Desperate to talk to someone, anyone...

[cleverme123]

Here's something really important for you:

 

Because he went awil and basically stole a car from you here's what you need to do. First he is in violation of serious military matters. You call the base which he abandon and tell them that you did have contact with him and where he is. They will pursue him and let him serve out his time. Secondly, if you maintain contact with him, you can also be charged with helping to hide a marine. They don't take it lightly.

 

I know it may be hard to believe but this guy leaving is the best thing that happened to you. You and your child don't need him. Your situation reflects the situation that happened to me when I got pregnant with my daughter. 5 years ago and counting...he's never come back, he was in the Navy. Go to the base he deserted and they will help you.

[RedElephant]

its off to court i go ....

 

wish me luck =)

[RedElephant]

so i went to court today. apprehensive, but determined to do what i had came there to do, i showed up and put on my bravest face. when the judge announced my name i raised my hand and said that i was representing myself. he called aarons name, and he wasnt present, go figure. i mentioned to the judge that i didnt know if his paperwork had been served to him. the judge asked me if i would like a continuation of my protection from abuse order, i said yes, definitley. he granted it to me, and rescheduled my court date for march 9th.

 

oh my god!! could that be any further away?!?!!?!?!?!? the whole legal system is messed up!

 

so, it was a very brief consultation, and i left the courtroom slightly scared but more angry at the huge gap of time from now until my next court date. a woman who was a court attendant walked with me to get certified copies of my updated protection order said to me that "you know you could hire someone other than the cops to serve his paperwork to him for about a hundred bucks". she walked away shortly after that, and i started thinking about the pros and cons of waiting for the police to serve his paperwork versus hiring an outside source to deliver his paperwork. i mean, if i wait for the police, it would take forever since they have to go accross state lines, but i know if he tried to run, theyre the police (which is an advantage for me). but then again, if aaron sees the police are after him, hes more likely to run and this whole court thing will have to be rescheduled over and over and over again. its not as if hes showing up to my house, or my work and harassing me non stop. hes just making an endless barage of phone calls to me. the only thing that gets to me is that i know hes very capable of hurting me, cause hes done it once before. thats why i got the protective order. he has to be held accountable for what hes done thats illegal (deserting the military, idenity theft...) and i just want him out of my life, so i dont have to wake up 5-6 times in the middle of the night and make sure my cars not broken into, someone in my family or me was hurt by him, or hes not outside my house. its a paranoia that wont go away until i know for sure hes out of the picture and sitting in a jail cell.

 

and now, i need everyones feedback about the whole thing, whats a girl to do?! im completely torn. help me!

[sexygrl19]

That's just crazy!He should have those papers by now.I'm sorry that you've got to wait even longer.I hope all this works out for you.I'm so glad that you left him.You're definitely going to be better off without him.I can see how you're paranoid,I would be too.And that's awful.Because you feel like you have to constantly watch your back.I hope that he wouldn't hurt you or anybody you love.Well,keep us posted.Good luck!

[cleverme123]

Tell the Marines where his last known address was. I am telling you if you want that monkey off your back, they will defiantly take care of it. You desert other branches of the service it's an issue, you desert the marines it's an even bigger one! Call them.

[RedElephant]

oh my god, this story gets more and more intricate every day!

 

aaron told me on the 26th of january in an email "just to let you know, my mom died today." so, since hes lied about a lot of things, i wouldnt have put it past him to lie about that too. i had been looking in the paper every day since then to find her obituary. i hadnt found anything until yesterday. her obituary was finally written, i thought to myself, its taken quite a while to publish it since she died on the 26th of january. what i read instead was took my breath away.

 

it said that aarons mom had "went to be with the Lord Tuesday Febuary 1st, 2005 after a 16 year battle with breast cancer. services will be 10 am on friday february 4th ... visitation 6-8pm thursday..."

 

what the ... my jaw hit the floor. she died on tuesday the 1st?! he told me on the 26th of january she had passed away! that whole email was nothing more than a ploy to get me to call him?! oh my god, tears welled up in my eyes and my heart burned with anger. it KILLS me inside to even think about this, he told me his mom had died just to get me to talk to him.

 

just when i think it cant get any more complicated, it does.

 

my brother and i went to get some taco bell a couple nights ago. my cell phone rang and it was aaron. i didnt answer (as always) but when i looked at the call again today, guess what day he called ... you guessed it FEBRUARY 1st!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he called me at 801 that night. im sure she had passed away shortly before or shortly after that call was placed. to think about if i would have answered it and he would have said something like "my mom just died or my moms getting ready to die" oh how confused i would be. i just picture myself saying "i thought your mom had already passed" and him getting completely flustered and realized that he just lied about the biggest thing ever. beautiful.

 

wow. today, after reading about his moms passing, part of me actually almost considered going to the visitation tonight and/or the funeral tomorrow. then i come to my senses ... that probably wouldnt be a good idea. i did very much enjoy his mom. she was very sweet, always very caring about anyone and everyone. she was a fighter, and i was very inspired by her. but then i think to myself, i cant go because going to her funeral i would run into aaron, whose probably very emotional, and god knows what would happen from there. not to mention the whole court drama, im not really supposed to be around him. anyway, when i told my brother about what aaron had done my brother says to me "if you give that (censored, censored) the time of day, ill never talk to you again. doesnt this prove what a huge (censored) bag he is?! hes such a liar about EVERYTHING, why cant you see that?!"

 

the answer is simple: i do see that. i see that hes a liar, hes a criminal, he has no character, and hes losing control of the situation with me and that scares him to death. he always thought id forever be there to protect him from all the wrongs in his life and provide for him anything and everything he needs. i was that kind of person to him so often, he was under the impression it would always be that way. until january 12th, the day i woke up and i realized these things:

 

1. he had been completely using me, financially and as an emotional crutch.

2. he had betrayed me in every sense of the word.

3. he couldnt take his responsibilities as the father of his unborn child seriously enough to remain faithful to me.

4. as much as i completely loved him and would have done anything for him, he would never be capable of loving me on the same level, and he ultimately used the way i felt about him to his advantage, and used it to get anything and everything he wanted.

5. he would never be able to provide for our child or myself cause hes not able to get a stable, good job with a fake social security number.

6. he never once apologized or even attempted to make ammends with my parents or brother for strain he had ever caused.

7. i didnt trust him. period.

8. i would constantly be worried for the rest of my life when his time will be up and the authorities are going to catch him, taking him out of my life and our childs life for a very very long time. i didnt want my child to be raised seeing their father in jail.

9. he hit me, while i was pregnant with his child, and i needed to wake up and see how very serious that is.

10. he broke my heart because, simple enough, i let him.

 

"you will change from a woman who loves someone so much it hurts into a woman who loves HERSELF enough to stop the pain"

 

enough said.

[sexygrl19]

Oh my god,what a jerk!He actually lied about when his mom died just to try and get you to talk to him?!That is something I don't think I could ever do.Especially when he knew she was going to be passing away very soon.That honestly makes me very sad.I hope he gets every thing that's coming to him.He is such an awful person and I'm so glad you realized that you don't need to be with anybody like that.

[cleverme123]

Seriously don't go, your right it is a trap and if he thinks he has control of you you going will only reinforce it. I still say call the base he abandon.

[RedElephant]

tonight, i made the choice to call up aarons unit and report him as a deserter. i called them up and gave them aarons details. i got thanked and told that a leutenent would be contacting me shortly. sure enough, five minutes later, my cell rings and its the leiutenant. i once again give aarons details, and he advises me to contact my local law enforcement and get aaron picked up cause of the distance betweeen the base and where aarons at right now. a federal warrant was issued for him, and after 30 days, the military employs law enforcements help i guess. after i hung up with the leiutenant, i called the cops of the town hes in and told them i really wanted him to be locked up and picked up, and that his mothers visitation is tonight and her funeral is tomorrow, and the lady got really snippy with me. she said "ma'm i dont think its exactly an opportune time to be arresting him when its his moms funeral and visitation." i almost screamed at her, but instead said ok, and she said that shed pass the word along. i realized that hes probably pretty torn up about his mom passing away and i got really caught up in the moment. im going to call back on saturday, after the funeral and everything has passed and make sure my information was taken seriously, and he gets in trouble for the things hes done.

 

after all this, im now im in the middle of a huge emotional meltdown. ive been crying a bunch. part of me feels guilt, part of me still loves aaron tremendously, and part of me just really hurts. i tried to tell my dad what had happened today and he listened for a bit, but tuned me out after 10 minutes. he really has so little patience when it comes to aaron things cause of his genuine dislike for him. ultimatley, he kind of made me feel rotten about staying with him and wondered what "would compel you to be with someone whose such a liar, criminal and all around bad guy. he hit you, come on! why didnt you just say see ya?!" it wasnt that easy, i explain. i was really afraid for my life. too afraid to go and too afraid to stay, so i did anything and everything to bend over backwards for him to keep him happy. i put up with his infidelity, excused his harsh words when things didnt go his way, and lost my backbone. my dad doesnt understand the mentality that develops inside after someone hits you then 5 minutes later is saying "baby, i love you, im sorry". its a complete brainwashing.

 

its moments like this that i almost fall weak and cave in and call him. i just want to "i love you, i miss you, come home to me" however, ive been so strong this far. i cant give up now. im just so sad. i guess deep inside im a lot more depressed than i thought cause on the surface i was really getting my strength back. way, way inside, the cuts to my heart are so deep and so awful. those are the parts that hurt the most....

[sexygrl19]

I can see how you miss him so much.You two were together for a while and you really loved him.But just try your hardest to stay strong.And just remember all of those awful things that he has done to you.You don't deserve to be treated like that.So are you going to have any help when your baby is born?When is the baby due anyway?Just try not to stress so much.You don't want to upset your unborn child.Stay strong.That's all you really can do at this point.I'm proud of you for staying as strong as you have been.Try and stay that way.Just remember,we're all here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.You can email me whenever you like also.Or pm me.Keep us posted.Good luck!!

[cleverme123]

You did the right thing. It's time now to take the focus off of him and start thinking about you. You can't change the things that he has done, but you can change your life around. As I mentioned I also went through this, and it sucked for a real long time. My daughter is now 5 and he has never seen nor tried to see her. We are both better without him. He did the same thing too, but the more I tried to help him the angrier and more manipulative he became. It all ended 6 months later, because he punched me in the stomach, I lost the twin to my daughter. He tried to kill me, but, I got the upper hand and went after him. He was brigged by the military and I luckily was not charged. Believe it or not this is rather a common thing with the military.

 

I agree you should follow up and make sure they go pick him up. If you try to fix things with him you are in for a life of lies, abuse and manipulation. Things you don't need to have when you have a new baby. Things won't be easy, I won't tell you they will be, but do what is right for you, and you will have a child that will help you over come the many feelings you are having now.

 

The thought on your father, is it possible he is so angry because it seems as though he acts, similar to the boyfriend???? We go to what we know. Don't take his lack of attention to you to seriously, my father is the same way. There are also a number of organizations that may be able to counsel you for little or no fee.

[RedElephant]

i dont know what i just did! i cant believe myself! what is my problem!?

 

no more than 10 minutes ago, i wound up texting aaron and writing to him "ive decided to put all animosity aside and say a prayer for you and your family today instead" what was i thinking!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?! as soon as it had sent, i felt like a moron.

 

he texted me back "we dont want your prayers i dont know why you text me now"

 

and you know what the worst part is? hes actually right.

 

i didnt say anything back, but now i feel awful. why would i even say that to him when he freakin lied to me about his mom dying a week and a half ago! oh my god, i cant believe i did such a stupid thing. that was so dumb of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its official, im not going to say anything more to him, i know ive said it before and i fell weak, but this was the huge kick in the butt that i needed. this just made me a lot stronger actually. as angry as i am at myself for caving in, i know now that im done. ive decided right here and right now, im going to let him get nailed by the law and he will go to jail so he cant hurt me or anyone else ever again. i dont know why i let him get to me like that. why i cant 100 percent see what a complete waste of oxygen he is. the last three weeks i had been about 99 percent able to see right through him, but those moments of weakness plagued me everyonce in a while. it was the part of me missing him, still wanting to be with someone, and holding on to just a thread of hope. i missed the man i wanted him to be, because i saw that in the beginning of our relationship - the guy who bought me flowers, took the time to hold my hand and kiss me out of no where, the guy that made me melt and told me all the right things. thats the aaron i missed. in all actuality, in time i saw the true side of aaron. the real aaron was a guy who was an abuser, a liar, a controller, and a manipulator. i had been doing so good for three weeks, and then the moment of weakness consumed me. it did last night too, but luckily an instant message from a friend helped me to not fall weak. today, there was no one around to say "maybe that isnt a good idea" (even though i should have just gone back and read this post!!) and now, as a result of one dumb text message, huge amounts of regret have washed over me. it further proves to me how much talking to him only damages me. i shouldnt even given him the courtesey of talking to me ever again. i feel like i just took a huge jump backwards in my healing. i know hes angry now, but later on tonight, he will probably try calling me again when hes alone and vulnerable. thats how he works. he acts like a jerk, then tries to smooth things over in an attempt to regain control. he will see that i was only trying to be sincere and sense that im about ready to fall for his headgames again, and latch on to my insecurities when im least looking out for it. hes done that countless times and until january 12th, i took it. i let him walk all over me. i dont want him to get to me like that anymore. i want to be strong. i want to take charge of my life, and i want this situation to remain the past and not be what im stuck wtih my whole life. aaron is an abuser, breaking my heart because i let him.

 

so now im reaching out to you guys. please everyone, help me stay strong. i know what i did was a huge mistake, but please dont let me relaspe again. aarons like a drug, and im an addict. help me break my cycle and be strong. everyone has been so great to me on this post, and i need you guys more than ever. i feel like an addict that went back for one last hit, figuring this time will be the last time. how many times did i have to touch the stove to know i was getting burned?

 

i dont want to touch the stove ever again as dumb as that sounds.

[sexygrl19]

In a way,I'm glad that u called him b/c it made u realize why u left him in the first place.PLEASE try your best to stay strong.You need to.You don't need him at all.It takes time to get over someone whom you loved so much.But when that time comes,you're going to be so happy that you don't have that jerk in your life anymore.Was this your first long term relationship?B/c maybe that's why you're so hurt.B/c you've never experianced this kind of love before for someone.Just try your hardest to not talk to him or have any contact at all.It's only for the best.And you can always email me or pm me whenever you want.

[cooldude1234]

you should really change your phone number and your texting handle... seriously. You need to cut contact with him. That is the ONLY way things will get better for you. Every time he contacts you, you will be reminded of everything and healing will be VERY hard. Cutting him off completely IS hard, but it's necessesary.

[RedElephant]

well, my texting fiasco wasnt as awful as i thought. in fact it completely benefitted me. i no longer am angry at myself, infact, im really relieved. im at peace, more so than in the past few weeks, and im feeling strangely great. it reconfirmed my decision to leave his life as the right move, and that i am a strong, decent person that is way above (emotionally, maturely, financially, physically...) a low life such as aaron. hes the kind of guy that will never ever change, never ever get better and never give me the kind of love i deserve to have.

 

i was watching a talk show last night and i heard this "does this sound like a good resume for a potential boyfriend/husband? i will abandon you, i will betray you, i will hurt you, i will not live up to your expectations... cause thats exactly what i bring to the table...youre only missing him cause youre missing the man you wished he could have been." couldnt agree more honestly.

 

no, this was not my first long term relationship. not like this relationship was really "long term" it was only like 5-6 months. i was with a guy for almost three years, another guy i was with for a little over a year. so ive been in relationships that have been long. but the difference between the guy i dated for three years and aaron who i dated for 5-6 months is the amount oflink removed energy and devotion i gave to aaron. i gave aaron a new level of myself that i never gave to anyone before him. i really gave him every part of me without question. i gave him my heart (which granted, he ran over and took advantage of) and i gave him all of my love. i realize thats why im feeling so much now. its because i wore my heart on my sleeve and let him see who i really was. i had held back little parts of me in my relationships prior to him because i never was completely comfortable, not even with a guy who i lived with every day in an apartment we worked hard to live in for almost three years. with jake (the guy i was with for three years), it was very different. he was very familiar, a soft place for me to fall, so comfortable. i really grew to confuse the comfort i felt with being in love. it was because he was all i knew for a really long time. the brief, flash in the pan intensity of what i had felt for aaron was completely different. in six months, i fell for him, and i fell hard. its difficult to explain the differences in my situations.

 

i know now that i have to cut him out of my life forever. i know im more determined than ever to do just that. i can do it! i feel so great =)

[sexygrl19]

I think that cooldude1234 is right.You should change your telephone number.Because I'm sure that when he calls you,it really hurts.I know that getting your number changed isn't going to make you forget about him or anything but it wouldn't hurt.So you go back to court March 9th?Let us know what happens.I hope he gets everything that's coming to him.He deserves it.

[RedElephant]

i couldnt write about this yesterday cause i was still trying to deal with it. i found out some things that pushed me past the point of no return with aaron, and im disgusted, appaled, furious, and hurt. read on....

 

so you guys all knew about the texting mess earlier in the day, and if you dont go back a few posts. as a result of that i felt really great for a while. i felt like that was well deserved closure. however, at around 330 or 4, i began to get really down. i came really close to calling aaron and seeing if he wanted to meet up at some point in time and talking about things. rather than sit there and try to ignore the whole thing, i started texting my friend lindsay to distract myself. it worked for a bit and around 430 we stopped talking. something comes through my bones and i decided to call aaron from my work number, which comes up as restricted on any caller id. i got his voicemail and i decided to listen to his messages. i know thats a bad idea, but i couldnt help it, something really pushed me to listen. a couple of the messages were from friends expressing condolences about his mom, and what not, but three of the messages really bothered me.

 

message #1 (tuesday 02/01/04 705pm THE DAY HIS MOTHER DIED) hey aaron its jim from megaphone. you asked me to call you after 7 and its just a little after. i didnt know if you wanted to play around like you had mentioned earlier. so call me back, my number is ... bye

 

(so im thinking, megaphone? whats that? play around, a guy asking him to play? is he paintballing again? hmmm, so i keep listening)

 

message #2 (wednesday 02/02/04 610pm) hey aaron, its jim again from megaphone. man, id really love to make you feel good and help you get off. id really like to see ya, so call me back at ... bye

 

(ummmmmmm, what the ... make you feel good and help you get off?! what the ... but i keep listening)

 

message #3 (thursday 02/03/04 1046pm THE DAY OF HIS MOTHERS VISITATION) hey aaron, its jim. listen man, id really love to get together and just lick your (censored) and have you (censored but he basically suggests oral sex however says it in a really crass way) if you want, ill even feed you a (censored, use your imagination). i will give you a little bit of insentive. ill even give you money just to get naked with you and lay by you. so call me ...

 

 

WHAT THE CRAP?!?!?!?! the anger raged through my body at this point OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thought i was going to throw up. i wanted to go out and get tested. i wanted to vomit. i wanted to cry. well, through some research that night with lindsay, we find out that megaphones a dating service, where you have to be a man seeking a man or a woman seeking a woman. so aaron had to consiously make the decision to be a man seeking a man and now hes soliciting himself to men! holy crap. as her and i are attempting to find out about this megaphone service, a text comes through from aaron that reads:

 

"i hope you are happy with your selfish decisions"

 

funny, i dont remember any selfish decisions i have made. hes digging for anything cause he wants to be in control again. i didnt say anything back even though i wanted to call him and completely rip him a new one about the things i had heard. i didnt want to give him that. he is awful. i kept thinking about the time that aaron told me "i never want to spend time with my mom and have it be the last time she sees me and for her to not be proud of me." i started thinking "your mom died not knowing you at all, you were a total illusion, and im sure shes turning over in her grave at the thought of you wanting to get intimate with a MAN the day of her visitation, the thought you being a military DESERTER and facing the next 5-10 years in the brig for that, the thought that you committed IDENITY THEFT, the fact that you hit your FIANCEE while she was PREGNANT WITH YOUR MOMS GRANDCHILD, the fact that you used fear and control to run your relationship with your fiancee...yeah, im sure your mom was proud of the man you were telling her you were, but i wish she would have known what a failure you really were."

 

i, honest to god swear on my life infront of all of the people on this forum and to myself, that I AM FINISHED WITH HIM, im getting tested, and IM DONE!

 

case closed. door shut.

[sexygrl19]

Oh my god!!He's trying to get with another guy?How many secrets was he keeping from you?I wonder if he's been hiding this from you for a while.Being curious about guys I mean.I would definitely go get tested.For everything.It just seems like everything is getting worse.Ya know,like figuring out all the awful things that he's been doing.Like when he lied about when his mother passed away.What a jerk!It's like,what else are we going to find out about him?So how did you check his voicemails?Did you know his password or something?Anyway,keep us updated.

[sexygrl19]

RedElephant,so how is everything going?Is he still calling you?If so,have you talked to him at all?Just wanted to see how you were holding up.

[sexygrl19]

Hey RedElephant,I know you hadn't been on here in a while.But I was just wondering if your situation got any better.Did he get what was coming to him?I sure hope so.He deserves it.And most importantly,how are you doing?Well,I hope you are doing a lot better.Let us know!Good luck!

[RedElephant]

check out the good, the bad and ugly HERE:

 

link removed

 

its easier than attempting to type it all out. ive made mistakes, theres been setbacks, but now, im healing in ways i never thought possible. a lot of it has to do with a very stable, very dependable friend named thomas. we've been friends for almost seven years, but it hasnt been until lately that we've been able to see how much sense him and i make. most of the changes ive undergone have been inside my heart and mind, coming to terms with what has happened in the last half year, and making a lot of sense of it. ill update my live journal tonight so you can see what else has happened. i havent had time to write about the last few days, but i will this weekend!

 

thanks for everyones help during the most challenging moments of my life.

[sexygrl19]

So is there going to be any romantic future with you and thomas?I was just reading your journal,and you seem pretty head over heals for the guy.Just wondering what you'd want to happen between you two?And are you still talking to aaron at all?Well,I'm glad to hear that you're doing so much better.That's really good.I'm happy for you!!

[RedElephant]

i guess it would be easier to redirect everyone to my live journal for updates - link removed (my user name is breakingcycles)

 

i dont know if thomas and i have a romantic future. id like to think that somewhere down the line, we will be together, but for the time being, i try to not get hung up on that because i feel like if i do, it could potentially cost me the person i hold closest to my heart. its not as important to me to affix titles and labels on a situation that is what it is. it seems to me if i spent time and effort dwelling on what i am in thomas life, why im not his girlfriend, why hes not telling me every night that he loves me, why we're not getting married, or anything like that it would amount to nothing. if i harped on him in our nightly conversations and nagged him constantly, asking when we're going to start a relationship and why he doesnt want to be with me, it would drive him away because i couldnt just mellow out. too often in my past, i was consumed with attaching a title to someone. like i couldnt just be friends, we had to be BEST friends. stuff like that just makes life unnecessarily complicated. i feel like whats meant to be always finds a way to be, and if we're supposed to be with one another, then we will be. its important for me to remember that if i want to be with someone like thomas (if not him) - a guy whose funny, loyal, sincere, quality, intelligent, and loving - then its imperative i love myself too. if i feel good about myself, i know that ill start attracting the RIGHT kind of people in my life. im not just talking about guys, im talking about people in general. if i continue to wallow in my own self pity, constanly thinking im not worth a crap, im ugly, hopeless, and unable to offer anything redeeming to anyone, thats exactly the kind of person ill attract. ill attract the aarons of the world that are nothing more than parasitic fungus' that prey upon insecurities, get what they want and dispose of them like theyre a kleenex into the waste basket of life when theyre done. i dont want to live like that. i deserve to have better. i will have better. i will not settle for anything that puts me down, makes me feel stupid, abuses me physically or mentally, or does not respect me. i will not be used and abused. god knows im not going to be perfect the rest of my life, but i know that if i love myself, i have established a foundation that wont allow me to settle for less.

 

i have not talked to aaron since march 4th, when he called me from jail for the last time. as he cried to me about how he needs therapy, he needs me, he needs help, he realizes what a huge screw up hes been at life and to those people in his life, it hits me like a ton of bricks. part of me feels that ive always known this, but i guess for the first time, it is abundantly obvious and i dont feel guilty about admitting it. while aaron was saying these things, it starts to amaze me to think that its not until aaron hits rock bottom, the lowest points in his life when hes facing serious punishment for his actions, that he realizes the dispicable ways his actions have affected not only his life, but the lives of those people around him. its like when i initially left him, and he was experiencing the break up panic and when i didnt talk to him for days, weeks, and ultimately a whole month passed before i breathed a single word to him, did he realize that i was completely serious about my decision. granted, i attempted to reconcile, and i attempted to give him one final chance to prove to me that this time would be different, but when he sent me the text message about "disapointed as usual" it hits me, hes not the only one that feels that way. i had been disapointed with him for so long, ive almost grown used to it. i didnt even see it. i guess all of his lies came to light and i realized what and the kind of person i was dealing with. they werent little small white lies like telling someone you recapped the toothpaste when you didnt, these are catastrophic, look you dead in the eye and LIE to your face cause its easier than dealing with the truth. aaron is driven by such a compulsion to lie, he doesnt even know when hes lying. he cant separate the truth from lies. he lies about his lies. he cant stick to the same story. hes told the same lies so many times, it was starting to be the fiction he lived. think about it: he lied about the situation with tracy (he was having sex with her when i showed up at his sisters house!! he lied about her shoes and why they were in his car!! he lied to my face when i asked him point blank, are you cheating on me!!), he lied about his mothers death FIVE DAYS prior to her actual death, he lied about loving me and our child and how he was "willing to do whatever it took to be your husband, provider", he lied about his whereabouts, he lied about his sexuality ... i mean do i really have to continue?! theres a part of a song that says "you cant fight the tears that aint coming, or the moment of truth in your lies." he couldnt run forever, he couldnt run away from his problems, he cant run away from the truth, he was living on borrowed time and now that hes dealing with the reprecusions of all of this. as he sits in jail for what i hope to be a long time, i hope he really THINKS about what hes done to everyone. i hope he THINKS about how his mom died not knowing who he really was because i know she loved him because that was her son but she died knowing only aarons facade he put on and fancy picture aaron portrayed as his life, i hope he THINKS about how much he put his sister and her families lives in jeopardy by living with them (his sister could have had her child taken from her if she would have known that aaron was a felon and living there), i hope he THINKS about how incredibly disapointed his dad must be in him, i hope he THINKS about how unfair it is to put his new girlfriend into the position of knowing that he almost expects her to wait for him to come out of jail so they can start a life together and in the meantime she is expected to put her life on hold for someone like him, i hope he THINKS about how much he decieved even his closest friends by not telling them what was really going on in his life, i hope he THINKS about the way that he never stepped up to the role of a father to our unborn child, i hope he THINKS about the way he completely screwed over my heart and mind by playing me when i gave him everything and then some, and lastly, i hope he THINKS about what mistakes hes made so when he gets out of jail, he can emerge a more productive member of society. these are my hopes. however, i dont think they will become reality, but one things for sure, im not going to wait around to see that. im too busy living MY life, the way i want to. lifes too short to spend time on such a lost cause. he had his chance to show me the man he could become, and he disapointed me in ways i never knew were possible. in the end, aaron couldnt show me that his heart was with me 100 percent, which is the impression im left with of him. learning how to mend my broken heart and finding things worth living for are what im taking from this whole experience and relationship - ultimately moving forward, walking on, picking up the pieces, growing up, learning to live and love again, and eventually using my experiences to benefit all relationships i have from here until the day i die ...

[sexygrl19]

I was just wondering,how many months have you been pregnant now?And do you plan on keeping the child?

[RedElephant]

i am no longer pregnant. i made the decision to terminate my pregnancy nearly four months ago. it was a very personal, very difficult decision to make. i did not do this in haste, nor did i do this because i didnt want to deal with the situation and wanted to take the easy way out. rather, i did this in order to save a life. when we initially found out we were going to be parents, aaron and i were thrilled. part of us somewhat planned the pregnancy cause we thought we were going to be together forever, but we were still really surprised when it actually happened. i was excited to be a mother, and at first aaron was thrilled at the thought of being a dad. however in due time, just like everything else, it faded when the reality sunk in. aaron doesnt handle responsibility well - i mean come on, when faced with the whole fight or flight senario he faced in the marines when his unit was activated, he ran away from his duties and not stepping up to the plate and assuming the role he signed up for. i knew that being a father at 20 was the last thing aaron wanted for himself, and the last thing that i knew aaron was capable of handling. its easy to say "yeah baby, im here for you 100 percent, ill be a good dad and a good husband" but then the reality sinks in and its like "oh my god, im going to be responsible for this LIFE, this life i helped to bring into the world" i knew that things were going to go south between aaron and i, i knew that he was running from certain inevitable truths he would never be able avoid forever, i knew he would never be a father, and i knew that bringing a child into the world would be the least best thing to do. it wouldnt be fair to the child to see his father in jail the first five or ten years of their life. i dont feel that aaron would ever be man enough to step up to the plate and really live up to his vows of do "whatever it took to be your husband, your provider." id be waiting forever if i thought he would be capable of that. so that made me think about how it also wouldnt be fair to the child to not have a father figure. i kept thinking about the day we had made arrangements to meet up so we could talk about our failing relationship and he didnt show up, only to tell me later that he didnt think i was serious about meeting with him and thought i was just playing a joke on him, when i called him about five times while i was waiting that three hours. i also texted him asking if everything was ok. somehow, i thought to myself, those are hardly the actions of someone thats just messing with you. also, i kept thinking about what if that was our child, waiting to be picked up from school or something, and what a complete disapointment that would be to a child. it would be completely selfish and unfair of me to do that to someone who comes into this world, asking for nothing and having to say "im sorry your father isnt around. mommy wanted more to life than he could give her. he failed mommy too" it wasnt right. i also knew that in my heart of hearts, i was not ready to be a mother. i wasnt emotionally mature enough to handle that. not to mention, my parents became less receptive to the thought of me having a child with aaron because of their increasing hatred of aaron, and even though they would have been happy to see their grandchild, knowing that the father was aaron, it would have been the source of slight resentment and bitterness. it just wouldnt be fair to have that negativity, and in combination with all the other harsh truths, i knew what i had to do.

 

after i terminated my pregnancy, i started to really think about things. it changed how i looked at life. i realized that i have to take precautions so things like this dont happen in the future. i have to know that theres certain emotional, physical, and psychological levels i have to be at in life in order to be in a position where im ready to handle such a huge change of lifestyle. i guess one of the most important things is to be with a guy who i actually have a future with - one whose stable, dependable, not going to run away from problems when life gets tough, who will really make every effort to provide for our child and me too, a guy who will show me hes truly serious and committed to our life together, and a guy who im married to. i know now that true love takes time. true love shouldnt be difficult but rather rewarding, inspiring, motivating, funny, honest, without judgement, and genuine. true love isnt self serving, it doesnt lie, deceive, hurt, abandon or neglect.

 

for the record, i commend every one who has been able to raise children, raise them right with morals and values and instilling confidence, success and love in their childrens hearts and minds. i hope that one day i am given the opportunity to be a mother and be the kind of role model to my children as my parents have became to me.