It's all on me to act...

[beemersv101]

Okay, this is kind of a complicated question that requires a lot of set up, so I guess I'd better get to it.

This September I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year. It was a really painful breakup for both of us, and it was over a stupid mistake I made when I first met her. I had lied about something way back then (before I had any clue that I'd be dating her) and then maintained that lie till September, when I told her the truth. People on my side of the fence feel that my mistake is forgiveable and that she blew it way out of proportion, yet she and my more sympathetic friends say that she has her reasons since now she doesn't know if she can truly trust me. Let me note that I hadn't lied about anything else...but I guess she can't really know that.

Anyway, it's been almost 5 months since our break up yet I still think about her and miss her. She and I still email, but of course, things are different now. I would just focus on moving on, but I get all sorts of conflicting vibes from her. It's like she can't make up her mind as to if she should ignore me, or if she still really cares about me. (I plenty of instances in mind if you need examples)

I would just let her come to me, and try to play it cool, but I know that won't work with her. If perhaps she still cares about me, I know she is stubborn and will try her best to stick to her decision unless I step in and do something. And if she is trying to test me in some weird way, waiting for me to say that I want her back or something, I know if I don't do anything, she will just accept it and then try to move on. She won't protest or come to me first. That's just how she is.

On the other hand though, if she really doesn't care anymore and I do step out and try to get her to come back, I risk losing the friendship we have now (despite how strange it is).

To add to my conflict, my sister (who feels very strongly about this for some reason) says I should just forget about it, and forget about my ex because she's not worth it if she would drop all we had over one mistake, and that she wasn't perfect either. She made another good point, asking why I would want someone who wouldn't act on how they feel. But on the other hand, I have people reminding me how immense this relationship was for both me and my ex. I know more personal things about her than anyone else (besides her parents maybe) and the same thing goes for how much she knows about me. That friend says I can't blame her for closing up after my lie was brought to light, that she just doesn't want to get hurt again.

 

So I have to choose what to do, but I agree with points on both sides. I feel so conflicted...I'm angry because I think my discrepancy could have been forgiven and that when compared to everything else in the relationship, she should have known that I would never have intentionally hurt her. On the other side though, I remember everything before September and I just want it, and her back. Even if I choose to talk to her about all of this, I have no idea how to go about it because, as I mentioned earlier, I run the risk of losing the psuedo-friendship we have now. The whole thing is totally messed up... So, any suggestions?

[Yorkrose23]

What is more important to you- the thought of losing this pseudo-friendship or the chance of getting her back?

I think you should talk to her. Tell her that you're very sorry about lying, and that you love her so much that you finally had to come clean. Tell her that you are sorry you disappointed her and hurt her feelings but that if she will give you a chance- you will do anything to regain her trust.

I'm not saying you were right in lying to her, but since you did come clean and apologized, I feel that if she really loves you, she would forgive you.

I do have to say that IMO, if she really believes relationships never involve being hurt, she is sorely mistaken. The ones we love are the ones we hurt the most. And if she never wants to be hurt ever again, maybe she is not ready to be in a real relationship. Now I'm not saying you should hurt each other all the time or on purpose, but in any long term serious relationship, feelings will be hurt by both parties at some point.

Because unless you lied about being married or having children or something like that, I guarantee you will have bigger issues than a lie that you apologized for. Forgiveness is essential in relationships b/c nobody is perfect. I think that you should talk to her about this, explain why you did it, tell her how badly you feel and let her discuss why she felt hurt. Then you can tell her that you never meant to hurt her so deeply and ask for another chance. If she cannot forgive you, I don't think you can have a relationship anymore. But I still think you should try b/c you don't sound too happy with this pseudo -friend thing. And if she reacts poorly, then it really won't be worth having her as a friend. Because IMO, a true friend can forgive you for anything. Good luck!

[hhi2625]

Relationships definitely are tricky. I am learning that quite quickly. I also know that mistakes such as this take time to heal and are not easy to get over. Even if it is not a major lie, the betrayal of trust can be huge. My ex lied to me for months about something huge, and I have to say I was so devastated by it. We tried to get back together, too soon, and I think both of us realized that we had not recovered from the event. I couldn't trust him on any level, and he felt immense guilt. For the first time we are now not talking. We were together for three years, talked of marriage, etc. It was as serious as any relationship could be. I think both of us hope for a future, but realize that time away is essential to recovering.

I know another long term relationship, she cheated on him, he took her back and then broke up with her because he couldn't deal with the fact she acted in this way. I would allow her to take time for herlself to make sure she has completley forgiven you for the event. You won't make any progress until that has happened. I know many people on here regret acting too soon. In order for it to come together and work, the past has to be put in the past. You really can't do that until she's forgiven you. In order for that to happen, I would write her some heartfelt letter, but also show that you have changed your ways and you realize how devastating this was. ACting differently in the future is the only true way to prove that to her.

[beemersv101]

See time seems to be of the essense. I'm not sure if this is true or if she's just saying this to get me to do something, but she's always talking about how now she wants to travel this summer and also how she's now thinking about doing an exchange program with some other university. I want her to have her space and time to forgive me properly and all, but now it's like she's putting a time frame on things.

Now that I think about it, it sounds like she's trying to keep herself busy, trying to force herself to forget about me and move on. But I don't think it's going so well, otherwise she still wouldn't be trying these "keep busy" plans even 5 months later.

I think I will have to say something to her...because like you said, I'm not happy with how things are now. And I don't want to waste more time and emotion just sitting around hoping that she'll change her mind someday. I think I need to just tell her how I feel...and if she responds, then great but if she doesn't, then I can say that I tried and I can actually put effort into moving on, because it's just too hard to do now when one moment she seems all distant, but then the next day she's wanting to know all the details of how I am, etc. So in a way, I guess this could be good for me, even if she says she still can't forgive me, because then I can move on full heartedly. Of course, acting on it is harder than it sounds...

I think I know what her initial reaction will be, she'll try to tell herself that she really doesn't care, despite any evidence that she does. So, I guess the question then becomes, how do I snap her out of it? I think it's impossible for a person's heart to change direction, 180 degrees, in a matter of days over this. But I don't know how to convince her to just be honest with me, and herself. It's like, no matter what she's really feeling, if she tells herself to forget about me, then my case is doomed to fail.

 

Oh yeah, and I didn't lie about being married or having children or something like that. It was about my age actually...so instead of being one year younger than her like she thought, I'm actually a whopping two years younger. And no, I wasn't a minor trying to pull off something illegal or anything. And I had lied in the first place not because I wanted to lie to her, but because of something else that was going on in the situation. While I didn't think my lie ranked big amonst other lies that people tell to eachother in relationships, I still took responsibility for it and that's why I told her myself.