looking for some advice please..complicated situation

[hopefulandhurt]

Hi everyone,

i am new here but have been browsing threads for weeks looking for some insight for how to deal with my break up. my ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. we were each others first loves (dates from when i was 15 and he was 16 for 7 years until we were 22 and 23). his reasons for the break up were all over the place. initially he told me he was scared that he might be "falling out of love". then he told me he felt our relationship was losing passion and he genuinely hopes that taking some time apart will restore the passion for us. but, the main reason he told me is that he knows he loves me and we have an amazing relationship but he will always resent me if we end up together and he never has time to be "single" and "explore" and "date others". he told me he sees himself ending up with me one day, but he needs time away to confirm this to himself. i was devastated and my heart was completely shattered. i don't even remember or know life without him! initially, i cried, begged, pleaded, all the common mistakes but obviously it got me nowhere. i then switched to lc. i would text him every couple of days or so to say hi or to check in and see what he was feeling. he never initiated contact but always answered when i reached out. he essentially would tell me that we'll probably be back one day, but he needs more time away and that he wants me to be happy and live my life and by not sitting around and waiting for him. he would also throw in mixed messages saying how he would want to start talking "slowly" and see each other occasionally but never really made an effort. finally, 2.5 weeks ago we got together for lunch and he basically told me that he feels relieved not being in a relationship right now (doesnt want one with anyone) and although he loves and misses me and is very sad, he thinks this time apart is "necessary" and "healthy" for us. he said he didn't want to lose touch and wanted to talk sometimes and see each other but he is not ready to jump back into our relationship because it has only been 2.5 months and the whole point of our break up was to experience life without each other and that hasn't been enough time.

 

Later that day when i got home and thought about it, i realized how difficult it would be for me to see him under these circumstances. i texted him and told him i needed some time and space to get over him and that i will reach out to catch up and check in when i feel more emotionally removed from the situation and i only want him to reach out to me if he feels ready to pursue our relationship. he told me he understood and would love to see me again when I'm up to it and he left me by saying he does want to "recreate" our relationship one day and get back together and make things work but he isn't ready yet and he needs more time, but he understands if i need to move on completely. when i asked how long he thought (months, years, etc.), he told me his "gut" is telling him a few months, but there is really no way of knowing for sure and its impossible to say. since then i have gone NC for the first time since we broke up. it has been 2.5 weeks. my question is how to proceed from here. I want to give him his space to explore and to remove myself so i can try to be happy without him, but i also don't want him to think I'm moving on and don't want to save our relationship because i do. i truly believe he is the one for me. i don't want to be a doormat and just wait around and see him at his convenience when he goes through this but I've heard NC is to move on and I'm not sure i want that either. someone advised me to try to get through 3 months of NC and then reach out but i feel mixed. does anyone have any opinions or can offer any insight please?! i feel so sad all the time and don't know the best way to move forward..

[mhowe]

He has said he wants to explore...and not be in a relationship. He has also said not to wait for him.

 

Essentially...you guys have grown up together...late teens to 20's. You BOTH need to explore life and spread your wings and learn to fly without each other. Maybe some day you will get back together...but you shouldn't make that your goal.

 

He knows how you feel. He isn't going g to forget your time together. Likewise, you are smart to realize that checking in every few days in at a good idea either. Make it months...4-6 months and see how you feel.

[hopefulandhurt]

thank you for your response. do you think that will be enough time for him to "explore"? I'm struggling with how long he will need..i also have been dating but so far have not felt ready to enter into anything serious/havent met anyone special yet. so far he has been respectful of my wishes and hasn't contacted me..

[mhowe]

No...I don't think it will be enough time for him to explore. But I think if you aim at 4-6 months, by then you will be in a completely different mindset and can reasses how you look at your future at that point.

[hopefulandhurt]

its difficult to move on in my head when i still kind of feel like we are "on a break" of sorts

[hopefulandhurt]

thanks for that advice! i hope so. i have definitely been getting stronger since it initially happened. i still have hope he will come back but trying not to live my life based on that..we had a great relationship, very little conflict

[mhowe]

Consider it a break up. And if, some day down the road, your paths cross again...you will have so much to tell him about how amazing your life has become.

 

No waiting.

[hopefulandhurt]

do you advise strict NC?

[mhowe]

Yes. It hurts to much to stay in touch. You this k it would make it easier...but it is like slowly bleeding to death. Cut all ties. If you run into each other accidentally... Be normal but no talk of the old relationship or asking if he is dating.

 

No contact will help you heal much faster.