bugatti Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Hello everyone. I would like to share my story. We're both 25 years old and we were 4.5 years together. It wasn't first relationship for neither of us. It was generally very healthy relationship (without ups and downs!), we never argued. Breakup She always had more male friends then female and I was okay with that... But I became very jealous and clingy in past 6 months of our relationship - the reason for my behaviour was that she found her new (and first) job and she didn't have time for me. She met new male colleagues and she spent time with them more then with me and I became jealous (for the first time in our relationship) - I wanted some assurance that we're okay and there is no reason for jealousy but she didn't give me one. When I saw how she became distant I realised that something is not working and I started with changes - found a flat for us (to spend more time together after work), planned proposal, and other things for which she blamed me. But I didn't have chance to realise (or show) my plans... because she broke up with me in September 2014 with reason "I dragged her down and she missed some things in our relationship for long time and she doesn't want them back.". She said my jealousy was one of the issues. But it wasn't fair, because I just wanted some assurance and I was cool with her friends for 4 years! I immediately started with begging, apologies, explanations. I bought her bouquet of 101 roses and explained her my plans and realisations but she said that she needs time and she doesn't want to give me false hopes. It was really hard period of my life - everything we did together I had to do alone. I even had to go alone to ballooning, which I ordered for proposal and It was really sad. We met 3 weeks after breakup and it was really awkward situation. I was really nervous because she was really different person in my eyes. She looked very happy and she was very active with her free time (with colleagues). She even moved to company flat to live with colleagues. I was not able to accept her changes in that time. Friendship I went for 1 month trip to USA and I hoped that my head will be "cleaner" when I come back home. I accepted friendship before my trip so we were chatting everyday, but it was not working so I went NC for 3 weeks. When I came back home, she wrote me message that she wants to meet and she cannot wait to see me. I was very sceptical and asked her for her intentions - she told me that she missed me and she wants to be friends. I said her that it's not going to happen. Few days passed and she contacted me again with random stuff from her life. I replied. Then she wrote again. I replied again. It was just sporadic conversation once/twice a week... It was really hard to know what she is doing because I was hurt from some informations... And of course I was still trying to change her mind and get her back - I wrote looong emails, looong letters and we had looongs calls. But nothing from this worked and I was just hurting myself. Then I decided that we need to stop this "friendship" and I invited her to my new flat to talk about it. She found out that I'm seeing new woman (just friend...) and it was complete turnaround in her behaviour - she became hot from cold and instead of ending our friendship we became closer and we were chatting daily. But it wasn't enough for her to came back. She told me that she is hurt from that I found new woman - I said (to myself) wow what a selfish girl! I also found out, when she was in her parents house she contacted me more and her messages were very kind. But when she was in company flat (with colleagues) she was much colder, offensive and she dropped me like a hot potato. So this doesn't look like true friendship... Last meeting and closure Fast forward to yesterday (3 weeks of "warm" friendship and 3 months since BU - it looks like number 3 is symbol of this BU) to our last meeting. I realised that friendship is less then what I want and it has more negatives then positives for me because I suffered daily from that I'm not No. 1 priority for her anymore and from some stuff from her life. And of course I still love her - so friendship is not possible for us. She explained that she still miss me, and she still think about me, she is really sorry for hurting me, she appreciate everything I did after BU - flowers, letters, love confessions. She also said that she always wanted to reply in some nice way, but she didn't because she didn't want to give me false hope. I appreciate that. I asked her "Look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love my anymore". She declined and she said it's not true so she can't say it... She told me "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I'm not sure what I feel.". It was really emotional meeting because she didn't want to let me go - I mean she didn't want to let friendship go. She always wanted me in her life, she always started conversations after BU... I felt really terrible that everything we had just ended. She was crying too. She ended our romantic relationship, and I just ended our friendship... But in the end, after few hours of conversation she accepted my request of NC. I offered her, if she will ever realise what she feels is love she can contact me. And if it will be possible we can talk about it. But if she won't we should stay no contact. And then I left... What helped me? - I felt much better during NC. So I think this is the only one possible way to heal. - Removed everything related to her. I also had to delete each text/email from her because I was still returning to these messages... - Our last meeting helped me because she told me that she appreciate everything I did because she wasn't expecting me to act like this. It helped me because I thought she doesn't care, but she did care. So I was happy. - Write my emotions into emails/letters... I learned from my own faults and now I won't send these messages, I will write them just for myself. Because when you'll send them, you expect something... something positive. But it won't come. - I moved from parents house to flat in city - I'm still not 100% happy with this change, but it was definitively good decision. - Removed phone number and email address Some realisations for next BU - I'm not going to chase her! I will tell her my intentions, but I'm not going to chase her. Because I achieved nothing during 3 months. Nothing! I just delayed my healing and I was suffering more and more. Nothing has changed on her side - she was till repeating what she said and I was deaf. - I will go no contact right after breakup - it's really peaceful place. - I will never ever analyse every single word from conversations. - It will get better with time, much better. But right know I'm stuck and it's not getting better. What I'm afraid of? - I'm afraid that I won't be able to love somebody like her again. - I still think about her every single minute of day... And I don't know how to stop this. - I'm afraid that I'll create some hope in future. - I'm afraid that I'm not able to change my mindset from "getting back together" to "will never talk to her again". I don't want to live in illusion of her contacting me... - I'm not sure if I did right thing about ending friendship with her - I still have some guilt flashbacks. My biggest fear I'm not sure if this is related to her, or breakup... But I'm not able to live in present. I still live in past, or in future. When I'm at home with my family, I would like to go away. When I'm away I feel guilty because I'm not with my family. In other words - I don't know how to enjoy present moments... For example I went skiing with my father last weekend and everything was perfect... but I didn't enjoy it - when we came there, I wanted to go home. I'm not sure if I described it correctly - I hope so. I have everything what I need - good job, family, friends, money, flat, etc... But for some reason I'm not able to live in present. Of course I'm happy, but it looks like something is missing inside me. I'm also not used to do some activities alone - like movies, swimming, shopping. The end Thanks for reading this and if you'll have some time I would like to ask you for some advice to my "Post BU fears"... Thanks again and cheers! Link to comment
bugatti Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Sorry for long first post... I'll really happy if somebody will find some free time to read this and give me some advice. Thank you in advance! Link to comment
sky09 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Looks like you have a plan already, just stick to it. Right now is the best time to self-reflect and learn, so your next relationship will be better. No friendship with her until you're over her.Good book to read about "present": Eckhart Tolle "New Earth" or his "The power of Now" Also, pick up some books on relationships. Not the corny stuff, but things that were written by researchers and people with P.H.Ds P.S. Listen to Eminem - Not afraid Link to comment
GoogilyBear Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 - I'm afraid that I'm not able to change my mindset from "getting back together" to "will never talk to her again". I don't want to live in illusion of her contacting me... I'm sorry that you're still hurting. A breakup is never an easy thing to go through. All I can say is that it's going to take time, and you really have to put in the effort if you want to heal from this and move on with your life. This line from your post really stood out to me, as I think it's one of the more important aspects to moving on and healing. I've just now accepted this, and had to change my thought process to do it, and this after 10 months post BU with 5 months (and counting) of NC. I was pretty rough for awhile, but this 5 months of NC has helped tremendously with me moving on. I now harbor no thoughts of her ever coming back or even talking to her again. I was always the one reaching out, and since I went NC I haven't heard a peep from her, even though she said "we were friends" and "we can be friends" Funny how that works out isn't it? Anyway, normally when thoughts of her would get in my head, I would think "She'll reach out again someday. I'll hear from her again" All that was doing was feeding me false hope, no matter how much I thought I had moved on, and it still tore me apart inside. Actually this week I started cutting those thoughts out completely, and telling myself " It is 100% done and over...she is never coming back and I will never talk to her again. Moving right along!" I've been doing it for a week now and it is amazing how much better I feel, like I am truly moving on...FINALLY! It's taken me a lot of work to get this point. I'm not out of the woods quite yet, but in my NC period I've met an amazing woman, who I'm now dating, who has been there for me every step of the way, and understands what I've been through this year. I sincerely hope this helps you as much as it helped me my friend. Our mind can be our own worst enemy. Healing is a process, so take your time and take care of yourself, and you will come out of this all for the better Link to comment
bugatti Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Thank you for support. And yes, you're right... our mind is our biggest enemy. It's incredible what pain we can cause just with our memories/thoughts... Link to comment
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