.

[Jmal1994]

Cheers guys

 

These words are helpful but contrast my feelings, I want to remain no contact with her, for her to realise what she is missing, but I want to remind of her of all my great qualities that made her fall in love with me in the first place, when would I do it? Should she make the first call of contact? I'm still confused

 

I completely understand that she is still confused, she text me over her college test results and still tells me to have a goodnight, I respond bluntly with closed endings, but I don't want to seem uninterested, you can't just switch that off after almost three years together.

 

I also understand that I am no longer her first port of call on issues, but I feel that she doesn't know this guy well enough to tell him her issues at the moment, and as silly as this may seem. I struggle to look at other girls in a new outlook, in other words, I look at girls and think 'you can't replace her', I've never liked girls that doll themselves up, or are opinionated, I've always had attractions to natural beauty and a sweet, nurturing, innocent, but vulnerable personality, someone that isn't just a lover, but the your closest friend and guardian angel.

 

Time will heal me eventually, I know that, but I don't want to heal too much to the point that if she does return, I must say no to her, it'll then be me doing the heartbreak, forgetting the memories etc. this may sound stupid, but my nice guy mature is to forgive and forget

 

But I'm keeping busy, I appreciate the words on here truly and deeply, I'm still confused though

[AintEasy]

Time will heal me eventually, I know that, but I don't want to heal too much to the point that if she does return, I must say no to her, it'll then be me doing the heartbreak, forgetting the memories etc. this may sound stupid, but my nice guy mature is to forgive and forget

 

 

Hey bud. There is no such thing as healing too much. If you reach a point where she returns and you are no longer interested, that only means you were meant for better. Most of the reconciliation stories involve a great deal of time apart, and then the two meet and realize they are still in love, even though they are fully healed. You have to trust that whatever takes place in your heart, was the best for you.

 

In a way, you are going through something very similar to me. We are not as young, and our time together was 8 years instead of 3, and I was about to propose, but regardless all the rest is the same. I have been on here a great deal of time now and have studied a good amount. If there is anything I've learned, it is that the longer a couple are together, the less work you have to do to remind her. She doesn't need to be reminded of all your great qualities because she already knows them. No contact during this time is absolutely crucial because she is in the honeymoon stage with this guy. Right now you can only push her away, you can't pull. The only thing that can pull her back is the opportunity to miss you. Our exes are young, immature, and frankly stupid. Giving up something amazing and loving and sturdy for that new excitement is a seriously wrong move, but it is often a mistake we have to make at this age. I too am like you and am very understanding and forgiving. We all make mistakes. I made alot of my own during my stupid years (I'm 24 now) and my ex forgave me numerous times, so she deserves the same. Just stay no contact and focus on yourself, improve yourself for your own good. And just trust in fate. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

[Jmal1994]

Hey, yeah time will truly tell me how I feel about the situation, my confusion at the moment is that she is talking to this guy, but her mother has just contacted me again to tell me that our pictures together are still up on her bedroom wall and she hasn't taken them down yet

 

I don't believe she is seeing this new guy, yet, he's there to talk to her, but maybe she's taking her time to see what she really wants, in this situation that I want to speak to her and talk to her, her mother said that my ex misses me, and is trying to deal with things her own way too

 

But I remain confused about the whole process, does she want him? Does she want me? Does she just want to be single for a while and sort out her college confusions? How would I go about this situation to remind her that I'm still there for her, or do I remain no contact?

[bugatti]

But I remain confused about the whole process, does she want him? Does she want me? Does she just want to be single for a while and sort out her college confusions? How would I go about this situation to remind her that I'm still there for her, or do I remain no contact?

 

I think you need to stop thinking about this situation in this way. It really doesn't matter what she thinks or what she wants - because she broke up with you - so she wants go OUT of your relationship. So she doesn't want to be with you. I know it hurts.

 

I know that you still care about her and you'll still care in future... but if you'll be still there for her she won't have chance to miss you. You were 3 years together, she already knows everything about you. If you'll stay around her she will have benefits of both worlds - friendship with you and of course she can go out and sleep with other men.

[Jmal1994]

That's the thing, I want to stay no contact, not purely for her to miss me, but to heal myself and find out more about me, yeah she broke up with me and wanted out of the relationship, I respect that, but I also respect her current confusions, I am moving on, I don't want to seem in denial, I was just curious to whether or not a fire could be rekindled in a few months/years, if we were both in the situation that we had matured, realised what we had wanted and were willing to resume dating aspects before deciding next steps

 

In the meantime, we will both move on, the fact she has got out of the relationship and my pictures remain on her wall, seems odd, I have made sure to her that I cannot be friends as of yet because of the hurt she caused me, I don't want to let go, and it seems like she doesn't want to let go either. Again I'm not going to have false expectations and dreams about it, I'm just confused about it all.

 

She remains a confused girl at the moment, apparently she still speaks about me at home with her family, and how sorry she feels. As many people have said, only time will tell, if it's fate, it's fate, I'm not going to hang around waiting, I'm going to let her contact me, that is the best way possible

[AintEasy]

You should read my original post in my thread "Very Confused". My ex to this day portrays nothing but confusion. She still wears clothes I bought her, she supposedly still has all of our photos, she never asked me to return her house key, the list can go on. The point is that it all means nothing to us, because it still breaks down to, they left us and are gone. Yes there is a chance it could be rekindled in months/years. There is always that chance when people abandon a relationship like she did. The point is, stop thinking about it and just move ahead. The less you think about the possibility, the more likely it is to happen for some reason.

[Betteralready]

Confusion sometimes seems hopeful because the confused person isn't completely rejecting you, BUT confusion can be totally destructive.

It makes you wait when you should move on.

It makes you overthink about the other person instead of thinking about yourself.

It makes you crazy because you're trying to move on and stay close at the same time, which does not work.

[Jmal1994]

I understand what you are all saying, I am planning on moving on, spending more time with my friends and my family, as well as taking up new hobbies, and focusing on my university work and future

 

I believe that eventually, she will see her mistake in leaving a doting and caring partner for a younger, more exciting, but ultimately immature person, I am jealous, it's hard not to be in this situation, but today has been better, I have thought about her a lot less than before. My family have been understanding about the situation, her family have been respectful of my wish to keep little contact with their daughter.

 

She has always been confused, she will remain confused, and will eventually get her heartbroken in the same way, the grass maybe greener on the other side, but this side remains well looked after, prosperous and colourful in other ways (eg. Security, comfort, maturity). She'll see it sooner or later, I won't remain hostile about the situation because it's happened and there is nothing I myself can do to rectify it, the ball is in her court now, her decisions and future lies with her

[Denguin]

I'm glad to hear you're having a better day today. I don't mean to be a downer, but you'll still have a lot of ups/downs waiting for you in the next little while. Don't fight emotions or suppress feelings of hostility/sadness in. Letting your emotions out will calm you down eventually (as paradoxical as that sounds). When in doubt, post here again and we'll be happy to help you work through your thoughts.

 

The bolded part: That is a healthy attitude to have, and given time, you'll begin to see that more and more. Take pride in knowing that your side of the grass is "green", and that you were the best man you could be for her. Unfortunately, sometimes all the love in the world just isn't good enough for some people. I've found that out, as have many others on the forum. But you know what? One day someone will swoop in and find that the grass is the greenest they've ever seen with you, and they'll truly appreciate that. Rest assured, given time, I'm sure she will begin to see you treated her well. Does that mean she'll come back? No. But I think for me, having my ex realize what she walked away from (and kick herself over it) would give me a certain level of satisfaction.

[liberate]

She kissed a guy but got mad at you for kissing a girl? I advise you work on your dependency issues and waste no more time on someone who doesn't want to be with you. It sounds like she feels bad for breaking it off, but she still doesn't want to be in a relationship. She's going through a rough patch of life, ok, but if she wanted to be with you she'd make it work. It appears she does not. That doesn't make her a bad person, but it also doesn't mean you should stick around and be the confidante.

 

There is no confusion. It doesn't matter that your pictures are still on her wall. It doesn't matter that her mother is contacting you. She's choosing every day to not be with you, and she appears to be interested in someone else. That's what matters. Maybe that sounds harsh, but IMO if you care about someone and want to end a relationship with them you cut everything off. This demotion to a friend is pure pain for most in a non-mutual breakup of a LTR. Any considerate person would realize this.

 

AintEasy is giving you good advice. The reasons for a breakup should be irrelevant to the dumpee. It's never this simple, but in some form or another the statement "this person doesn't want to be with me; I should self-reflect and find someone who does" should be going through your head. Maybe she'll reach out, but if it's anything other than "I want to rekindle what we had" I'd delete and move on.

 

Life is too short for this bull, but hey, I had to learn the hard way. You can look at my thread if you want. If I was cynical I'd say so many "mistakes," but since I like to be optimistic I say so many "lessons learned."

 

Good luck

[Jmal1994]

Hey, thanks for the advice here liberate, I have cut off contact with her, but as has been said, my emotions are all over the place at the moment, I felt positive yesterday,bot now I am back to this negative attitude, the sense of 'what ifs' which I stupid to think because none of this was even my fault

 

I do like to believe that this situation is a grass is greener scenario, but I have still so many confusions about the whole thing, I know she wants to go and experience these new things in life, I know she still has my pictures up on her wall, both at home and on Facebook, which I truly believe she would have removed if she was to pursue this new guy. But I'm not sure still

 

Her brother told me that she was going to invite me round to chat a clue of nights ago, but she didn't in the end, instead saying she just chatted with her mum about the whole thing, her mum would then encourage me to forget about my ex and move on, I'm really confused!!!

 

As you also said liberate, the demotion to friend is the hardest part, but you see, I don't want that at all, for me, as stubborn as it may seem, it's all or nothing, if she comes back to me, I'm willing to give her a second chance,if not, I can't be her friend, it's not through the pain of what she did, I can forgive her for that, she is confused and has GIGS, but it's the fact that being in an LTR, and to see her and not being able to hold her like I used to, would just be painful.

 

I know it's all irrelevant to why I was dumped, the fact is I was, and that's all that matters now. I'm sure she will see her wrongdoing honestly, despite her current sense of guilt, she is still unaware of the pain she caused by leaving me. If I seem in denial or am contradicting any advice, then I do apologise, my emotions are running high, to me she is still my future, even though I am probably not hers, that will take time to get over, but I appreciate the words you have given me

[AintEasy]

Tell her brother to stop telling you these things. They distract you and get you preoccupied. My exes best friend told me that my ex wanted to hang out two weeks ago but I was busy so she didn't bother. I really wish she would have never told me that because it got me thinking. Tell him that you don't need to hear these things because as you just said, it is all or nothing. Until she actually commits to it, screw that. And emotions all over the place will be very normal.

 

I just hit the 3 month mark, have felt fantastic for the past two weeks and then just suddenly lost it today. Worst day I've had in a bit. It is expected.

[Jmal1994]

Yeah, it's official, today has been the worse day for me so far, I've tried to put her out of my mind, but it isn't working, the possibility (probably fact) that I will never hold her again and put her hair behind her ears is killing me, everything I do reminds me of her,even if didn't do it with her, I have still kept no contact, but it's killing me, I just want to remind her that I love her, I know she misses me, she would phone me constantly up until a week before we broke up saying she missed me and couldn't bare being without me, I don't know, I know I can't think these thoughts, but you can't just switch them off completely, it's like she's waiting for me to contact her, she desperately wants me to speak,but I can't knowing we will just be friends

 

i want to remind her off my loving personality, my comfort that she so desperately loved and admired during the relationship but I don't want to push her away towards someone else

[AintEasy]

Man I know exactly how you feel. It has been three months and I can still perfectly picture gently caressing her bottom lip with my fingers and staring into her beautiful brown eyes. Every time you start to have those thoughts or images shake your head and immediately focus on something else. I know it is hard, but you can't remind her of anything. She needs to remind herself. Just keep pushing.

[Jmal1994]

So today was better, she had text me last night to see how I was, and I completely rejected it, until today, she asked me how I was, and I bluntly said 'hi, I'm good thanks', and left it at that, I am positive about moving on and am seeing a work friend Saturday night for a catch up, may I add that she has admitted her feelings to me before, but I've said it's just a 'catch up'

 

This may help me move on, but I still think about my ex, I've worked out my own guide to move on with the situation and we shall see if it works, I regret texting back today, it broke the NC rule, but it's my nature to text back, I have now decided to use this thread to vent my emotions, advice is appreciated

 

Of course I still carry the hope to win back my ex in the long term, but have stayed positive until now, I do miss her still, but each day is getting better, it's her loss, it's her loss, it's her loss!