To be in a Long-Distance Relationship, but without some problems. Please help :(

[Daru]

Hi everyone, I'm new to eNotAlone. Hoping that I can get some advice towards my relationship with my GF Thanks for any comments

 

It's been around a year and a few months into our relationship we have one unmovable problem. Telling her my past and one particular interest in video games. We're around the same age 18 as I'm in university and she's in high school for one more year and quickly fell in love with each other. This isn't her first relationship, but it is for me and I'm really confused and what I should do. She loves me soo much and I love her too, but recently for the past 6 months of our relationship has decayed. Not totally toxic, but it's been damaging us ever since. One thing I always fear to talk to her about and when I do she either sleeps, doesn't listen to me, or pushes me away since I've hurt hurt once for it. I admit I didn't do much at the time I hurt her which was near the start of our relationship during the winter break. I was playing videos with my cousin which happened every long break and loved to play cooperatively on a game and I didn't talk with her because I figured she would be busy with her things during the winter break. Or it could be that I loved to play instead... I never knew how stupid I was and thought she would be supportive of something that makes me happy. I would sacrifice most of my time playing them to spend time with her, but I didn't. Afterwards, I didn't know what to do and she and I blame me for it, cried and hurt like hell. I don't know what else to do at this point. One time when she couldn't handle it we promised that I wouldn't touch video games again, but in my heart I knew that wasn't true to begin with and it haunted me in the long run to give-up something that has been with me through thick and thin throughout my childhood. At the time, I was certain that I wouldn't touch them for a month atleast, but it hurts to know that she hates and restricted me to play them at all, or even think about them, But later on, I played again and we compromised again. That I'll tell her when I play for a certain time during the week and not exceed an hour or so. I went along with it, hoping it would help, in the end I didn't play to help her cope with video games. But whenever I mentioned it again she would repeat her behaviour. Moving on, we tried another variation for it during the summer break and failed, by the end of my first semester, near my birthday I wanted to impulse buy a video game console that wasn't on my mind. Just before the summer break and a few times we questioned whether our relationship was worth the trouble it was causing and at the moment it was with video games.

 

After my final year of high school though my marks dropped way down and left an emotional toll on my conscience... It was the worst feeling in my life, being disgusted with my self and denied that the cause was me being passive and spending a hell of a lot of time with our relationship. I'm just fortunate enough that there's one university that accepted me and tried to move on from it. But at times I feel like our relationship pulls me down to somewhere I don't want to be and I don't know if this is truly who I am. I love spending time with her, but that it was too much at times and degraded my academic studies till it was almost out of control. I might be biased but I just felt like I used up so much more time, but it didn't seem right so I sucked it up and moved on, well again I keep on trying everyday. I just feel, after that turmoil I want something for myself and not her telling me that she doesn't know me any more and avoiding that part of me that I'm not completely ready to give or or will give up. She's given up on trying to accept that game part of me and I shouldn't even mention it. If I play or think or talk about it till she gets over her feelings for video games. I want to help her, but don't know where to start or what to do and am at a loss for words and thoughts. I want to make things right and sure it'll take time, but I'm scared if she'll ever accept them. Even though I don't play them I do have urges and will want to play games that I loved to play in the past plus their sequels. Ads for polished video games don't help at all. I don't want to hide this side of me...I want to make things work...and if I haven't said this before I've thought of breaking up to get out of this mess, but I know in reality that the easy way out is never the smart thing to do. I know that much atleast, especially through my first year. Thanks for reading this post... If there's anything that needs clarification, let me know, I just suck at explaining sometimes. P.S. other things I hurt her with are only promises that I should have or not have made. Video games is one and I guess the telling her everything I feel is one that I broke a lot... Keeping her happiness is one important thing I want for her, but hurting her through the little things doesn't help at all. We don't want to break up, I don't want to hurt her and if we can get through this together it'll be the best feeling in the world