Let's share some healing stories/methods/advice..Anything that will help us all

[staypositive1]

Hello there,

 

there are so many people in pain on here, that I thought maybe we can learn from each other. And hence I created this thread.

 

It is true that there is no pain that compares to that loosing a loved one. And since we are all in the same boat, maybe we can share how we are coping with the break up, what we are doing, what is helping/not helping.

 

I start with myself. And to keep it short: my guy broke up with me 4 months ago. Took him 10min. He just said he wants to be alone, did not give a reason ad left. Everything was doing great until that day. Till this day I do not know why. There is no one else and from what I hear he still talks about me. I have a lot of pride, so didn't cry until he left, I didn't beg or plead and I have not contacted him since that day. This b/u has shattered me in pieces - my confidence, self-esteem. Life seemed to loose its colours, nothing make me happy and I felt alive, but I was not living.

 

From that very day I knew that no matter what I need to stay busy. I am probably not saying anything new, but if this helps anyone at all, even one single person, then I would like to share. So here is what I did:

 

-DO NOT get a sick leave off work. Or skip your classes (if you are studying). You will hate going there, but you will be happy that you did at the end because the day will pass and you may get distracted from your pain (even if it is for 1 min). I forced myself to get out of bed. I cried in front of the mirror, got dressed and went to work.

 

-I have made sure that I do smth after work EVERY NIGHT. I organised drinks with colleagues, dinners, movie nights with friends - anything just not to have time to stay at home alone. upi will hate it, you will want to stay home and cry. But if you go out, you will thank yourself - it will make you feel slightly better (even if it is for 5min)

 

-I planned my weekends ahead. I literally called anyone I remotely knew and organised to visit them over the weekends to come. I did that for 3 months. Trust me these weekend will not be super fun. But if you are visiting a close friend - you will be able to talk to them about your pain; if it is someone not so close - even better. You will be forced NOT to talk about him/her and will be having other conversations. Again, this may shift your focus from a b/u to something else for a little bit.

 

-I signed up to a yoga course for beginners and made it non-negotiable to do 2 nights a week at a yoga centre.

 

When I first went to yoga, I was such a mess that when a receptionist told me the course was booked out I broke down in tears right there and then. By some miracle, a lady came out of one of the rooms. She said she was a reflexologist and had time before her next client, so I took it. (I was having extreme anxiety being at home alone as I knew it would lead to a disaster). She took me to the room and asked me what happened. I bursted out in tears, telling her everything. Turned out she is a therapist as well. I still see her once a week, which helps immensely. I live in a foreign country alone with family far away, so she is the person I vent my feelings to and cry my eyes out. SO next point:

 

-GET HELP. Be it therapy or a close friend or your family. You need to vent your feelings, your hurt, your pain and cry. YOU MUST CRY IT OUT!

 

-DO NOT CONTACT him/her. I wanted soooo badly to call him. My God that overwhelming feeling...So here is what I did: every time I felt like calling him, I called a friend.And I told him/her everything that I wanted to say to my ex. Not a replacement, but helped me to get rid of the overwhelming feeling.

 

-I had a lot of questions for him as I don't even know why he ended the relationship. these questions kept me up at night. I didn't eat or sleep. I could not concentrate at work. So one day, I took pen and paper and I wrote about 3 A4 pages of everything that was on my mind. It helped for a little while.

 

One final advice, for those of you who can do a study period abroad or work from an office in a different city/country for a few months - DO IT!! Change of your environment will help you a lot!

 

So here you go, above are things that I did so far. Trust me, I didn't enjoy doing any of them for the first 3 months. Did I get over my ex? NO, I still LOVE him and think about him all the time. But here is what it had done to me:

 

--I no longer feel scared or anxious to be home alone. In fact, I enjoy a great weekend in pj watching a movie by myself

--I no longer feel the urge to contact him, stalk him on fb or any other social media (I was crazy about al of that for the first few months)

--I am able to distract myself with meditation or yoga class, I enjoy these activities now

--I am planning my weekends with friends that I bounded with over all of those weekends during the first 3 months. But now these weekends look like fun. I met new people through them and it is so good to get new people in your life. This gives you new memories, so you can focus on them rather than on memories with your ex.

--My social life has improved 100%, I get invites to dinners, parties, events, etc

--I do not break down in tears every time I think of him

--I lost weight and look great

 

To sum it up, I didn't forget him, but all of the above helped me to be more balanced and now I am able to deal with it better.

 

I had a thought at my session with therapist last week and I told her that I do not remember when was the last time I laughed. You know that laugh where you have tears in your eyes and you are generally happy? I want to be that person again and I want to be happy again with or without him!

 

I hope this helps someone. Thank you for reading and if any of you would like to share your experiences of what has worked - I would be grateful!

 

Stay strong!

[ConfusedHere1]

These are some good tips. Definitely focusing on oneself after a breakup is the key, it seems. I'd also add that what is helping me in these early stages is reading "self-help" books - i.e. books on getting over a breakup. Maybe it's not for everyone, but it is helping me cope. Good luck!

[Flyer79]

I totally agree with focussing on oneself. I was a mess since the break up, anxiety, panic attacks, fainting even. I got all the help I needed and I am finally at a place now where, we are both talking again as adults, as friends. I don't have the urge to look at my phone every 5 minutes waiting for his message, I just find it nice that he cares enough about me to check up on me every so often (he was the dumper) I know he has his own personal issues to deal with and I can now see that and understand his side of things. I don't want to get back with him, and even if that is what he is aiming at, I wont be rushing into any of it. He didn't do anything awful to me and everyone deserves a 2nd chance within reason. But for now I am just fine with friends, I feel so much better and just about healed and realised that he felt the exact way I did when he ended things, so there you go. They often are hurting just as much..

[Mending Heart]

I started counseling the day the breakup happened, and among other self help books I got the book, "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, which despite the title can be for men too. I called The Warm Line a bunch which is a great place to call just to talk with someone for an hour per call for free. I took anti-stress herbal pills and drank Chamomile tea and I exercised a lot more often. I also let myself cry in public when I got overwhelmed and the feelings came on. Sounds silly but jumping on a trampoline yelling "F you" was also pretty therapeutic! I also joined Meetup and met some nice people. I go out as much as I can, and even if it's just errands, it feels good to be doing something, though it took a while to feel anything but numb.

I still have nightmares, I still have trouble eating, I still cry, I still have times of intense loneliness, I still love them and miss them and think the breakup wasn't warranted. And to make it harder they have contacted me recently and are not sure if they made a mistake or not, so more confusion and heartache there, but regardless I am moving forward, and even though it's still horrible, I can see that I have gotten a bit better, a bit stronger, more okay with being alone. There is a faint light at the end of this horrid tunnel, so hope for me means hope for everyone in this position. The recovery is long, but recover we will!