Ex still loves me, and I love her, but her ex is back!

[Paradox49]

Hi everyone,

 

Background:

 

I was with this girl for 6 months - it was an amazing time and we seemed to have a perfect relationship, but seemingly out of the blue she broke up with me for a couple of reasons. I find it difficult to share my feelings, and she felt that she was pouring her love into 'us' and I wasn't. In actuality, I loved her dearly but we had communication issues so she didn't realize the extent of my feelings. We are both 25 and both looking to settle down, but she didn't believe that was what I really wanted. She broke up with me to protect herself from more pain later on. She does have insecurities, and despite loving me she was able to change her mind about 'us' and walk away. There is a cultural barrier in her mind - she is Asian and I am caucasian, and she is worried that our cultures might clash if we settle long term.

 

Current situation:

 

We broke up 3 months ago, and I started dating again in November but I couldn't get her out of my head - thus couldnt feel for any of the girls I met. I still feel as strongly for her now as I did when we broke up. In mid-December, we started talking casually on MSN after no contact for 2 months. She told me she still had feelings for me and I reciprocated. Right after I told her, she then told me that she had also been talking to her ex of 4 years (from before me) who wanted to work things out with her. Because she thought I had moved on by dating, she used that to try to help herself get over me and go back to her ex. She tells me that she loves me and has passion for me, but feels pity for her ex who is a real mess trying to get her to come back.

 

I think she sees that going back to her ex wouldn't be healthy given her feelings for me and her lack of passion for him, as well as his unstable behaviour. I said I would give her space to sort that issue out, and we have been talking about rebuilding with a stronger foundation of communication. However she is the kind of girl who loves to hear from me how I feel about her - she genuinely wants me to tell her how I feel, which is contrary to the advice of many on this forum saying to keep it casual and low key. It's been 4 days since we last talked and I am actually kinda worried about her (about her ex doing something stupid if she tries to dump him, he seems a bit unstable).

 

What do I do here? Just no contact and give her space until she sorts herself out? Do I send here SMSs or emails of encouragement reinforcing my feelings for her? Or should I call her to make sure she is OK? Not reaching out to her is the hardest thing I have had to do and is as bad or worse then actually getting dumped!

 

Thanks guys...

[bzborow1]

Well you've already expressed your feelings for her and your intentions to get back with her right? Well if you have then I suggest you sit back and watch what happens, continue dating, etc... If a woman is doing contradictory things, use the 'actions speak louder than words' philosophy. Basically she's told you she loves you, but yet wants to explore this other guy?? I don't buy it. Her actions are telling you the opposite of her words.

 

Like I said, I'd just play it cool and casual with her, continue dating, and let her work her stuff out.

[Paradox49]

Yeah I understand the skepticism about the other guy... however she went back to him thinking I was long gone and happy without her. She tells me she just isn't happy being with him and doesn't know how to end it without crushing him - he is a real mess. She really cares about him and doesnt want to hurt him more then she has already.

 

Thanks for your quick reply man, I appreciate it.

[Phoenix Down]

It sounds like she's torn between you and her ex. I would play the friend role and be there for her, but ler her make the moves. If you come off as ready and willing she may take more time to make up her mind. She has a lot to think about so let her think. If your pushy it may be pushing her twards her ex. Be neutral. Her mind will set in time. Show her your there for her, but don't tell her how you feel all the time. I guess be you, but in friend form for the time being. I have to warn you tho, no one has the answer to this problem, tips are different for everyone. Do what is best for you, but don't be needy. Good luck, and brake me off some if you find it.

[bzborow1]

I dunno. If she tells you stuff like "i love you but..." that just really irks me. I don't see why you can't just tell her him or me...period.

[FleX]

She doesn't know how to end it without crushing him - he is a real mess.

 

I find that funny because she was willing to let go of you in a second. I would be skeptical about going back because we all know that you can't have EX's in the background. Some people really want to be a friend and no more. However in the real world EX's that hang around usaully don't have the intention of settling for being a friend. There is always some hidden motive or agenda.