Bad fight...power struggle...is it over??

[sweetpea4670]

My boyfriend of two years and I have always had a relationship in which I seem to be the one a little more crazy about him than he is about me (whether in reality or just his personality I still try to figure out). That is pretty much the only issue with us; otherwise we are perfect together.

 

We had a really nasty fight tonight and he raised his voice and got angry to a level I have not seen him reach in the two years we've been dating. In the beginning, he would always call and apologize for fights we had, but in our relationship now, I am always the one calling to apologize the next day for a fight - always the one giving in while he retains the power (which I assume I almost handed to him by showing him the extent to how much I feel for him - too much probably, but I'm an extremely passionate person and it's simply my personality).

 

This time, after the fight, he dropped me off at home and I told him that if he doesn't call to apologize and doesn't care that he hurt me, then I don't want to see him anymore. I told him it was his decision, but regardless of the choice he makes, I told him that I would not be the one to contact him this time. I guess my question is, was this the right thing to do? I love him and I would never want to break up with him. I just want some power back in the relationship instead of crawling back like I always do. Was what I said to him too harsh? Will he call?

[kalshane]

Girl, I can't make the cookies without the ingredients!! How did the fight start? What was it about?

[sweetpea4670]

To talk about the fight topic would open a new can of worms(-: We were driving in the car together and I was talking about an episode of Oprah I was watching today. It was about gay men coming out to their wives after some 30 years of marriage. I was talking to him about how much it hurt these women and ruined their lives and how selfish it was for these men to lead them on, and how can you do that to someone you love?

 

For some reason, I was very worked up about it. I asked him what he thought, and he said that he felt that maybe the men were right in not telling their wives for so long (or should've not told them at all) because why ruin a good marriage and break up a family with kids? This really bothered me for some reason, as I strongly felt that this was incredibly selfish act and asked him why he thought this way. I compared it to cheating on your spouse (leaving out the homosexual aspect) and said that it was like cheating on your spouse for your entire marriage and not telling her so as to not disrupt the "happy" marriage.

 

I said this in an angry tone (but not yelling) and and all of sudden he lashed out and started yelling about how I always make everything into an argument. He continually told me to shut up and yelled about how I'm so arrogant and I think I'm always right. He's never really talked to me like that before and I've never heard him yell so loud. That's why this was the time I gave him that choice to call and apologize or I wouldn't see him anymore. I've never said anyhting like this to him and it scares me.

 

I'm angry because even now I worry that I hurt him while he is probably asleep or watching tv, not even thinking about things...or is he? I am terrified that he really won't call. We have a very serious relationship with future plans. I know that I love him. I just want to get my power and respect back in this relationship. I thought that by backing off and letting him come to me, he'd get the picture...but now I'm scared that it will backfire on me.

[goddess23]

oooo...tough one. listen hun, it seems that you NEED to do this for yourself. if there is a power struggle in the relationship then it needs redefining. although the issue was not one to fight over, he seems to be the one who over reacted. with my ex, he never had an opinion on anything and it would annoy me so much. i need someone who i can argue with in a friendly way. this seems like an issue that he shouldnt have exploded like that. honestly theres no excuse for him not to contact you. if you told him straight up if you call him back it will look pathetic. i know right now you're scared, and you dont want it to end but it might be for the best. if he contacts you, great! see what happens, you can probably resolve it and get some answers, but if too much time passes by (like a week or so) then it might be a sign to call it quits. i know right now to you it seems perfect, but it isnt. this is a major problem for him to react like this. best of luk

[twelve]

I agree that it seems you needed to do this and I can understand the fear you are feeling.

I had a similar situation where I was sick of a frined playing power games with me and blaming me for everythign and one day i tol dher to get stuffed quite harsly, as i reached breaking point, and said, if you cant take any part in the blame, dont reply to me.

and she only replied to say shed reply when she wasnt so busy.

so i said dont bother.

it really hurts.

She always made it clear how much she cared for me, but also made it clear how much she cared more about her position of power and pride than her relationship with me.

some poepl are f****d up.

Its gona hurt, but try let him go.

maybe send him a polite email or txt saying, look im sorry to be so harsh, but the way you spoke to me was really not nice and out of line and its important you don't do that if you want a relationship with me.

[Donster]

Just found this old thread while doing a search...IMHO, the OP sounds pretty awful, and based on her description of the events, she more or less caused the fight in the first place! This was several years ago--who can say what happened? Hopefully both parties have learned from the experience, however it all ended.