4 Months On and I'm still a mess struggling to let go

[EJA32]

Hi All,

 

Some may know my situation others wont. My ex split with me due to having health problems which meant she is unable to conceive childrem and the emotional effects associated (Blaming herself, not sleeping, depression etc...). She also said she felt she couldn;t let me in due to being let down by previous partners. Basically said right person wrong time. Our relationship was brief - 6 months, but i had known her more like 18 months and had always wanted to be with her. We got together and had the most amazing time (she has said this as well as me) and genuinely have not got a single bad memory. She had a relapse health wise and was unable to cope.

 

4 Months on I am really struggling to let go of who i perceive to be the one for me. We just get on fantastically well and all I want to do is support her and love her. I feel that she has put a wall up because she is scared of being hurt and that me and her are worth the fight. I really dont know what to do with myself as I still think of her first thing in the morning and last thing at night and well constantly really. I would love a reconciliation and there have been times of weeks of NC that she has broken. The last time this happened we chatted a lot and it was going well so I asked her out for dinner to which she repied 'I would love to see you but im not sure its a good idea' I asked why and she said 'Im not sure id know know how to act around you. Do you think I sound crazy to want to fight for something that i truly believe is there? or do i need to accept defeat and wait and see if she comes ot me. Appreciate its a long post guys but really really struggling especially after goinf to two weddings, ans seeing people madly in love, somethin glike me and my ex were.

[sky09]

Don't we all wish we had a crystal ball sometimes? Human psychology is tough, but we all operate under some basic principles. By constantly reaching out, you might be pushing her away. Give her time, take this time to better yourself. Leave the door open and whatever happens - happens. Watch "Swingers," if you haven't lol

[EJA32]

Thanks for the reply, the last couple of times she has reached out.. confusing. I did write her a letter explaining how I felt because I wanted to reassure her I am here for the long term. She said it meant a lot and maybe she should talk face to face but not to expect anything. I was going on holiday the next day and we said we would talk on my return, she got in contact but I didnt mentiona meet up and nor did she.

 

Hurts like mad.

[sky09]

Thanks for the reply, the last couple of times she has reached out.. confusing. I did write her a letter explaining how I felt because I wanted to reassure her I am here for the long term. She said it meant a lot and maybe she should talk face to face but not to expect anything. I was going on holiday the next day and we said we would talk on my return, she got in contact but I didnt mentiona meet up and nor did she.

 

Hurts like mad.

 

It's a good sign she's reaching out, but don't dwell on that fact. Both of you need this time to focus on yourselves. Let it be known you're there for her, but nothing you say now will draw her any closer. Only time will tell. If you want to, arrange for some counseling sessions, where you'll be able to pour your soul out about your relationship with her and your issues. You need to be able to see things that you've done that were wrong, as well as see why you're attracted to people like her. Ever noticed your attraction patterns with others? (of course, once you get to know them and not just the physical aspects)

[EJA32]

Thanks agaiin Sky.

 

To be hoensat she is very different from previous relationships, I am 28 she is 35. Ive had counselling but after going to the two weddings recently and realising just how much I love her I am finding it tough.

 

All I want is to be her man and support her. Very difficult.

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, you sound like a nice man who is very supportive and is not going to turn away from his partner just because of bad health. However, as hard as it is, I think that maybe for now you should just accept that you can't be together and maybe try not to contact her too much. Are you sure that the reasons your ex has told you are the real reasons she can't be with you? They could be some of the reasons, but what I mean is, could there also be something else behind it? It just seems a bit strange that if you both love each other and you are so supportive and accepting of her medical conditions, that she would want to leave you. I have a medical condition myself which gives me severe chronic fatigue which restricts my lifestyle and if I met someone who accepts that and supports me through it, I would consider myself very lucky and hang on to that person for dear life. Unless she feels so bad about her condition and her infertility and she really doesn't want to be a burden to you. Maybe she thinks because you're seven years younger than her, you still have time ahead of you to meet someone else and have kids etc. I think you should just ask her to be really honest and tell you what's really behind her breaking up with you. Even if those are the real reasons, the fact is that she's made the decision and you have to respect it and you have to let her go. I don't think that she wants to work things out (at least not right now) if she doesn't even want to meet you for dinner....

[EJA32]

Thanks Tinydance.

When I last spoke to her it was for 5 hours face to face and she said she was worried I would walk out on her as well as all the associated health issues. Hurting so much that all we planned isn't going to materialise. When we have spoken we still get on so well all the little in jokes and she mentions initimate memories. She seems to want to forget me because she is scared of being hurt when that's the last thing I'd ever do. Do you think I should meet? And also don't you think the reply re dinner is odd? I don't want to lose the love of my life

[EJA32]

She also told me she didn't want me to see her at her lowest. It took her a lot to tell me of her problems. She had only told 5 people before me inc her family

[sky09]

 

All I want is to be her man and support her. Very difficult.

 

Make sure to let her know that. Don't push it, give her time and space, but do let her know. Keep working!

[EJA32]

Thats why I sent the letter to reassure her I;m the real deal. She told me she wasnt sure how i felt in the early stages so i wrote a story of us and how i felt, including when she told me about her condition. She said about meeting up but i havent pushed it, would you meet?

 

I just feel so sad because you spend years trying to find someone who makes you feel the way she did, and when they reiprocate and tell you how maazing you make them feel and that they think youre meant to be you are on the ultimate high. Then two weeks after she tells me about her problems she is gone and I am left lonely and depressed.

[sky09]

It's tough, man. Would I meet? I haven't left anyone before, so can't answer that one. To the second part of your post, it's an unfortunate reality that we don't want to realize when we're with somebody we love unconditionally. The thoughts they might leave one day never cross our minds. Always be apprehensive of your and their actions.

[EJA32]

Thanks. You're right I never thought for a second I would be without her in my life. I just am not sure what to do.... I am finding it hard to let go of that dream but am I prolonging the pain?

What does the apprehensive bit mean please?

 

Where are you at recovery wise

[sky09]

Thanks. You're right I never thought for a second I would be without her in my life. I just am not sure what to do.... I am finding it hard to let go of that dream but am I prolonging the pain?

What does the apprehensive bit mean please?

 

Where are you at recovery wise

 

Yes, you are prolonging the pain. The sooner you can let go and realize that she is not coming back, the sooner your recovery will kick in.

 

I meant always be aware of how your actions affect the relationship and look at what they are doing as well.

 

Recovery wise? Much better than several months ago when I finally realized it was over. It is a roller-coaster, as you'll think you got this, but then have a bad day where you only think about her. I have a lot less of those days now. Still think about her daily. Waiting on that to stop at some point.

[EJA32]

Just feels unfinished if you get what I mean? I struggle with a lot of 'What If' thoughts of how can i get her back? I guess I have to come to that realisation she is lost.

 

I have realised over the course of the last couple of months that maybe i didnt communicate that well in the relationship, yes we spoke all day etc but didnt have that many serious conversations. Cant help but think if we had more of those then she would of felt a lot more able to open up to me. Hurts like mad to know my actiosn have let the love of my life slip out of my fingers. I didnt message her i guess I have to wait and see if i have any luck with her, really think we are meant to be. She told me she has no bad memories but could not cope at the momebt with a relationship due to the health probs as well as not letting m ein.

 

How do you deal with your bad days? I constantly find myself thinking of her and breaking down. I wish I could offer you some help or advice but I'm a mess

[sky09]

You're going thru all the natural stages right now. Asking questions and looking for answers, the waht-ifs, etc... This is a great time to try and focus on your flaws and work on them. It will get easier with time, as you become less emotional.

I sure had my weeping days. Not pretty. Still tear up every now and then, but no waterfalls anymore. Time does do a lot. Stay busy, pick up a new hobby, hang with friends. Basically, anything to minimize your thoughts of her.

[EJA32]

You're going thru all the natural stages right now. Asking questions and looking for answers, the waht-ifs, etc... This is a great time to try and focus on your flaws and work on them. It will get easier with time, as you become less emotional.

I sure had my weeping days. Not pretty. Still tear up every now and then, but no waterfalls anymore. Time does do a lot. Stay busy, pick up a new hobby, hang with friends. Basically, anything to minimize your thoughts of her.

 

Thanks again for the response. I find myself praying that she will have a change of heart or realise we are good together. Hurts to know that had this health thing not reoccured or occurred later down the line we would still be with one anohter. I dont think you meet many people in life which you have that kind of connection with or make each toher feel how we did. Does that sound messed up?

 

How long ago was your break up if you dont mind me asking?

[sky09]

Thanks again for the response. I find myself praying that she will have a change of heart or realise we are good together. Hurts to know that had this health thing not reoccured or occurred later down the line we would still be with one anohter. I dont think you meet many people in life which you have that kind of connection with or make each toher feel how we did. Does that sound messed up?

 

How long ago was your break up if you dont mind me asking?

 

Not at all messed up. I never met anyone like my ex either (well, met a similar girl back in '07, but that was short-lived).

She left in late March, but we kept seeing each other until late May. June was the first month that I knew things are going downhill for us. She moved her things out in July and just last week I helped her dad load up the last of her stuff. I'd say July would be official month of split for us.

[EJA32]

Thanks man, I worry I'm acting crazily. I just think/thought we had something very special so it's incredibly diffiicult to let go. This was the first time I think I;ve ever felt 'true love' as before I ahd always loved the girls but not the same... although this was a 6 month relationship it was far more passionate and consuming than I had ever experienced before.

 

sorry to heard that man. How long were you guys together?

[sky09]

Thanks man, I worry I'm acting crazily. I just think/thought we had something very special so it's incredibly diffiicult to let go. This was the first time I think I;ve ever felt 'true love' as before I ahd always loved the girls but not the same... although this was a 6 month relationship it was far more passionate and consuming than I had ever experienced before.

 

sorry to heard that man. How long were you guys together?

 

Same here, man. I've connected with her on a different level. It's funny that she told me that she wasn't sure if she was ever in love with me... I then found her hand-written card from some holiday, saying word-for-word that she has never fallen in love with somebody like me before lol

This connection now stops me from being able to connect with anyone else. Nobody feels even remotely close to that level. Not sure how this will be overcome.

[EJA32]

That's the thing that I can't understand the most. I had been told she was worried anbout being ina relationship then was happier than she had been for a long, long time when with me and how I had brought th ebest out of her. Its totally mind boggling how its failed.

 

That is how I feel man, nobody even comes close to how she made me feel. Do you hope for a reconcoiliation? I really cant see me being that happy with anyone else How to you counteract those thoughts.

[sky09]

That's the thing that I can't understand the most. I had been told she was worried anbout being ina relationship then was happier than she had been for a long, long time when with me and how I had brought th ebest out of her. Its totally mind boggling how its failed.

 

That is how I feel man, nobody even comes close to how she made me feel. Do you hope for a reconcoiliation? I really cant see me being that happy with anyone else How to you counteract those thoughts.

 

The thoughts of it linger in my head, still. However, I wouldn't want to get back with the "same" person, know what I'm saying? We both had/have our flaws and both need to work on them. They way she treated me after the breakup was not what I expected from her. She was basically back to square one of how she was when I met her (the bad side of her). That is helping me to get over her tremendously.

Time, man. Only time will help us. Use it wisely

[EJA32]

I get what you are saying mate. All I want to be is her man and help her through her problems and be her man. I just want her to think of me as the man who is capable of it just worry she will lose all feelings for me.

 

I had a lot of mixed messages and false hope mate and that's what messed me up so much. We both seemed to be looking forward to a future together till her problems came back.

 

Sorry to go on... Just hurts.

 

How are you working on yourself? I am taking stock of all that's been going on and realised at times I wasn't perhaps as supportive as I could of been. Well I was trying to be but can see that's not how it would have come accross.

[sky09]

I've been doing things that I haven't done while we were together: started running 5Ks and volunteering any chance I get, playing sports again, going to new places, etc. Working on my patience and anger issues is proving hard, but I have to get to the bottom of myself.

[EJA32]

Nice I am trying to do the same things. I think my problem has been communication and that is what killed my relationship. Do you not feel that your situation is 'unfinished' cos thats how i do, because how can all those good itmes mean nothing.

[sky09]

Nice I am trying to do the same things. I think my problem has been communication and that is what killed my relationship. Do you not feel that your situation is 'unfinished' cos thats how i do, because how can all those good itmes mean nothing.

 

of course it's unfinished. however, just like you pointed out, we've had our fare share of communication issues and it was not getting any better after the split. actually got worse, as she was going thru a loss of a family member, failed a college course that put a cross on this semester, and a sleuth of other life issues.

those times don't mean nothing. cherish those memories, but don't dwell on your/her mistakes. it's funny, cuz we tend to only hold on to the memory part, instead of trying to envision life with them 'right now.' I can't do that. I just don't know where she fits anymore (her old image). I just hope she is doing well and working on herself as well. I told her I'd be there for her and left all kinds of doors open, but we've been having strict NC for almost 2 months now. It has helped a lot - my thoughts are much more clear now, and I can focus on other things, though I still think of her every day, it is not as intense as the last month, and especially the month before.