How do I let go of the bad thoughts and move on?

[miss_sunshine]

I just keep thinking if the person who knew me the best, spent every day with me and I shared everything with for over 11 years can just up and leave and not even care enough to even check and see if I am ok and just leave me like I am a piece of dirt under their shoe then I must be a pretty awful person.

 

I keep thinking that I must have made him miserable and I must be a terrible person to have had no idea that he was unhappy.

 

For him to not even care less about me now just shows how little he loved me. Who the hell was I with for all that time and what did I even mean to him? I know that exes emotionally let go before they tell you they are leaving but how do they not even care now? What was I to him? It hurts so much and is so confusing! Why did he not tell me he was unhappy earlier, why did he just bail and tell me he did not want marriage and kids even though we talked about it. Why did we save for 18 months to buy a house (his suggestion as he wanted stability for us before we got married) and then he left just as we had the deposit.

 

I am seeing a psychologist next week so I am sure they will help me work through it but I just need to vent.

[mauii beauty]

Im so sorry that you feel so much pain at the moment

 

I am sure you are not an awful person and i am sure you have no made him miserable. you cannot read minds... it was on him to tell you if he was unhappy. nobody can expect you to see something somebody hides from you. the sad thing is, many people expect that the others sees how they feel without talking about it. by thinking this they make things worse and take away the chance for the other to change anything.

 

i am sure there are many good things about you, 11 years is a very long time, nobody would spend such a long time with a person that isnt a good person.

 

i know it is hard to understand why people walk away from you... i am in a similar situation at the moment. i have to accept the situation too... he isnt there any more even though we had so many plans together... wanted to spend the rest of our lifes together... it hurts. but blaming yourself is the wrong way... there are always 2 people in a relationship... not just one who has to do all the work!

 

*hug*

[CraigHowes]

It's good to vent so you can get it out of your system. Remember you were together for 11 years he did love and care for you. Unfortunately things don't last forever and people's feelings and lives can change.

 

Something changed for him and he decided that this wasn't the path he wanted anymore. This is not any reflection on you and what you had to offer. Therefore don't blame yourself for this happening, it's easy to do but as long as you were loving, understanding, compassionate and truly loved him then you could of done nothing more.

 

You have lots of questions of course you do, when something life changing happens it ignites fear. Fear causes you to question everything and doubt yourself.

 

Fear isn't real and it's just a feeling that you feel when your uncertain about your future. It's time to try and control that fear and focus on yourself, with the help of professional help you are taking the first step.

 

Be proud of yourself that you want to keep living and realise this isn't the end for you. You have human spirit inside you and no one can break that.

 

Stay strong and keep fighting, keep moving forward and be kind to yourself.

[chickadeedee]

>>For him to not even care less about me now just shows how little he loved me.

 

It is common to focus on these kinds of feelings, but I think this is a false assumption based on the expectation that life and people's feelings never change and of course they do. Life is also about change, and people's feelings can be affected by so many things and ebb and flow over time. I'm sure there is no way he would have been with your for 11 years if you didn't mean a lot to him and if he didn't love you for most of that time, BUT life's events can happen in such a way that he felt he grew out of the relationship, or his goals changed, or you and he grew in different directions and didn't have so much in common anymore, or he met someone new and felt an overwhelming spark etc. etc.

 

So it does not good to dwell on these kinds of thoughts because they aren't really based on reality. The reality is his feelings changed, and he decided at some point that he wanted his life to go in a different direction than you wanted to go, and hence he needed to be free to take it in that direction. Perhaps he ultimately decided he didn't really want to marry and have children, and he was wasting your time because he knew those were important to you. some people think they want the 'traditional' thing (marriage and family), only to discover along the way that they might really not want to do that at all, or have very different desires that aren't compatible with the settled life.

 

And if he has decided to move on, he knows very well that contacting you will just cause more drama and tears and give you false hopes, and since he no longer wants a relationship, he knows that contacting you is counter to the goal right now, which is uncoupling his life from yours. So he might care about you, but knows that contacting you will just drag this out and give you false hope if he's made up his mind to leave and wants you to heal and move on as well. And many people are emotional cowards, where they just don't want to have the tears and drama and begging that pleading that happens when having contact and going over and over 'why did you do this to me, why can't you give me another chance' etc.

 

So you need to really focus on your task right now, which is acceptance and healing and shifting your focus off of him and onto yourself and friends and family for support. and try to reduce the drama and catastrophizing where you go thru all those 'he must have never loved me' thoughts which really don't help with the healing, and really aren't realistic at all. It is more positive and will help you heal faster if you focus on the fact that you were both important to each other at one time, but he chose to take his life in a different direction rather than marriage and family, and telling you this and leaving will set you free to eventually find a man who does have the same focus and goals that you do.

[chickadeedee]

btw, one other piece of advice. Next time, do not spend 11 years with someone without marrying them. He may have SAID he wanted marriage and kids, but his actions were showing you that was not true, or he'd have married you around year 3 or 4 at most rather than going 11 years with yet another excuse as to why you needed to wait (i.e., save money for a house or this or that or any other excuse he has used). If people really want to get married, it takes them $25 and a trip to the courthouse and that is all that is needed. And if he doesn't do it in 11 years, that was a huge sign that he never really did want to get married, and probably just strung this along as long as he could before he got to the point where he knew it was time to let go and let you go find a man who actually did want marriage and kids.

 

So next time, make it very clear from the beginning with someone that you are looking for a husband and a family, and if his goals are such that he doesn't want marriage and kids, you won't even date him. And do not move in with a man unless you are already engaged with a wedding date planned, because that is how a lot of people get into these situations where one person is not being honest about their desire to not marry and have kids, and is instead just looking for a series of live-in relationships rather than a permanent marital partnership. And if you don't get a proposal around year 2, then you need to think about moving on rather than dragging it out in a live-in situation.

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks chickadee that is great advice. I will definitely not wait that long next time, I have learnt from this experience. I am trying very hard to take the focus off him and put it back on to myself, it is just hard. I appreciate your reply.