Having a set back

[mikev357]

Hey guys, I'll try and give a quick summary of everything, but basically I'm having a bit of a set back recently.

 

I was with my girlfriend for over a year, she's 20 and at uni and I'm 23. We had been arguing a bit more in the final months, but it was nothing I didn't think could be fixed. Then a week before I started 5 exams and had my birthday, she decided to break up with me. Reasons such as she wanted to focus on herself, she didn't have time for a relationship (which was rubbish, I just know) and many other little things like that. She then rang me 2 days later crying, saying she was a horrible person, made a mistake and asked me to take her back. So I did... 2 weeks later without contact, she breaks up with me again. Said she was drunk and didn't mean any of it and that she enjoyed not being in a relationship in that time. It didn't end on bad terms, but I was very angry with how I had been treated so from that day I went strict NC.

 

This is where the set back comes in. It's been just under a month with NC and I finally felt like I was getting somewhere, chatting to new people, hitting the gym, focusing on my work etc. Then I get a random text off her just saying hope you're ok. I didn't want to reply, but I'm not a bad person and if I'm honest I still want to be with her. So a day later I replied with thanks, hope you're too. And of course I got no response as of yet. I guess I just need opinions of whether this doesn't look good for the 2 of us? I'm going straight back into NC now, but it just sent me a few steps backwards and I'm back to wanting to talk again...

 

Thanks for any advice, sorry for it ending up a lot longer than I thought it would!

[Aeropro]

It could be that she is wanting to pursue other people, but hasn't found anyone to jump to quite yet, so she occasionally 'pops in' to test the waters with you to keep you as a back-up plan. As hard as that sounds, and as unrealistic as it may sound considering you love this person and she used to love you, it does happen. In fact, it happened to me. My best advice to you would be to keep NC and just let things sort themselves out. Don't be an emotional crutch for her when she is bored and/or lonely. I had a somewhat similar situation to you, although my ex didn't completely break it off until she actually found someone new. She just said she wanted space, she wanted to focus on herself (sound familiar?), and said she wasn't as excited to see me anymore as she used to be. Trust me, right when she starts getting attention from someone else and jumps into the honey-moon phase of the "next best thing", you will become nothing to her. Don't let her blind-side you again.

 

Anyway, after she said those things to me, I gave her space, although she would still text me here and there (testing the waters... stringing me along... keeping me there). Then, of course, when she found the next guy to date, she instantly went NC without any sort of explanation (while we were still dating). People like this (my ex/your ex) cannot be trusted, unfortunately. I know you love her, but love yourself more. Mourn the loss of the relationship, post your feelings here as it really does help, and maybe even write a letter to her (but do not send it) and read it until you're tired of reading it anymore. These are some of the things I have done to help and, sooner or later, you will feel more at ease. It won't be a quick process, but you have to do what you have to do.

 

Her text of "I hope you're ok" was, again, testing the waters. She hasn't found the next thing to jump to and you're the back-up plan. Don't respond - let her know you're no one's 'Plan B'. If she reaches out to you again, I would even suggest sending a polite, yet 'to the point' text along the lines of, "I think it is for the best for you to not contact me unless you're interested in reconciling. I simply cannot be just your friend. Take care."

 

Understand that her reaching out to you is for HER ego and to make HERSELF feel better with her own self-esteem. She could not care less about you being "okay" because, if she did, she wouldn't have done what she did to you. While the text could have been out of guilt, I wouldn't trust that. She just wants that satisfying feeling of her phone lighting up with texts from a guy.

 

Ignore her. Don't feed the ego. Good luck!

[Edmund Exley]

Move on moving on. She is only playing games for her own ego, unless you want to get back together and be redumped again 2 weeks later.

 

Next time she texts you asking if you are OK, simply reply "Thanks, Im fine"

[mikev357]

I think deep down I thought that would be the case, but I just didn't want to admit it... The text came on a Sunday after I know she had spent the week on nights out and stuff so it would make sense that she may have been feeling bored or lonely or something. Then I know she went out the day that I text back so I guess I was just put to the back of the line again. So you think it's a good idea to send a text like that if I ever get another? I'm done with the games and moments like these just put me back a step.

 

Also our situations do seem very similar, my ex also originally wanted 'space' first and just a break before we actually finally did break up. In the end I forced her into a final decision because I was sick of being in limbo

[Aeropro]

With anything, facing the "real" music is the hardest thing. Believe me, I thought my situation was different than the rest I've read because of all the memories that I had with my ex and I thought we were truly "soul-mates", but unfortunately I was fooling myself.

 

It is funny that you mention it was a Sunday night when she texted you. My birthday happened to be a Sunday night this year and she texted me at 9:00pm at night. Obviously she had her fun already and was probably bored and figured, "Meh, might as well text him to be nice. Maybe he'll even shower me with attention to boost my ego". I simply responded "Thank you" the following morning and have had no contact with her since.

 

The selfish thing with dumpers is that they will only reach out to you when THEY want something. I mean, think about it - why else would they reach out to you? With my ex, I will only hear from her when she is "heart-broken" again when things fizzle with her rebound. Where was she during my birthday? Where was she when I was hurting after having to move back home after she broke our agreement of living together (she had an escape route because someone saw our cat in the window... so she applied to transfer apartments)? Where was she when I was working hard to prove to her that our relationship was salvagable and worth fighting for? She was entertaining other guys and planning the fateful "leap" to the "next best thing". The grass is always greener.

 

Where was your ex during all of your hard times? No where. Good for you for telling her that you were done being strung along. You're exactly right in your thought process about being in a line. She had her fun, was bored, and texted you. The next day started another week for her and it was back to texting other people.

 

As far as sending her a stern text, it really depends on your motives. If you truly want to get back together with her, I would still probably send it altough others may tell you otherwise. Personally, if my ex were to reach out to be in any fashion, I would do as such because she needs to know that I truly am moving on. The key is making her know that you are over the relationship and are not relying on her for your happiness. This will knock her off her pedestal and give you the upper hand when it comes to reconciling. Otherwise, if you do end up getting back together, she will feel like she has all of the control and manipulate you again.

[mikev357]

The more you tell me about your situation the more it sounds so similar! On my birthday (I already knew she was thinking of breaking up with me again) I got a very distant message off her in a private message on fb. I ignored it, it was the final straw for me. A day or 2 later a card appeared in the post, which I assume was because I ignored the first message.

 

Like you said, it's just hard to admit that somebody who once told me that they loved me, now wants absolutely nothing to do with me unless there are no other options. I think if I did get another message I would have to say something like that for my own sanity. I can't keep being knocked back a few steps just because she is bored. I don't even know why I still want her back. Everyone I have spoken to is appalled at how she treated me, especially doing all this during some very important exams I had.

 

I guess I'm back down to 1 day of NC, but I've proved I can do it for a month before and I only broke it to be civil. Seems she doesn't feel the same way about that. Hopefully I'll be stronger this time...

[Aeropro]

You'd be amazed, Mike, after reading some other stories on here. Each one can be related to every other in some respect. It was scary, for me at least, seeing how not unique my story was. I truly thought my relationship was different, but everyone thinks that way I guess. The hardest thing about losing someone, especially if they are the ones that end things, is filling the void that is left behind. I absolutely loved my ex, but what I've learned with time is that I no longer really love her, but love what she represented. I am in love with the great memories, not necessarily with her anymore which is sad since we moved in together in March and were beginning our life together (nothing in life is guaranteed!).

 

The difference between our situations is that your ex hasn't found someone yet and mine has. Your ex is leaving you bread crumbs while mine isn't. Your ex is reaching out to you, but mine isn't. Your ex is still stringing you along, but mine isn't. Your ex is showing you the slightest bit of interest, but mine isn't. Re-read the first sentence of this paragraph for your answer as to why, =). Be strong, Mike! Don't worry about the days of NC, worry about how you feel. There are going to be some tough times ahead - trust me. Just today at work I had a moment that cut through my chest (I had an accomplishment and the first instinct I had was to want to text her. My mind forgot about everything for a split second. Oh, the human brain!). All we can do is play the best hand we are dealt.

 

We will all find our special person... we just have to be patient. Take some time to yourself - don't jump into anything too soon. I, honestly, started lightly dating and all I did was compare the new girl with my ex the entire time. That is how I know I am not ready, but that's okay.

[mikev357]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation as well, sounds like you were further along then me. I really appreciate all this advice, it's helping so much. I just got a notification on a social network site as well, went to check what it was, it had instantly been removed / undone. Could be coincidence, but I'm not so sure. Time to forget everything again and carry on moving on!

 

You're right about being patient as well, I've been talking to another girl a lot recently and it's been moving forward but I don't want to lead her along if I'm not fully healed yet. I'll keep it going for now and see how I feel because it's nice to feel wanted again I guess, but I will be careful.

[Aeropro]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation as well, sounds like you were further along then me. I really appreciate all this advice, it's helping so much. I just got a notification on a social network site as well, went to check what it was, it had instantly been removed / undone. Could be coincidence, but I'm not so sure. Time to forget everything again and carry on moving on!

 

You're right about being patient as well, I've been talking to another girl a lot recently and it's been moving forward but I don't want to lead her along if I'm not fully healed yet. I'll keep it going for now and see how I feel because it's nice to feel wanted again I guess, but I will be careful.

 

I'm glad my advice is helping you. About two weeks ago I was in your shoes. I feel a lot better now if that's any indication of the things to come for you. I'm glad you acknowledge the importance of pumping the brakes with new women. While being friendly, conversational, and going out with someone new is absolutely fine, you'll probably find that you hit a roadblock, emotionally, during your hanging out. The feeling didn't hit me until I was back at my new acquaintance's apartment after I treated her to dinner (not for a fling, she just lived close to the restaurant and introduced me to some of her friends to be courteous). At that moment I felt emotionally overwhelmed and had a very strong feeling of "I'm betraying my ex. What am I doing? This is too much". I reflected on that feeling as I drove home and realized I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship. I'm quite proud of myself, really. However, the deflating thought was that my ex never had those thoughts running through her head when she was hanging out with people behind my back and ignoring me.

 

While that thought does hurt, it makes me realize that I truly am in this alone for now - and that's fine. I've realized that the only person I can rely on for my happiness is me, and that energy will attract someone amazing one day when I am ready - the same holds true for you, Mike!