Controled??

[Blondesnb]

Dear control freak

Please let me go! You don't want me but you still want to control my life? We met at work when I was a strong vibrant woman who took **** from no one. You became a friend and helped me so much at work. Then things went to the next level and we became involved. Looking back now at you saying we can’t tell anyone at work as it would look like favouritism or worse we kept the relationship quiet, all your idea. Then I came to depend on your help and looked for your approval. Now you have found your next protégée, you want to hurt me? Your text message, your emails, your snide remarks at work or in meetings are so hurtful.

Once I was so strong, so confident and so enjoying my work, friends and life. Now you have reduced me to panic attacks and craving your attention. I hate myself for being weak and letting you do this to me. I lost so many of my male friends because you said they were bad for my work image. This is so ingrained in me that I can’t contact them and if they contact me I feel physically ill!

Someone said the best revenge is to be successful and I so badly want this. I just want you to know that what you did is so wrong, so spiteful and only benefitted you! You will not see what you did as wrong but justify it to yourself as helping, supporting and generally being a nice guy!!!

Nice guys wouldn’t do this to someone else and someone they said they loved?

[Blue92]

It's not clear in your post, but I hope you have broken up with this person. People who feel the need to control others are very self centered and insecure. Go ahead and talk to as many guy friends as you want! The only guy who I suggest you stop talking to is the jerk that you're posting about.

[amipushy]

Get a new job and set yourself free.

[Jennifer89]

I agree with of the people above. Forget "proving yourself," guys like this will always find a problem to with your work. Move on to a new job and start fresh.

[IAmFCA]

This guy is a jerk, among other things.

 

He fed on a part of you that wants acceptance, that made you vulnerable to his mind games.

 

Did you have an upbringing that taught gender-specific rules about what is okay, and what isn't? Was your father emotionally unavailable, judgmental, sexist? I am taking stabs in the dark obviously, but this guy's messages to you about being friends with men at work etc reflect a view of women as sex objects. You would have laughed at him, if it weren't that some part of you already wonders if, as a woman, you need to restrain yourself.

 

The world will change as we change. Rise up, be yourself. Change jobs, and change your view of yourself. You can accept help, you can learn, you can network, you can make friends. ALWAYS you are responsible for yourself and the impression you make. Men accept help, learn, network and make friends at work with impunity. Exercise your rights to do the same.

 

A company that respects this snake is full of slithering underlife everywhere. Move on.

[Blondesnb]

Thanks everyone for replying. Moving jobs is not an option at the minute but it is my goal long term.

And IThinkICan, I don't know if you hit the nail on the head with "If it weren't that some part of you already wonders if, as a woman, you need to restrain yourself". I always enjoyed male company and love sport so spent time with as many male freinds as female ones?

Its the anxiety I can't stand, it physically debilitating. How can on person make me have such a physical reaction, feeling sick, weepy and my heart racing. I have been through some really really tough times in my life but this is all new. Please if anyone has tips on coping I would be so grateful?

[IAmFCA]

Do not give him, or anyone, the power to make you question your own integrity.

 

You like athletics, you say. Play your game, at your pace, building on your strengths. This is how you will find success.

 

Do not internalize his opinions. He does not know you, nor does he wish to know you. He wishes only to have a pawn on his chess board. Play along, for your job, as needed. Not for yourself.

[IAmFCA]

OP When I was studying co-dependence to unravel something in my personal life, I discovered patterns useful in my work life too.

 

It seems like you have given your personal power to someone else... there is something further here to explore.

 

Like you, I always had male and female friends; that, on the surface, does not explain anything nor indicate anything. The fact that you prefaced it with an explanation, that you have enjoyed sport, suggests that you have become defensive about it.

 

Someone, somewhere, has breathed into you the idea that as a woman, you are required to walk within your lane.

 

Let me assure you, that is baloney. And there are many who will try to convince you of its wisdom.

 

You are required, and I mean that strongly, to walk in the path that is most natural to you. If that means you play sports, have friends who are men, and work in a male-dominated industry, then so be it. Do it being a 100% female version of you. Do not curse because they curse, unless you choose vulgarity for yourself. Do not have casual sex because they do, unless you choose it for yourself. Whatever your choices, own them. Friendships, behaviors, and activities do not define gender. Women on the job are friends with men on the job. It is a job requirement and a career necessity. Gender is not relevant.

 

Goodness, if I worried about who thought I was hitting on him, I would never get out of bed in the morning. I work for a man, I hired a man to staff my two-person office, and all of my clients are men. Recently, I had four seats to an event to which I invited a work associate - a man - and his wife, to join me and my date. My bf never thought twice about the fact that I invited a man and his wife, as opposed to a woman and her husband.

 

This sexualization of you because of your gender, and the marginalization of you because of who knows what - it is a mind game your boss will likely win at, in this round, because it is his playing field. You will trounce him, over time. Not everyone thinks this way. Do not let yourself become a victim by accepting his pattern of thought. Play your game big. Big game always win over small game.